Humour « Thurles Information

Irish Government Planning 33 High Level Visits Abroad For St. Patrick’s Day.

While the St. Patrick’s Day annual parade here in Thurles has been called off, due to a lack of interest by the controlling organisers; the Irish Government are planning at least 33 high level visits next month, on March 17th, in an attempt to bring Christianity to those heathens abroad.

Those Ministers travelling abroad will be carrying three leaved Shamrock, to explain the concept of the Holy Trinity, (The Father, Son and Holy Spirit), to the pagans and warmongers, they expect to run into; their travel expences paid in full at the Irish taxpayers expense.

As a taxpayer continuously over a period of some 60 years, to be totally honest, I don’t mind contributing to the vast sums of money spent by Irish TD’s, as they make plans to go flying, with their entourage of loyal courtiers, to all over the world, for St. Patrick’s Day, 2022.

What I do strongly object to, however, in some cases, is paying for their return tickets, if you get my meaning.

We learn from press reports, over the past week, that An Taoiseach, Mr Micheál Martin will visit London the weekend before St. Patrick’s Day, before visiting Washington on St. Patrick’s Day; as the annual excuse for ‘Patron Saint visits’ takes off fully, for the first time, since the Covid-19 pandemic began in 2020.
Last year, 2021, US President, Mr Joe Biden and An Taoiseach, Mr Micheál Martin met virtually on St. Patrick’s Day. This St. Patrick’s day same can now touch elbows, as sanitised crystal bowls change hands and both men declare their undying love for liberty, democracy, free speech and each other.

An Tánaiste, Mr Leo Varadkar will be heading supposedly to South America, visiting Columbia and Chile. [Note to Customs, check all diplomatic bags and other luggage on arrival back in Dublin, just to be sure.]
Green Party Leader, Mr Eamon Ryan will for a couple of days, be ignoring a considerable chunk of his carbon footprint, as he visits in New York.
Minister for Finance, Mr Paschal Donohoe is set to travel to London and the Netherlands.
Minister for Public Expenditure, Mr Michael McGrath will go to San Francisco, the cultural, commercial and financial centre in the U.S. state of California; before moving on to the bustling west coast seaport of Vancouver, in lower British Columbia, latter on the westmost coast of Canada.
Minister for Children, Mr Roderic O’Gorman will travel to Philadelphia and New York.
‘Teacher’s Pet’, Minister for Education, Ms Norma Foley will be visiting “A place you all know well”, as the ballad states, namely Boston, populous city of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts in the United States.
Minister for Higher Education, Mr Simon Harris will visit France.
Minister for Children, Mr Roderic O’Gorman will travel to Philadelphia and New York.
Minister for Justice, Mrs Helen McEntee will visit Savannah, in the state of Georgia; the county seat of Chatham County.
Minister for Health, Mr Stephen Donnelly will travel to Austin, the capital city of the U.S. state of Texas.
Chief whip, Mr Jack Chambers will head to Los Angeles.
Attorney General, Mr Paul Gallagher is set to travel to Washington.
Minister for Arts, Ms Catherine Martin will travel to Argentina.
Minister of State, Mr Colm Brophy will visit Mexico.
Minister of State, Ms Pippa Hackett will visit Greece.
Minister of State, Mr Thomas Byrne will head for Italy.
Minister of State, Mr Patrick O’Donovan will go to the “Windy City”, Chicago on Lake Michigan, the most populous city in the U.S. state of Illinois.

Despite an open invitation, there were no Ministers willing to take on the greening of Wuhan, that sprawling capital of Central China’s Hubei province; for some unknown reason to this author, but sure all is not lost yet, for it is believed that there will also be a number of other Ministerial visits not yet decided.

No, I’m not jealous. Me, I’m just wondering will there be anyone left to mind the shop.

Put Your Hand In Hand Of Man From Galilee.

The old priest lay dying, so he sent a message for the Local Tax Inspector and his Lawyer to come to his hospital bed.

When they both arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest weakly held out his hands and motioned for them both to sit on each side of his bed.

The priest grasped their hands; sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, all three men remained silent, still holding hands.

Both the Revenue Inspector and the Lawyer both felt flattered that this old man would ask them to be with him, during his final moments on earth.
However, they were also puzzled because the priest had truly never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, “Father, why did you ask that the two of us should come here?”
The old priest mustering all his strength, replied weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go.”

Joke Of The Week.

A badly prepared student in an advanced Biology class was taking his mid-term exam. The last question on his paper, with a value of 70 marks, was causing a small problem.

It read: – ‘Name seven advantages for women who breast feed their babies.’

Our student was finding this question extremely difficult. However taking a gamble based on his more general knowledge he wrote as follows: –

(1) It is a perfect formula for the baby.
(2) It provides immunity against certain diseases.
(3) It is always at the right temperature.
(4) It is inexpensive as food.
(5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
(6) It is always available if and when required, even at a moments notice.

Now lost for his seventh reason the student thought for awhile. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of his exam, he quickly scrawled: –

(7) It comes in two attractive containers and it is high enough off the ground, where the cat can’t get it.

Our student got an A.

Mikey Ryan Supports Mask Wearing.

It was half past seven and myself and Mikey Ryan were above in the Arch Bar in Liberty Square, Thurles, about to order our last beer, before the 8:00pm curfew.

“Pat please, when you are ready, we’ll have two bottles of Corona”, said Mikey, “but hold back on the virus”.

“I’ll tell you this for a serious fact”, said Mikey, “while the Irish government are worried about that Dr Tony Holohan guy staging a medical coup presently, that same boyo knows what he is talking about”.

“Everyone should be forced to wear face masks alright, if that what your hinting at,” said I, “that practise can definitely save lives”.

“Last night”, Mikey lowered his voice to a whisper, “I took the girlfriend “Hot Hazel” in here for a drink. Sure you know Hot Hazel don’t you?” he queried.

“Not intimately”, said I, “but I ask you who would have thought that the phrase normally attributed to her, i.e “I wouldn’t touch her with a 6-foot pole” would have become the national health policy, here in Ireland; but there you go”.

“Well on the way in” continued Mikey, “didn’t I go passed the wife; she was over in the left hand corner, inside the door wasting more money on a girls feckin night out. Thankfully she didn’t recognise me. Wearing that mask, I tell you, definitely saved my life”.

Said I, “Talking of pandemics, didn’t I purchased a world map last Saturday in Eason’s book shop, in the Thurles Shopping Centre. I said to my Missus, when this pandemic is over let fate and PUP payments decide where we will go on holidays. Then I gave her one of my darts. Throw this said I and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you”.

“Great idea”, said Mikey, “So where are ye going”.

“Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge”, said I, “unless I let her throw another dart”.

“Let’s go before Pat starts shouting time”, said I. “Happy New Year to you.”.

Tipperary TD Under Investigation For Breaching His Own GDPR.

**Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles, Co.Tipperary**.

“What’s GDPR” asked Mikey.

Myself and Mikey Ryan were above in The Arch Bar and Mikey was scanning a local newspaper with the front page heading stating “Tipperary TD Under Investigation For Breaching His Own GDPR”.

“General Data Protection Regulation” said I, glad to be the scholarly source providing expert and legitimate information in our regular attended licenced hostelry.

“It’s the toughest privacy and security law in the world, drafted by none other than the European Union itself”, I continued, “Why do you ask?“

“Sure it’s all here in the local paper”, said Mikey. “Were you not down at the Friday night retirement dinner for local parish priest Fr Tadgh Willis, last month?” asked Mikey.

“Never mind newspapers, sure paper never refused ink, and to answer your direct question, sure I wasn’t invited to that same event”, said I.

“Neither was I”, said Mikey, “but herself dragged me along, claiming that it was obviously an oversight by the organising committee.”

“I remember hearing Fr Willis was being honoured on his retirement with a dinner, alright, after spending 25 years here in the parish, alright”, said I.

“Correct”, said Mikey, “and a leading local politician, no names, no court marshals, latter a regular attender of funerals and other large congregational gatherings had been chosen to give the toast and to make the presentation, accompanied by that inevitable half hour short speech”.

Alas, according to Mikey, our local politician had gotten slightly delayed by important business in Dáil Éireann on that same Friday evening, so Fr Tadgh was instructed to go ahead and say his own few words, while the guests awaited the politicians arrival.

Mikey closed his eyes, as if in an effort to recall the events of that same evening,” If I remember correctly, Fr Tadgh began …… Ladies and Gentlemen, Reverend Sister, I got my first impression of this Thurles parish from the first confession I ever heard here, some 25 years ago, or so I first thought.
Indeed, I was convinced the Bishop had assigned me to a post in the most sin-ridden place in Ireland.
I remember well the very first person who entered my confessional, who admitted to a litany of serious discretions, e.g. he had stolen a television set; and when questioned by the Gardaí, managed to confuse his investigators;
had stolen money from his parents; embezzled his then employer; had an affair with a colleague’s wife; had sex with their 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs when drunk; was arrested several times for public nudity and finally infected his sister-in-law with VD.
As you can understand, I was naturally appalled that one man could commit so many awful unchristian acts against his fellow man.
However, as the days went on, I learned that my Church-going congregation were not all like him and I had, in fact, come to reside in a fine Christian parish full of good, generous and loving people.”

“Just as the priest finished his prepared speech and sat down, didn’t the local politician arrive, full of apologies for being late”, said Mikey, “and immediately set about making the community presentation, before giving his spiel”.
“I’ll never forget”, said he, according to Mikey, “the very first day our parish Priest arrived in Thurles. In fact, I had the great honour of being the very first person to visit him in his confessional.”

“So now we know why, over the past few weeks, Tipperary politicians can be observed arsing around the town of Thurles on a Friday, instead of attending to business in Dáil Éireann”, said I, “they don’t want to be late for any Friday community events in the future, which might lead to accidental breaches of GDPR”.

“Correct”, said Mikey, “Two more of the same again, Pat, when you’re ready, and two helpings of Hickory Glazed BBQ’d chicken, no rush”.