Thurles Information

“You know”, said Mikey Ryan, “I heard that a job seeking Cavan man, recently having migrated to Thurles, was watching morning Mass being livestreamed on Thurles.Info yesterday morning. Halfway through the Mass didn’t he spot the collection plate. They claim that the speed at which he hit the ‘Shut Down’ button of his PC, will most certainly be entered in next year’s Guinness Book of Records.”

Normally, we would be above taking advantage of ‘the slate’ in The Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles, but this particular Thursday we were sitting among the tall reeds, beside the river Suir, close to Lady’s Well, as local Gardaí searched for an unidentified individual, wearing a baseball cap and a Covid-19 mask, who had short changed and absconded with two bottles of a full-bodied white Chardonnay from Thurles Shopping Centre.

With one eye on the ‘River Walk’ and the other attempting to observe the crude removal of a cork from one of two wine bottles, I raised what I believe was a very pertinent question.

“Tell me Mikey”, said I, “What’s the story with this Covid-19 virus; is it going to get worse or is it going to fizzle out before the end of next week.”

Never having been a fully paid up member of the Irish Guild of Sommeliers; Mikey checked the River Walk once more, before handing me my bottle of white Chardonnay, complete with the bits of floating cork, before settling back in the shelter of the tall, damp reeds.

“I will explain it this way”, said Mikey. “I think it was the Autumn of 2018, that a group of Red American Indians, living on a reservation, asked their tribe’s young Witch Doctor if the winter was going to be very cold or would it be mild. Now living in a modern society this young tribal Witch Doctor had never truly learned the old secrets of prophesying long-range weather systems.

Looking at the sky, he admitted quietly to himself that he could not foretell the weather, but nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he informed his tribal council that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that all members, both braves and squaws, should go out collecting dry firewood, so as to be fully prepared.

After several days, the Witch Doctor had a brain wave, and whipping out his Samsung Galaxy A10 mobile phone, he rang Ms Evelyn Cusack at Met Éireann – the Irish Meteorological Service.

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” meteorologist Ms Cusack replied. So the Witch Doctor called his tribe’s council and informed them to collect even more dry timber.

A week later, the anxious Witch Doctor called Met Éireann again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?” he inquired.

“Yes,” Ms Josephine Prendergast at Met Éireann replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.” The Witch Doctor again called his tribe’s council, before ordering them to collect every scrap of dry timber they could find.

Two weeks later, worried about his job, he called Met Éireann again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” Assistant Director Dr. Sarah O’Reilly replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Witch Doctor enquired.
“You can be very sure”, the Assistant Director replied, “We here at Met Éireann know for a fact that this Autumn, tribal American Indians are accumulating the largest stockpile of dry fire wood ever collected.”

“Now does that answer your question” said Mikey.