Humour « Thurles Information

Language Shortfalls In Multicultural Tipperary

Today I overheard John and Mikey discussing the world’s state of affairs over a pint or two in The Arch Bar, in Liberty Square, Thurles.

Sure you know the sort of thing being headlined and discussed by both men:- First time buyer mortgage calculators; Donald Trump’s hair; Whether or not Syria was actually an Independent Republic; The need for Bonuses for executives whether working or not in Irish Water, and Multicultural Tipperary.

“You know”, said John “The many foreign emigrants and refugees, who came to make their homes in Tipperary, all seem to have settled in very well; integrating fully into our local communities.”

“True for you John, but sure Tipperary people are easy to get along with”, said Mikey, “But life for emigrants and refugees isn’t all a bed of roses, what with the major language differences and all.”

Mikey continued, “PaJoe my friend, whom you might remember works as a garbage collector, was only explaining it to me last Saturday. It seems he was picking up recyclable litter from wheelie bin’s left out last Monday morning. On finding one bin unusually absent and obviously overlooked; well to his mind at least, PaJoe hops out of his truck, (purely in the spirit of kindness you understand), and goes to knock on the house owners front door, as one would.”

“He gets no immediate reply the first time, however being a conscientious bloke, as PaJoe would be; he again, with ear at the keyhole, knocks and waits. Immediately, after a lot of clearly audible swishing, whispering and scurrying noises, overheard from within by PaJoe, a middle aged Japanese gentleman answers his banging.”

“Harro Sir” says the Japanese gentleman.
“How is she cuttin”, says PaJoe, “Where’s yer’ bin?”
“I bin on toilet,” explained a rather hesitant Japanese gentleman, looking a bit perplexed, and one could claim, even shamefaced. Realising the gentleman had misunderstood him, Mick smiled and tried again raising his voice slightly, “No my good man, where’s yer’ dust bin?”
“I dust been on toilet, I toll you!” says the Japanese gentleman, now looking around him even more embarrassed.
“Listen carefully,” said PaJoe with his usual sheepish grin. “You seem to be misunderstanding me pal. PaJoe emphasised his question more slowly, “I meant, Where – is – yer – wheelie – bin?”
“OK, OK. “ replies the Japanese gentleman in low whispered tones, “I wheelie bin in bed wiffa wife’s sista.”

“Be God now Mikey you have hit the nail on the head”, said John, “Sure I was in the Ulster bank yesterday to collect me pension. There was just one attractive Asian lady in front of me, and I could overhear she was trying to exchange YEN for EURO’s. All of a sudden, she becomes very irritated with the bank teller. To use her own words exactly she asked him, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat EURO fo YEN. Today I get hunat eighty! Why please it change?”
John continued “The Bank teller tried his best to explain stating, “Fluctuations.” Be God the Asian lady, smart enough, stared at him angrily for a second or two before replying, “Fluc you bankers, too”.

Renew Passports Online From Tomorrow

Irish people who are resident both here in Ireland and across the world, will be able to renew their passports online from tomorrow Thursday, March 30^th, 2017.

This new online ‘Passport Application Service’ facility, which is currently under construction, will be available shortly on the Department of Foreign Affairs website.

The service, when up and running, is expected to be more convenient, faster and fully secure; offering a more predictable turnaround time for delivery dates to customers, while allowing same to apply using their PCs, Laptops, Tablets and Mobile Phones.

However, please be informed; this new service is only for the renewal of adult applications. First time applicants and children will have to remain using our current, more antiquated system.

The new initiative is part of a reform programme which is expected to modernise Ireland’s overall passport systems and controls.

I wonder if that endangered species known as the “Rural Post Office” would agree! Were not Post Offices delivering you your new passport in 15 working days, for an extra charge of €9.50, plus your passport fee?

Perhaps it is now time to check if rural Ireland could qualify for protection for Post Offices under EU Environmental legislation. Same could be considered as being an unusual, threatened and sporadic species, totally at risk of becoming extinct through habitat destruction brought about by decision makers who believe that passport delivery times could be an hour or two faster.

Thurles Musical Society – All Shook Up

Thurles Musical Society all ready to rock with “All Shook Up.”

Thurles Musical Societies PRO Mr Noel Dundon reports:-

“Thurles Musical Society will stage their hit show “All Shook Up – the music of Elvis Presley” starting next Tuesday evening, April 4th, until Saturday April 8th inc. in The Premier Hall, Thurles from 8:00pm nightly.

Music and Cast
This is a non-stop collection of music made famous by ‘The King’, and there is a great comedy element to the show, to ensure that audiences will really enjoy a most wonderful experience. Thurles will have almost sixty performers on stage and another forty or so working around the hall to bring this musical extravaganza to the audience. The show has been a big hit throughout the country and it is anticipated that the production in Thurles will be no different.

With hits such as ‘Jailhouse Rock’, ‘Love Me Tender’, ‘Hound Dog’, ‘All Shook Up’, ‘Can’t Help falling in Love’, and many more; the show will take you on a nostalgic musical journey having been directed by Shannon man Aodán Fox, with Mary Rose McNally as Musical Director, Debbie Kieran as Choreographer, and Michelle O’Connell as Dance Captain.

The Cast and Chorus have been in rehearsals since early January and now that the Booking Office has opened in Hickey’s Pharmacy, Liberty Square, Thurles, real excitement has begun to build amongst the entire company.

Tickets
Tickets can be booked on (085) 2868726 at a cost of €20 for adults and €10 for children. There are also group concessions available and a family ticket will cost €50. Tickets will also be available at the door, on each night of the performance, although booking in advance is strongly advisable.”

Don’t miss this chance to see a truly great show locally.

‘The Jockser Cooke’ Regains His Memory

Well known Thurles local ‘The Jockser Cooke’ hadn’t seen the inside of a church since the day of his confirmation.

Imagine then, the pleasant surprise, even mild shock, that greeted the Rev. Peter Wheatfield, when he looked down into his congregation to find ‘Our Jockser’, standing completely cold sober, at the back of the parish church, for the first time in well over 30 years.

After the service, Rev. Peter took up his long established Sunday custom of greeting each of his worshippers as they exited his chapel.

Jockser’s Cotton Hat

Stretching out his hand to Jockser, he pulled him aside, to wait until all the other parishioners had left. This achieved, Rev. Peter said, “I am so glad you decided to come to our Sunday Holy Communion service this morning Mr Cooke. What, may I dare to ask, changed your mind after all these years?”

“Well to be totally honest with ya Reverend, sure a while back, didn’t I misplaced me cotton hat and sure God knows I really and truly loved that ould hat. Now didn’t I became aware that one of your other parishioners, Willie Hall, has a hat just like mine. I then learned that every man who enters the church every Sunday has to remove his hat during the Service. So I tell you no lie Reverend, I figured when he would go up for Communion sure I would steal the hat from his pew and leave without anyone even becoming aware it was missing,” said Jockser.

Rev. Peter smiled, “Well Jockser I am happy to note that you didn’t steal Mr Hall’s hat after all. What changed your mind?”

Jockser lowered his voice, “Well, after I heard yar sermon on them 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal Willie Hall’s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye Rev. Peter gave Jockser a big smile, “Yes I did talk in detail about the 8th commandment handed down by Moses and that moral imperative so often nowadays forgotten ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’. So am I to understand that based on my simple sermon you decided you would rather do without Mr Hall’s hat, thus saving yourself from being eternally tortured in Hell Fire?” Rev. Peter asked.

Jockser slowly shook his head. “Ah no, no, it wasn’t like that Reverend, after ya talked about the 9th commandment, ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, sure then didn’t I remembered where I had left me hat.”

Minister Mary M. O’Connor To Send Op-Eds To Regional Papers Again

Minister for Jobs, Enterprise and Innovation Ms Mary Mitchell O’Connor will most certainly want articles and pictures taken of her at last years ploughing championships to be most definitely sent once again to all Tipperary rural newspapers, after the announcement yesterday of over 200 job losses in Nenagh, Co Tipperary. Here once again she is being slammed over her complete failure to create even one job in rural Tipperary.

[Remember this is the same “Minister for Jobs Lady” who suggested that tax incentives be given to Irish people who ran out of this country to find employment; in an effort to encourage them to return home. If you are from Tipperary and are reasonably happy abroad, stay where you are folks, there is certainly nothing on the employment front for you in rural Tipperary. Watch ‘Leaders Questions’; sure even our TD’s are failing to turn up for work in Dáil Éireann at present.]

As Independent.ie made us aware, the Jobs Minister instructed her advisers, on September 22nd 2016 last, by email at 5.39am, sending them the first paragraph of a story that appeared in our own Tipperary Star newspaper.

Photo Ms Mary Mitchell O’Connor, courtesy Independent.ie

To quote Independent.ie “It stated that Fianna Fáil TD Jackie Cahill slammed the minister for continuing to allow a two-tier Ireland take hold.

He quoted jobs figures from the previous government, saying almost half of IDA-supported jobs were in the greater Dublin area.

Four minutes after sending her first email, Ms Mitchell O’Connor wrote to her advisers: “I want Op-Eds [comment articles] going into local papers all over country.” She added: “Get a pic of me at ploughing and with Kerrygold. Agri food, artisan food and farming will need to be referenced.”
A spokeswoman for the minister last night said that “following further discussion” it was decided that all communications with regional newspapers “would be done around the regional action plan for jobs”.

On a previous occasion, Ms Mitchell O’Connor sent her advisers a link to an RTÉ story headlined “Minister criticised over Roche job losses”. The job losses were in Clare, Fine Gael TD Joe Carey’s constituency, and he called on the minister to travel to the company’s HQ in Switzerland to try to save the jobs. Ms Mitchell O’Connor asked her advisers to get her contact details for the pharmaceutical firm’s boss in Co Clare and to get an update from the IDA on replacing the facility.

She also asked: “What about a trip to Swiss HQ?”

A spokeswoman confirmed that the minister didn’t travel to Switzerland as it became clear that Roche’s decision was final and such a trip “would not have changed the outcome”. She said last night that: “All regions have seen an increase in employment.”

No Minister O’Connor, “All regions have not seen an increase in employment.”

Where are the jobs promised prior to the last General Election, held on 26th February 2016?

We can confirm that the 1,432 jobs announced, highlighted and published in mid to late 2015, by former Tipperary Labour Minister Mr Alan Kelly, (700 for Nth Tipp. & 692 for Sth Tipp.), same promised employment prospects have not as yet materialised in 2017.