Humour - Thurles Information

Thurles Wives

[Note Please: Any resemblance to the Jackie Collins’ novel and television mini-series ‘Hollywood Wives’ is purely coincidental.]

Episode 1.

According to Thurles born Mrs Brooklin Casey, (who claims she heard it directly from the horse’s mouth), her neighbour and also housewife Mrs Harper Penelope McCarthy, got home from work rather early yesterday.
[Not that it matters, but Mrs Casey was anxious to point out to me that Harper McCarthy was high up in the Civil Service, and works a flexitime schedule, which allows her to choose when to start and to end her average working day].

As she turned the key in the latch, she was startled by a strange, rather high pitched, screaming noise, emanating she felt sure, from her upstairs bedroom.

Pounding up the creaky stairs, she located her husband Mr Waylon McCarthy, lying totally naked on their bed, drenched in sweat and breathing with short, quick breaths.

‘What’s wrong?’ a concerned Harper asked.

‘I think I’m having a heart attack,’ whispers Waylon her husband.

Harper rushes back downstairs to get her iPhone from her discarded handbag and just as she begins dialling, one of her children; five-year-old son Jaxon McCarthy comes down stairs shouting, “Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the walk-in wardrobe in your bedroom and she has no clothes on”

Harper slams the mobile phone down on the hall stand and storms back upstairs into her bedroom, rushing past her husband, latter still naked on their bed, but breathing showing signs of improving.

Harper slides open the black mirrored sliding wardrobe doors and there, sure enough, is her sister Shirley, totally naked; cowering in one corner, on the floor.

‘You rotten bitch’, Harper screams, ‘there is my husband having a heart attack, and here you are running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids’.

Does Thurles Need Cycle Lanes In Liberty Square?

“Wouldn’t you think Thurles Municipal District Council would introduce cycle lanes here on Liberty Square?” said I to Mikey Ryan. “With ‘foot-fall’ almost non existent, might ‘cycle-fall’ be a good idea”.

We were above at the Thurles Music festival in Liberty Square, Thurles listening to that Tribute Band “AᗺBA“, but Mikey appeared to be preoccupied, staring at a blonde lady, dressed; for all intents and purposes, in a bra and tights.

After giving Mikey a dart in the ribs with my elbow, I repeated the question.
“Oh sorry there”, said Mikey, “I was miles away”, (then in a lower tone), but I swear I went out a few times with that girl’s mother”.

“Now to answer your question the one word that immediately comes to mind is NO“ said Mikey, “most definitely not. This is more of that Green Party propaganda, being put out there in an effort to increase unemployment; destroy the Irish Republic’s overall economy and adding not a whit to the country’s gross domestic product.”

“Let’s be totally honest here”, continued Mikey now in full rant, “Cyclists don’t buy motor cars. They don’t borrow money from Thurles Credit Union to buy motorised vehicles. Cyclists don’t pay car insurance or road tax. They don’t buy petrol or diesel fuel, don’t go out to Tom Harold in Two-Mile- Borris, to have their vehicle properly serviced, or indeed crash repaired.

“Tell me then”, said I, “why have we erected all those chrome “Sheffield Toast Bike Racks” on both sides of the Square?“

“Forget the Toast Bike Racks” , said Mikey, “Worst of all these cyclists types don’t pay for street parking, hence reductions in the salaries of local councillors and their officials. Cyclists don’t even need multi-lane highways, charging hefty tolls.”

“Be jasus, I never thought of it that way Mikey”, said I.

“And I’ll tell you what’s more”, Mikey continued, “them cyclists, by their very nature of riding bicycles, usually remain fitter, healthier individuals, than car drivers, hence they don’t buy medicine; don’t visit doctors surgeries or clog up waiting rooms and trolleys in Limerick University Hospital.

Mikey’s rant continued, akin to a €3k a week, paid Sinn Féin politician, during question time in Dáil Éireann.

“And talking about health, do you see all those chip & burger joints here on Liberty Square? They create untold employment. They will, hopefully, in the foreseeable future automatically, by their very existance, create highly paid posts in the Health Service Executive for Specialists like Cardiologists, Dietitians, Nurses, Junior Doctors and Nutritionists.
“Change your way of thinking now”, said Mikey, “cycle lanes won’t put bread and butter on the table of Thurles businesses, either now or in the years ahead”.

“Still”, said I, “I think Thurles needs cycle-fall as well as foot-fall on Liberty Square, before all we have are out-of-town supermarkets”.

“Shut your face and listen to Agnetha Fältskog”, said Mikey, “Boy wasn’t she top of my ‘to do’ list in me younger days”.

One Full Time Job Vacancy In Thurles.

“I see you are checking the situations vacant columns again Mikey”, said I, as I joined Mikey Ryan in the Arch Bar in Liberty Square, Thurles this dinnertime.

“I’ll tell you this and I’ll tell you no more”, said Mikey Ryan, “but didn’t I see advertised in the local paper, last week, the perfect job for any unemployed person and with absolutely no training deemed necessary“.

“And what job was that”, said I.

“WANTED one bikini waxers assistant”, said Mikey.
He continued, “All you had to do was to assist in the removal of underwear and then to rub soothing, scented oil over the waxed area, after the waxing procedure was complete”.

“Well did you apply for the job”, said I.

“No point”, said Mikey, “When I asked a member of staff at the Thurles Social Welfare office, she said I had to go to Dunfanaghy, Co. Donegal”.

“Why is that where the job was being offered?” said I,
“It would be a long way to commute from Thurles, every morning, especially with the current price of petrol”, I continued.

“No it wasn’t that at all” said Mikey, “The job is here in Liberty Square, in Thurles, the Social welfare assistant assured me; but Dunfanaghy, Co. Donegal was where the back of the fecking queue was currently; waiting to be interviewed!

Keep This Piece Of Information To Yourself.

Keep this to yourselves, but I heard this, (same related to me in the strictest confidence, by Mikey Ryan), last night, over a few pints in the Arch Bar.

It seems Mikey was over spraying red oxide paint on Paddy Kavanagh’s hay-barn in the Horse & Jockey last week.
While up on top of a cherry picker, he happened to look down to see Paddy dancing naked in front of his tractor.

“What in the name of God are you doing dancing in the nude at this early hour Paddy”, yelled Mikey.

Surprised at being found in a compromising position, Paddy looked up “Herself and I have been having some marital problems lately”, he confessed in a dower tone, “and our marriage guidance councillor has recommended that I do something sexy to a tractor”.

Nightmare On Friar Street.

As we are all aware a nightmare is really just a most unpleasant dream that causes strong emotional responses from our minds. Not only does it cause, typically, great fear, but also often great despair, anxiety and even inordinate sadness.

Well between ourselves, and please let this conversation go no further; I had a nightmare last night that left me waking up, drenched in sweat, while shouting “Jackie, where is the half million Euros”.

**Massive hole continues to grow on Friar Street in Thurles**, **Co. Tipperary**.

From what I can still clearly recall, there was a massive hole in the street at Bowes Corner on Friar Street here in Thurles; that was causing a lot of accidents, damage to vehicles and worst of all, deaths.

The Cathaoirleach of Thurles Municipal District Council held an emergency meeting with the more intelligent people on the council, to discuss a possible solution to this most worrying of developments.

One councillor suggested parking an ambulance next to the hole, so that whenever any such accident occurred in the future, the victim could be quickly transported to our majorly overcrowded University Hospital in Limerick, to repose on a trolley, possibly reducing at least a few of the rising fatalities.

Another councillor suggested that there could be a scenario on any GAA match days, where a multiple collision could occur, thus while one ambulance is busy transporting a victim on the 90 mile round trip to Limerick, other victims would be left stretched on our dodgy footpaths. He suggested putting ten ambulances near the hole instead of just one.

A third councillor wisely interrupted and raised his concerns about the prices of petrol and wages for paramedics; pointing out that building a new hospital, next to the hole, would actually cost less in the long term.

Yet another councillor suggested that the assembly were being over dramatic, and with the poor quality of hurling emerging from Tipperary clubs this season, the idea of multiple collisions was the “stuff of unnecessary panic”.

To avoid a plenary session, which would have allowed councillors to spend time working in smaller groups and taking an informal approach to problem solving, with lateral thinking; the Cathaoirleach of the Thurles Municipal District Council interrupted his convened assembly.
He tells them that such solutions are all far too expensive, and instead he suggests that the hole be filled-in immediately and another one dug in front of Limerick hospital to save money.

With no chance of sleep now returning to my weary bones and with the sun coming up over the ridge of Killough Hill, I quickly took a cold shower, got dressed and headed with all haste for Bowe’s Corner.

Yes, thanks be to the Almighty God, I can now confirm it was all a complete nightmare. The nine month old crater still remains fully intact and getting bigger by the day.

Ah, sure I’ll have to stop eating and exercising just before bedtime and avoid those naps in the middle of the day.