Humour « Thurles Information

Warning – Be Careful Around Talking Parrots.

Having seen the poster in the window of the local Thurles Pet Shop, which read, “Bargain – Beautiful Talking Parrot – Only €50.00 – With Cage.” Mrs Mikey Ryan walked into the premises and not a woman regarded as unwary, or who would be apt to buy “a pig in a poke”, demanded curtly of the pet store owner, “Why so cheap?”

The owner looked at her and around the shop for possible eavesdroppers, before whispering, “Look, Mrs Ryan I should warn you before you purchase, that this bird lived for 20 years in a house of ill repute down the Clonmel side, and sometimes he can repeat some pretty vulgar language.”

Mrs Ryan thought about this for a moment, but decided she had to purchase this truly beautiful bird, regardless. Then taking it home, she hung the bird in his cage, up in her living room, near the window and waited for him to talk.

The bird, once settled, looked around the room, then at her, before announcing, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really is not so bad”, but it was when her three daughters returned home from school, the Parrot saw them and announced to all and sundry, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

Again, the woman was slightly offended, but since no vulgar swear words were used, she began to laugh at the situation; taking into consideration how and where the parrot had been living previously.

Two hours later, Mikey Ryan, her husband, made an appearance, having spent as usual most of his afternoon in the Arch Bar, in Liberty Square, Thurles.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Mikey, great to see you will be visiting here once a week as well.”

Thurles, Co. Tipperary At Low Tide.

The next local elections in the Irish Republic will not take place possibly before May or June 2024, so current Thurles Municipal District Councillors are not expected to come out of hibernation until then, except for photographs in relation to donations, collected by others within our generous community, to aid war displaced Ukrainian refugees.

**Kickham Street, Thurles, at low tide today**.

Certainly, no local double jobbing Councillors were photographed today on Kickham Street or on Slievenamon Road in the town.

15 Year old neglected **footpath**, **flooding issue, available for viewing on Slievenamon Road, Thurles.**

Thurles Councillors, all currently enjoying the fruits of their elected office have also failed to inform Ms Sharon Scully (Thurles Administrator) and Mr Thomas Duffy (Executive District Engineer) of the problems pictured above.

Looks like we may have to contact Thurles Lions Club, to locate the necessary funding for “Off Road Walking”.

Flying Car Confirmed Fit To Fly, Following European Certification.

Before rushing out to buy your electric car or vehicle fitted with self-driving car technology, first take note that a flying car has at last completed over 70 hours of meticulous testing to receive an official certificate of airworthiness.

The vehicle, which received the certificate from the Transport Authority of Slovakia, in central Europe, has completed more than 200 take-offs and landings, deeming it fit to fly.

Questions Being Asked Locally Here In Thurles.

Is this the reason Mr Jackie Cahill TD and Mr Michael Lowry TD, never bothered, over the last 25 year period, to ask the governments to support and implement the Thurles Ring-Road?
Will this address the issue of local elected councillors failing to fill potholes in our streets?
Will we have to pay Air Tax as well as Road Tax?
Will Ryan Air and Aer Lingus now become redundant?
Will fuel tanks be big enough to get us to Lanzarote for the weekend?
Are passports, Covid certificates and Passenger locator forms now obsolete?
How will public private partnerships collect [through Transport Infrastructure Ireland (TII], their motorway tolls?
What new carbon taxes will the Green Party introduce to halt diesel engine exhaust contaminants/emissions?
Will Gardaí now be given fighter planes instead of squad cars, to intercept drunken and drug addicted drivers?

It took some 8 specialists over 100,000 hours to metamorphose the final mathematical specs into a fully functioning prototype.

The AirCar’s recent accreditation means it is now one step closer to becoming mass produced across Europe.

In development since 2017 and boasting a 1.6L BMW engine, the certified model is now officially in line with the standards of the European Aviation Safety Agency (EASA).

Sure as my Granny, Eliza Jane, used to say; “You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute if you intend to skydive twice.”

Neither A Borrower Nor A Lender Be.

Thurles resident Mikey Ryan was woken up in the middle of the night by the sound of breaking of glass. Alarmed and unsure of where the sound originated, he peeped out from behind his bedroom blind, immediately noticing a burglar sneaking around his next door neighbour’s garden.

Suddenly, out from the shadows, sprang his neighbour’s oldest son, striking his victim a vicious blow on his head with the edge of a blue shovel; thus instantly leaving his victim completely lifeless.

As Mikey watched, his neighbour then, using the same blue shovel, began to dig a grave in the centre of his vegetable patch.

Mikey watched the interment for a while, then climbed back into bed.
His wife, now also disturbed from her slumber, asked “Darling, you’re shaking. What’s wrong?”

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen”, said Mikey. “That bastard next door still hasn’t had the decency to return my new blue shovel, that he borrowed from me at least 6 weeks ago.”

Encroaching On Heavens Property.

You may not know this, but Heaven and Hell are actually right next door to each other, separated only by a long spike topped, chain-link fence.

Well, one day Hell was having a wild, drunken party and it got out of hand.
God heard the drunken racket and arrived to find the dividing fence completely smashed by the wild revellers.

He called Satan over and said, ‘Look, Satan, this behaviour has got to stop. You will now have to replace this fence.’
Satan agreed and the next day God noticed that the Devil had, as agreed, completely rebuilt the fence, but it was 2 feet further in on Heaven’s property.

‘Now listen here Satan!’ said God. ‘You will have to take that
fence down and put it back on its original foundations, where it rightly belongs!’

‘Yeah? So what if I don’t?’ replied Satan.
‘I’ll sue you if I have to,’ answered God.
‘Sure,’ laughed Satan, ‘Now tell me this, just where are You going to find a lawyer?’