Humour « Thurles Information

100 Jobs Lost At ‘French Frillies’ In Thurles

I fool you not readers, when I state that figures in relation to those under the age of 25 years, in receipt of Social Welfare in Thurles, have actually increased. If you don’t believe me, check CSO figures HERE yourself; yes, and also check that when the categories ‘Both Sexes’ and ‘All Ages’ are represented, note currently 2,169 persons are in receipt of Social Assistance. Yes indeed, Tipperary The Place, The Time.

The last two to be laid off this week and who found themselves drawn to the Thurles unemployment office, were Paddy McGann and Peter Hackett, both who had worked in the town for the last 10 years.

When asked his occupation by the Social Welfare officer, Paddy said he was, “A Panty Stitcher. Up until yesterday I used to sew the elastic onto ladie’s cotton panties and thongs, in the recently closed branch of ‘French Frillies’, latter a knickers factory, situated in the Archerstown Industrial Estate here in Thurles.”

The diligent Social Welfare officer looked up ‘Panty Stitcher’ on his computer to find it classified as ‘Unskilled Labour’, before awarding Paddy the miserable sum of €80 per week in unemployment benefit.

Peter Hackett was next in the line, and when asked his occupation, he stated he was occupied as a ‘Diesel Fitter’. The diligent Social Welfare officer again checked his computer to confirm that a ‘Diesel Fitter’ was indeed a skilled job, and Peter was therefore awarded unemployment benefit of €160 a week.

When Paddy heard about Peter’s awarded benefit he was absolutely furious. He stormed back into the Thurles Social Welfare office the following morning, to ascertain why his friend and co-worker was collecting a double benefit.

The Social Welfare officer explained, “Panty Stitchers are regarded as unskilled labour, while Diesel Fitters are considered highly skilled labour.”

“What feckin skill?” yelled Paddy. “I sewed the damn elastic on the panties and the thongs. Peter was employed to simply eye-up prospective customers, before holding the required garment up to the shop assistants, yelling: “These’ll fit her!”

Warning Chocolate Can Cause Unwanted Pregnancy

“Sure I suppose half of what you hear is enough to believe”, said I to Mikey Ryan, here in the Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles, last Wednesday night.

Mikey had been quietly ‘clearing his chest’ to me in relation to certain domestic difficulties he was experiencing with his eldest daughter Peggy Sue and her new lazy, good-for-nothing, boyfriend Bartley Fallon. (Not my words I assure you.)

Mikey was truly enraged by the reported activities of young Bartley; “The chances of that reprobate ever taking out my daughter again are about the same as me extracting butter from a skunks hole with a red hot darning needle”, said an adamant and perhaps over protective Mikey.

As far as I could gather, it was just a matter of Mikey simply not liking the look of this young lad, and for no real, apparent reason. So it seems that when Peggy Sue stated that Bartley Fallon was taking her to see Scarlett Johansson in “Rough Night” at the IMC Thurles Shopping Centre, Mikey kind of, well, ‘lost the cool’.

“You stay away from that weir-do and all belonging to him, or you will end up with a name for yourself, my girl”, had warned Mikey.
“Dad, you are so wrong, Bartley is so nice; he’s kind and considerate, generous and always treats me like a real lady”, retorted an even more adamant Peggy Sue.

Using the strongest vocal tones that he could muster and waving his thumb and index finger, latter holding a promised five pound note, Mikey demanded “You be back here in this house at 7.30 p.m. and not a minute later.”

From what I could gather, the Movie didn’t end until 3.00 a.m.; well that was the precise time being chimed out on the Thurles Cathedral clock, as Peggy Sue attempted a silent entry to her home. Mikey was in waiting; lightly dozing on the sofa in the parlour when he heard the sharp click from the Yale lock, as she entered.

“Where were you until now”, demanded Mikey, “Surely the film wasn’t on till this hour of the morning”.

“As you already know, I was with my boy friend Bartley”, said Peggy Sue in her best defensive tone, “and you are so wrong about him, Dad; Bartley is a kind and considerate boy, generous to a fault; sure he even bought me a large bag of chocolate ‘Maltesers’ to chew during the film. We sat in the duel seats on the back row, and Bartley put his arm around me. When the lights went down, he kissed me and began to feel my leg just above my knee and I began to laugh”. Peggy Sue closed her eyes as if trying to relive the memory.

“Then I felt his hand move to under my blouse and I laughed again. He then began to feel around under my bra, and I laughed again, much to the annoyance of the cinema usher, who shone his powerful torch directly on us”, continued Peggy Sue.

“What the feck was there to laugh about”, demanded Mikey, his anger rising.
“Couldn’t help it”, said Peggy Sue, “Sure poor Bartley didn’t realise that my Maltesers were safely tucked away in me handbag”.

Kids these days, no respect whatsoever.

I Do Declare, It’s Vandalism Most Foul

Thurles.Info’s American correspondent sends us exclusive pictures this morning, fresh from Hollywood in the central region of Los Angeles, in California.

Immigrant, American President Mr Donald Trump, whose ancestry hails (on his father’s side) from the German village of Kallstadt, Palatinate; one of Germany’s 16 federal states, and (on his mother’s side) from the Outer Hebrides of Scotland; will discover today that his five pointed star on the ‘Hollywood Walk of Fame’, has been vandalised.

“This is the kind of disrespect shown when truly great men take it upon themselves to make the United States of America, great once again”, stated a leading member of the ever popular Ku Klux Klan.

The Hollywood Walk of Fame comprises more than 2,600 such five-pointed terrazzo and brass stars, embedded in the pavements along a 2.1 km (1.3 miles) stretch of Hollywood Boulevard, Los Angeles, California. These pointed stars are permanent public monuments to the achievements of the wealthy involved in the entertainment industry, and each bears the name and emblem which identifies these individuals, both living and dead, as being actors, directors, musicians, producers, theatrical personnel, fictional characters etc.

Tipperary – The Place, The Time
This ‘Walk of Fame’ is administered by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce and its presence attracts a reported 10.5 million visitors annually.

Back here in Thurles, due to the total absence of visiting tourists this year, perhaps our Tipperary politicians, County Councillors and our own Chamber of Commerce might consider a similar project, relating to the soon to be upgraded Liberty Square area of the town; e.g. they could have inserted in our pavements the names of notable people like Queen Elizabeth II, (English Monarch); Suzanna Mary Moynan, (Wife of renowned Irish Artist Richard Thomas Moynan); William Bradshaw and John Cunningham, (Victoria Cross recipients); Kerry Condon, (Actress); Des Hanafin, (Politician); Mary Hanafin, (Politician); Una Healy, (Singer); Patrick Leahy, (Roman Catholic Bishop); Peter O’Meara, (Actor and Singer); Paddy Ryan, (World Heavyweight Champion boxer); Tony Ryan, (Founder of Ryanair); Pat Shortt, (Actor and Comedian), General Richard James Mulcahy (Chief of Staff Irish Volunteers) and Mary Turner CBE, (President of the G.M.B Allied Trade Union, 1997-2017); the list is longer. Perhaps I should include this idea when I forward my submission on the Tipperary County Development Plan.

Here also, like as in Hollywood, we in Thurles can help “maintain the glory of a community whose name means glamour and excitement in the four corners of the world.” Indeed no one in Thurles would deface such structures with graffiti, if same were introduced, 😉 , what with our new sensitive CCTV system now fully operational, or is it?

So What Uncouth Barbarian (In Irish – Little Gurrier) Trashed Trump’s Five Pointed Star?
We understand that only two people are being accused behind the scenes, as being suspect to this ‘vandalism most foul’. Yes you have guessed it, (No 1) that well known non American trouble maker, the former US President Barack Hussein Obama, who to our embarrassment, hails from Moneygall on the Tipperary / Offaly border, (To think we actually gave that ‘bousy’ shamrock on eight different occasions), and (No 2) that other thorn-in-the-side, namely the Chairman of the Workers’ Party of North Korea, Mr Kim Jong-un.

Think of the sanctions that could be imposed against Ireland, should it turn out to be Obama. Despite all our bowing, scraping and harp playing offered to Trump, way back in 2013, sure the Trump International Golf Links at Doonbeg in Co. Clare, gifted to Trump in that year, by a desperate Irish government; same could now cease to exist, with the loss of numerous jobs. Imagine those 100 wealthy Russian businessmen being no longer able to visit the Golf Links at Doonbeg on next St Patrick’s Day. (Ops! maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned the Russians; Robert Mueller’s grand jury could come with a warrant, seeking my extradition).

Hurricane Gert Halts Work In Thurles

“You know, nobody really understands complete failure, unless of course it happens to yourself personally”, said a rather reflective sounding Mikey Ryan to his fellow Thurles friend Gerry Grant. Both men were to be found supping pints in the doorway of the Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles; their work having been brought to a complete halt by torrential rain, which had arrived courtesy of Hurricane Gert; latter pushing eastward from the Atlantic Ocean.

“How do you mean”, said Gerry.

“Don’t look, but do you see Patsy McGann sheltering in the doorway of Supermac’s across the street” said Mikey. “Better known as ‘Silent’ nowadays, due to the fact that he refuses, point blank, to enter into even one single word of dialogue with his fellow man. Sure, he won’t even bid you the time of day” continued Mikey.

“Aye, sad, sure I wonder what happened there”, queried Gerry.

“Ah begod it’s no secret”, said Mikey, “Sure, he used to be a teacher; spent his early teaching years in the Bolivian jungle or some such hole; supposedly teaching backward red tribal natives the English language, and also how to behave in a civilised fashion, in accordance with our practised modern Irish standards. They say he hasn’t spoken one word since he returned here to Thurles.”

Mikey took a mouthful of his beer before continuing, “They say it all started when Patsy took a native Amazon tribal Chief; Waziri, I believe his name was; for a walk in the dense jungle, to teach him the English vocabulary. Patsy was there pointing to a tree and saying to the chief, “Tree” and the chief is looking at the tree, grunting, pointing, before saying “Tree”. Pleased with the overall response by the Amazon tribal chief, they now walk a little further and Patsy supposedly points to a rock, saying “Rock”. Again, the chief looks, grunts and points, saying “Rock”.

“As you can imagine”, said Mikey, “Patsy is feeling enthusiastic about the progress in his English lesson. Then, without warning, his vocabulary class is suddenly disturbed by a noisy rustling in the nearby Monkey Brush Vines (Combretum rotundifolium). Fearing an attack by a colony of Pit Viper Rattlesnakes, they peek over the top of the bushes, to encounter a tribal male and female in, shall we just say, a rather embarrassing and somewhat compromising posture”.

“Patsy now” said Mikey, taking time to swallow another mouthful of beer, “gets rather flustered, but quickly responds, whispering, “See Man riding bicycle”. Chief Waziri looks at the couple briefly, before pulling out his hollowed, bamboo blowpipe; killing the couple, with two well aimed poisoned darts”.

“Teacher Patsy goes totally ballistic”, continued Mikey, “Yelling at the tribal chief about how he has spent years teaching his tribe to be civilised and how to be Christian in their dealings, one with an another; but now after all this newly learned Irish civilisation he is behaving like a loyal member of the Dublin Hutch and Kinahan criminal gang, returning to his old ways, having murdered two of his subjects in cold blood.

The chief again looks, grunts and points, in obvious anger, “Man riding my bicycle”.

“Ah sheer tragedy all right” agreed Gerry, “but sure I suppose as the song lyrics go, it’s like, Trying to learn from what’s behind you, and never knowing what’s in store, makes each day a constant battle just to stay between the shores.“

“Have we the price of another pint before we go?”, queries Mikey.

Life & Loves Of Thurles Native Majella Brown

Mrs Majella Brown, a 70-year-old Thurles woman, having received her free medical card, went to visit her local doctor. Previously she could not have easily afforded the contemptible €65 demanded for the usual 5 minute consultation with her physician, but now thanks to her free medical card, she arrived to the surgery to seek advice on how to revive her husband’s libido.

Having considered her husband’s age and state of health from previous available medical records; the doctor prescribed a well-known product, latter readily obtainable to all medical card holders and known as ‘Viagra’.

“It simply won’t happen, not even a chance”, a dejected Majella informed her friend Betty, in somewhat low tones half an hour later, over a large G & T, in the corner of the Monks Public House, Mitchel Street, Thurles, “Sure it’s me best to get him to take his Type 2 Diabetic tablet in the morning”.

Betty gave Majella one of her renowned knowing smiles, “Not a problem”, said she “Try giving him a Tipperary Viagra”.

“What the hell is a Tipperary Viagra?”, Majella queried.

“It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning tae”, said Betty, with a knowing nod “Believe me I have had the need to used the method meself on a few occasions, on my own ould lad, before he died; God be good to him. Sure, trust me, Majella even without his forbidden use of sugar, he won’t even taste it”.

Having promised to give it an immediate try, Betty called on Majella some days later, for a progress report.

“Well, how did it go?” she asked with a knowing smile.

“Oh faith, it was terrible”, whined Majella, in vocal tones more akin to a hired ‘keener’ (wailer) at a west of Ireland wake, “It was simply unspeakable I tell ya; for the past two days I’ve been totally beside meself!”

“Oh, no! What in the world happened?” queried Betty with a look of tragedy about to set in.

“Well, I did the deed, you know what I mean, just as you advised; but to be sure of outright success on the day, I actually put three tablets in his morning tae, and sure he drank the lot”, said Majella. “Well they literally took effect immediately; he jumped straight up out of his chair, with the smile of an evil Satan on his face; a twinkle in his eye, and with one fierce swoop, with the back of his hand, he resigned the cups, saucers and cutlery; previously laid out on the table; to a flight across the room. He grabbed me from behind, ripped me clothing to tatters, before committing an act of passion there and then, right on top of the highly polished table. ‘Twas truly the stuff of nightmares, I can tell ya Betty; yes and the stuff of a frenzied nightmare at that.”

“What was so terrible about that?” asked Betty, “Wasn’t the experience good?”

“Feckin hell, I do declare it to be the best experience I’ve had since my late-night drunken encounter in the back seat of Paddy Ryan’s Ford Anglia; way back in the late 1950’s”, said Majella, “but there is one major regrettable drawback which has kept me confined here to the house; sure I won’t be able to show me face in ‘Ryan’s Daughter’ Restaurant, in Rossa Street, Thurles, for many a year to come.”