Thurles Information

Death Notice
John Joe opened the Tipperary Star newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. So he quickly phoned his best friend Dick to allay any rumours.
“Did you see the paper?” asked John Joe. “They are saying I died!!”
“Yes, I saw that!” replied Dick. “Where are you callin’ from?”

Laughter

Mysterious Death
His wife had died under mysterious circumstances and the police were interviewing Murphy.
“Did your wife say anything before she died?” asked the Police Man.
“She spoke without interruption, non stop, for about forty years,” said Murphy.

Medicine
The young Thurles Doctor was puzzled, “I’m very sorry but I can’t seem to diagnose your trouble, Paddy. I think it must be drink. ”
“Sure don’t worry about it Doctor, I’ll come back later when you’re sober.” replied Paddy.

Scientific Exploration
Germany conducted  scientific exploration involving their very best scientists. Core drilling samples of soil were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on the samples, Angela Merkel announced that the ancient German people some 25,000 years ago, had a nationwide underground telephone network.
The British government decided to do tests of their own. So they ordered their own scientists to take core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and David Cameron later announced that the ancient Brits, 35,000 years ago, already had an underground nationwide optic fibre telephone network.
Ireland not wishing to be outdone immediately ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m, but found absolutely nothing. The Taoiseach, Enda Kenny later confirmed that the ancient Irish people over 55,000 years ago, were a more advanced civilisation than the rest of Europe, and had developed the worlds first ever wireless telephone network system.

Between you and me (and this is not widely known so keep it to yourself), the outgoing Fianna Fáil /Greens outfit often consulted me here at Thurles.Info for advice on solving some, shall we just say difficult economic issues. Fact is, and if the truth was fully told, I should be running this country, and Dáil Éireann should be moved to Thurles for my convenience.

I just feel it in me water, that the Fine Gael / Labour coalition will be calling me shortly.  I expect Dr James Reilly T.D., Minister for Health and Mr Alan Shatter, T.D., Minister for Justice and Equality will be the first to call on Skype one of these days. Dr Reilly will be looking for my views on Nursing homes and Mr Shatter, I expect will be wishing to discuss solutions in solving the problem of our over crowded prison system.

Of course these two issues are no problem to someone with my superior organisational ability and intellect, and if both of these ministers thoughts were as focused as much as mine, even they could work out the necessary simple solution required.

The answer to both these current problems is to put the pensioners in jail and the criminals into our private nursing homes.

Now readers before your start having negative reactions to my plan, let’s examine the logic and I will firstly discuss, in dept, the benefits to our elderly:-

(1) Old aged pensioners, if put in prison, would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
(2) They would receive free prescriptions, money, wheel chairs, dental and medical treatment.
(3) They would have constant video monitoring, thus receiving help instantly if they should fall, or require other urgent assistance.
(4) All bed linen would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them, neat and clean smelling.
(5) A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals, drugs, cigarettes, mobile phones and daily snacks to the comfort of their cosy cells. (Yes cigarettes are allowed in prisons and no smoking ban exists. Helps to reduce stress you understand.)
(6) Residents could entertain family and friends who visit, in a special visiting suite, erected for that purpose.
(7) The more active could access the library, the gym or use the pool, while those less active could attend spiritual counselling, watch HD colour TV  or be wheeled into adult education classes, to advance themselves.
(8) Simple clothing, such as shoes, slippers, Pajama’s etc, would be free on demand.
(9) Free legal aid would be available to each resident, to protect them from siblings intent on selling their houses in their absence. (Well we all know the difference between a ‘Home’ and a ‘House’. A ‘Home‘ is where your children send you, when they want to sell your ‘House‘.
(10) Secure private locked rooms would be available to all, with an outdoor exercise yard, containing flower gardens.
(11) Each senior resident would have access to PC’s, TV’s, Radio’s and could receive free daily monitored phone calls.
(12) There would be a Board of Directors to hear complaints from residents, and the prison guards would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered too.

Next, let’s look at the ever growing prison population problem and the advantages of using Nursing Homes as a correctional facility.

(1) The criminals if moved into Nursing Homes would receive cold food daily.
(2) They would be left for long periods all alone and unsupervised.
(3) Lights would be switched off sharp at 8.00pm.
(4) Showers would only be allowed once a week.
(5) These prisoners would live in tiny unsecured room spaces.
(6) Each inmate would contribute €600.00 per week towards their upkeep.
(7) Inmates on early release would not want to commit further crime in case they would be sent back.
(8) Visiting hours for family member would be limited to a space smelling of urine.
(9) Those upsetting the system would be placed under heavy sedation.
(10) Gang members offering violence to other inmates could be tied hand and foot to beds and wheelchairs.

I have just had a thought, maybe I should open up one of those Political Clinics. Sure I have all the qualifications required. I can smile, remember peoples names, attend funerals, liaise with local active groups, advise clients on how to get the last red cent in social welfare benefits and be a sorting house for pothole filling and providing electric bulbs for street lighting.

I would be brilliant at ‘looking into’ housing applications and planning problems with a view to grant aiding. All I would have to do is writes to the Minister, who would pass my communication to a Civil Servant. That Civil Servant would draft a reply for the Minister to send back to me. I could pass this to my patients/constituents.

This could even give the illusion of me having influence over high profile government decisions, which are in fact far outside and way beyond my reach.