Humour « Thurles Information

Engineers Sow Crop Of Potatoes On Liberty Square.

Thurles Mid-Week Humour

“Well if it isn’t yourself”, said I to Mikey Ryan, “Sure I haven’t seen you since before Christmas”.

I met Mikey yesterday evening admiring the new upgrade being undertaken in the centre of Liberty Square, Thurles.

“Well where have you been hiding yourself. How did you get over the Xmas?”, said I.

“Oh, we got over the Xmas OK” said Mikey, “since our extended family, as you know is big, and because of the Covid-19 restrictions allowing only 6 people into a house for the Xmas dinner, instead we held a funeral for the turkey which legally permitted 25 mourners to be in attendance.”

“Right”, said I somewhat confused, “but where have you been hiding out since Xmas?”.

“I have been over in University Hospital Limerick for the past 3 months,” said Mikey. “Sure I was in a coma for 6 whole weeks”.

“Really”, said I, trying to sound surprised. Well, to be honest I had heard the rumours from one of the neighbours, but no one knew the full story, even though the Guards had visited the house uninvited on a couple of occasions.

“Between ourselves” said Mikey “I was sanitising my hands and happened to say to the kids that I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the potatoes and carrots. No sooner spoken than I felt a sharp pain to the left side of my head and that’s all I remember till I woke up 6 weeks later. The consultant said my injuries were akin to blunt force trauma to the head, possibly caused by having come into contact with a heavy cast iron frying pan. Herself indoors is as puzzled as I am, as to how it happened”.

“Jasus Mikey, talking of potato peelers” said I startled, “I’m thinking this new Liberty Square upgrade won’t be finished until 2025. It looks like they have planted a few drills of potatoes in the Square, sure they won’t be harvested until next September at the earliest.”

“That reminds me”, said Mikey “My father used to say to me “Son, back in my day, I could walk in any store with just a halfpenny in my pocket and come home with a bag of potato chips, two ‘Peggy’s Leg” toffee bars and a two bags of Liquorice Allsorts. Well I suppose times have changed; you couldn’t do that now with all those bloody CCTV cameras stuck everywhere”.

“Do you remember”, continued Mikey smiling “when I was a coal delivery man”.

“I do indeed; that was before you became self-employed” said I.

“Spot on,” said Mikey; a grin on his face, “well it was my last day on the job after dragging, for over 15 years, hundredweight after hundredweight bags of coal on my back in hail rain and snow, around the town of Thurles. When I arrived at one house on the Kickham Street route that day, I was greeted by the woman in one house who congratulated me on my retirement and sent me on my way with a stone of red Rooster potatoes as a gift.
At a second house in Mitchel Street, the family presented me with a packet of 20 Carroll’s, filter tipped, cigarettes”.

“But”, continued Mikey, “it was the gift from a third house situated in the area of Friar Street, that I will never forget.

It was at that house; I was greeted at the door by a beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. Ignoring the black coal dust, she took me by the hand, and led me up the stairs to her bedroom, where without going into the intimate details, she blew my mind with the most passionate lovemaking that I have ever experienced, either since or before.

She then took me downstairs to the kitchen, where she had fixed, in advance, a giant fry-up; eggs, sauté potatoes, rashers, sausages, black pudding; all kept warm at Mark 2 in her gas cooker. This she then served with a tall glass of cold, freshly squeezed orange juice.
When I had eaten my fill, she poured me a cup of steaming hot tea with two sugars. It was as she was pouring the tea that I noticed the green, one pound note sticking out from under the saucer. What’s this pound here for? says I”.
‟Well,” said she, ‟Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day on the job, and that we should do something special for you; to mark the occasion. I asked him what he thought I should give you. He said, “Screw him. Give him a pound”.
But pet, it is important that you remember that the full breakfast was solely my idea.”

Thurles.Info’s Mid-Week Giggle

Thurles.info is delighted that so many of you enjoyed last week’s midweek giggle, so here’s another video that is sure to have you in stitches. Today’s midweek laugh features comedian, radio presenter and TV personality Alan Carr, as he reads a letter that was once sent to an insurance company.

What follows video hereunder is an excruciatingly funny letter that details a series of very unfortunate events involving a Toilet Roll Holder, the Emergency Services and a delicate part of the male anatomy.

As you can gather, in the video, the person who wrote the reply letter, had been asked to do so by his insurance company, because his response to the question “Reason for hospital visit” had been “Stupidity”; thus not seen by the latter as an adequate explaination of matters, necessitating a pay out from the insurance company.

Thurles.Info’s Mid-Week Giggle.

Lockdown is starting to lift, but with today’s miserable weather Thurles.info thought our readers would benefit from a midweek ‘lift’ also.
Here’s one especially for all you dog and cat lovers out there.

In the video featured hereunder, watch the incomparable Benedict Cumberbatch, Olivia Coleman, Julian Clareyand others read this hilarious set of letters aloud. They are sure to give you all a well earned midweek laugh.

Explanation:
In 2014, author, journalist and literary critic, Nicholas Lezard, wrote an article for the Guardian Newspaper (Click HERE to review).
In it, Mr Lezard made his views on dogs quite clear. They were, as far as he was concerned, inferior to cats. Readers and dog lovers everywhere took umbrage at this assertion and what followed was a series of witty retorts in the form of letters to the editor.

Top Comedian Pat Shortt New JLo Of Tipperary.

Thurles born Pat Shortt has hysterically joked that his latest on screen character will catapult him to become “the new JLo of Tipperary”. In his most recent role, audiences will get to see a whole new side to Pat. Indeed, they’ll get to see all of him, because Pat goes naked to play the part of Padraig in a brand new hilarious comedy series entitled “Frank of Ireland”.

Premiering, as it did on April 15th last, the series follows the trials and tribulations of an anti-social fantasist and self-proclaimed musician called Frank Marron, who still lives at home with his mother.

Set in a leafy Dublin suburb, the series boasts an all-star cast and crew. The show stars and is written and directed by Brian and Domhnall Gleeson, with Sharon Horgan as one of its executive producers. Other cast members include Tom Vaughan-Lawlor (Love/Hate) and Brian and Domhall Gleeson’s father, Brendan.

Pat Shortt’s character on the show, Padraig, is the father of Frank Marron’s (Brian Gleeson) ex girlfriend Áine, played by Sarah Greene. Like any project involving Pat, his character Padraig and the Frank of Ireland show will have you in stitches.

To catch a glimpse of Pat Shortt in his birthday suit, tune into this hilarious new comedy show, which airs on Channel 4 on Thursday nights, at 10:00pm or stream all the episodes on the free to view All 4 app and streaming service, (Click HERE).

If you still can’t get enough of the Thurles born comedian Pat, he is involved in a number of other projects at present including two upcoming films and the number 1 podcast “The Wellness Hour with Paaaah!“, a collaborative project with his daughter Faye.
If you haven’t experienced ‘The Wellness Hour with Paaaah!’, Click HERE and prepare yourself for hours of laughter. The Wellness Hour with Paaaah is seldom more than thirty minutes and as Paaaah says, “Sure haven’t you the rest of the hour to yourself”.

Roll Out The AstraZeneca

No well-known current day personalities get spared in this humours song, which comes courtesy of funny man Eamonn Macdonncha and his children, Ciarán aged 10 and Cóilín aged 7, all who shared in the performance of “Roll out the AstraZeneca” posted on YouTube.

Sit back and have a good laugh, sure there is nothing else you can be doing this Tuesday morning, as you pretend to work from home.

“Roll out the AstraZeneca”

Oh, lockdown nearly broke us
It’s brought us to our knees,
Thank god for Arthur Guinness
And for the PUPs.

Oh when will the public houses
Ever open the door?
At the rate of vaccination,
It’ll be 2024.

Well Varadkar got the vaccine
Just earlier in the week.
He had it only in his arm
And the thing began to leak!

Well they gave it to Arlene Foster
And it drove her half insane,
She claims she’s got some Fenian blood
And she wants to join Sinn Féin

There’s no one in the restaurants
And there’s no one in the pubs,
And there’s not a team in Ireland
That can stop the bloody Dubs.
When the Green’s get vaccinated
Eamonn Ryan’s boots will quake,
The biggest job they’ll have is
Trying to keep the whore awake.

When they jabbed the Queen of England
It created quite a spark,
They gave none to Meghan Markl
Saying her skin was way too dark.