Irish TV Advertising

Watching television commercials recently (I lead a sad life) I realise that even the quality of Irish made advertising has gone to the dogs.

Take the case of one of our Irish Telephone Companies, which tells us that over 60,000 customers have come back to them over the past year. Why did they leave in the first place, I ask, was their service over priced and offering very poor customer service I wonder?

Then there is the Public Health Information Advert which invites us all to dial 999 if we are suffering from a heart attack. I would have assumed that this kind of information was already common knowledge, however this TV advert now begs the question, were people phoning their local undertaker, in an effort to cut out the middle man. Perhaps it is aimed at Thurles residents, who because of the long distance over potholed surfaces, are now deciding their journey to Limerick hospital would be a waste of time.

Another advert selling a brand of liquid Disinfectant Hand Wash, which claims to kill 99% of all known germs, has introduced a new automatic liquid disperser. It’s to stop you from picking up germs from handling the outer surface of their container. Hello! does the liquid we access within, not claim to kill 99% of germs or are they suggesting that their product is not possibly as deadly to nasty bacteria, as previously believed?

Well, let’s face it, commercial advertising has got to really catch the eye of the consumer. So my friend Michael and myself have come up with a possible scenario, that we believe might offer help to Greengrocers, who feel the need to promote their dwindling sales of garden fresh vegetables. Our Advert would run something like this, so bear with us as we extol our “Story Board,” for the benefit of any viewing, interested marketing executives.

Imagine the following scenario, in your mind’s eye, flashing on your TV screens.

Tired of constantly being lectured over his womanising, his drinking and being faced with an unhappy relationship, husband Tom decides to solve, once and for all , his marital problems. He first takes out a large insurance policy, €500,000 to be exact, on his wife, naming himself as the sole beneficiary. Then having made discreet enquiries, Tom,  courtesy of a very loyal friend, gets the name of a professional experienced “Hit Man.”

Tom arranges a meeting with this underworld figure, named “Artie,” and explains he wants his wife ‘snuffed.’  Artie quietly explains to Tom that the going price for a hit on a spouse on today’s market is €5,000.

Tom agreed to the prices and even adds a bonus, but explains that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect on his wife’s insurance money. Artie insists on being paid at least something up front, so Tom opens his wallet, displaying only one single €1.00 coin. As you can imagine Artie is not too happy, but with unemployment in this country as it stands and no other job on that weekend, he reluctantly agrees to accept the €1.00 as a down payment.

A few days later, Artie begins following Tom’s wife, learning her everyday habits.  He discovers that everyday, without fail, she goes browsing for vegetables to a local greengrocers. Artie decides this is the best place to strike, as the shelving used offers good cover from the rest of the shop. The following day he is waiting and surprises her as she tests the firmness of bright red tomatoes on offer. Using gloved hands, Archie proceeds to strangle her and as the poor unsuspecting wife draws her last breath, the manager of the store stumbles unexpectedly on his murder scene.

Artie is leaving no living witnesses behind.  He has no choice but to strangle the fresh produce Manager. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings are being captured by a hidden security camera and are also being observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately calls the police. Artie is arrested as he attempts to exit the Greengrocers. Now under intense questioning in the police station, he reveals the full details of the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with Tom.

Now comes our sales pitch; The following day a man is observed reading the bold headlines of a newspaper:-  ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR JUST €1.00 AT LOCAL GREENGROCERS.”

Now if that wouldn’t boost the sales of fresh Thurles Artichokes, kindly tell me what would?



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