Thurles Information

There are around 14,000 people claiming Unemployment Benefits currently in Tipperary. End of October CSO figures show that only 114 persons in the county left the Live Register during the month, (Mostly due to death, emigration and Jobsbridge scams).

But good news could be on the way with the Industrial Development Authority (IDA Ireland) confirming that significant employment opportunities are due to be announced in the near future, for Thurles, here in Co Tipperary.

Indeed when contacted, a spokesperson for IDA Ireland did confirm that they had visited Tipperary as recent as April 1st 1887 last, before cycling on to Birr, in Co Offaly on stolen bikes, to watch the All Ireland Hurling match that year between Tipperary and Galway. (In case you have forgotten the score was Tipp 1-1, Galway 0 – 0.)

Anyway, from documents seen briefly here by Thurles.Info, it would appear that consultants employed by the present Board of Irish Water have come up with a plan to set up a series of Cottage Industries, which will solve, it is hoped, most of  our unemployment problems here in Thurles.

A new Company called Tipp – Up Air is to be set up under the patronage of Irish Water and Fáilte Ireland; their purpose to sell bottled pure Tipperary Air to over 10 million people born in Ireland, who quickly ‘cottoned on’ and have long since emigrated. (Better known nowadays to you and me as the “Irish Diaspora.”)

According to company documents seen and read, unemployed persons must first register with the Revenue Commissioners as a Self Employed Person, which immediately removes them from the Live Unemployment Register and on completion of this task, then begin bottling Tipperary Air, having first completed a one day training course.

Training Course
The training course will demonstrate how to prepare this final top quality product through washing recycled 500ml plastic bottles they find on the streets of our towns and along rural roadsides in the county. Bottles located can be washed and thoroughly dried using a basic domestic hair-dryer.   Bottles can then be taken outdoors, gently squeezed and then quickly released, thus ensuring maximum intake of air, before being tightly capped.  Note: In the case of wet weather conditions, cleaned, dried bottles should be held upside down before filling with air to avoid any rain, hail or snow intake. (Failure to observe the latter could result in a loss of income to Irish Water.)

When this latter operation has been completed, sticky labels manufactured and printed in China, and obtained from the new board of Tipp – Up Air (costing .50 cents each) can be attached to each bottle, leaving the product fully complete and ready for market. Each of these provided labels carries a Quality Assurance mark from Bord Bia, showing county of origin and a slick marketing logo which reads: “If downcast are you and wan with care, just unscrew the cap and breathe Irish Air.”

Once completed, this product will then be wholesaled to all participating Souvenir shops, Aldi, Lidl and other outlets, for sale to visitors from Mainland Europe, North America and Britain, offering a cheap souvenir for loved ones back home, while announcing also their recent “Trip to Tipp.”

Local Tipperary TD’s and Councillors have expressed some reservations in relation to this new product, claiming that by removing bottled air abroad, from anywhere in Ireland, could accelerate climate change when these bottle caps are unscrewed.  For example any sudden release of air in North America could change the direction of that powerful warm ocean current that continues the Gulf Stream north-east, known as the North Atlantic Drift or North Atlantic Current. Such reservations have been strongly denied by Irish Water and the Department of the Environment.

Some other local Tipperary TD’s and Councillors have also expressed reservations regarding the fact that since Fáilte Ireland have failed miserably to promote tourism either financially or through any real form of marketing, especially in Tipperary, tourists may just not arrive.  However consultants involved in promoting Tipp-Up Air have stated that franchise’s are expected to be offered to counties Waterford, Cork, Kerry, Galway and Dublin, where all tourism marketing funds are mostly expended at present. A spokes person for Tipp-Up Air stated “With 4,000 road signs having been installed in the west of Ireland, along the Wild Atlantic Way, at a cost of €689 per signpost or over €2.756m in total, bottled air stands could now be erected (for a small fee of course) close to these same signs, where tourists are bound to take heed and slow down due to the potholes, as they traverse this most scenic of Irish coastal countryside.”

While no Bord Members or anticipated other Administrative Staff have yet been appointed to Tipp-Up Air & C0; persons who has given financial election donations to either Fine Gael or Labour Ministers over the past 5 years are expected to be given first refusal for all such job opportunities. Unions also confirm that all staff satisfactorily identified for such posts, will receive bonuses of between 4% and 19%, regardless of their ability to carry out their duties responsibly.

Full announcements regarding these new job opportunities are expected to be announced some Friday soon, enabling Tipperary TD’s to extend their weekend break to Tuesday before the Dail reconvenes again for another hectic week of brain storming.