The Great Thurles, Co. Tipperary, Sign Heist.

Have Our Road Signs Been Abducted By Aliens, Or Have They Simply Given Up On The Council?

Breaking News From Thurles – A Town Where, Having Seen The River Suir, even the Road Signs have decided they’ve had enough and emigrated!

Seriously, take a good look at the three photographs. Notice anything missing? That’s right. The signs! Gone! Vanished! Disappeared without so much as a farewell note! And all apparently happening under the watchful gaze of Thurles Municipal District officials, our elected councillors and political representatives.

Well, perhaps watchful is stretching things a little. Having conducted an entirely imaginary investigation, we can now reveal several highly plausible explanations for this extraordinary outbreak of disappearing signage.

**The confusing Car Park Sign that lasted only a few weeks on Cathedral Street, while pointing into the River Suir. Same now has, to use military terminology, *‘deserted its post’*.**

Theory Number One: The Signs Have Applied For Asylum In Clonmel town.
Apparently, after years of standing around waiting for someone in authority to notice them, [VIEW HERE], the signs finally decided they’d have a better chance of being recognised as missing persons rather than as public infrastructure. One was reportedly last seen heading towards Cashel, carrying a small suitcase and muttering, “I’m not standing around here for another five-year Tipperary development plan!”

Theory Number Two: They Have Been Recruited By The County Council’s New Invisible Infrastructure Department.
This revolutionary initiative will reportedly provide invisible signs, imaginary road markings, disappearing footpaths and traffic management systems based entirely on positive thinking. The benefits here are enormous. No cleaning, no maintenance, no painting and, most importantly, nothing for the councillors and politicians to have their photographs and videos taken beside!

Meanwhile, this kerb shown on Kickham Street, continues to carry out its duties without supervision, while enthusiastically offering passing motorists a complimentary wheel alignment, a tyre inspection and suspension test.
**The metal pole remains standing proudly, presumably awaiting a council meeting to decide whether the missing sign is actually missing.**

Theory Number Three: The Signs Were Removed For An Official Photo Opportunity.
Unfortunately, there were so many politicians hoping to stand beside them that the signs couldn’t fit into the photograph. The signs were therefore asked to move out of the way. They haven’t been seen since.

Theory Number Four: The Signs Have Formed A Trade Union.
Following an emergency meeting behind a hedge, and like the recent 300,000 public-sector workers, Thurles road signs allegedly voted unanimously to withdraw their services. Their demands reportedly include regular maintenance, respectable working conditions and an assurance that somebody in the Municipal District actually knows where they are supposed to be pointing. Negotiations have stalled because nobody can find the signs to negotiate with.

Theory Number Five: Aliens Have Abducted Them.
This is currently our favourite explanation. A flying saucer supposedly landed outside Thurles, near Ballinahow, and its extraterrestrial occupants began collecting signs as souvenirs. When asked why they hadn’t abducted any local politicians, the aliens allegedly replied: “We’ve searched the entire galaxy, but we simply don’t have the technology to deal with that level of local confusion!”

One theory suggests that the missing sign above, which once gave directions to Holycross, has entered the Witness Protection Programme and is now directing traffic anonymously somewhere outside Nenagh.

Theory Number Six: The Signs Have Been Sent To A Committee.
This is by far the most worrying possibility. They may now be sitting in a council filing cabinet, awaiting a feasibility study, or like our River Suir, an environmental assessment, a public consultation, a budget allocation via Mr Michael Lowry’s office from Mr Kevin “Boxer” Moran, a working-group recommendation and seventeen motions of congratulations. By the time the signs return, the roads themselves may have retired.

And What Of Our Elected Representatives?
Surely this is an ideal opportunity for an emergency meeting! An emergency meeting to establish a subcommittee. The subcommittee could then commission a report to determine whether the missing signs are actually missing or merely temporarily absent from their previously designated geographical locations.
A further report could then establish whether replacing a missing sign constitutes a new project, an ongoing project or a project requiring a ceremonial ribbon-cutting. Naturally, there would have to be photographs. Yes, lots of photographs. Perhaps even a photograph of councillors pointing enthusiastically at the very spot where a sign used to be.

The Real Mystery?
Thurles has previously had public concerns raised about missing and inadequate road signage in January 2022, [VIEW HERE]. Yet here we are, still discussing signs that should hardly require the combined investigative resources of Interpol, NASA, the FBI and the Vatican, to account for same. At this rate, visitors to Thurles may soon require a compass, a treasure map and divine intervention, just to find their way around.
Now, should anyone locate the missing signs, please don’t return them immediately. First, establish a committee, arrange a public consultation, apply for funding and invite seventeen people in suits to unveil them.
After all, in Thurles, a sign may disappear without anyone noticing, but you can be certain its replacement will need an official launch!

Meanwhile, the long-suffering residents have just one request; Will somebody please give our Municipal District officials and politicians a sign, preferably one measuring six feet by four feet, bearing the words “Wake up; you’re supposed to be looking after the place!”

Satire, of course. All explanations above are entirely fictional.
Unfortunately, the serious question of adequate signage and public accountability is NOT.