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Google, HSE & PayPal Could Move Offices To Thurles

Dail Bar:

Dáil Bar – any day at lunch time.

Exciting news today, with the as yet unconfirmed reports that Google, HSE and PayPal offices could be on the move out of Dublin, “lock, stock and laptop,” to provide jobs here in Thurles, Co Tipperary.

The rumour is supported by reports that Dublin Authorities have now advertised for a specialist company which will hopefully rid them of a colony of seagulls circling high rise buildings in the capital, mistaking the latter as erosion landforms or vertical cliffs.

To prevent this possible stampede of recent new Dublin jobs to rural Thurles, this same Dublin Authority are now seeking, quote; “a professional pest control company to provide a suitable deterrent system, or process, to eliminate the presence of birds and seagulls.”

“The seagulls here in Dublin have lost the run of themselves” said one Dáil Éireann TD. “Dive Bombing Seagulls drive at us through the open windows of the Dáil Bar at lunch time, like ancient Pterosaurs, he continued. (Latter ‘Pterosaurs’ is a type of flying reptile from the late Triassic and Cretaceous Period, living some 228 to 66 million years prior to the birth of EU commissioner Phil Hogan).

They snatch from our hands Gourmet Burgers, Decadence D’Or Cupcakes and in the ensuing turmoil of fighting them off, overturn large glasses filled with Henri Jayer Richebourg Grand Cru and Cote de Nuits, latter to be soaked up in expensive chair and floor coverings,” said another disgusted female visiting Senator.

The hallowed corridors of our parliament building were awash yesterday, with rumours that a bag of traditional hard boiled sweets (large ‘Black & White Mint Humbugs,’ I understand), latter purchased from the cut price Dáil Tuck-Shop for use in the Dáil Chamber, had been snatched by one of these same vicious winged marauders.

The TD and Senator referred too, who both wish to remain anonymous, have now called for the Environment Minister and Tipperary native, Mr Alan Kelly to take immediate remedial action.

The raucous and anti-social behaviour caused by these seagulls may also give us a clue as to why our Irish elected representatives made such a ‘hames’ of certain policy decisions, over the past four or five years. It is not widely known, but it would appear that these noisy seagulls are keeping our politicians, senior civil servants and their vast array of consultants awake at night; latter all attempting to slumber in these same high-rise Dublin cliff-like apartments.

Is it any wonder therefore that what should have been a relatively easy solution to many of our countries problems, (e.g. the nation’s crippling bank bailout, –  the granting to Irish Water of over €424.5 million to install water metres instead of plugging leaks – and of course the latest refusal by Fine Gael and Labour TD’s to “rock off ” on the Vincent Brown / TV3 proposed late night ‘people debates’ programmes) are now observed by the Irish electorate as being unmitigated full-blown national catastrophes.

The good news for Thurles however could be that senior management and staff at the offices of Google, HSE and PayPal have all had their fill of these seagulls and are now looking for ‘gull free territory’.  If truth be known they are sick to death of these swooping cheeky birds, squawking from their nests at ‘cock crow’ every morning, from the elevation of these new man-made cliffs.

Management and staff are rightly afraid of these birds, who in scenes reminiscent of the Alfred Hitchcock movie “The Birds,”  attack their young children; dispossessing them of their lollipops and gourmet French Fries (‘Chips’ to rural dwellers), not to mention the continuous squirting of eliminated liquids and solids, falling while in flight from their digestive tracts, via their ani, before landing to splatter on new shiny metallic Mercedes-Benz auto-mobiles, during a time of great urban water shortages.

Result for Thurles however would be a massive reduction in current unemployment for the first time in over 25 years and all thanks to good old Mother Nature and Dublin’s sardine famished seagull population.

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