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Thurles Humour

A woman and a baby were seated in the doctors surgery here in Thurles, Co. Tipperary. Both were waiting for the male doctor to arrive in, for the baby’s first 6 weeks examination.

When the doctor arrived, he began immediately to examine the baby. However, on checking the baby’s weight he became rather concerned and enquired if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Oh, Breast-fed”, the woman stated assuredly.

On informing her of his concerns he asked, “Perhaps you might strip down to your waist for me please”, said the doctor.

The woman quickly complied with his request.

The physician, first took her blood pressure, before gently squeezed both of her nipples, and then pressing and kneaded both of her ample breasts, briefly, in his efforts to give his now patient, a most professional and detailed examination.

Then motioning to her to get dressed again, the doctor stated “I fully understand why your baby is so under-weight; you don’t have any breast milk”.

“I fully agree with your diagnosis doctor”, said the woman, “but what has these facts got to do with the weight of the baby, I’m the baby’s grandmother.”

Prodigal Daughter Returns To Thurles After 10 Year Absence.

A Tipperary girl who had not been seen here in her home town of Thurles for well over 10 years, last week turned up out of the blue, before casually walking into her parents three roomed thatched cottage.

Her mother started to weep, while her father hugged her tightly before yelled loudly at her.

“Where have you been for the last 10 years?” “Why did you not write to us; no not even one line?” “Why didn’t you call?”. “Can you not understand what you put your mother and me through; we thought you were dead.”

“Cecilia Reclining” by Scottish water colour artist and illustrator Sir William Russell Flint.

The girl, now crying, replied, “Dad I was just too embarrassed to come home, you see dad, I became a prostitute.”

“You became what?” shouted her father, “Get yourself out of here, bringing further ignominy on this family; now go on out of here quickly, you shameless hussy!”

“You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family, so you are, and everything we slaved for in order to bring you up proper” wailed her distraught mother.

The girl blew her nose in a large silk handkerchief, then dried her eyes, then with a defiant shake of her head stated, “OK Daddy, as you wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious Julien Vard fur coat; the title deed to an eight bedroom mansion, plus a bank draft for €100,000.

“Maybe you would be good enough to give my little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible parked outside, is yours here are the keys. Oh and if you take a look in the glove compartment, you should find a life membership for the luxurious Adare Manor Golf Club“.

The girl then took a sharp intake of breath before continuing, “I take it you won’t be accepting my invitation for the whole family to spend St. Patrick’s weekend on board my new yacht, currently in dry dock in Antigua in the Caribbean.”

“Now tell me again what was it you said you had become?” said her father.

The girl burst into tears again, before stating under her breath “A prostitute Daddy, yes like it or not, a prostitute !”

“Oh! be Jasus” exclaimed the father, “Didn’t you scare me half to death daughter, sure I thought you said a protestant, now you come over here and give your old daddy another big hug to welcome you home”.

Political Poster At Monakeeba, Thurles, Co. Tipperary Survives “Storm Ellen”.

Tipperary Co. Council Fail Again In Enacting Litter Pollution Laws.

General Election Poster at Monakeeba, Thurles, Co. Tipperary survives “Storm Ellen”.
Picture G. Willoughby. [Photo taken 21st August, 2020]

As we stated earlier Tipperary County Councillors, particularly those responsible for the Templemore/Thurles Municipal District, don’t get out much any more; what with recovering from the mental anguish they suffered during their May 2019 local election campaign; then, just 11 months later, their fear of catching the Covid-19 virus, and now having to cancel foreign holidays; forced into “Staycation” in a roofless Éire. [Unless of course you are a patriotic Sinn Féin councillor.]

The 2020 Irish general election took place on Saturday February 8th, 2020 to elect members to the 33rd Dáil Éireann, latter the lower house of the Ireland’s parliament. [And despite 3 parties in charge getting lower]. The election was called following the dissolution of the 32nd Dáil, by Mr Michael Daniel Higgins, ninth President of Ireland; and at the request of the then Taoiseach, Mr Leo Varadkar, on January 14th, 2020.

Some 29 weeks have now passed since that General Election date.

There is a requirement for candidates who put themselves forward for General Elections, to remove all political posters; including any cable ties, within 7 days following any election. Failure to comply with such conditions constitutes an offence under section 19 of the Litter Pollution Act 1997 and the Electoral (Amendment) (No. 2) Act 2009.

The responsibility for the enforcement of this stated litter law, here in Co. Tipperary, lies solely with the local authority, which in this case is Tipperary County Council and Templemore / Thurles Municipal District.

Travelling to view and walk the “Double Ditch” some days ago, I came across a continuing offender of this particular Litter Pollution Act, namely the failed German Prof. Dr. Dolores Cahill, latter a member of the minor right-wing, hard Eurosceptic political party here in Ireland, which call themselves ‘The Irish Freedom Party’, or is it ‘Yellow Vest Movement’, (So difficult to know who is who any more what with face masks being worn).

We had already notified Tipperary Co. Council on March 1st of 2 posters abandoned by Prof. Cahill, who had taken the opportunity to further introduce herself by breaching stipulated time frames as to such election posters. [No we are not aware what penalties were enacted in the past, if any.]

So what are the penalties in place for breaches of the legislation governing election posters?

Any election posters in place before or after the stipulated time-frame is deemed to be in breach of the legislation are subject to an on-the-spot litter fine of €150 per week.

By our ageing calculator, Dr. Dolores Cahill this week owes €4,354.00 to Tipperary County Council or Templemore / Thurles Municipal District.
Will they collect, we ask, thus assisting with the wages of the individuals racing around checking who has recycling bins and no doubt advising on how to get a 3 seater couch into a green bin?

It would appear that Irish Independent politician and Teachta Dála Mr Mattie McGrath isn’t the only one ‘asleep on the job’.

Tipperary County Councillors Stress Over Japanese Knotweed

Tipperary County Councillors, particularly those responsible for the Templemore/Thurles Municipal District don’t get out much anymore; what with recovering from the mental anguish they suffered during their May 2019 local election campaign; then their fear of catching the Covid-19 virus just 11 months later and now having to cancel foreign holidays; forced to instead, spend time on ‘Staycation; during their pending 2020 summer holidays here in boring old Éire.

Possibly because of the coronavirus, no councillors have been answering their emails, since election time. Possibly because, as you our readers will be well aware, computers carry the corona virus and numerous other viruses and malicious malware.

Of course, nowadays, local councillors and even politicians require a hell of a lot more education than what was needed in the past.
In a Tipperary media report, Tipperary Councillor and little known botanist, Mr Kieran Bourke, informed the monthly meeting of the Council, that Japanese Knotweed continues to be a “vast problem” down Carrick-on-Suir way, South of the county.

Pictured L-R. Japanese Knotweed used to camouflage fly-tipping – One failed attempt to assassinate Japanese Knotweed.
Pictures G. Willoughby

We learn that a contractor working on behalf of the Tipperary Local Authority, over the last four years, has eradicated this plant on sites listed for treatment. [Well not all exactly eradicated all, as just one picture shown above will attest.]

We learn that Transport Infrastructure Ireland (TII) has allocated funding of €11,000 to the Tipperary Co. Council in April 2020, all part of the 2020 Invasive Alien Plant Species plan. We are aware that some 17 sites on national routes around Co. Tipperary were not fully eradicated, despite receiving treatment, between the years 2016 and December 2019, with some now demonstrating signs of re-growth. [Here is one of the few occupations where personnel can get paid consistently for failure. One other occupatin being elected as a Municipal District councillor.]

While we are not aware of what botanical scientific studies, if any, has ever been undertaken by Cllr. Bourke, we would like to highlight recent qualified research, same undertaken by Principal Ecologist Dr. Mark Fennell, latter employed at the engineering firm AECOM.

As part of many years of research, Dr. Fennell’s team looked closely for evidence of the threat by Japanese Knotweed. His team surveyed information supplied by invasive species control contractors and property surveyors and had access to residential properties where Japanese knotweed was known to have been located.

His findings and that of his research team had “found nothing to suggest that Japanese knotweed causes significant damage to buildings – even when it is growing in close proximity and certainly no more damage than caused by other species”.

Dr. Fennell further confirmed that fears regarding Knotweed growing through concrete were not borne out by any real evidence. “It would break the laws of physics if it could grow through concrete, and it absolutely cannot do that. What it can do is grow through cracks in concrete, but it can’t cause those same cracks.

Tipperary County Councillors stressed out, worrying about the growth of Japanese Knotweed, can now relax on holiday. Here in Thurles local residences use this plant very successfully to hide redundant vacuum cleaners and fridge freezers, dumping same in early spring to avoid detection. [See picture above.]

While Tipperary Co. Council, through their Department of the Environment, foolishly continue to waste money using employees to call, checking on homes in the hope that they may find people who have no recycling bins; those people with these bins tell Thurles.Info that worn-out 3 seater leather couches; armchairs of various descriptions; burnt out lawn mower engines and fridge freezers don’t actually fit into any of their green waste bin. The result is inevitably, with the lack of a Recycling /Waste Civic Amenity Site, local fly-tipping will takes place, latter encouraged by Tipperary Co. Council’s inability to solve a simple basic problem.

WEEE collection days in Tipperary postponed due to COVID-19 virus.

We noted Free WEEE Collection Days scheduled for May 2020 were postponed due to the COVID-19 virus until further notice. Free disposal was offered at Civic Amenity Sites on Friday’s from 8:30am – 4:30pm and for a half day on Saturdays.
Note these Civic Amenity Sites were named as Nenagh Civic Amenity; Roscrea Civic Amenity; Tipperary: Donohill Civic Amenity; Cashel: Waller’s Lot Civic Amenity; Clonmel: Carrigeen Civic Amenity.

Wait a minute: Question: “Where is the Thurles: Civic Amenity?” Answer: “There is no Civic Amenity in Thurles”. Haven’t we told you that time and time again.

Tomorrow morning, as usual TippFM radio will grant locally elected reps; community activists; politicians, etc. speaking time on matters which they believe will give the impression that they are working for the good of their community. Time now to ask the Question, “Who is holding up efforts to provide a Waste Civic Amenity here in Thurles”. Time now to ‘name and shame‘ those involved.

Meanwhile Tipperary County Council plan to spend €48,000 or €12,000 in each one of the four Tipperary Municipal District this year to attempt to eradicate this non-native plant.

Could we not use the control methods used in Victorian times? Could the council not purchase Nanny goats, latter who love and trive eating Japanese Knotweed? The ‘Resveratrol’, found afterwards in the goat’s milk could possibly assist in aiding cholesterol, blood pressure, cancer, heart disease, age-related cognitive decline and many other health conditions which this plant can help.

Mikey Ryan Debates Covid-19 Related Issues

“I suppose you have no casual unconfirmed reports about any of our local residents?” said Mikey Ryan whom I found social distancing from a thunder shower, in the foyer of Thurles Shopping Centre last Friday.

Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles, Co. Tipperary.

“What do you mean”, said I.

“Gossip”, said Mikey, “any local gossip.”

“Not a lot”, said I, “but I was just thinking, I bet you a pound to a penny that there will be a few more businesses closing in Liberty Square, before this covid-19 virus pandemic is sorted out”.

“Well so long as the Arch Bar stays the course, personally I couldn’t give a tinkers curse about the rest”, said Mikey.

“Well I suppose you heard”, said I, “Big Dick Roache the Thurles Town park flasher has decided to retire”.
“Ah no, he’ll probably stick it out for another year, said Mikey, “sure he’s barely gone the 65”.

“Right,” said I, “Well listen, talking about flashers; did you see the online video footage of that European Parliament Member Luke ‘Ming’ Flanagan trouserless, scratching his arse? Could that be considered as flashing and could he be arrested when he returns to his Midlands–North-West constituency, I wonder?”

“Not a chance”, said Mikey, “scratching their arses is all that Irish European Parliament Members are expected to actually do over in Brussels”.

But to be fair, all politicians”, continued Mikey, “have been seriously affected by this Covid-19 virus cocooning lark. Most of them are suffering from panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and phobias. Look at Tipperary Labour Party leader Alan Kelly, (AK 47) suffering from delusions; convinced that he is being “listened too” by the present Fine Gael caretaker government. Now, as you yourself will be aware the chances of that scenario ever materialising is slim, having about the same chance as obtaining Kerry Gold butter from a skunks behind, using a red-hot knitting needle”.

“And then” continued Mikey, “Take a look at that Independent Senator Lynn Ruane one; another flasher, who went into a supermarket wearing only her bra and a sarong”.

“Never heard of Senator Lynn Ruane, but, if I remember correctly that word ‘Sarong’ means ‘a string’. I wonder was it binder twine or shop cord she was wearing?” said I.

“Don’t know”, said Mikey, “but it appears sarongs are some sort of attire normally worn at the seaside. To be honest Lidl Supermarket in Tallaght, Co. Dublin is a fair distance from Dublin Bay.”

“Ah yes”, said I licking my lips, “I remember well, back in the sixties every restaurant worth its salt, used to sell Dublin Bay Prawns, with Lemon and Garlic, whether they came from Dublin Bay or not. Well that was before the Ringsend wastewater treatment plant put these juicy King Prawns on a select diet of raw sewage”.

“Talking about Lidl Supermarket”, said I, “do you think that same is where all the Tipperary drug dealers are buying their digital weighing scales? You might possibly have noticed Mikey that after every drugs raid here in Tipperary, there is always a weighing scales that is seized. I often wonder what will the Minister for justice Charles Flanagan eventually do with all those seized weighing devices?

“Jasus don’t mention scales in front of ‘her in doors’ for God sake” said Mikey, “it was about 5 years ago that I forgot her Christmas present. She warned me then that on January 1st, she would expect a gift to be in the driveway that went from 0 to 200 in six seconds and that nothing less would be acceptable. On January 1st, she woke up to see a gift-wrapped box in our driveway. On rushing down she located, amid the tissue and red Xmas ribbon, a brand-new bathroom scales. I spent the next two weeks in Limerick University Hospital’s department of Neurology, being treated for a suspected skull fracture, brain damage and numerous severe lacerations to the head.

“Listen Mikey”, said I, “That reminds me, I’d better be heading for home. Between ourselves, I have a couple of grand in black economy cash, hidden from Revenue, out in our coal shed and a full carton of black market ‘Old Holborn’ tobacco sitting in the kitchen press. Now if in conjunction with the wife’s weighing scales, same are collectively located, it could result in an embarrassing court appearance.”