Humour « Thurles Information

Cannibals Enter The Workplace

Cannibals

A group of Cannibals were recently hired by a large Banking Corporation, as part of the Irish Government’s new National Internship Scheme, JobBridge.

“You are all part of our team now,” said the Human Relations representative, during a welcoming briefing.

“You will all get the same benefits as the rest of our full time employees, for example €5 a mile for motoring expenses, one hour on Friday to check if your bank account received your wages and productivity bonuses, and you can go to the Staff Cafeteria for something to eat, but please, please don’t eat any of our present employees.”

The Cannibals swore a solemn vow to behave and control their natural instincts.

Four weeks later their boss called a meeting and remarked, “Men you’re all working very hard and I’m very satisfied with your performance, however, it has come to my attention that one of our Secretaries seems to have disappeared yesterday. Would, by any chance, any of you know what might have happened to her?”

The Cannibals all shook their heads in unison, indicating they had no knowledge of the Secretaries whereabouts.

After their boss had left, the leader of the Cannibals turned to the others, “OK, which one of you idiots ate the secretary?”

A hand was raised, hesitantly, by one Cannibal. Their leader became even more angry and yelled, “You fool! For four weeks now we’ve been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, then you had to go and draw attention to our activities.”

Royal Mock Wedding In Aid Of Suir Haven

The late Mattie Ryan would have been very proud indeed. But no doubt he was watching down with a smile as the Gucci Handbags got dusted down, hairs got super glued, false nails were coloured and highlighted (Or was it the other way around, Can’t remember), and new frocks got their first official outing. Tail feathers were plucked from every exotic bird found holidaying in the Thurles area, only to be used later to decorate many of the unusually shaped hats, displayed in abundance.

The ‘glam’ preparations, which I describe, of course were for yesterday’s right Royal Mock Wedding event, held in aid of a most worthy cause, the Thurles Cancer Support Group, Suir Haven, latter a charity once very close to Mattie Ryan’s heart.

The bride for this right ‘Royal Bash,’ was the very lovely Princess Sharon Kerrigan, the groom, the equally handsome Prince Brendan O’Donnell.

Escorted down the aisle by Deputy Michael Lowry TD, the bride looked breathtaking in a brushed silk white bridal evening gown, with delicately laced bodice.

The couple both publicly declared their love for each other in front of a large gathering of family and close friends in that ‘Basilica of Rock Music,’ locally known as HQ Nightclub here in Thurles, presided over by Tipp FM ‘s Breakfast Bowl impersario and the radio stations resident parish priest Rev.Fr. Aidan Mac MC.

A video recording of the ceremony was undertaken by top videographer, Mr Garry Butler and the newly married couple later joined their guests for a large amount of light refreshments, in a pub crawl which included Michael Bowes Pub Friar Street, The Arch Bar, Millay’s Tavern and of course the home of the GAA, Hayes Hotel all located in Liberty Square, just to name a few.

The happy couple were tight lipped on information regarding their honeymoon destination, but to Sharon and Brendan go the good wishes of all their families members and many friends here in Thurles, for a happy, healthy and prosperous life together. (Personally, I just can’t see the marriage lasting.)

Nevertheless a most enjoyable event in aid of a worthy cause, and to all involved well done.

Laughter The Best Medicine

Death Notice
John Joe opened the Tipperary Star newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. So he quickly phoned his best friend Dick to allay any rumours.
“Did you see the paper?” asked John Joe. “They are saying I died!!”
“Yes, I saw that!” replied Dick. “Where are you callin’ from?”

Laughter

Mysterious Death
His wife had died under mysterious circumstances and the police were interviewing Murphy.
“Did your wife say anything before she died?” asked the Police Man.
“She spoke without interruption, non stop, for about forty years,” said Murphy.

Medicine
The young Thurles Doctor was puzzled, “I’m very sorry but I can’t seem to diagnose your trouble, Paddy. I think it must be drink. ”
“Sure don’t worry about it Doctor, I’ll come back later when you’re sober.” replied Paddy.

Scientific Exploration
Germany conducted scientific exploration involving their very best scientists. Core drilling samples of soil were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on the samples, Angela Merkel announced that the ancient German people some 25,000 years ago, had a nationwide underground telephone network.
The British government decided to do tests of their own. So they ordered their own scientists to take core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and David Cameron later announced that the ancient Brits, 35,000 years ago, already had an underground nationwide optic fibre telephone network.
Ireland not wishing to be outdone immediately ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m, but found absolutely nothing. The Taoiseach, Enda Kenny later confirmed that the ancient Irish people over 55,000 years ago, were a more advanced civilisation than the rest of Europe, and had developed the worlds first ever wireless telephone network system.

Lar Outside – New Song From Johnny B and the Boogie Men

Johnny B and the Boogie Men have just released a fantastic new song and video called Lar Outside! This song follows on from their very successful hit last year called Premier Rap which everybody loved, including our sporting rivals. The new song is once again all about our great Tipperary hurling team and Lar Corbett in particular. The video has only just been put up on YouTube but already it has had over 40,000 views. You can check out the video below, it rocks!

To view more info about Mickey ‘The Rattler’ Byrne, a Tipperary hurling legend mentioned in the video, you can check out a recent post we did on his new book called ‘The Rattler’.

Well done to Johnny B and The Boogie Men, this song is going to be huge. You can expect to hear ‘Lar Outside’ on local radio stations like TippFM and even national radio. Here’s to Tipperary winning this years All Ireland Hurling Championship.

C’mon Tipp!!
🙂

Queen Elizabeth’s Relative To Be Dumped By DCC

Fr Theobald Mathew (1790-1856)

When Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is being whisked down O’Connell Street, Dublin, this week, she should keep an eye out for one of her relations from Co.Tipperary, who has been standing there, waiting for her visit since 1893, and is now unlikely to be there if she ever visits again.

Her Majesty, according to today’s Independent newspaper will be attending The British Embassy’s ‘little bash’ in the €380m National Conference Centre on Dublin’s Spencer Dock. She will be meeting leading Irish peace campaigners, like Amanda Brunker, former presenter of “The Podge and Rodge Show,” and chef Rachel Allen, who appears to be getting the day off from O’Briens Sandwich Bars, where she autographs the plastic wrappers on sandwiches for customers.

But enough about that, lets discuss Her Majesty’s Tipperary relation waiting patiently in Sackville Place, Fr. Theobald Mathew, (1790 -1856) Capuchin Friar and Apostle of Temperance, whose life sized limestone monument is shortly to be dumped, according to the same newspaper, from Dublin’s O’Connell Street, to make way for the latest plans by Dublin’s Luas Light Rail System, to flutter away more of taxpayers money in the Pale.

The statue of Fr. Theobald was erected there in 1893, three years after it’s foundation stone was laid on 18th October 1890, latter the centenary of Fr. Mathew’s birthday and 36 years after John Henry Foley’s sculpture in Cork was unveiled.

The statue of the friar in O’Connell Street, Dublin, his back turned on the adulterous Charles Stewart Parnell, (The separated Mrs Katharine O’Shea Affair) is wearing the costume of a late nineteenth-century priest, attired in a ‘Surtout ‘ or man’s frock coat, belted with a rope and hung with rosary beads, his arms raised in a blessing.

Fr. Theobald’s anti-drink campaign is considered to have been a great social revolution, that saw the establishment of Temperance Societies in just about every parish in the country. At its very peak, his campaign, between 1838-1845, it was estimated that there were almost 4 million people abstaining from drink here in Ireland. His success was aided by the fact that Fr. Mathew appealed to every class, creed and rank in Irish society. In 1843, Fr. Mathew went to England and Scotland, where he had even further success, and later spent over two years in the US, where he handed out the Pledge in over 300 towns.

Today, intoxicated Dubliners can often be seen loitering, under the Tipperary man’s statue, ignoring his past warnings regarding the evils of drink, and I regret to report that as religion continues to decline, he commands less and less respect from those that pass underneath his outstretched arms.

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