Humour | Thurles Information

One Full Time Job Vacancy In Thurles.

“I see you are checking the situations vacant columns again Mikey”, said I, as I joined Mikey Ryan in the Arch Bar in Liberty Square, Thurles this dinnertime.

“I’ll tell you this and I’ll tell you no more”, said Mikey Ryan, “but didn’t I see advertised in the local paper, last week, the perfect job for any unemployed person and with absolutely no training deemed necessary“.

“And what job was that”, said I.

“WANTED one bikini waxers assistant”, said Mikey.
He continued, “All you had to do was to assist in the removal of underwear and then to rub soothing, scented oil over the waxed area, after the waxing procedure was complete”.

“Well did you apply for the job”, said I.

“No point”, said Mikey, “When I asked a member of staff at the Thurles Social Welfare office, she said I had to go to Dunfanaghy, Co. Donegal”.

“Why is that where the job was being offered?” said I,
“It would be a long way to commute from Thurles, every morning, especially with the current price of petrol”, I continued.

“No it wasn’t that at all” said Mikey, “The job is here in Liberty Square, in Thurles, the Social welfare assistant assured me; but Dunfanaghy, Co. Donegal was where the back of the fecking queue was currently; waiting to be interviewed!

Keep This Piece Of Information To Yourself.

Keep this to yourselves, but I heard this, (same related to me in the strictest confidence, by Mikey Ryan), last night, over a few pints in the Arch Bar.

It seems Mikey was over spraying red oxide paint on Paddy Kavanagh’s hay-barn in the Horse & Jockey last week.
While up on top of a cherry picker, he happened to look down to see Paddy dancing naked in front of his tractor.

“What in the name of God are you doing dancing in the nude at this early hour Paddy”, yelled Mikey.

Surprised at being found in a compromising position, Paddy looked up “Herself and I have been having some marital problems lately”, he confessed in a dower tone, “and our marriage guidance councillor has recommended that I do something sexy to a tractor”.

Nightmare On Friar Street.

As we are all aware a nightmare is really just a most unpleasant dream that causes strong emotional responses from our minds. Not only does it cause, typically, great fear, but also often great despair, anxiety and even inordinate sadness.

Well between ourselves, and please let this conversation go no further; I had a nightmare last night that left me waking up, drenched in sweat, while shouting “Jackie, where is the half million Euros”.

**Massive hole continues to grow on Friar Street in Thurles**, **Co. Tipperary**.

From what I can still clearly recall, there was a massive hole in the street at Bowes Corner on Friar Street here in Thurles; that was causing a lot of accidents, damage to vehicles and worst of all, deaths.

The Cathaoirleach of Thurles Municipal District Council held an emergency meeting with the more intelligent people on the council, to discuss a possible solution to this most worrying of developments.

One councillor suggested parking an ambulance next to the hole, so that whenever any such accident occurred in the future, the victim could be quickly transported to our majorly overcrowded University Hospital in Limerick, to repose on a trolley, possibly reducing at least a few of the rising fatalities.

Another councillor suggested that there could be a scenario on any GAA match days, where a multiple collision could occur, thus while one ambulance is busy transporting a victim on the 90 mile round trip to Limerick, other victims would be left stretched on our dodgy footpaths. He suggested putting ten ambulances near the hole instead of just one.

A third councillor wisely interrupted and raised his concerns about the prices of petrol and wages for paramedics; pointing out that building a new hospital, next to the hole, would actually cost less in the long term.

Yet another councillor suggested that the assembly were being over dramatic, and with the poor quality of hurling emerging from Tipperary clubs this season, the idea of multiple collisions was the “stuff of unnecessary panic”.

To avoid a plenary session, which would have allowed councillors to spend time working in smaller groups and taking an informal approach to problem solving, with lateral thinking; the Cathaoirleach of the Thurles Municipal District Council interrupted his convened assembly.
He tells them that such solutions are all far too expensive, and instead he suggests that the hole be filled-in immediately and another one dug in front of Limerick hospital to save money.

With no chance of sleep now returning to my weary bones and with the sun coming up over the ridge of Killough Hill, I quickly took a cold shower, got dressed and headed with all haste for Bowe’s Corner.

Yes, thanks be to the Almighty God, I can now confirm it was all a complete nightmare. The nine month old crater still remains fully intact and getting bigger by the day.

Ah, sure I’ll have to stop eating and exercising just before bedtime and avoid those naps in the middle of the day.

Thurles Welcome – Visitor Information.

I was forced to travel on foot this evening, down through Liberty Square, here in Thurles, Co. Tipperary.

Yes, this is the same Liberty Square that received a “circumferential (360°) tummy tuck” at an overall cost of between €9m & €12m, over the past 3 years, which in the process successfully destroyed every business in the town centre, leaving it naked of any real footfall.

The local municipal district council are keeping the actual overall cost of this 50% upgrade, close to their chests, until they get around eventually to finishing the other half.

The first thing that struck me as I strolled along, was the strong smell of hydrogen sulphide in today’s escaping sewer gas. I asked a few people could they smell anything unusual. One of their replies informed me that I was obviously driving through town in the past number of weeks, with my car windows closed.

I asked where it was coming from and one person suggested it was the wind coming south west from the Thurles sewage plant. Another one suggested I ask contractor Messrs Walsh, whom they stated had to rip up some of their upgraded pavements, because of a reported collapsed pipe. Either way this problem will no doubt be dealt with sometime before the next General Election, in possibly February 2025, if not before.

Actually, what really attracted me, positioned, as it is, in the centre of this half upgraded new Liberty Square, was the last remaining antique looking, Victorian, iron signage still standing, situated just 50 metres from the Thurles Tourism Office.
Having left my glasses at home I moved closer to peruse same signage more clearly. Starting at the top in English, I read the printed utterance we use here in Tipperary, as a greeting or acknowledgement of another’s arrival in the town; the word “WELCOME”.

Same was followed by the words “VISITOR INFORMATION”. (I tell you when Sinn Féin get to hear about this, the Russian Kalashnikov’s will come out. (Not one word of Irish to be seen – No “Fáilte”, – No “Eolas do chuairteoirí”)

As a reasonably fluent English speaker, I moved closer. No, nothing, despite the 7.50 centimeter lettering threatening to inform the visitor and despite it being so close to Thurles Tourism Office. As I examined the dreaded British post box faded red paint, I discovered that obviously someone had accidentally leaned against this sign’s thick, translucent, Perspex facade on some frosty night about 3 years ago, thus leaving it in its current demise.

One had hoped to find helpful information contained their-on, for the benefit of any straying tourists — info like “Nothing Left Here – Try Blarney 118km Further On”, or “Nothing Left Here – This Way To Dublin City 151km Further On“; with perhaps a sort of codicil in small print on other necessary helpful information, like “Warning Traveller: Beware of out-of-control youth gangs leaping from car to car in Dublin city centre”, or “Warning Traveller: Beware of Dublin cowardly youths continuing to attack random individuals leaving them suffering serious head injuries”.

[Actually between ourselves, I blame all this on that feckin Covid-19 vaccine, causing this sort of moronic behaviour in our Republic’s Capital City].

Anyway, I’m not worrying, when Fianna Fail TD Mr J. Cahill reads this; out will come the video crew to provide footage for his social media page. Hope in this case he can find the right area, unlike another video venue, which he failed to identify.

Politicians and powerless local councillors in Thurles and Co. Tipperary, for the moment at least, are enjoying the silence of their electorate, but for how long more is anyone’s guess.

RTÉ Investigates Tipperary Co. Council.

First, there are the problems with Dublin city councillors. It seems that current and former Dublin city councillors, together owe more than €146,000 to Dublin City Council in overpaid travel expenses. Same was discovered in an investigation by the Local Government Auditor, (Nosy interfering Busybodies).

**Inner Relief Road, Archaeological Survey, Click HERE**

This 2021 audit identified that councillors, for this Dublin local authority, had been overpaid their annual travel rate, by €48.42 every month, but only as far back as January 2018, amounting to €581.10 a year and a total of €2,324.40 for politicians who had served on Dublin City Council since 2018.

Sure, for God’s sake it was only taxpayers money, and sure taxpayers couldn’t give a f..k. I mean if taxpayers had been fooled into voting “them’s individuals” into office in the first place, they must have expected they would be taken advantage of; lest you forget the F.F. brown envelope planning era.

It has been a tough few days for Tipperary Co. Council this week also. On Wednesday last “RTÉ Investigates” journalist Con Corrigan, “deliberately picked on”, our beloved Tipp authority, daring to accuse them of ‘Project Costs Over-runs‘, [ See HERE ].

Well as all our readers are aware Thurles.Info, were the first to highlight the waste by Tipperary Co. Council engineers.

It appears that a project known as the Suir Blueway, stretching from Clonmel to Carrick On Suir (Not to be confused with the Thurles River Suir Brownway); the former, incorporating a walking and cycling trail along the River Suir in south Tipperary, was initially budgeted for €1.3, then (like the National Children’s Hospital), it became €2m, but ultimately costs eventually closed at €3.7m.

The final costs increased a mere 84% only, on the original budgeted amount; that’s according to documents released to RTÉ Investigates, under freedom of information.

Anyway, the RTÉ Investigates episode didn’t upset Tipperary Co. Council’s Chief Executive Mr Joe MacGrath, who went missing from work on Friday last.

(I should explain that we at Thurles.Info have a habit of sending emails to those we write about – well they might want to accuse us of telling ‘porkies’).

Well Holy God, shock of shocks, the night before last, after 3 years and numerous emails sent, didn’t we actually get a reply, for the very first time, (despite no intervention by the Standards In Public Office Commission), from Mr Joe MacGrath. Well I nearly died.

He stated, quote “Please re-send your email to evelyn.harty@tipperarycoco.ie or contact her at Tel 0818 06 5000. I am away from my office with limited access to emails.”

Then it struck me, this was one of those “Automatic Replies”, latter being doled out normally from every government office in Dublin, but same rarely replied to after that. [Sure you know yourself, in the Public Service half are still working from home and the other half are not working at all, at all].

Anyway, my first thoughts were, why don’t they buy Joe one of those new-fangled Mobile Phone contrivances; called ear phones or eye phones, whatever.
My understanding is that they can now be put to vibrate silently in your trousers pocket, and when activated they can read, and let you see your emails off of a screen, on one side of the device.

Well to cut a long story short, on the same Friday, I had to go over to Cashel and Cahir; (NCT Business in Cahir, then off to buy a 3 scone and tea at Mikey Ryans in Cashel). On the way didn’t I get a call from an old school friend of mine, Charley. Hadn’t seen him in years and he was over visiting here, having brought the wife Camilla on a junket.

Listen, anyway as I’m chatting to Charlie, who did I spy out of the corner of my eye, but some one, the spitting image of Joe, edging in to have a selfie taken with Camilla. Still I can’t be totally sure it was him and since he doesn’t answer his emails, its a waste of time trying to find out.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about and show all our readers, is the pdf of the Thurles Inner Relief Road which ended up destroying the only remaining piece of visible great faminr history in Thurles.
Same document failed to highlight the Great Famine Double Ditch; Public Right of Way; Mass path and Great Famine connection in its regurgated survey info, undertaken by Mr F. Coyne, BA MIAI, despite having surveyed the sections of land on both sides of this 5ft in width, Great Famine, 176 year old Double Ditch.

So Mr MacGrath, if you are reading this email, the Archaeological Impact Statement for the inner relief can be found HERE, by you, Mr Ger Fogarty and indeed the rest of the interested world.

[Mr Ger Fogarty will note that the survey was undertaken in 2013, while Lions Club survey was undertaken in 2018.]

We have already sent this and other documents to “RTÉ Investigates”, then again they might not use the information, but not to worry, we will.

I think the time has come for raised Thurles voices and the digging up of discarded, hidden bodies.