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“Rude waiters, a rat in the kitchen and what is that unidentified object floating in your soup?” This usually mean the “Meal from Hell,” but it also adds up to a most unforgettable, truly funny, night’s entertainment.
Next Friday April 20th and Saturday April 21st The Source Arts Centre, here in Thurles, will host “Faulty Towers – the Dining Experience,” starting at 7.30pm and courtesy of Interactive Theatre Australia, in association with Ten42 Productions.
The series, as most people are aware, was originally set in “Fawlty Towers,” a fictional hotel in the seaside town of Torquay, on the “English Riviera”. The plots originally centred around a rude and deranged manager Basil Fawlty (Played by John Cleese), his bossy wife Sybil (Played by Prunella Scales), a comparatively normal chambermaid Polly, (Played by Connie Booth) and a hapless Spanish waiter Manuel (Played by Andrew Sachs) latter with a limited English vocabularly and their attempts to run the hotel amidst farcical situations and an array of demanding and eccentric guests.
Acclaimed both nationally and internationally, this show is now an annual feature at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, Adelaide Fringe Festival, Edinburgh Festival Fringe and now Fawlty Towers comes here to Thurles for just two nights.
You can now enjoy a three course meal at “The Source Café,” served up by none other than “Manuel,” “Basil,” and “Sybil,” which will guarantee that everything that can possibly go wrong on the night, most certainly will.
Tickets are priced at €45, which includes a three-course meal, with a choice of Main Course and Desert.
Highly recommended, with guaranteed side splitting laughter! (Just one piece of advice “Don’t mention the war.”)
 Paddy goes to Shannon Doc here in Thurles, with ‘bottom,’ problems.
“Doctor, it’s me behind. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look at it, if yar wood.”
Realising the man is obviously suffering some discomfort and anxious to sort the problem out quickly, the doctor asks him to remove his trousers and begins his examination.
After a short silence the doctor gasps. “This is most unusual Paddy,” he says, “But there is a €20.00 note lodged in your anal triangle of perineum, in between the right and left ischioanal fossa.”
“Doctor you just git it out of dare qick.” says Paddy.
Using a surgical tweezers the doctor gently eases the €20.00 note out of Paddy’s posterior, but then, surprise, the edge of €10.00 note appears. “This is amazing!” exclaims the Doctor. “What do you want me to do?”
“Well fur goodness shake don’t stand dare, teyke it out man!” shrieks his patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and then another twenty appeared, and then a fifty and another, and another, and another and so it went on. Finally half an hour later the last note was successfully removed and following further in-dept examination, no further notes were found.
“Ah Doctor, tank ya koindly, dat’s muche batter, but just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?” The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says “Paddy, I make it €1,990 exactly, on the first count, will I recheck it?”
“No need, dat’d be rite den,” says Paddy. “Sure I just knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.”
Have a laugh, we are all back to work tomorrow.
 A well known hotelier went to an Office Supplies store here in Co Tipperary. He was in search of an Ink Cartridge for a Computer Printer. Having located the item he then asked the cost. The proprietor replied, “I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service all this week.” The hotelier was pleased delighted and left the shop.
When the shop’s proprietor went to open his shop the following morning, there was a ‘Thank You,‘ card and a box of chocolates waiting for him, taped to his shop door.
Later that day, the local Doctor comes in, also in search of an Ink Cartridge, and again, when he tries to pay his bill, the proprietor replied, “I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service all this week.” The Doctor was delighted and left the shop.
When next morning, the proprietor went back to open up his store, there was a ‘Thank You,‘ card and a dozen freshly baked scones waiting for him, hanging from his shop door.
Next a TD came in, searching for an Ink Cartridge, and when he went to pay his bill, the proprietor again replied, “I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service all this week.” The TD was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the proprietor went to open up, there were twelve Sinn Féin TD’s and Councillors, all lined up, waiting for free Toner Cartridges for their Laser Printers.
This story, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of Ireland and the politicians who run same.
 An elderly Irish farmer, named Johnny, had an accident with a truck and now some months later was suing the owner for damages. In court the truck owner’s hot-shot Solicitor was questioning Johnny.
Solicitor: ‘Now didn’t you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, ‘quote “I’m fine,”?
Johnny: “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Lulu, into the…”
Solicitor: “I didn’t ask for any details, just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer at the scene of the accident, quote “I’m fine!”?
Johnny: “Well, I had just got Lulu into the trailer and I was driving down the road…..”
The solicitor interrupted again and said: “Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident this man told the police that he was fine. Now several months after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Johnny’s answer and said to the solicitor: “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow Lulu.”
Johnny thanked the Judge and proceeded: “Well as I was saying, Your Honour, I had just loaded Lulu, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge truck came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Lulu was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Lulu moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident happened, a policeman in a squad car turned up. He could hear Lulu moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her serious condition, he took a gun out of his car and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said “How badly are you hurt?”
Now, Your Honour, all things being considered, what the hell would you have said?”
 Hi Honey,
As you are aware I have worked every day for the past 44 years, contributing my fair share to the wasted finances of this State. During those 44 years, I have never once obtained a solitary Social Welfare payment. My employers have always, over the years, “Stamped Me Card,” Deducted Me Taxes, Me PRSI and Me USC Contributions, none of which have as yet offered any benefit to either me or my family. Not so much as a false tooth, a pair of glasses, a confirmation dress or a €60 to neuter me dog, have I ever received.
I learn from media reports that you now intend to crackdown on dole claimants, those little beggars who do not turn up for FAS interviews. This new get-tough move, I understand, is part of a deal with our new masters from outer space “The Troika,” latter who recently landed and now currently govern this country, and all aimed at getting unemployed people back to work, in a State where work is no longer available.
Do remember however, one occupational group should be exempt from FAS training. Those of whom I speak would be our fine body of garbage collectors. Those employed in this worthy highly paid occupation “just pick it up as they go along,” so training is not necessary.
I understand new figures released by the Department of Social Protection have revealed a dramatic increase in the number of people reporting suspected Social Welfare fraud. This number of ‘Squealers,’ have jumped from 6,500 in 2009 to nearly 17,000 in 2011. Well when you are an out of work civil servant, a sacked banker or a failed developer, the site of anyone getting €140 every week for nothing, would make you roll up the window of your BMW, take your Blackberry out and begin secretly texting the authorities.
Your department has made savings of €645m through fraud prevention and control measures in 2011, well in excess of its €540m target. Over 30,000 fraud investigations were completed and 750 employer inspections undertaken. Your findings however, will see only 270 cases considered for prosecution under the Social Welfare Act, while only 174 cases have been referred to gardaí for criminal prosecution.
Here in Tipperary, we have quite a few individuals unemployed, who take money from the State and who to-date have escaped your sweeping investigations. I feel it is my civic duty to report the names of these individuals, so that they can be included in your new legislation which will enable Social Welfare officials to investigate their suspected fraud and present findings directly to the Director for Public Prosecutions.
However, before I “name and shame,” causing you to rush out to interview those I blow the whistle on, allow me to congratulate you personally on the excellent work undertaken by your hitherto unprofessional lazy department, who allowed all this fraud to take place in the first instant.
Now Joan, am I correct in understanding that ‘Unemployed,‘ means, ‘Not working, and not actively looking for work.’ Am I also correct in understanding that the politically incorrect phrase ‘Unskilled Workforce,’ means ‘A segment of our work force associated with a low level of skill or of limited economic value for the work that they currently perform.’
Trusting that you and I now agree on the above definitions, I wish to report 3 individuals worthy of immediate investigation by your department, who currently, secretly carry on the trade of “Politician, ” and whose names are as follows:-
Continue reading Private Letter To Joan Burton
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