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I wouldn’t have been in Monk’s public house in Mitchel Street, Thurles, at that time on a St Patrick’s Day, in the first place, were it not for the wife.
Let me explain. There I was sitting peacefully at home checking the ‘Situations Vacant ‘ column in the Tipperary Star, intent on heading for the Thurles parade, when she swooped like a bird of prey.
Moving quietly in from behind, the ungrateful wretch savagely cracked me on the back of the head with, of all things, the good large metal frying pan I had bought her as a birthday gift.
Now, yelping in excruciating pain, I politely asked,”What was that for?”
With a face on her that was reminiscent of a bulldog chewing a wasp, she replied, “That’s for the piece of paper I found with the name Roseanna written on it, just before I threw your trousers in the wash?.” Dodging her next swing I quickly explained, “You stupid woman, remember yesterday when I went to the Thurles races, ‘Roseanna’ was the favourite running in the 4.30 Machlochlainn Road Marking’s Kinloch Brea Chase.”
She halted on her downward swipe with the pan, delaying what was designed to deliver that final killer blow and from the corner of her eye, I foolishly believed I had caught a slight glimmer of possibly guilt, mixed with a tinge of remorse, for this, her sudden and unwarranted outburst.
Music Courtesy of Sharon Shannon and Mundy.
Now dissecting every word of my explanation, carefully like a female Sherlock Holmes, she slowly turned and walked off to continue her housework, leaving me with what I now recognise as being a ‘false sense of security.’
I use the word ‘false ‘ deliberately because about thirty minutes later, as I dozed in the comfort of my own favourite arm chair, digesting the corn beef and cabbage that I had eaten earlier, she struck again, this time more violently, with the same ‘birthday present.’
Jumping up half dazed, but with the presence of mind, to put the kitchen table between her and me, I yelled. “You ould bag, What’s that for this time?,” She sneeringly replied, as she swung again “Your favourite horse just rang on the phone.”
Despite severe concussion, but in the interest of instinctive self preservation, I made a quick exit via the open back door and keeping an eye on my rear flank, for fear she should make another sudden sneak attack, I fled in retreat to the sanctuary of the Monk’s pub.
I knew I would be safe there until she cooled down, as the wife has been barred from this fine licensed hostelry since I foolishly hosted her last birthday outing. It was on this annual occasion that she, to my great public embarrassment, seriously assaulted the landlord. It was some casual remark he had made, in her ear shot, during a perfectly civilised conversation on the popular topic ‘equality of the sexes.‘ It was generally agree by all the men who dragged her kicking, biting and screaming off the unfortunate bruised and bleeding landlord, that her sudden attack was totally unwarranted. What the poor man had said, during the course of his deliberation on that topic was a fair point “If God had wanted women to be equal to men, he would have given them brains.”
Now nursing a pounding head ache, I straightened the bunch of shamrock in the pen pocket of my jacket and ordered a slow pint, while surveying the almost deserted ‘snug.’
Continue reading How Was St Patricks Day 2011 In Thurles For You
Johnny Smith was an elderly, feeble man living alone in a run down house here in Thurles, Co. Tipperary. His family history was one of continued hardship and failure.
His only surviving relative, a son named Paddy, was serving a five year stretch in Portlaoise Prison. It seems that when Paddy was younger, he used to pray for a Honda Accord 2.2i-DTEC Executive 4DR car, but as the years passed, Paddy came to the realisation that God doesn’t work that way, so he stole one from Dennis Kinnanes Garage and prayed instead for forgiveness. But Police caught up with him before God could answer his nightly prayers.
At the subsequent court hearing, Paddy claimed, despite the best advice of his solicitor, that his religious conviction was the sole reason for this act of thievery. Paddy informed the Magistrate that both Jesus and his Apostles all drove Honda’s, and he wanted to follow in his masters footsteps. To support his belief, he claimed Jesus had a Honda but didn’ t like to talk about it and cited as proof a verse from St. John 12:49, where Jesus tells the crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord.” He further supported this claim regarding Honda ownership by the Apostles, with a quote from Young’s Literal Bible Translation, Acts 2:1 ” They were all with one Accord at the same place.” The Magistrate was not impressed by this biblical defence and hence the five year detention.
 Potato Sowing Paddy’s Uncle, Jimmy Smith, his fathers sole younger brother, had emigrated to America in 1963, but had died suddenly and tragically having being executed in the electric chair. His Father Johnny had managed to kept the news quiet from the local Tipperary Star Newspaper. The local paper had carried a correct, yet somewhat misleading account of Jimmy’s sudden passing.
The local paper article had read, “It is with sincere regret that we announce the recent passing of Jimmy Smith, late of Sing Sing, New York and Thurles, Co Tipperary. Prior to his death the late Mr Smith had occupied a Chair of Applied Electronics, at an important American Government Institution, a position to which he was attached by the strongest of ties. His sudden and untimely death came as a huge shock.”
There was a massive out-poring of sympathy locally, as you can imagine.
Anyway, I digress, I’m supposed to be telling you about old Johnny Smith’s predicament, but I’m inclined to ramble a bit these days.
Old Johnny Smith had a major problem this Spring, his rheumatoid arthritis was playing up hell, inflamming his joints and the surrounding tissue. He had dosed himself with all the recommended known cures, like stinging himself with nettles, cranberry juice, Epsom salts, cod liver oil and eating porridge daily, but to no avail.
He wanted to get his annual potato crop sown, as one does, best before the 17th of March every year or before the next full moon. Unable now to use the spade himself, because of his affliction, he didn’t know anyone who was prepared to spade up his potato garden for him.
At a loss and as a last resort, Johnny wrote to his incarcerated son Paddy about this problem and received the following reply, “For HEAVENS SAKE, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the GUNS from my last failed robbery.”
Last Friday morning, 6.00am, old Johnny was awakened by the sound of a dozen or more Gardaí, both male and female, complete with yellow reflective jackets, spades and an assortment of other gardening equipment, busy digging up his entire garden plot. No guns were found and although old Johnny was interviewed, he could not tell the inquisitive gardaí anything.
Now further confused, Johnny wrote to his son Paddy, telling him what had happened and asking in the letter what he should do next.
His son’s reply was brief and to the point: “Just plant those bloody potatoes. Expect to be home in three months.”
Ah, sure it’s all in a day’s work here in Thurles and as my granny used to say “People usually get what’s coming to them… unless of course it was sent in the mail.”
Sure if it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television, here in Thurles, by candlelight.
OK, I am extremely sorry and I humbly apologise, but you must understand, when you get to my age you are not as bright and forward thinking as you once were and I suppose this is only to be expected.
But you all have to agree, my brothers and sisters, that placing a two lane pedestrian crossing across Liberty Square in Thurles, at the exit from a public car park, normally gives the casual observer, like myself, the impression that both our County Council and Urban District Council representatives are abusing the hip flask or snorting the white powder through a rolled up twenty. (I have to be careful with what I say here, in case children accidentally find this blog, while in search of World of Warcraft.)
 Bank of Ireland, Thurles. We Charge More. To be fair, how was I to know that “Thurles Bank of Ireland” were going to unexpectedly increase their fee charges. It only hit me yesterday the true reason for the positioning of this pedestrian crossing. It was specially designed as a safety measure to assist small account holders, in their Lemming style rush, to move their deposit accounts from the Bank of Ireland to the Ulster Bank opposite, during busy daily traffic jams.
I am not sure which of our beloved Councils was responsible for this futuristic planning, as it gets harder to understand, daily, who runs what and what is responsible for who. However, following in the footprints of our past Fianna Fail leader Brian Cowen, I believe I must now make a national apology to these forward thinkers and future planners, who have turned Liberty Square into such a death trap.
But what’s done is done and in the words of the well known song ‘My Way‘ – “Regrets I’ve had a few, but then again, to few to mention.”
Instead, let us concentrate on Bank of Ireland and their new fee structure and ask yourself are these charges fair in the present economic climate, when the Irish workforce have already come to the rescue of such institutions?
Certainly, charities have hit out at this bank for changing their fee structure on basic current accounts, which means more customers will pay charges. Following these announced changes, this countries largest, voluntary, charitable organisation the Society of St Vincent de Paul says it is going to take the issue up with the banks early in the New Year.
From 21st February last, in a three-month period, Bank of Ireland customers will have to see traffic of €3,000 pass through their account, and conduct nine transactions online or by telephone banking. These changes stand to affect mostly people on social welfare and low incomes who would not have €3,000 going through their accounts in any three months. The financial markets crisis has made it harder for banks to raise money in traditional ways – by taking in deposits and raising money through inter-bank loans. Note, these new charges are not introduced to target the friendly builders and developers they once took to their beds. This is about penalising the average customer and clearly, BOI don’t care if small customers close their accounts and move elsewhere, which is what will happen. Hence it is very obvious that the BOI don’t see themselves, in the future, as a bank of the common people, well I suppose possibly they never did.
Unfortunately we, the true workers and only real backbone of this country, have been forced to give our weekly earnings to keep these institutions in fat salaries and bonuses, to which they now have grown extremely accustomed.
Bank of Ireland’s new charges for current account holders have also been criticised by the Free Legal Advice Centre. Most of the bank’s 1.2 million current account holders will be subject to these new fees. Account holders who do not meet the new criteria will now be charged 28c for each transaction they make. The Free Legal Advice centre states that it “unfair and ill-considered.” This centre also state that people on low incomes will not be able to avoid these charges.
Bank of Ireland have argued that providing customers with current account facilities costs it money and these new charges will not affect the 26% of Bank of Ireland customers who hold “Golden Years” or student accounts.
However you look at it, the nature of the implemented charges by BOI mean that those who have large transactions will suffer the least and conversely, those who cannot make large payments will just suffer.
It is time, I believe, to use that pedestrian crossing in Liberty Square, with the Ulster bank positioned conveniently right opposite. They do a nice little 4% daily rate on savings and Maria, Sonya, Camillus, James or Brede are usually more than happy to assist their daily customers.
The days of servile acceptance, while bowing to greedy institutions, have long passed here on the island of fairies and leprechauns.
Residents of nursing homes and some hospitals and hospices in the 43 constituencies have been casting their votes in advance of Friday’s General Election, since last Wednesday. Voting in a number of these institutions also took place on Saturday and will continue this week until today.
The final figures for older voters and hospital residents who have cast their votes will not be known until after the close of polling on election day, Friday, February 25th. Returning officers in each constituency have made make special arrangements to facilitate early voting in consultation with residential homes and hospitals. This is a practice that has been in place for many years and an estimated 8,000 nursing home and hospital residents are registered as special voters in the 43 constituencies.
Here in South Tipperary, 84 people voted on Wednesday and Thursday, while in North Tipperary 445 special voters were eligible to cast their vote which will conclude today.
Meanwhile Back At The Ranch In Tipperary North
Kate Bopp:
Independent Kate Bopp is screaming that allowance of over €40,000 a year for the life of the Dail is unacceptable, given that T.D’s are already paid €92,000 a year plus expenses and points out that Bord Snip Nua recommended the scrapping of the leaders allowance.
She states that all of the major parties are campaigning on cut backs to be made left right and centre, while at the same time not pushing for any substantial cuts in their own wages, expenses and allowances. If elected in North Tipperary Kate Bopp says she will refuse the Leaders Allowance and is calling on all other Independents to do the same. This patriotic financial gift to our nation (or final act of desperation for a vote) will no doubt drive the IMF from our shores and contribute greatly to our economic well being.
Who is Kate Bopp anyway, does anyone know her?
 Alan Kelly Alan Kelly
Labour’s Alan Kelly is being bullied and abused and claims there has been a sustained campaign against him from other rival candidates. Mr Kelly says there has been a litany of attacks through, of all places, the media, while over 300 of his election posters have gone missing. However, thankfully this leaves 49,700 posters still plastered on anything that stood still for five minutes around the constituency. Mr Kelly says the motivation behind the attacks is that if elected, he will have influence in the next Government for the North Tipperary region. Rival candidates don’t want change and so are trying to undermine his Labour Party campaign.
Trust me this is not true Mr Kelly, be positive, these posters were taken by your host of loyal fans who are going to be looking for autographs shortly, so stay out of the European Parliament for at least another month and have your pencil ready and sharpened.
Michael Lowry
A number of parents in North Tipperary have expressed their anger at a move to obtain votes by our Independent T.D Michael Lowry. No later than Friday last, school principal Mr Matthew Carr permitted letters in Oireachtas envelopes received from Deputy Lowry to be handed out to pupils, not eligible to vote at Borrisokane’s Community College.
The letter states that Michael Lowry made sure a new school for Borrisokane would become a reality, as part of his deal with the Coalition Government. Our Michael’s letter concludes by asking for a first preference vote in Friday’s election.
Believe it or believe it not, some ungrateful wretches of parents of pupils at the Community College have objected to what they see as their children being used as political pawns and fail to understand the crucial role Michael played ensuring that a new school would be built for their spoiled brats. True for Sir Charles Edward Trevelyan, “It is my opinion that too much has been done for this people.”
By the way does anyone know what other major benefits Michael obtained for North Tipperary, in that special secret deal which allowed him to support Fianna Fail, as it set about promoting bankers, developers and the ultra greedy in our society, latter who destroyed this country. Maybe Maire Hoctor knows, but she is remaining very quite in her election campaigning.
Still, not to worry boys and girls there could be spot in Seanad Éireann if “push comes to shove”, if you understand my meaning.
So looking forward to this Friday and do please stop bullying the shy, retiring Alan Kelly, there are laws against that kind of behaviour.
 Johnny Ryan suffered a serious heart attack and was forced to undergo emergency open heart surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the dedicated love and care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his hospital treatment.
She asked Johnny “Do you have health insurance Mr Ryan?”
He replied in a raspy whisper “I am sorry Sister, I don’t be having any of that health insurance.”
The nun asked “Do you have money in the bank Mr Ryan?”
Mr Ryan replied “Sure it’s to me shame, but I’ve no money in the bank either, Sister.”
The nun then asked “Do you have a relative who could help you financially?”
Ryan replied “I have only got a spinster sister, and she is a nun like yourself.”
The nun became slightly agitated and announced loudly “Nuns are not spinsters Mr Ryan! Nuns are married to God.”
Ryan replied “In that case Sister, sure you could just send on the bill to me brother-in-law.”
(Our thanks to regular reader and contributor Michael B. who sent this helpful contribution to Thurles.Info )
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