“Tipperary hammered a fair auld job on Kilkenny yesterday”, said I earlier today to Mikey Ryan. We were above in the Arch Bar in Liberty Square, Thurles, having a pint, while waiting for the Tipperary hurlers to arrive home, carrying the Liam McCarthy cup.
“They sure did”, replied a somewhat down-in-the-mouth Mikey, “a whole 14 points no less, still it’s because of them that I could be joining the Dole queue come Friday night”.
“In the name of God, how could the Tipperary Senior Hurling team be responsible for you being shunted onto a dole queue?”, said I, with raised eyebrows.
“Sure”, said Mikey, “didn’t I tell that feckin Kilkenny boss of mine that my uncle Johnny, had died, the one above in Kildare,and he gave me compassionate leave time last Thursday evening to attend the funeral on Friday”.
“Jasus you never said your Uncle Johnny died; may the Lord have mercy on him and had I known I could have gone up to the funeral” said I, somewhat taken aback, I can tell you, by this unexpected news, after all we were in the same class in the CBS. “And tell me”, I continued somewhat shocked, “was it sudden or had he been complaining?”.
“No, sure Johnny isn’t dead at all”, said Mikey, lowering his voice to a mere whisper, “he’s very much in the land of the living”.
“You see the whole truth is” continued Mikey in low tones, “I managed to obtained two tickets for the Tipp / Kilkenny match; sure all I wanted was to get the Friday off, so that herself and myself could head up to me sister-in-law’s place near Croke Park, staying over till after the match”.
“So why didn’t you take a ‘sicky’ like everyone else”, said I, somewhat relieved by the emerging facts.
“I got in to feckin work on the early shift this morning and there he was, waggling his index finger, beckoning me”, said Mikey.
“Do you”, says he, “believe in life after death?”
“Most certainly not”, says I confidently, “sure when you study that nonsense in detail, you’ll eventually come to the conclusion there’s not a morsel of proof in any such belief.”
“Well, there is now”, said my boss man, “because after you left here on Thursday evening to go to your uncle Johnny’s funeral in Kildare on Friday, didn’t the same uncle Johnny arrive in here looking for you”.
“Sure, you might, when you’re not too busy”, says he, “call into my office tomorrow for a more in-depth discussion on this unusual ghostly phenomenon”.
It’s confirmed, they have vanished into thin air as if by magic. Yes, all five gates guarding the entrance to St. Patrick’s cemetery have disappeared.
Making solid metal objects vanish has never failed to spark a sense of wonder in the hearts of simple rural dwellers.
Where did they go? Were they stolen by Dublin criminals, to be carted back to the nation’s capital, using high speed cars pulling flat trailers; to be sold off by the thief, anxious to fund his next heroin fix? Should local Thurles Gardaí be notified?
St. Patrick’s cemetery was first consecrated on May 11th, 1928, by Most Reverend Dr. J.W. Harty, Roman Catholic Archbishop of Cashel & Emly. (See history link HERE.) Since that date, some 91 years later, the gates to this cemetery have received no more than one coat of paint, adequately reflecting the current overall attitude that exists within Thurles, under the current governance of Templemore / Thurles Municipal District Council and their officials.
Hold on a second; is there a chance here that perhaps Thurles Municipal District Council officials may have demanded their removal; same mortified and red faced, in the knowledge that €90.00 is now required for planning permission to currently erect a headstone on previously purchased graves?
One wonders why recently elected local town councillors haven’t been busy on Facebook in search of credits or did perhaps officials fail to inform them of the removal?
Speaking of Facebook, we did note that one councillor was “calling” for a “Sensory Garden” for the town at their last meeting. Sure wouldn’t St. Patrick’s cemetery make a lovely Sensory Garden, now that the gates are gone hopefully for repair or for scrap and eventual replacement!
The Government has been given just 21 days to stop misusing Public Services Cards and the Data Protection Commission (DPC) are demanding that data held on more than 3.2 million such cards be now deleted within 21 days.
Public Services Cards were first introduced as a pilot scheme in 2011, primarily as a means of preventing social welfare fraud. Initially, it was to be an identification card of sorts, containing simply the personal details of the holder e.g. their name, photo, PPS Number etc, that could be presented by individuals identifying themselves when claiming social welfare benefits.
However, to many including Digital Rights Ireland; the Irish Council for Civil Liberties; the UN’s Special Rapporteur on Extreme Poverty and Age Action, this same introduction was seen as an attempt to introduce a National ID card by stealth.
Some cynics, distrustful of current government sincerity or integrity, suggested, (tongue in cheek), that PPS Numbers should be tattooed on peoples left arms, latter the method of identification used to identify inmates in German concentration camps, like Auschwitz and Birkenau in Poland.
Public Services Cards went on to grant not just access to Social Welfare Services but access toChild Benefit and Treatment Benefits; first time adult passport applicants within the State; citizenship applications; driver theory test applications and access to personal online public services, e.g. Social Welfare and Revenue services, via MyGovId.
In recent years the Irish populace, particularly the elderly, were being persistently contacted by the Department of Social Protection, latter who were insisting that Public Services Cards were mandatory. The Minister for Social Welfare, Regina Doherty, stated back in 2017, that this PSC card was, quote; “mandatory but not compulsory” and yet “no more compulsory than having a driving license”, after a woman in her 70’s revealed she had not received her pension for 18 months, because she had refused to register for the card.
The department will now have six weeks in total to submit new plans to the Data Protection Commission (DPC), (latter the national independent authority responsible for upholding the fundamental right of the individual within the EU to have their personal data protected), outlining how it will bring this Public Services Card scheme into full compliance with current existing data protection legislation.
The amount of taxpayers money that has been wasted by this government on this project is estimated at €54.6 million; with some €9.5 million being incurred so far this year and card production alone costing €20.9 million according to the Irish Times newspaper.
The madam, Ms Aurora Murphy, opened the local celebrity bordello door on Cloontyprocklis Street, Thurles, to find a rather well-dressed man, aged possibly in his early forties, standing on the granite doorstep, outside.
“May I help you sir?” asked Ms Aurora.
“I would like to see Ms Felicity Ryan”, this well-dressed caller replied.
As locals and regular visitors to Cloontyprocklis Street will be aware, Ms Aurora Murphy, as was her usual habit, first slowly scanned twice both sides of the Cul de Sac, anticipating a possible raid from the Criminal Assets Bureau (CAB), before, with some hesitation, she informed the visitor in low tones, “Sir, do be aware that Ms Felicity is one of our more expensive commodities. Perhaps you would prefer something a little cheaper perhaps”
“No, I would like to see Ms Felicity Ryan,” he replied.
Just then Felicity appeared from behind a screen and announced to the man that, because of her fear of Boris Johnston’s attitude with regards to next October’s Brexit deal, she accepted only Euro currency in advance; €5,000 per visit, including value added tax (VAT).
Without hesitation, the man counted out five thousand Euro and gave it to Ms Felicity, before accompanying her upstairs.
One hour later he was gone, but not for long. The following evening, this same well-dressed man was back, and once more demanding to visit with Ms Felicity Ryan.
The Madam, Ms Aurora Murphy, explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row to visit Ms Felicity Ryan, for no other reason other than she was so expensive, and any hope of a discount would not even be remotely entertained. The price would remain and stand firmly at €5,000 Euro per visit, including VAT.
Again, the man, without hesitation, pulled out 10 crisp notes in denominations of €500, and handed them to Ms Felicity Ryan, before ascending the stairs. One hour later a smiling client had again departed, but again not for long.
The following evening the man was surprisingly back yet again. Every one of the girls employed at the house were astounded that he had come back for a third consecutive night. They arrived at the conclusion that he probably was either a Member of the European Parliament (MEP); a Teachta Dála (TD) or a Banker; with some even suggesting that he could be an Irish Water executive. Once again, without a word, he paid Ms Felicity in full and in advance, before again ascending the carpeted staircase.
Later, just before he left and as he enjoyed a quick snort of cocaine through a rolled €50 Euro note; Ms Felicity Ryan decided to indirectly question the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row”, she smiled, “Where do you hail from may I ask?”
” I’m from Marino, Co. Dublin”, the man replied.
“Really”, said Ms Felicity, her eyebrows raised, “What a coincidence, I believe I have a family member whom I haven’t visited recently, still living in Marino, Co. Dublin”.
“Sure, I know that”, the well-dressed man replied, “I am a solicitor and handle the affairs of your now deceased unmarried sister. It was she in fact, before her death, who asked me to deliver your €15,000 inheritance, preferably in person.”
The Moral of This Story:
It is not just death and taxes that remain a certainty in one’s lifetime, but also the possibility of being screwedby a Solicitor.
Teacher: “Paddy now listen carefully; if I gave you 2 rabbits, then another 2 rabbits and then yet another 2 rabbits, how many rabbits in total would you own?”
Paddy: “Seven Miss”.
Teacher: “No Paddy, you are not listening. If I gave you 2 rabbits, then another 2 rabbits and then 2 more rabbits, how many rabbits in total would you have in all?”
Paddy: “I would have seven rabbits Miss”.
Teacher: “OK, I will put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, then another 2 apples and then another 2 apples, how many apples in total would you have?”
Paddy: “I would have six apples Miss”.
Teacher: “Excellent. Now lets try this again. If I gave you 2 rabbits, then another 2 rabbits and then 2 more rabbits, how many rabbits in total would you have?”
Paddy(Counting on his fingers): “I would have seven rabbits Miss”.
Teacher (Now annoyed): “Paddy in the name of God, where are you getting your seven from?”
Paddy: “Well I feckin already have one rabbit at home, Miss”.
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