Thurles Information

“Long time no see, Mikey”, said I, “Where have you been hiding yourself for the last three months?”
I had just entered the Arch Bar in Liberty Square, Thurles, to find my friend, Mikey Ryan, sitting in his brown stained overcoat, with both elbows stretched along the counter top; his two hands cupping a pint glass of Guinness.

“Herself had me confined to barracks since I lost me job”, replied Mikey. “I wonder, do you think Tánaiste Simon Harris has ever tried to keep a fractious wife and 5 kids on €244.00 a week?

“A very good question,” said I.

“Anyway, I suppose you are still continuing to verbally abuse the Thurles Municipal District (TMD) council officials”, said Mikey, “but now that I see you in person, let me correct you on some of your complaints. You do a lot of giving out about crooked traffic signs and posts; narrow streets; blaming HGV for breaking railings; excessive potholes on our streets and poor planning. Tell me now, are you aware of the complex concept of global warming?

Hoping to bring a smile to Mikey’s downcast face, I stated, “I’m not a great believer in global warming but I think I’m warming up to that theory; but then again, I myself don’t have a carbon footprint, since I drive everywhere”.

Mikey was having none of it. “Well do you realise that everything you are foolishly and tediously prating about, are forcing TMD officials, to leave the sanctity of their normally irreproachable office desks, to follow up, in silence i might add, the queries raised by you? Mikey replied. “To my mind everything you prattle on about is caused simply by global warming. Irish temperatures have risen by 2° Celsius, causing metal posts, their attached warning signs; traffic indicators and Redipave traffic island bollards, to simply melt and vanish without trace. There is nothing our TMD administrators can do, so we better learn to live with it”, he further added.

A silent, but knowing sideways glance and a quick side to side head shake from the proprietor Pat Hayes, was enough for me to attempt to change the course of the present conversation.

“So, what has you in here so early this evening Mikey”, said I.

“Strictly between ourselves”, said Mikey, “I got this pressing call to attend at “The Brothers” this morning from the Principal’s clerk. After escorting the young lad to his class, I was to learn that one of the teachers, affectionally known as “Mr Killer“, (a known psychopath my son would later inform me), had posed what he called a ‘straightforward challenge’ to my young lads english class.
Said he, “Can anyone give me a rhyming sentence or two, containing the word ‘pistol’?”.

“That young lad of the Brown’s, Jimmy I think his name is,” continued Mikey, “He is supposedly a bright buck; sure you see him scurrying around most days with his index finger stuck up his nostrils, picking his nose. Well Jimmy quickly raised a hand and declared “My daddy is a soldier. He has a suit of blue. He has a sword and bayonet, and he has a pistol too.”
“Having thanked the young lad for his quick reply; Mr Killer (or whatever his name is), was about to move on, when my second eldest intervened”. Mikey queried with a proud knowing nod of his head, “Sure you must remember our Cristiano, he takes after myself. Didn’t he quickly chime in “Sir, my father isn’t a soldier. He doesn’t have a suit of blue. He draws his dole at half-past nine, then he’s on the piss ’till two!”.
“I tell you this my man”, said Mikey, “The disparaging remarks made by that School Principal, regarding my failures as a parent, fairly hit below the belt. Truth is, had I known I was going to be so verbally abused this morning; and had I been still in full employment, I’d have taken the day off.”

“Right so”, said I, anxious at this stage to make a hasty exit “I’m in a hurry this evening Mikey. Got a visitor calling to the house. Sure we will, no doubt, talk later. Give us a 6 pack of Guinness Pat and I’ll be off home.”

“Certainly”, said Pat, “And then I’m heading to lie down in a darkened room, as soon as my barman comes back.”