Humour | Thurles Information

Tipperary TD Under Investigation For Breaching His Own GDPR.

**Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles, Co.Tipperary**.

“What’s GDPR” asked Mikey.

Myself and Mikey Ryan were above in The Arch Bar and Mikey was scanning a local newspaper with the front page heading stating “Tipperary TD Under Investigation For Breaching His Own GDPR”.

“General Data Protection Regulation” said I, glad to be the scholarly source providing expert and legitimate information in our regular attended licenced hostelry.

“It’s the toughest privacy and security law in the world, drafted by none other than the European Union itself”, I continued, “Why do you ask?“

“Sure it’s all here in the local paper”, said Mikey. “Were you not down at the Friday night retirement dinner for local parish priest Fr Tadgh Willis, last month?” asked Mikey.

“Never mind newspapers, sure paper never refused ink, and to answer your direct question, sure I wasn’t invited to that same event”, said I.

“Neither was I”, said Mikey, “but herself dragged me along, claiming that it was obviously an oversight by the organising committee.”

“I remember hearing Fr Willis was being honoured on his retirement with a dinner, alright, after spending 25 years here in the parish, alright”, said I.

“Correct”, said Mikey, “and a leading local politician, no names, no court marshals, latter a regular attender of funerals and other large congregational gatherings had been chosen to give the toast and to make the presentation, accompanied by that inevitable half hour short speech”.

Alas, according to Mikey, our local politician had gotten slightly delayed by important business in Dáil Éireann on that same Friday evening, so Fr Tadgh was instructed to go ahead and say his own few words, while the guests awaited the politicians arrival.

Mikey closed his eyes, as if in an effort to recall the events of that same evening,” If I remember correctly, Fr Tadgh began …… Ladies and Gentlemen, Reverend Sister, I got my first impression of this Thurles parish from the first confession I ever heard here, some 25 years ago, or so I first thought.
Indeed, I was convinced the Bishop had assigned me to a post in the most sin-ridden place in Ireland.
I remember well the very first person who entered my confessional, who admitted to a litany of serious discretions, e.g. he had stolen a television set; and when questioned by the Gardaí, managed to confuse his investigators;
had stolen money from his parents; embezzled his then employer; had an affair with a colleague’s wife; had sex with their 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs when drunk; was arrested several times for public nudity and finally infected his sister-in-law with VD.
As you can understand, I was naturally appalled that one man could commit so many awful unchristian acts against his fellow man.
However, as the days went on, I learned that my Church-going congregation were not all like him and I had, in fact, come to reside in a fine Christian parish full of good, generous and loving people.”

“Just as the priest finished his prepared speech and sat down, didn’t the local politician arrive, full of apologies for being late”, said Mikey, “and immediately set about making the community presentation, before giving his spiel”.
“I’ll never forget”, said he, according to Mikey, “the very first day our parish Priest arrived in Thurles. In fact, I had the great honour of being the very first person to visit him in his confessional.”

“So now we know why, over the past few weeks, Tipperary politicians can be observed arsing around the town of Thurles on a Friday, instead of attending to business in Dáil Éireann”, said I, “they don’t want to be late for any Friday community events in the future, which might lead to accidental breaches of GDPR”.

“Correct”, said Mikey, “Two more of the same again, Pat, when you’re ready, and two helpings of Hickory Glazed BBQ’d chicken, no rush”.

Mikey Ryan Calls For Government To Insulate His House.

“Well Mikey any news”, said I, as Mikey Ryan and myself wended our way through the continuous maize of plastic road fencing on Liberty Square, Thurles, in an effort to find the front door of The Arch Bar.

**The Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles, Co. Tipperary.**

“Not so much as a morsel happening locally, all’s quiet,” replied Mikey.

“I suppose all the talk at the moment, everywhere, is focused on Cop26 in Scotland; global warming, and the cutting of greenhouse gas emissions by insulating 500,000 homes by 2030“, said I.

“Too right you are”, said Mikey, “I have been calling for this government to insulate my house for years. Only last night Juicy Lucy, you know the one with the big you know what’s”, he gesticulated, in a curvilinear motion, chest high; “that’s living next door to me”

“I do of course” said I, “sure everyone knows the lovely Lucy”.

“Well she was talking over the fence to her-indoors last night”, said Mikey. Last year, the wife was telling me, she replaced all the windows in her house with that expensive double-glazed energy efficient variety, and this morning, she got a call from the contractor who installed them.
“It seems”, said Mikey, “he was complaining that the installation work, which had been fully completed a whole year ago, hadn’t been yet paid for”, said Mikey. “Hellloooo” she supposedly said, “just because I’m good looking doesn’t mean that I am totally stupid”, continued Mikey.

“I don’t believe it”, said I

“True as God”, said Mikey “she, told him in no uncertain terms, just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last year”.

“What was that”, said I.

“From what I can gather”, said Mikey, “she claims that he told her that; and I quote:- “In just ONE YEAR these windows will pay for themselves.”

“Helllooooo? The year is now up”, Lucy supposedly told the contractor”, that’s according to Mikey, “and now you expect to be paid twice. She swears there was only silence followed by fast heavy breathing at the other end of the phone, so she finally just hung up and he never called her back; she reckons he felt like a right eejit”, continued Mikey.

“Two Paddy and a drop of water Pat”, said I, “when you’re ready please; faith Mikey tonight you can feel winter temperatures approaching, you would want your house insulated”.

Mikey Ryan Released From Hospital Observation.

“I haven’t seen you for at least a week”, said I, “Were you on holidays?”.
Mikey Ryan was wending his way towards The Arch Bar, through the labrinth of plastic bollards and wire railings on Liberty Square, as I was exiting the same venue.

“Between ourselves”, said Mikey “And this isn’t widely known, I was in hospital down in Limerick, with a suspected broken jaw”.

Not wishing to pry I asked, in jest, “Did you fall off your wallet again?”

“Not at all”, said Mikey, then lowering his voice he related to me a tale from which some men could do worse than pay attention.

“Truth is I was attacked by a woman in an elevator” Mikey stated in low tones.

“Tell me more” says I, “Was she local?”

“Not at all”, said Mikey, “She was from over Nenagh direction possibly; sure I don’t even know her name. Let me finish the story”.
“There was I already going down in the hotel lift on my own, when she got in on the fourth floor. A good lookin well-built bit of fluff, in her 30’s I’d say. She looked at me in silence, with her back to the rear of the elevator”.

Lowering his voice to a whisper Mikey Ryan continued, “I couldn’t help myself, throwing a series of casual glances sideways at her ample boobs, when she said to me curtly “Sir would you please press one”, so I did.”
“The next thing I remember after that”, confirmed Mikey, “was a paramedic crouched over me, in a speeding ambulance; sirens blazing, and this ferocious pain in my swollen left jaw”.

“And how did you explain that to herself indoors”, said I.

“Oh, I told her I fell backwards out of an indoor swing in the hotel”, said Mikey, “while having my photo taken. I said I was holding drink in both my hands, thus restricting my ability to balance and preventing myself from holding the ropes properly“.

“Listen I have to rush”, said Mikey, “I have a terrible thirst and Pat will be calling last orders shortly. Are you sure you won’t wait for one more?”.

“No can’t possibly”, said I, “Herself is gone to Bingo and she is insisting I watch the 11:00pm news and relate, when she returns, why Kate Middleton didn’t bond with Meghan Markle.”

Much Loved “Only Fools and Horses” Character ‘Boycie’ dies, aged 79.

English actor John Spurley Challis (1942 – 2021), best known for portraying Terrance Aubrey “Boycie” Boyce in the long-running BBC Television sitcom “Only Fools and Horses” (1981–2003) has sadly passed away today, at the age of 79 years, following a battle with cancer.

Mr Challis will also be long remembered from the “Only Fools and Horses” spin-off “The Green Green Grass”, as well as “Monty Staines” in the ITV sitcom ‘Benidorm’.

Announcing the passing of Mr Challis, his family stated: “It is with heavy hearts that we bring you such sad news. Our dear friend and yours, John Challis, has died peacefully in his sleep, after a long battle with cancer. He will always be loved for being ‘Boycie’ and leaves a great legacy of work that will continue to bring pleasure and smiles for many years to come.
Please respect the privacy of John’s family and friends at this difficult time, and be assured that in the future there will be an occasion to celebrate John’s life, when everyone will be welcome to come along.”

Co-star Sir David Jason also paid tribute to Mr Challis, labelling him “a wonderful actor” and also “a gentleman in the true sense of the word.”

In ár gcroíthe go deo.

Tipp. Co. Co’s Super Mattress Bonus Give-Away Begins Tomorrow.

Tipperary County Council’s Mattress Bonus Give-Away

Local Councillors and a Senior Executive Officer from “Environment and Climate Action”, stationed within the local Tipperary Authority, rushed out last week to announce on Facebook; on Local Radio and on local Press that an opportunity had arisen to dispose of unwanted mattresses at Civic Amenity sites across Tipperary.

With politicians on holiday, news and political self-promotional announcements, within Tipperary as a whole, were down to a mere trickle at the end of August. It was no surprise therefore that Local Radio; Local Press, together with Local Councillors, all of whom do not get out much anymore, should go into a ‘feeding frenzy’, with news of this “Super Mattress Bonus Give-Away” announcement, taking place only during the month of September 2021.

Well actually folks, readers need to read the fine print, it is only happening on 3 days during September – note 3 dates, are Friday 10th; Friday 17th and Friday 24th.

This event is being lauded as part of Tipperary County Council’s new anti-dumping initiative, with the mattresses to be taken in free of charge at Civic Amenity sites, instead of at the normal costs of €20 for a double mattress and €18 for a single.

You will remember that previously, the council, had discussed equipping themselves with MQ-9 Reaper drones to identify and annihilate fly tippers. One hoped that sufficient training would be given to councillors, when R9-X variant missiles were being used, so as to avoid collateral damage to ordinary unemployed local civilians. [Well you saw what happened recently in landlocked Afghanistan.]

OK, let’s examine the logic of this great “Tipperary County Council “September Mattress Bonus Saver”.

Firstly Remember, Thurles is the only town in all of Co. Tipperary that does not have a Council Civic Amenity Site, despite the town currently having the second largest population in the county. (Estimated Population 10,000). The result is that Thurles residents must therefore use the facilities enjoyed by other more influential upmarket towns in Co. Tipperary.

Clonmel (Estimated Population 17,500) Civic Amenity Site: Mattresses accepted only on Friday, September 17th, 2021 only from 8:30am-12:30pm and 1:00pm-3:30pm at their Carrigeen facility, Business Park, Clonmel, Co. Tipperary.
The return trip to Thurles is 99 km taking approximately 90 min driving time.

Nenagh (Estimated Population 9,500) Civic Amenity Site: Mattresses accepted on Friday September 10th, 2021 only, from 8:30am-12:30pm and 1:00pm-3:30pm, at their Limerick Rd, facility, Stereame, Nenagh, Co. Tipperary.
The return trip to Thurles town is 80km taking approximately 80 min driving time.

Roscrea (Estimated Population 5,500) Civic Amenity Site: Mattresses accepted also on Friday September 10th, 2021 only from 8:30am-12:30pm and 1:00pm-3:30pm at their Roscrea Civic Amenity Site, on Dublin Road, Roscrea, Co. Tipperary.
The return trip to Thurles is 70km, taking approximately 80 min driving time.

Donohill Tipperary (Estimated Population 5,500) Civic Amenity Site: Mattresses accepted only on Friday September 24th, 2021, from 8:30am-12:30pm and 1:00pm-3:30pm at their Garryshane facility. Donohill, Co. Tipperary.
The return trip to Thurles is 70 km, taking approximately 75min driving time.

And finally, Cashel (Estimated Population 4,500) Civic Amenity Site: Mattresses accepted only on Friday September 24th, 2021, only from 8:30am-12:30pm and 1:00pm-3:30pm at their Wallers’ Lot facility Clonmel Road, Cashel, Co. Tipperary.
The return trip to Thurles is 50 km, taking approximately 45 min driving time.

Mattress Transport:
Since double or indeed single spring or memory foam mattresses will not fit in most motor vehicles; a van or trailer is actually required to transport your mattress.

Then the first three questions that you need to ask yourself is:- (1) “Do I own a car or is the husband or wife gone to Dublin to work, using it”? (2) “Have I got a hitch on my car”?, and finally (3) “Do I hold a licence to tow a trailer”?

With Irish Amazon’s ‘fulfilment centre’, set to create 500 jobs, no longer coming to the Munster Hotel area in Thurles, thanks to useless self-promoting and nest feathering politicians, can the man or woman in your life inform their Dublin employer that “I need to take Friday off, to get rid of a badly stained double or single (or both), mattress“?

[Of course if you work in the Public Service, you should be OK. Unlike every other employment in our State you will be allowed, without question, to “pull a 3 day sicky” a couple of times each year, without a request for a medical practitioner‘s cert.]

Since we are informed that a maximum of 4 mattresses are only allowed per customer, how will they know that 4 mattresses were not brought to more than one Civic Amenity facility?

Will the neighbouring counties of Waterford, Cork, Limerick, Offaly, Laois, Galway and Kilkenny, jump at the opportunity to suddenly traverse our badly defended borders, using false addresses and spreading the Covid-19 virus, in their effort to rid themselves of their smudged, splattered and urine blemished mattresses?

Assuming that you now use one of the many individuals currently licenced to operate a “material recovery business”, (latter businesses of which there are many in Thurles), a brief check today confirms that one double mattress and one single, cost €40 in transport costs.

Now, I can see why people wait until after dark to dump their trash out in the wilds of Templetuohy bog; in Littleton bog or here in Thurles on the “Double Ditch”, before then setting it alight to avoid detection through letters and other paper being accidentally included; thus causing “Wild Fires”.

However, what now leaves me suffering from cold sweats late at night, is the thought that the back office individual who dreamed up this great ‘Tipperary Council Super Bonus Giveaway’, could actually get elevated to a higher station, when their next annual increment is given the “nod and the wink”.