Humour | Thurles Information

A Case Of Talkative Parrots

The little old Thurles widow woman approaches her parish Rector and shyly confesses to him, “Reverend Jones, I have a problem. As you known I live alone and I recently purchased two Rainbow lorikeet, talking parrots; both female, to keep me company, but whenever I am hostess to visitors in my home, they regularly keep repeating an embarrasssing phrase. They each keep saying – Hi, I’m hot; do you want to fool around?”

“That is terrible!” says Rev. Jones. “But stop worrying, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male African Grey, talking parrots. I’ve taught them to pray and read passages from holy scripture.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop repeating suggestive filth, and they also will learn to pray and worship their great creator.”

Next day, the widow woman brings her two female Australian parrots to the local rectory.

There, in a large silver metal cage, sits the Rector’s two male African Grey parrots. One parrot is slowly turning the pages of a large King James edition of the Bible, while the other one sits with his eyes closed; reciting prayers taken from the Book of Common Prayer.

On the suggestion of the Rector, the widow puts both her female Rainbow lorikeet parrots in with the talking male parrots. The female parrots look at each other before, in unison, stating, “Hi, I’m hot. Do you want to fool around?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put that Bible away stupid, can’t you see our prayers have just been answered!”

Senator Garret Ahearn Welcomes Funding For Tipperary Sea Walls.

Senator Garret Ahearn has welcomed an investment of €973,000 across 21 projects in Tipperary from the Department of transport.

Senator Ahearn said he was delighted to have received confirmation from his colleagues Minister Eamon Ryan and Minister of State Hildegarde Naughton that Tipperary County Council have been allocated €973,000 to help Tipperary’s road network become more climate resistant.

Senator Ahearn in his press release stated, “The Programme will assist Tipperary County Council in implementing 21 road improvement projects across the county while building on the support provided under the 2020 July Stimulus Plan”.

Senator Ahearn continued, “The types of projects approved for funding include schemes aimed at alleviating flooding to roads,…….the replacement/repair of seawalls which support regional and local roads.“

Thank you Senator.

Engineers Sow Crop Of Potatoes On Liberty Square.

Thurles Mid-Week Humour

“Well if it isn’t yourself”, said I to Mikey Ryan, “Sure I haven’t seen you since before Christmas”.

I met Mikey yesterday evening admiring the new upgrade being undertaken in the centre of Liberty Square, Thurles.

“Well where have you been hiding yourself. How did you get over the Xmas?”, said I.

“Oh, we got over the Xmas OK” said Mikey, “since our extended family, as you know is big, and because of the Covid-19 restrictions allowing only 6 people into a house for the Xmas dinner, instead we held a funeral for the turkey which legally permitted 25 mourners to be in attendance.”

“Right”, said I somewhat confused, “but where have you been hiding out since Xmas?”.

“I have been over in University Hospital Limerick for the past 3 months,” said Mikey. “Sure I was in a coma for 6 whole weeks”.

“Really”, said I, trying to sound surprised. Well, to be honest I had heard the rumours from one of the neighbours, but no one knew the full story, even though the Guards had visited the house uninvited on a couple of occasions.

“Between ourselves” said Mikey “I was sanitising my hands and happened to say to the kids that I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the potatoes and carrots. No sooner spoken than I felt a sharp pain to the left side of my head and that’s all I remember till I woke up 6 weeks later. The consultant said my injuries were akin to blunt force trauma to the head, possibly caused by having come into contact with a heavy cast iron frying pan. Herself indoors is as puzzled as I am, as to how it happened”.

“Jasus Mikey, talking of potato peelers” said I startled, “I’m thinking this new Liberty Square upgrade won’t be finished until 2025. It looks like they have planted a few drills of potatoes in the Square, sure they won’t be harvested until next September at the earliest.”

“That reminds me”, said Mikey “My father used to say to me “Son, back in my day, I could walk in any store with just a halfpenny in my pocket and come home with a bag of potato chips, two ‘Peggy’s Leg” toffee bars and a two bags of Liquorice Allsorts. Well I suppose times have changed; you couldn’t do that now with all those bloody CCTV cameras stuck everywhere”.

“Do you remember”, continued Mikey smiling “when I was a coal delivery man”.

“I do indeed; that was before you became self-employed” said I.

“Spot on,” said Mikey; a grin on his face, “well it was my last day on the job after dragging, for over 15 years, hundredweight after hundredweight bags of coal on my back in hail rain and snow, around the town of Thurles. When I arrived at one house on the Kickham Street route that day, I was greeted by the woman in one house who congratulated me on my retirement and sent me on my way with a stone of red Rooster potatoes as a gift.
At a second house in Mitchel Street, the family presented me with a packet of 20 Carroll’s, filter tipped, cigarettes”.

“But”, continued Mikey, “it was the gift from a third house situated in the area of Friar Street, that I will never forget.

It was at that house; I was greeted at the door by a beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. Ignoring the black coal dust, she took me by the hand, and led me up the stairs to her bedroom, where without going into the intimate details, she blew my mind with the most passionate lovemaking that I have ever experienced, either since or before.

She then took me downstairs to the kitchen, where she had fixed, in advance, a giant fry-up; eggs, sauté potatoes, rashers, sausages, black pudding; all kept warm at Mark 2 in her gas cooker. This she then served with a tall glass of cold, freshly squeezed orange juice.
When I had eaten my fill, she poured me a cup of steaming hot tea with two sugars. It was as she was pouring the tea that I noticed the green, one pound note sticking out from under the saucer. What’s this pound here for? says I”.
‟Well,” said she, ‟Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day on the job, and that we should do something special for you; to mark the occasion. I asked him what he thought I should give you. He said, “Screw him. Give him a pound”.
But pet, it is important that you remember that the full breakfast was solely my idea.”

Thurles.Info’s Mid-Week Giggle

Thurles.info is delighted that so many of you enjoyed last week’s midweek giggle, so here’s another video that is sure to have you in stitches. Today’s midweek laugh features comedian, radio presenter and TV personality Alan Carr, as he reads a letter that was once sent to an insurance company.

What follows video hereunder is an excruciatingly funny letter that details a series of very unfortunate events involving a Toilet Roll Holder, the Emergency Services and a delicate part of the male anatomy.

As you can gather, in the video, the person who wrote the reply letter, had been asked to do so by his insurance company, because his response to the question “Reason for hospital visit” had been “Stupidity”; thus not seen by the latter as an adequate explaination of matters, necessitating a pay out from the insurance company.

Thurles.Info’s Mid-Week Giggle.

Lockdown is starting to lift, but with today’s miserable weather Thurles.info thought our readers would benefit from a midweek ‘lift’ also.
Here’s one especially for all you dog and cat lovers out there.

In the video featured hereunder, watch the incomparable Benedict Cumberbatch, Olivia Coleman, Julian Clareyand others read this hilarious set of letters aloud. They are sure to give you all a well earned midweek laugh.

Explanation:
In 2014, author, journalist and literary critic, Nicholas Lezard, wrote an article for the Guardian Newspaper (Click HERE to review).
In it, Mr Lezard made his views on dogs quite clear. They were, as far as he was concerned, inferior to cats. Readers and dog lovers everywhere took umbrage at this assertion and what followed was a series of witty retorts in the form of letters to the editor.