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It is mid-day and an Aer Lingus Airbus A380 is on its way from Heathrow to Shannon Airport when a blonde “Teachta Dála” (Deputy to the Irish Parliament) seated in Economy Class (not representing Thurles I hasten to add) gets up and moves her seat to the First Class section.
A flight attendant catches her making the move and immediately asks to see her ticket.
She then informs her blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seating.
The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m a TD and I should not be asked to sit with the ordinary commoners in Economy Class. I’m going to Shannon and I’m refusing to move!”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo TD type sitting in First Class who properly belongs seated in Economy Class and who is refusing to move back to her correct and allotted seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the TD and tries to explain that, because she has only paid for Economy, she is only entitled to travel in Economy and she will have to return to her original seat immediately.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m a TD, I’m going to Shannon, I deserve to sit here and I’m not moving to sit with ordinary commoners!”
Exasperated, the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest the blonde TD, who refuses to listen to basic reason.
“You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde, so I speak blonde fluently!”
The pilot goes back to the blonde TD and smiling he whispers into her ear, and she says, “Oh I’m so terribly sorry – I had no idea thank you so much”, then gets up rather embarrassed and quickly moves back to her seat in Economy Class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and questioned him as to what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, ‘I just told her that First Class isn’t landing in Shannon until next week’.
 HQ Nightclub Thurles A man goes to Molly’s Bar in HQ Nightclub with his Labrador dog last Friday night.
The barman says “You can’t bring that dog in here!”
The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
“Oh god,” the barman says, “I’m sorry, here, your first drinks’s on me.”
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks into Molly’s with a Chihuahua on a lead.
The first guys sees him, stops him and whispers “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell the bar man it’s a seeing-eye dog.”
The second man graciously thanks him and continues to the bar.
The barman says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”
The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The barman says, “No, I don’t think so. They don’t usually use Chihuahua as seeing-eye dogs.”
The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?!, the National Council for the Blind gave me a Chihuahua!”
Later that night:
Another customer drinking in Molly’s Bar sees a friend at a table, drinking all alone.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My poor mother died in August and I’m depressed” he said, “She left me €50,000.”
“That’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died suddenly, leaving me the house and €150,000.”
“Wow, two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“Then last month my favourite aunt died, and left me €15,000.”
“That’s three close family members lost in three months, now that is so sad.”
“And this month,” continued the friend, “Not one solitary miserable penny!”
 The Government has announced plans for the National Asset Management Agency (NAMA), which will operate as an independent commercial entity under the aegis of the National Treasury Management Agency.
This initiative will require new legislation and the Government intends to enact, God willing, the National Asset Management Agency Act by October 2009, if still in power.
But how will NAMA work I hear you say?
How NAMA Will Work Explained
Well just follow carefully this simple case study, which we present in an uncomplicated form hereunder and all will be immediately revealed.
First close your eyes and imagine it is September, the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness. In Thurles the town shops are deserted and yes it’s raining again. Times are tough and every business owner is lying with one shoulder propped against the paint chipped door post of his ‘Best Value’ establishment. He desperately scans the grey horizon eagerly searching his inward eye to find some form of leadership. He, or she indeed, has so far survived this recession living by juggling VISA, Next Millennium Mastercard, American Express, and Chase Freedom credit cards.
Suddenly weary hearts are lifted by the rare sight of a tourist parking his Mercedes Benz (E Class Coupe) in Liberty Square. All heads watch in eager anticipation as the occupant enters the local hostelry (that’s a hotel to you and me). Now peering discreetly (as one often does) through the rain splattered windows, they observe this tourist place a €100 note on the Hotel reception counter, asserting his right to go upstairs and inspect the bedrooms currently on offer, before finally booking his accommodation.
Once the Tourist is out of sight, a determined hotel proprietor quickly grabs the €100 Euro note in sweaty hands and races out to pay the local butcher for a consignment of streaky rashers, long since digested.
The butcher, in turn, tightly grasping this €100 note, runs to pay his debt to the local pig farmer who has been threatening him with legal action.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note, and runs to pay his debt to the local Co-Op for animal feed and diesel fuel (not mixed).
The Co-Operative owner takes the €100 note and rushes out to pay his crack cocaine supplier thus avoiding the awaited visit from a couple of “the boys” hell bent on breaking both his legs.
The cocaine supplier sends one of “his boys” back to the hotel to pay a final demand received in respect of unpaid conferencing facilities which he had been goaded into sponsoring, by some out of the way branch of Ográ FF.
The hotel proprietor then quickly straightens the crinkles out of the €100 note and lays it back on the reception counter, eagerly awaiting the foreign tourist’s return with his receptionist (latter also his valued Wedding Cordinator) from upstairs.
The tourist now comes back and picks up his €100 note and placing it firmly, once again, back in his wallet, stating that since the broadband is so slow, he is forced to seek alternative lodgings and drives off, heading in the general direction of Baile Átha Cliath (that’s Dublin). He was heard muttering something about the Derrynaflan Chalice not on show to the public, where it ought to be, together with further inaudible noises which appeared to insinuate, according to Paddy Ryan, that the local water supply could be contaminated. John swears he overheard something about ‘toxic assets’.
So to further analyse this case study, note no business had made a profit, however, these Thurles business people are now without debt for another month, and will continue to look to the future with hope, self-confidence and their chance to vote on the Lisbon Treaty.
Well hopefully, at least the brightest of you readers can now sleep in the knowledge that you fully understand how the present Irish Government intends to carry on its day to day business over the coming months and years.
Me, well I’m off to finish reading a script relating to Article 6(2) of the Treaty On European Union, on the Accession of the Union to the European Convention on the Protection of Human Rights and Fundamental Freedoms.
I have a feeling that it could come in handy soon.
 None of the 1,000 motorists, in Ireland, summoned to court for failing to pay M50 tolls have contested their case. The vast majority of drivers have decided against engaging in a legal battle with the National Roads Authority over fines for failing to pay a €3 toll for using the motorway.
However this information begs the question: How many false claims have been made against motorists by BetEire Flow Ltd, appointed by the National Roads Authority to manage the barrier tolling system?
Answer: No one knows and worse still, it seems no one cares.
Based on personal experience and the experience of numerous garages in Co.Tipperary you do not have to be on the M50 to receive a Standard Toll Request (STR) in accordance with section 64950 of the Roads Act 1993 to 2007. It would seem the machinery used by Eflow on this stretch of Toll Road to track offenders, is far from accurate. Well it’s that or the staff used to operate this system need to pay a visit to Specsavers.
Recently, I received a Standard Toll Request (STR No 1080310700) demanding payment of €6 and threatening an additional charge of €41.50 if I failed to pay. The request for payment claimed my car was spotted Southbound on the M50 at 18:32:07, on the 7th July 2009. I raise my hands folks, I confess I have never been on this famous M50, ever, in my life time. Me, I prefer instead to travel on minor rural potholed roads, long forgotten by local Co. Councils and powerless public representatives.
Note: My car has never been stolen or loaned and although it has all the latest gadgets, it is not fitted with any special remote control facilities, so it can’t go for a drive on its own. Well that’s according to the manual which came attached. (Remember if at first you don’t succeed always read the manual.)
Incorrect Vehicle or already registered
Eflow is quick to advise those accused that if they did not make the journey they should contact LoCall 1890-50-10-50 to get the matter sorted. So the costs in phone calls and time, in getting it sorted out, are equal or greater than paying the actual fine of €6.
No I did not bother to call them, but if Eflow were to send me a postal order for €40, (That’s me hourly rate.) I will be happy to send them approximately 26 names and addresses of people who can honestly swear they were in the company of both me and my car, here in Thurles, at the time and date in question.
According to website www.eflow.ie/news/index.htm errors regarding registration are possibly caused by:
- The other vehicle having a broken, dirty or non-standard number plate.
- Poor weather conditions
- Mounting bolts obscuring letter or number details
These latter situations occurring, appear to gives Eflow’s staff, some sort of ‘Car-etic Licence’ to guess the registration plate of the offender, resulting in false accusations. It is not surprising therefore that the company appointed by the National Roads Authority to manage this barrier tolling system, is called, yes you have guessed it “ BetEire Flow Limited“. (Bet you got it wrong in my case.)
Under the barrier-free tolling system, motorists who choose the pay-as-you-go option must pay a €3 toll by 8pm the day after their journey is made.
If the deadline is missed, a €3 penalty is added and a further €41.50 penalty is added on if this is not paid within 14 days.
If the bill is not settled within 56 days, another €104.50 is levied and failure to pay this results in a summons being issued.
So it would appear if you want to avoid paying this toll, dirty your registration plates.
Now if Eflow persist with their false accusation, I can plead that my car was being driven by a member of An Garda Siochana, because interestingly enough Government Ministers cars driven by members of an Garda Siochana are exempt from these tolls under section 62 of the Roads Act 1993.
As people in Tipperary are by now aware, www.thurles.info is always on hand to help out in any emergency. For many months now we have waited for our Government Ministers at Cabinet to seek our help regarding this countries severe economic difficulties. But I suppose to be fair their time has been taken up with the Lisbon Treaty, Local and European Elections, election of local Town Mayors, not to mention those Green Party types in coalition etc,etc. We in Thurles are a forgiving race and fully understand their inactivity,dare I say slowness, in contacting us regarding a solution to this country’s economic difficulties and excuse them fully on the grounds of severe time constraints.
This put aside, and to show there is absolutely no ill-feeling, I now dare to provide our over worked politicians with our simple solution to these economic problems, which when implemented, will immediately put Ireland and all EU states on a more sound/secure footing, for at least another ten years.
Now please follow carefully what future history books will refer too as the “Thurles Accord”.
The Thurles Accord: (Better known as “A Plan To Wrestle The Irish Economy From The Tight Fists of Bankers, Property Speculators and Other Cute Hoers”.)
- Immediately cancel the gift of seven billion euros of tax payers money to Anglo Irish Bank who will only, no doubt, squander same on unearned bonuses, as done in previous years.
- There are about 1 million people employed, aged between 45 and 50 years of age, currently at work in this State. Pay each of them 7 million Euro of this money as severance pay, to take compulsory early retirement without pensions and medical cards for the over 70’s, with the following proviso. Upon receiving their seven million euros, each retired person is legally bound to comply with the following rules:-
- They MUST fully retire (No nixers or part-time occupations). Their departure from the work place will now create 1,000,000 new job openings and promotions. Unemployment problems will be wiped out over night.
- With this pay-off they MUST buy one house. This will generate further job creation within our State and solve all problems within the Building & Construction Industry.
- They MUST send their all their children to college/university, for further education. Drug and other related crime will now be halved. The market place will be over populated with Medical Consultants and Lawyers, who will in turn buy BMW‘s and begin working for the HSE and the Court system, accepting more realistic fees in order to earn the right to work.
- They MUST buy at least one new car. One million cars will now go into immediate production. Current problems within the Irish Automobile sector and the European Car manufacturing industry will be solved over night.
- They MUST buy alcohol/tobacco to the value of €100 each week. Revenue generated will ensure the Government will now get their seven billion euros back through various duty/tax etc and life expectancy will be reduced bringing down the cost to the State of contributory old age pensions.
- TD’s and Senators should (to be fair and show full respect due to those who have given their lives in the service of our country) be given first priority when implementing any such severance package.
Note: I herewith renounce all /any rights to claim any consultancy fee’s in respect of the adoption of this very simple solution by the Government , to our current problem.
Should the Government find they still have a small shortfall and more finance is needed, simply request that all Ministers, TD’s and Senators immediately pay back all immorally claimed allowances and expenses obtained no doubt through error.
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