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 The Law Reform Commission, the Irish State’s independent legal watchdog, believe that certain criminals should now have their previous records permanently expunged, under new plans which are now only being currently considered by the present Government.
The Law Reform Commission first proposed this reform 8 years ago in 2007; where all offenders who serve a prison sentence of six months or less, or who receive a suspended sentence or fine, should have their records erased altogether, providing they can show a conviction-free period of some seven-year.
This Law Reform headline of yesterday reminded me of the case some years ago of local renowned, unemployed, Thurles pickpocket, Pajoe Damo O’Reilly-Browne.
Pajoe had been detained by a sharp eyed Thurles policeman and was appearing in Thurles Court, charged with certain pick pocketing offences committed, (or so arresting police officers claimed) on the streets of Thurles during a busy Cork V Tipperary GAA Hurling Munster Final.
Pajoe, through his appointed Free Legal Aid Solicitor, had argued that he was merely sticking his hands into strangers pockets just to keep them warm. His legal defence council had also argued that since, to quote the old proverb, “A fool and his money are easily parted”, his client, were he even to be found guilty, had merely just assisted in speeding up the future of things to come, and therefore no real crime had actually been committed. Pajoe’s defence solicitor had also been at pains to point out that Irish politicians pick the pockets of Irish citizens on a regular daily basis, yet same are never arrested and never dragged embarrassingly before a court of law, as was the case of his present client.
After much legal debate Justice Paddy McAlpine came to his own final conclusions. Addressing the accused, the Judge stated; “Mr O’Reilly, you sir are hereby found guilty of being involved in the theft of two mobile phones, nine wallets and forty two ecstasy tablets, all the property of ten law abiding individual. Since these stolen items have now all been returned safely to their rightful owners in tact, in your case I am suspending a custodial sentence. However this court places a fine on you in the total sum of €150; same to be paid with immediate effect into the Court Poor Box and before leaving this Courtroom”.
Pajoe reached reluctantly for his wallet whispering as he did so into the willing ear of his Solicitor. The acting Solicitor was observed nodding to his client before standing up before Judge McAlpine stating, “Your Honour, my client is a little short of funds at this time. He has only €125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes to move around the towns crowded Liberty Square, my client would quickly return to this court and make full financial restitution.”
Thank God for the Irish State’s independent legal watchdogs, where would we be without them?
The new Thurles pedestrian foot bridge which now spans the river Suir from the east bank of St Patrick’s college to the west bank, joining Emmet Street (The Watery Mall) and Thomond Road, close to the “Swinging Gates”, became a reality last Friday.
Background
In March 2013 the former Thurles Town Council (Comhairle Baile Ceanntar Dhurlas) had announced the welcome news that it had at last negotiated the purchase of eight acres of land from St Patrick’s College for the provision of a new Thurles Town Park and foot bridge.
With this land purchased; which partially bounds the east bank of the river Suir, backing onto the more recently constructed Thurles Civic & Leisure Centre, Thurles Town Councils administrators produced a preliminary design via some excellent planning work undertaken by Malachy Walsh & Partners, latter whose proposals were later placed on public display. Following the usual tendering procedures, a large multi-disciplined group SIAC Construction were chosen for overseeing the construction of this new park and now connecting new foot bridge.
To view sideshow video hereunder in ‘High Definition’ please CLICK HERE
Some fifty to sixty interested locals delayed their lunch breaks to watch ‘east join west’ across the river Suir on Friday and for those with environmental worries, most of our local wildlife also turned up for a ‘gawk’, before moving on, unperturbed by all activities as our video above demonstrates.
The debate as to what now to call our new park and bridge continues. Those of you who take the time to read ‘Recent Comments,’ here on Thurles Information will note the many suggestions already put forward; e.g. ‘Fr James Meehan Park,’ Wilbert Houben Park,’ ‘Lady Thurles Park,’ ‘Harry Gleeson Park,’ ‘Queen Elizabeth 11 Park,’ and ‘Thurles Town Park.’
Some politically minded individuals, latter who continue to tow a lot of undiscovered and disappeared corpses behind them, believe both Park and Bridge should be named after signatories of the 1916 Proclamation. Others however believe Dublin already have stolen enough from Co Tipperary, to enhance its already burgeoning local economy.
Have you, our valued readers, any further suggestions as to possible names for this amenity and who would you like to officially open this very welcome and exciting new Thurles amenity, paid for by a 25% hike in local Commercial Rates?
Remember President Michael D. Higgins has already, so far, refused at least two invitations to visit Thurles, so he won’t be interested. With a General Elections on the way, local Tipperary Government politicians, e.g. Alan Kelly (A.K.47), Noel Coonan (ISIS defender) and Tom Hayes (The Farmers Friend), certainly won’t want this job, due to their embarrassment in failing to even create one single job in Co. Tipperary in the last four years.
With this ‘Official Opening,’ due to possibly take place this autumn, (2015), we need to have some plan of action formulated.
 Picture shows the foundations for the well advanced pedestrian bridge, over the river Suir, joining the new and as yet unnamed Thurles town park, latter to be seen in the background. Major decisions came before both our national parliament and our local Templemore – Thurles Municipal District legislature this week.
Nationally our Dublin orientated Fine Gael / Labour government, after no real debate, rushed through a decision to sell-off possibly our only remaining Irish owned piece of family silver, namely Air Lingus, without the permission of the owners, the Irish people.
Here locally our Sinn Fein and Non Party Councillors, representing the Templemore – Thurles Municipal District, were calling for our new Thurles Town Park to be named after the seven signatories of the 1916 Proclamation. Thankfully, from a local decision making perspective, none of the proposers knew the names of the signatories written on this important document and probably just as well; as the name ‘MacDonagh MacDiarmada Plunkett Clarke Pearse Ceannt Connolly Park’, would have contained more letters than the existing village known as Llanfairpwllgwyngyl (pronounced: ɬanˌvairpuɬˈɡwɨ̞nɡɨ̞ɬ) situated on the island of Anglesey off the north-west coast of Wales.
Earlier of course they had discussed whether or not it should be named after one of themselves. However it was agreed that since none of them had, as yet, either died for their country or indeed (with the exception of Thurles Councillor Seamus Hanafan it must be said) had succeeded in achieving any one, real, single, positive contribution to this same Templemore – Thurles Municipal District since elected; same should be placed in temporary abeyance for perhaps a more opportune occasion into the future.
From a Fine Gael perspective it was felt that perhaps this New Park should be named after the now EU deported Minister Phil Hogan, due to the fact that same park is situated in close proximity to water and the fact also that his UISCE Eireann (Irish Water) company is currently being popularised by Alan Kelly, latter a Tipperary Labour Minister in government.
All Joking Aside
OK, joke over folks as it would appear that Thurles people and their elected representatives have very short memories. As my Grandmother, God bless her, used to say; “Eaten bread is soon forgotten”, meaning that great deeds are often forgotten by beneficiaries, once same have been delivered.
Cast your minds back to the decade prior to 2008 and to a man who left a massive positive imprint on Thurles his adopted town. Yes I refer to the late, great Wilbert Houben, affectionately known to us all here in Thurles as the “The Dutch Man”.
Next let’s ask ourselves who designed and contributed greatly to the building of ‘Pheasant Island’? Ask ourselves who built, without any remuneration, the limestone lined river bank, the fish friendly weir in the River Suir and who was it that introduced the now resident and pleasing duck population into the River Suir. Let’s ask ourselves who was one of the first people to suggest the purchase of land from St Patrick’s College with the aim of providing a Thurles Town Park? Who was it that fought so vocally to encourage our then Town Council to refrain from allowing sewage to flow unabated into the river Suir?
Not surprisingly you will find the answer to all of the above questions was Wilbert Houben.
As a community activist, Wilbert’s contribution to voluntary community groups in Thurles was endless; e.g. Thurles Lions Club, the once successful Thurles Tidy Towns Committee, Thurles Gun Club, the current Cabragh Wet Lands project, the once Thurles John Player Tops entertainment group and St. Mary’s Restoration Committee, just to name but a few.
Wilbert’s endless environmental knowledge, his personality, his generosity were only ever superseded by his gifted pair of hands which could, so perfectly, design and manufacture anything from “a needle to an anchor”, as any local farmer, small business or factory in Tipperary, to this very day can strongly attest.
Thurles poet Mr Gerry Cullen best summed up our feelings back in 2008, in his wonderful poem which he penned following Wilbert’s unexpected and sudden passing.
Tranen Voor Wilbert. (Tears for Wilbert.)
There’s terror on the Wetlands, the mighty guardian’s gone.
The Mink will get the edge again, and nature’s war is on.
The shadows chase the Moor-hen, and Magpies wait and see,
No form along the walkways, no Eco-referee.
Now winter’s at its darkest, and spirits weighted low,
And minds are left in why-land, where answers never go.
But spring will come in ripples with light all fresh and new,
Then clouds above the wildness will rain the tears for you.
Of course there is an alternative name we could call our new town park. Perhaps Sinn Fein would see this proposed name as being in the interests of unemployment, good neighbourliness, foreign direct investment, tourism, symbolic normalisation and even further clarification that the Good Friday Agreement is being put into full effect. Let’s call this park the “Queen Elizabeth 11 Park” and invite Her Majesty to officially do the honours, sure even the elusive President Michael D. Higgins would attend. This would be an immense boost for Tipperary tourism and would highlight to the world the fact that Her Majesty is a native of Thurles.
After all let us not forget that we currently have a fine residential area known as Windsor Grove, so how is that not ‘national symbolic normalisation’ being demonstrated by a forgotten Irish rural town.
 Billy Mulcahy, a local middle aged Thurles doctor, had just finished examining his old friend and patient Tom MacCarthy and had concluded that the latter was in remarkably good physical health for a man of his age.
Tom, an eighty nine year old sheep farmer, residing in the hills above the very scenic, rural village of Upperchurch, near Thurles, had lost his eighty year old wife some eighteen months previously; she had run off with the newly retired village postman.
Now, as you no doubt are aware, doctors are not the kind of people who get involved in village gossip, but from an overheard conversation, circulating in his local pub, it was being whispered that perhaps this same Tom MacCarthy was about to purchase her replacement, in no less a form than a Russian ‘Mail Order’ bride.
Being a good friend and wondering if this was indeed the true reason for Tom seeking this sudden physical examination of his overall health, the doctor asked Tom if there was any truth in this now rapidly circulating rumour.
Taking the time to adjust his trouser braces before pulling on his wellington boots, Tom assured the doctor that the rumour was in fact true and that plans were already at an advanced stage, with his new Russian mail order bride arriving at Thurles railway station on the following Friday afternoon.
Aware of other well founded rumours which stated that Tom hadn’t ever spent a penny of his Ewe Premium grant aided cheques from Brussels over the past ten years, Doctor Mulcahy, fearing Tom had acquired a ‘female gold digger,’ inquired as to the age of this new mail order Russian bride. With a knowing nod and a wink, Tom stated, ‘Doctor don’t worry, I’ve checked her out; the one I bought, she’ll be twenty-one this coming November’.
There was silence in the surgery for a few moments as the good doctor caught future flashes on his inner eye of the inevitable age problems which lay ahead for his elderly patient. Being a wise general practitioner, Dr. Mulcahy could see that the future sexual appetite, alone, of such a very young woman, could never be easily satisfied by this eighty nine year old hill dweller.
Now, anxious to ensure that his old friend’s remaining years continued to remain happy, Dr Mulcahy tactfully suggested that Tom should perhaps consider getting in a ‘hired hand’ to help him out on his remote sheep farm, fully realising that nature was bound to take its inevitable course some cold winters night, in this remote picturesque location in the hills.
Tom also agreed that this was a good idea and gave an undertaking that he would insert an advert in the local Tipperary Star newspaper that very same afternoon, in the hope of obtaining someone who would be happy to work on a low-hour contract basis.
Tom returned to the hills and it was some four months later before Dr Mulcahy would again encounter his patient, walking in front of his two sheep dogs, down Liberty Square, here in Thurles.
‘How’s the new partner settling in?,’ the doctor couldn’t wait to ask.
‘Begod doctor she’s feeling good – she’s pregnant,’ Tom chirped back in reply.
The doctor smiled inwardly, happy in the thought that his former sage advice had most likely worked out according to ‘expectations’.
‘And how’s your hired hand getting on?’ Dr Mulcahy continued.
‘Great doctor,’ replied a smiling Tom. Then lowering his voice he declared, ‘Between you and me doctor, all the signs at the moment indicate that she’s pregnant too.’
It may have something to do with the pure air in those hills above Upperchurch Dr Mulcahy now believes, but scientists from the Harvard Medical School are continuing to investigate.
 I must have drifted off into that fourth stage of slumber, known as ‘Rapid Eye Movement’ or REM sleep. In my dream the headline on the local newspaper I now found myself reading, stated clearly; “Thurles Man Dies on Eve of Equality Referendum“.
According to that weekly local publication, people had just cast their votes in an ‘Equality Referendum’ on a new wording, which if passed into law, would add a new section to our Irish Constitution. The new constitutional wording before the voters, read as follows; “Patients attending medical establishments seeking any/all medical intervention, in accordance with law shall be treated equally and without distinction, regardless of their ability to pay a consultant,” and was expected to be unanimously carried into law.
In fact it was a few persons returning home from late night polling booths, who were the first to notice that the thatched roof home of Thurles native Mikey O’Connor was ablaze.
The now apparently deceased and sole occupant of No 21, the aforementioned Mikey O’Connor, had been unemployed for over ten years. Due to insufficient income, his domestic water supply had been ‘turned down to a trickle’ by the reigning Minister for the Environment, Community and Local Government. It would appears Mikey had failed to cough up for his Irish Water (Irish -Uisce Eireann) charges and to make matters worse had been spotted carrying two pints of ‘Half & Half,’ by none other than An Taoiseach Enda Kenny himself. Mikey it appears, had dared to stop Enda, with these same two pints in his hands, shouting about the cost of Irish water and how he couldn’t afford to pay, which Enda had rightly discussed in Dáil Éireann the following day.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, according to this newspaper, despite the best efforts of local firemen, a water hydrant with sufficient pressure was eventually identified and the blaze was quickly brought under control. In the usual follow up operation and ensuing search, normally undertaken by firemen, Mikey’s badly scorched and blackened body was regrettably located.
With no known relatives locally, it now fell upon the local morgue’s resident Mortician to find someone who could with certainty, identify this located corpse. Mikey’s close connection with two regular local drinking buddies, Noel Kelly and Alan Coonan, was soon confirmed to Gardaí, by the dead occupant’s neighbours.
Both having being summoned to the morgue, Noel was the first to arrive. On entering this establishment, the Mortician pulled out the cold chamber drawer and rolled back the icy sheet. “Jasus, his face is burnt fair bad. Could you roll him over,” said Noel, to which the Mortician duly complied. Noel now surveyed the full burnt corpse briefly, before stating, “Nope, thank God, whoever this is, it sure ain’t Mikey”, he exclaimed.
While the Mortician noted that this latter requested action by Noel appeared somewhat strange, before he could further interrogate Mikey’s long time friend, he was interrupted by the arrival of the second friend, Alan, whom he immediately invited to again identify the body. Alan took a look at the badly charred remains before also stating, “Holy God, he’s burnt real bad, could you roll him over”. The Mortician frowned and again rolled the corpse over and Alan again surveyed the scene briefly before stating, “No, thank the good Lord, this definitely ain’t my dear friend Mikey”.
A somewhat mystified Mortician, believing that Mikey possibly may have had a tattoo, asked the obvious question, “How can you both be so sure?”
“Well,” said Alan, “You see sir Mikey had two arseholes.”
“What do you mean, he had two arseholes?” said the confused Mortician.
“Jasus, sure every dog and his mother in the town of Thurles knew Mikey O’Connor had two arseholes,” concurred Noel. “Sure I know every time we walked into a pub in Liberty Square, in the company of Mikey, you could hear folks whispering, ‘Here comes Mikey with the two arseholes’.”
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