Thurles Information

Our rural independent correspondent Mr M. Bannon reports on a near tragic event in the village of Littleton, Thurles, Co. Tipperary, this morning:-

A father walked into Darmody’s Bar in the village of Littleton to have a lunch time pint with his young son. To keep his son occupied, he gave the young boy three single Euro coins with which to play; to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the father noticed that the boy and had gone blue in the face and appeared to be choking. Realizing the boy had possibly swallowed one or more of the coins he began to perform abdominal trusts, better known as the Heimlich Maneuver, which as most people are aware is a first aid procedure successfully used to treat airway obstructions caused by the swallowing of foreign objects.

Immediately the boy coughed up two of the Euro coins, but continued to choke on a third object.

A woman, in a blue business suit, sitting nearby, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee was attracted by the sound of the commotion being made by father and son. Folding her newspaper she places it on a table and made her way across to the distressed couple.
Quickly she drops the boys pants, and taking hold of his genitals, she starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last one Euro coin. Releasing the boy’s genitals, the woman calmly walks back to her coffee and newspaper, without so much as a remark.

Having checked his son had suffered no ill effects, the father went over to the woman to thank her. “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, you were simply fantastic.  Are you a doctor? “ the father asked.

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m an Income Tax Inspector with the Office of the Revenue Commissioners.”

Mikey and Biddy Grant had two boys, Gerry and Joe aged 12 and 14, “proper bould mischievous brats, badly in need of a regular trimmin,” according to ‘The Widow Scanlan’, who constantly regretted the day she had ever accepted the keys from the Templemore / Thurles Municipal District Council, to find herself now in residence next door to the these neighbours from hell.

Parents Mikey and Biddy Grant would have been the first to accept that any mischief that occurred in the town of Thurles; 99% of same would and could be attributed to one, or the other, or indeed both of their sons. Indeed, Sergeant Sean Brannigan was heard to say, on more than one occasion, that those Grant boys, if only caught and locked up, same would solve 95% of all criminal acts occurring in the town.

Their mother Biddy, in particular, was embarrassingly aware and indeed sick to the teeth of every day complaints and that well worn track up her drive, worn by threatening townsfolk, and Gardaí, asking questions regarding the whereabouts of Gerry and Joe Grant.

Last week Biddy got word that a new priest in Thurles had a great proven success rate in disciplining mischievous youngsters, and setting them on the straight and narrow in avoiding criminal behaviour. After Mass in Thurles Cathedral last Sunday she called into the sacristy. Admitting her own failings as a parent; she pleaded that this priest would speak severely and “straighten out” her young lads.

A somewhat reluctant priest agreed, but insisted on seeing Gerry and Joe as individuals. On the Monday morning, Biddy sent her 12-year-old first; with the older boy scheduled to visit the priest later in the afternoon.

Fr. Jimmy Ryan, a giant of a man with a thunderous, booming voice, sat Gerry Grant down and asked him sternly “Where is God?”
A wide-eyed Gerry’s mouth dropped open, without a response.
Now sitting with his mouth hanging open, Fr. Jimmy repeated the question in an even sterner tone “Where is God!!?”.  Again the freckled, frightened and red faced boy made no attempt at reply. Fr. Jimmy raised his voice even more and shaking his finger in Gerry’s face he bellowed “I asked you a question, where is God!?”

Terrorised Gerry screamed and like a bolt of lightening, he fled from the room. Running directly home and knowing his parents were both at work, he made straight for his own room, slamming the door behind him.

A curious older brother Joe entered his room a short time later to find Gerry, red faced sitting on his bed.  “Well tell us”, said the brother “What happened down in the parochial house?”  The younger brother, still gasping for breath, replied “We’re in really big trouble this time, dude. God’s gone missing and they think we did it!”