Thurles Information

“Wouldn’t you think Thurles Municipal District Council would introduce cycle lanes here on Liberty Square?” said I to Mikey Ryan. “With ‘foot-fall’ almost non existent, might ‘cycle-fall’ be a good idea”.

We were above at the Thurles Music festival in Liberty Square, Thurles listening to that Tribute Band “AᗺBA“, but Mikey appeared to be preoccupied, staring at a blonde lady, dressed; for all intents and purposes, in a bra and tights.

After giving Mikey a dart in the ribs with my elbow, I repeated the question.
“Oh sorry there”, said Mikey, “I was miles away”, (then in a lower tone), but I swear I went out a few times with that girl’s mother”.

“Now to answer your question the one word that immediately comes to mind is NO“ said Mikey, “most definitely not. This is more of that Green Party propaganda, being put out there in an effort to increase unemployment; destroy the Irish Republic’s overall economy and adding not a whit to the country’s gross domestic product.”

“Let’s be totally honest here”, continued Mikey now in full rant, “Cyclists don’t buy motor cars. They don’t borrow money from Thurles Credit Union to buy motorised vehicles. Cyclists don’t pay car insurance or road tax. They don’t buy petrol or diesel fuel, don’t go out to Tom Harold in Two-Mile- Borris, to have their vehicle properly serviced, or indeed crash repaired.

“Tell me then”, said I, “why have we erected all those chrome “Sheffield Toast Bike Racks” on both sides of the Square?“

“Forget the Toast Bike Racks” , said Mikey, “Worst of all these cyclists types don’t pay for street parking, hence reductions in the salaries of local councillors and their officials. Cyclists don’t even need multi-lane highways, charging hefty tolls.”

“Be jasus, I never thought of it that way Mikey”, said I.

“And I’ll tell you what’s more”, Mikey continued, “them cyclists, by their very nature of riding bicycles, usually remain fitter, healthier individuals, than car drivers, hence they don’t buy medicine; don’t visit doctors surgeries or clog up waiting rooms and trolleys in Limerick University Hospital.

Mikey’s rant continued, akin to a €3k a week, paid Sinn Féin politician, during question time in Dáil Éireann.

“And talking about health, do you see all those chip & burger joints here on Liberty Square? They create untold employment. They will, hopefully, in the foreseeable future automatically, by their very existance, create highly paid posts in the Health Service Executive for Specialists like Cardiologists, Dietitians, Nurses, Junior Doctors and Nutritionists.
“Change your way of thinking now”, said Mikey, “cycle lanes won’t put bread and butter on the table of Thurles businesses, either now or in the years ahead”.

“Still”, said I, “I think Thurles needs cycle-fall as well as foot-fall on Liberty Square, before all we have are out-of-town supermarkets”.

“Shut your face and listen to Agnetha Fältskog”, said Mikey, “Boy wasn’t she top of my ‘to do’ list in me younger days”.