Thurles Information

Paddy goes to Shannon Doc here in Thurles, with ‘bottom,’ problems.
“Doctor, it’s me behind. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look at it, if yar wood.”

Realising the man is obviously suffering some discomfort and anxious to sort the problem out quickly, the doctor asks him to remove his trousers and begins his examination.

After a short silence the doctor gasps. “This is most unusual Paddy,” he says, “But there is a €20.00 note lodged in your anal triangle of perineum, in between the right and left ischioanal fossa.”
“Doctor you just git it out of dare qick.” says Paddy.

Using a surgical tweezers the doctor gently eases the €20.00 note out of Paddy’s posterior, but then, surprise, the edge of €10.00 note appears. “This is amazing!” exclaims the Doctor. “What do you want me to do?”

“Well fur goodness shake don’t stand dare, teyke it out man!” shrieks his patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and then another twenty appeared, and then a fifty and another, and another, and another and so it went on. Finally half an hour later the last note was successfully removed and following further in-dept examination, no further notes were found.

“Ah Doctor, tank ya koindly, dat’s muche batter, but just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?” The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says “Paddy, I make it €1,990 exactly, on the first count, will I recheck it?”

“No need, dat’d be rite den,” says Paddy. “Sure I just knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.”

Have a laugh, we are all back to work tomorrow.

An elderly Irish farmer, named Johnny, had an accident with a truck and now some months later was suing the owner for damages. In court the truck owner’s hot-shot Solicitor was questioning Johnny.

Solicitor: ‘Now didn’t you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, ‘quote “I’m fine,”?

Johnny: “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Lulu, into the…”

Solicitor: “I didn’t ask for any details, just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer at the scene of the accident, quote “I’m fine!”?

Johnny: “Well, I had just got Lulu into the trailer and I was driving down the road…..”

The solicitor interrupted again and said: “Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident this man told the police that he was fine. Now several months after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Johnny’s answer and said to the solicitor: “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow Lulu.”

Johnny thanked the Judge and proceeded: “Well as I was saying, Your Honour, I had just loaded Lulu, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge truck came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Lulu was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Lulu moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident happened, a policeman in a squad car turned up. He could hear Lulu moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After he looked at her and saw her serious condition, he took a gun out of his car and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said “How badly are you hurt?”  

Now, Your Honour, all things being considered, what the hell would you have said?”

Watching television commercials recently (I lead a sad life) I realise that even the quality of Irish made advertising has gone to the dogs.

Take the case of one of our Irish Telephone Companies, which tells us that over 60,000 customers have come back to them over the past year. Why did they leave in the first place, I ask, was their service over priced and offering very poor customer service I wonder?

Then there is the Public Health Information Advert which invites us all to dial 999 if we are suffering from a heart attack. I would have assumed that this kind of information was already common knowledge, however this TV advert now begs the question, were people phoning their local undertaker, in an effort to cut out the middle man. Perhaps it is aimed at Thurles residents, who because of the long distance over potholed surfaces, are now deciding their journey to Limerick hospital would be a waste of time.

Another advert selling a brand of liquid Disinfectant Hand Wash, which claims to kill 99% of all known germs, has introduced a new automatic liquid disperser. It’s to stop you from picking up germs from handling the outer surface of their container. Hello! does the liquid we access within, not claim to kill 99% of germs or are they suggesting that their product is not possibly as deadly to nasty bacteria, as previously believed?

Well, let’s face it, commercial advertising has got to really catch the eye of the consumer. So my friend Michael and myself have come up with a possible scenario, that we believe might offer help to Greengrocers, who feel the need to promote their dwindling sales of garden fresh vegetables. Our Advert would run something like this, so bear with us as we extol our “Story Board,” for the benefit of any viewing, interested marketing executives.

Imagine the following scenario, in your mind’s eye, flashing on your TV screens.

“Tired of constantly being lectured over his womanising, his drinking and being faced with an unhappy relationship, husband Tom decides to solve, once and for all , his marital problems. He first takes out a large insurance policy, €500,000 to be exact, on his wife, naming himself as the sole beneficiary. Then having made discreet enquiries, Tom,  courtesy of a very loyal friend, gets the name of a professional experienced “Hit Man.”

Tom arranges a meeting with this underworld figure, named “Artie,” and explains he wants his wife ‘snuffed.’  Artie quietly explains to Tom that the going price for a hit on a spouse on today’s market is €5,000.

Tom agreed to the prices and even adds a bonus, but explains that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect on his wife’s insurance money. Artie insists on being paid at least something up front, so Tom opens his wallet, displaying only one single €1.00 coin. As you can imagine Artie is not too happy, but with unemployment in this country as it stands and no other job on that weekend, he reluctantly agrees to accept the €1.00 as a down payment.

A few days later, Artie begins following Tom’s wife, learning her everyday habits.  He discovers that everyday, without fail, she goes browsing for vegetables to a local greengrocers. Artie decides this is the best place to strike, as the shelving used offers good cover from the rest of the shop. The following day he is waiting and surprises her as she tests the firmness of bright red tomatoes on offer. Using gloved hands, Archie proceeds to strangle her and as the poor unsuspecting wife draws her last breath, the manager of the store stumbles unexpectedly on his murder scene.

Artie is leaving no living witnesses behind.  He has no choice but to strangle the fresh produce Manager. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings are being captured by a hidden security camera and are also being observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately calls the police. Artie is arrested as he attempts to exit the Greengrocers. Now under intense questioning in the police station, he reveals the full details of the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with Tom.

Now comes our sales pitch; The following day a man is observed reading the bold headlines of a newspaper:-  ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR JUST €1.00 AT LOCAL GREENGROCERS.”

Now if that wouldn’t boost the sales of fresh Thurles Artichokes, kindly tell me what would?