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Thurles
Partly sunny
18°C
real feel: 17°C
wind speed: 2 m/s W
sunrise: 5:23 am
sunset: 9:34 pm
 

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Fears Expressed On The Mind Altering Effects Of Cheese

After a fine feed of Tipperary Blue Organic Cheese; latter served thickly on fresh hot crusty bread, and washed down with half a bottle of a desert wine, with the unpronounceable name of Beerenauslese, I lay back in the armchair and switched on RTE1.

Last time we saw Mr Enda Kenny live in Thurles was on May 25th 2012. 

Mr Leo Varadkar and Mr Simon Coveney were arguing verbally on their princely right to become the next Fine Gael leader and Taoiseach (Prime Minister), following Enda Kenny’s abdication, (or was it abnegation. I always mix these two words up, but I know one of them means ‘rejection’).

Was my perception-altering effect brought on by the fact that I had spent time as a guest of the HSE recently? Could it have been the cheese? Could I be one of the 400,000 Irish water drinkers being targeted by trihalomethane toxins?

Either or, suddenly I found myself sitting in the forum area of Dáil Éireann. The TD’s surrounding me had all metamorphosed into organs of the body, each one arguing on their right to be the one to take control of all the other body parts.

“I should be in command,”  said the Brain, “Because I am the body’s microprocessor, the central processing unit (CPU) that run the body’s various systems. To be honest without me, you organs would all be useless.”

“No, I should be in charge,” said the Blood, “I circulate oxygen all through the pulmonary arteries and veins of the body, and so without me body organs do not survive”

“I should be in charge,” said the Stomach,“Three times each day I process the food that give all of you organs your necessary energy.”

“No, I should be in charge,” said the Legs, “Because I carry the body organs wherever they needs to go.”

“I should be in charge,” said the Eyes angrily, “Without me the organs of the body would be unable to observe and see exactly where they are going.”

“You are all incorrect,” said the Rectum, “Without me taking responsibility for waste disposal, none of you would survive for long.”

The other body parts began to snort and hoot with laughter, following this claim made by the Rectum, so now, feeling intimidated, insulted and partially terrorised he decided to prove a point and shut down tight his normal daily cleansing operations.

Within hours the Brain had developed a terrible headache; the Stomach became bloated; the Legs got weak; the Eyes became itchy and began to water, and finally the Blood developed mild septic shock.

Eventually, following an emergency Body Organ Cabinet meeting of all the organs concerned, it was decided that in the interest of self preservation the Rectum should be elected to the post of Fine Gael leader and Taoiseach.

Announcing this decision Fine Gael’s party whip stated that even though the other organs do most of the work, the asshole should always be the one placed in command, regardless.

“Goal”, my brother screamed, lifting me bolt upright in my armchair. This, ‘person born of parents not married to each other’, (if you know what I mean), had deliberately changed the TV channel across to Sky Sports as I dozed, and Liverpool’s Sadio Mané had put one in the net, past Southampton.

No lads, in all seriousness, I’ll have to give up that Tipperary Blue Organic Cheese, hot bread and Beerenauslese desert wine, and start going to bed earlier. I am convinced that all this new rich foreign food, being imported weekly into Thurles by Aldi, and Lidl is now seriously affecting the neural circuits of my brain; adding to these perception-altering effects.

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Cork Take Four Point Win Over Tipperary

The reigning Provincial and All-Ireland Hurling Champions Tipperary were dethroned by Cork this afternoon, with the latter gaining their first championship win in Thurles since 2006.

Cork began well, taking 3 points in the first 4 minutes, courtesy of Conor Lehane, Luke Meade and Seamus Harnedy, but Tipperary by the 7th minute were even, with points from Noel McGrath, Brendan Maher and and Sean Curran.

A point by Cork’s Alan Cadogan is answered by Tipperary’s Michael Breen and so for the first 35 minutes spectators witnessed a superb exhibition of point-taking, with both teams levelling the match for an incredible 12 times. Half-time score Tipperary 0-15pts –  Cork 0-15pts.

At the beginning of the second-half Conor Lehane put Cork back in front with his fifth point of the match, quickly answered by Tipperary’s Dan McCormack. Cork’s Pat Horgan gets a point, followed in the 43 minute by the first goal of the game from Cork’s Shane Kingston. Tipperary’s John O’Dwyer (Bubbles) grabed a point back following a foul. Score now stands Tipperary 0-17pts – Cork 1-17 (20pts)

Points continue to be traded, coming from Cork’s Mark Ellis, Conor Lehane, Pat Horgan and Shane Kingston; all being answered by Tipperary’s Noel McGrath, Michael Breen and Seamus Callanan.

Then in the 56 minute Tipperary take the lead, as Callanan switches play to target John McGrath, positioned on the edge of the square. The Loughmore / Casteliney man did not fail; rifling the sliotar into the top corner of Cork’s net. Score going into the 57th minute Tipperary 1-22 (25pts)Cork 1-21 (24pts).

Cork’s Conor Lehane now equalises and with just over 10 minutes to go fellow team mate Shane Kingston puts the Rebels once more in the lead.

Points follow from Tipperary’s Niall O’Meara and Brendan Maher, answered by Cork’s Conor Lehane leaving the score at the 67th minute, Tipperary 1-24 (27pts)Cork 1-24 (27pts).

A further point from Cork and then disaster; the sliotar bounces to a waiting Cork substitute, Michael Cahalane, and he buries it easily past the Tipperary goal keeper Darren Gleeson. Despite four minutes of additional playing time and an intrepid and audacious Tipperary team, the full-time final scoreboard read Tipperary 1-26 (29pts) –  Cork 2-27 (33pts).

Despite Corks 4 point win; surely today’s game must go down on record as one of the closest Munster championship ever contested in recent memory.

Tipperary Team: Darren Gleeson; Cathal Barrett; James Barry; John O’Keeffe; Seamus Kennedy; Ronan Maher; Padraic Maher (Capt); Brendan Maher; Michael Breen; Dan McCormack; Sean Curran; Noel McGrath; John O’Dwyer; Seamus Callanan, and John McGrath.

Tipperary Substitions: Niall O’Meara for Sean Curran; Joe O’Dwyer for Seamus Kennedy and Alan Flynn for injured Cathal Barrett.

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Death Of Margaret Cahill, Leugh, Thurles, Tipp.

It is with great sadness we learned of the death yesterday, Saturday 20th May 2017, of Mrs Margaret (Peggy) Cahill (née Delahunty), Leugh, Thurles, Co. Tipperary.

Relict of Jim; Mrs Cahill passed away at home, while in the loving care of her family and dedicated carers.

Her passing is most deeply regretted by her loving son Sean; daughters Cáit (Bennett) and Mairead (Kennedy); sons in law Sean Ryan, Gerry and Noel; brothers Jerry, Conor and John; sister Philomena; grandchildren Claire, Karen, James and Michael; nephews; nieces; brothers in law; sisters in law; extended relatives; neighbours and friends.

Funeral Arrangements
The earthly remains of Mrs Cahill will repose at her residence on today Sunday 21st May from 4.00pm to 8.00pm. Her remains will arrive at the Church of St Cataldus, Ballycahill, Thurles on tomorrow morning, Monday, May 22nd, at 11.00am.

Requiem Mass will also take place on Monday at 11.30am, followed by interment immediately afterwards in Ballycahill cemetery, Holycross, Thurles, Co. Tipperary.

Note: Family flowers only, donations, if desired, to North Tipperary Hospice Movement.

Go ndéana Dia trócaire ar a h-anam dílis.

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Paddy Maher Sees Life Differently

In the Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Mick Ryan and Paddy Maher were discussing modern family trends, in relation to sex, marriage, and basic overall modern family values.
“Begorra, I didn’t sleep with me wife before we got married, did you?”  Mick enquired.
Paddy replied, “Bejasus I’m not fully sure Mick, can you tell me what was her maiden name?”

It was his teacher’s discussion on a person’s capacity for understanding, logic, planning, creativity, and problem solving, that prompted Paddy’s 12-year-old son Wayne Eden Maher to probe, “Pa, where actually did my intelligence come from?”
To which Paddy quickly replied, “Without fear of contradiction I can confirm son it was gotten solely from your mother Mary, cause I still have mine.”

Paddy’s wife Mary had left him and prior to her death had sought and been granted a divorce. Deciding on that particular case, in camera, at Thurles District Court, sometime in May of 2014, the Judge had stated “Mr. Maher, I have reviewed this case very thoroughly and having done so, I’ve decided to give your wife €600.00 a week in maintenance costs.”
Paddy thanked the judge stating, “That’s more than fair your Honour, and sure every now and then I’ll try and send her a few Euro’s meself.”

Mary’s tragic death, some weeks’ latter was caused by her putting her hand into an unearthed toaster, while at the same time attempting to fill an electric kettle from an ‘Irish Water’ tap.  Still named as ‘next of kin’ on her medical file, Paddy was duly summoned.  “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all, at all”, said the doctor pulling Paddy aside.
”Not to worry in the least Doc,” said Paddy “If the truth be told, down the years and in bright daylight, sure I never really liked the look of her meself.”

But it was that morning of Mary’s interment in St Patrick’s Cemetery, Thurles, that got Paddy to thinking seriously about his religion. On that morning as the funeral service just finished, a massive clap of thunder filled the air. It was followed instantly by a tremendous flash of lightning, accompanied seconds later by even more rumbling. Paddy looked at the old parish priest, Father John, and remarked, “Well, it looks like she’s feckin arrived there already.”

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Five Tipperary Community Projects Awarded €15,000

Some 196 Community projects nationwide are set to benefit from grants just announced (2017) by the Heritage Council. Community Projects in Co. Tipperary which have been awarded Grants are listed hereunder, with total bestowed funding amounting to €15,000.

Tipperary LibrariesCarrick-on-Suir Library – Urban Wildlife Garden 2017.
Awarded €1,500 to convert the library garden into an Urban Wildlife Garden which will raise awareness while also providing habitat for small mammals, insects, birds and especially pollinators.

BirdWatch IrelandMaking nature accessible – “Wildlife outside your window”.
Awarded €4,000 to showcase less accessible natural heritage to a diverse audience through video productions to engage children and adults of all ages with the wonders of wildlife outside their window.

Commons Old SchoolThe Commons Past and Present.
Awarded €1,500 to provide a structured activity for young people living in the village to record/research/present past life of The Commons village, through different media of visual art, audio recordings and model Construction.

Burncourt Community Council Ltd.Repair of windows to a John Nash designed hunting lodge (Mountain Lodge).
Awarded 6,000 to restore Mountain Lodge and return to use as a niche accommodation facility, hill-walkers stop and seasonal café.

South Tipperary Beepkeepers’ AssociationPollinator Education in South Tipperary in line with the All Ireland Pollinator Plan.
Awarded €2,000 to increase awareness of the plight of native Irish pollinators. To encourage young adults to take on the responsibility of safeguarding our bee and pollinator population.

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