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As our readers are aware, due to the recent severe weather and resulting cold spell, many houses found themselves without one of our basic human rights, namely ‘water’, for several weeks in December and January last.
As our readers will be aware a fresh, clean, readily available water network, has become a major issue, leading up to the forthcoming 2011 General Election.
 Water Pipes With the advent of new water charges, soon to be introduced into Ireland by the IMF, who presently own and run Ireland, the out going Fianna Fáil government have issued a series of 12 new guidelines to all County Councils, including Tipperary North and South, regarding the future purchasing specifications of all new water pipes. It is hoped to introduce a new piping system shortly, which will replace the present leaky system recently introduced into Ireland and officially unveiled by Her Majesty Queen Victoria, in 1831.
Department of Environment Purchasing Specifications 2011
1. All pipe purchased must be manufactured using a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic and centered around that aforementioned hole.
2. All pipes are to be hollow throughout the entire length. Do not use holes of a larger circumference than the pipe’s actual surrounding material.
3. The inside diameter of all pipe must not exceed the outside diameter, as otherwise part of the hole will be on the exterior, thus leading to further leakage.
4. All pipes must be supplied with nothing in the hole, this will then more easily allow water, lime and other unidentified contaminates to flow through the pipe to its intended target, at a later date.
5. All pipe for storage purposes should be supplied free of rust, as rust can be more readily applied on the job site at a future date.
(N.B. Due to the recession in the building trade, most vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes for immediate essential use. If this product is available in your area, it will save valuable time and cut unnecessary extra costs to the taxpayer, thus creating further job opportunities in the public sector.)
6. All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length, in the interest of health and Safety, should have the words ‘long pipe’ clearly painted on each end, so that Council Contractors will be aware that it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must have the words “long pipe” painted in the middle, so that Council Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6″ (152mm) in diameter must have the words “large pipe” painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts totally separate and easily identifiable from the big hole in the pipe’s centre.
10. When ordering 90 degree, 45 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify right hand or left hand, otherwise contractors may end up travelling in the wrong direction.
11. Be sure to specify, to your chosen supplier, whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use a downhill pipe for going uphill, the water can flow in the wrong direction.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread specified, but do not mix the threads – otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it will unscrew from the other end.
Department of Environment, Heritage and Local Government – Statement of Strategy 2011-2013.
A middle aged Tipperary lady decided to give herself a treat for her birthday by staying overnight in one of Dublin’s very expensive hotels.
When she checked out next morning, the Receptionist handed her the bill for her one night stay – €250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. “It’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth £250.00 for just an overnight Bed and Breakfast. I would have got better in Tipperary for €60.00.” she insisted.
 The Receptionist told her that €250.00 was the standard B and B rate, so she insisted on an immediate audience with the Hotel’s Manager.
The Manager appeared and having been forewarned by the Receptionist announced: ” This hotel has an Olympic sized swimming pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.”
“But I didn’t use them,” insisted the Tipperary woman.
“Well, they were here, and you could have used them free of charge,” explained the Manager, who went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is world famous. “Sure we have the best entertainers from Ireland, America and Scotland presently performing here,” the Manager continued.
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” the woman insisted.
“Well, we offer them free to residents and you could have,” the Manager replied.
The Manager mentioned all the other available hotel amenity, to which the woman replied, “But I didn’t use it!”
The Manager continued to be unmoved by her protest, so she decided to pay and wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. “But madam, this cheque is only made out for just €50.00.”
“That’s correct said the Tipperary woman. I charged you €200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.
“But I didn’t sleep with you.” exclaims the Manager, very surprised by her remark.
“Well, that is too bad, I was here, and you could have.” replied the Tipperary woman.
Moral of this story “Never mess with Tipperary women.”
 Irish Taoiseach Brian Cowen The General Election date has been set by an Taoiseach Brian Cowen for Friday 11th March next.
Speaking to the Dáil early this afternoon, he reassigned the portfolios left vacant by the resignation of six ministers in recent days.
In case any of our readers blinked or were distracted by the kids for a couple of minutes, the Minster for Enterprise, Trade and Innovation Batt O’Keeffe tendered his resignation from Cabinet today, Mary Harney, Dermot Ahern, Noel Dempsey and Tony Killeen gave their letters of resignation to the Taoiseach late last night, while Micheál Martin stepped down on Tuesday night following his failed revolt.
Mr Cowen did not appoint new faces to the Cabinet, stating he had reassigned the portfolios to existing members of Cabinet, because he had not wanted any additional cost to the State to be involved.
However, Green Party leader and Minister for the Environment John Gormley said this evening his party was not informed of the impending resignations and had opposed Mr Cowen’s original plan to make new ministerial appointments to the Cabinet.
He has reassigned the Department of Health and Children to Tánaiste Mary Coughlan, the justice portfolio to Minister for Agriculture Brendan Smith, the portfolio on transport has been assigned to the Minister for Community and Family Affairs, Pat Carey, the defence portfolio to Minister for Social Protection Eamon Ó Cuív and Thurles native and Minister for Tourism Mary Hanafin will take over the Enterprise, Trade and Innovation brief.
A Good Definition Of Irish Politics
Speaking of being distracted by the kids and politics, reminds me of a good definition of Irish Politics I heard recently:
A 12 year old boy, watching the evening news with his dad, asks, “Dad what is politics?”
Dad, delighted that his son is taking an early interest in current affairs, said “Well son, let me try to explain it simply: I’m the breadwinner of this family, so let’s call me Capitalism at work. Your Mother, well she’s the administrator of our money, so we’ll call her the Government or Fianna Fail, who is charged with taking care of all your countries needs. You, my son, represent the ordinary everyday people. Our poorly paid Polish nanny, we’ll call her the working class population and your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future of Ireland. Now son, ponder that scenario and let me know tomorrow if you fully understand my symbolism,”
So the 12 year old boy goes off to bed thinking deeply about dad’s explanation.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on his well being. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the the 12 year old goes to his parent’s bedroom and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wishing to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. On finding the door locked, he peeks in through the keyhole and sees his father sleeping beside his nanny. Not wishing to disturb them he decides to undertake the nappy change himself.
Next morning at breakfast, the the 12 year old says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The 12 year old boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in very deep shit.”
Matthew 21:16: “And Jesus saith unto them, Yea; have ye never read, Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise?“
The following story illustrates the reasons for the present financial crisis. I am not aware of its origins so no credits, but here it is, as explained to me.
 Irish Governments New Simplified Tax Return For 2011 “Paddy is the proprietor of a Public House in Tipperary. He realizes that virtually all of his customers are unemployed alcoholics and they can no longer afford to patronize his bar. To help alleviate his problem, he comes up with a new marketing plan that allows his customers to “Drink Now, and Pay Later“. He keeps a full track of all the alcohol consumed in a ledger, thus granting his customers loans.
Word quickly gets around about Paddy’s “Drink Now, Pay Later” marketing strategy and customers increase in very large numbers and very soon he has the largest drink sales volume for any bar in Ireland.
By providing his customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Paddy gets no resistance, when he substantially increases his prices for wine and beer and Paddy’s gross sales volume soon increases massively.
A young and bonus motivated vice-president at Paddy’s local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Paddy’s borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into PUKEBONDS, DRINKBONDS, and ALKIBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded in the International Securities market.
Naive investors don’t really understand that the securities being sold to them, as AAA secured bonds, are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. The bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation’s leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a Risk Manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Paddy’s bar.
Paddy now demands payment from his alcoholic patronage, but since being unemployed alcoholics they now cannot make payment on their past drinking debts. Since Paddy cannot now fulfill his loan obligations he is forced to declare himself bankrupt. The Pub closes and his seven employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, PUKEBONDS, DRINKBONDS, and ALKIBONDS drop in value by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the immediate community.
Paddy’s suppliers, due to his massive business, had granted him generous payment extensions and in turn had invested their firms pension funds in these various BOND securities. They now find they are faced with having to write off his bad debt while losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. His wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations. His beer supplier is taken over by a leading competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off the 125 workers.
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion euro, no strings attached, cash infusion from their cronies in Government.
The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Paddy’s bar in their lives.
This tale should help you understand Irish economics as they exist in 2010.
The Battle of Trafalgar (21 October 1805) was a sea battle fought between the British Royal Navy and the combined fleets of the French and Spanish Navy and was the most decisive British naval victory of the Napoleonic Wars (1803–1815). Let’s now look at it from a modern day good humoured perspective.
 Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson aboard HMS Victory : “Order up the signal, Hardy.”
Captain Thomas Hardy: “Aye, aye Sir.”
Nelson: “Hold on here, that’s not what I dictated to Signals. What’s the meaning of this?”
Hardy: “Very sorry sir?”
Nelson (reading out aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability! From whence cometh this gobbledygook?”
Hardy: “ New Admiralty policy Admiral, I’m afraid, Sir. We’re an Equal Opportunities Employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting it past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
Nelson: “This is madness Captain, hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
Hardy: “Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke free working zones.”
Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace and fortify the men before going into battle.”
Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”
Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy! Well I suppose we’d better get on with it, full speed ahead.”
Hardy: “I think Admiral, you’ll find that there is a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of waterway.”
Nelson: “Damn it man! Here we are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in the world’s history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest immediately.”
Hardy: “That will not be possible, Sir. Health and Safety have closed down the crow’s nest, Sir. There is no harness and they said that rope ladders don’t meet with present EU regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”
Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay.”
Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.”
Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
Hardy: “Health and safety again, I’m afraid Sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled.”
Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of this word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the old disability card.”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sails, come the salt spray beckons.”
Hardy: “A couple of problems here too, Sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt water, haven’t you seen the TV and newspaper adverts?”
Nelson: “I’ve never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand bye at the ready.”
Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!”
Hardy: “It’s not that, Sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill someone. There’s a couple of free legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
Nelson: “If England expects that every man will do his duty, then how in gods name are we to sink the French and the Spanish ships?”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”
Nelson: “We’re not?”
Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European Union partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”
Nelson: “My men must hate the French and Spanish as they hate the devil himself.”
Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir. You’ll be up on Disciplinary Report.”
Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.”
Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life.”
Nelson: “Don’t tell me, it’s health and safety again. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum rations are cancelled and there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
Nelson: “What about sodomy?”
Hardy: “I believe that sodomy is now legal, sir.”
Nelson: “In that case you can kiss me, Hardy.”
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