Thurles Information

Let’s be honest, for a couple, living in a two roomed apartment, it can be difficult at the best of times. Now add one 8 year old son to this company and other problems arise. One problem of course is the difficulty a couple, living in such circumstances, can experience when it comes to getting some, shall we say, “Intimate Time,” together.

Paddy and Mary believed they had their particular problem solved. They simply sent their young 8 year old son, Malcolm, out on the balcony to chew a Mars Bar, asking him to report loudly on all of the street activities he could observed below him.

One Sunday afternoon their biddable son, Malcolm, began his afternoon commentary from the first floor balcony, as his parents went about “putting their plans into operation.”

Malcolm began as usual with his loud commentary.
“There’s a car being towed away from the car park.” he shouted.
“An ambulance has just driven off taking old Mrs Walsh to hospital again.”
“Looks like the Pattersons are having visitors to tea.” he called out.
“I see Matthew Pollard is riding a new bike.”
“Looks like the Fitzgeralds are moving house.” he remarked
“There goes John Hassett past, on his skate board.” he continued.

There was silence for a moment and then Malcolm announced loudly, “The Ryans are having intimate time in their bedroom.”
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know that Malcolm?”

“Jimmy Ryan is standing out on his balcony chewing a Mars Bar.” replied Malcolm.

Paddy goes to Shannon Doc here in Thurles, with ‘bottom,’ problems.
“Doctor, it’s me behind. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look at it, if yar wood.”

Realising the man is obviously suffering some discomfort and anxious to sort the problem out quickly, the doctor asks him to remove his trousers and begins his examination.

After a short silence the doctor gasps. “This is most unusual Paddy,” he says, “But there is a €20.00 note lodged in your anal triangle of perineum, in between the right and left ischioanal fossa.”
“Doctor you just git it out of dare qick.” says Paddy.

Using a surgical tweezers the doctor gently eases the €20.00 note out of Paddy’s posterior, but then, surprise, the edge of €10.00 note appears. “This is amazing!” exclaims the Doctor. “What do you want me to do?”

“Well fur goodness shake don’t stand dare, teyke it out man!” shrieks his patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and then another twenty appeared, and then a fifty and another, and another, and another and so it went on. Finally half an hour later the last note was successfully removed and following further in-dept examination, no further notes were found.

“Ah Doctor, tank ya koindly, dat’s muche batter, but just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?” The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says “Paddy, I make it €1,990 exactly, on the first count, will I recheck it?”

“No need, dat’d be rite den,” says Paddy. “Sure I just knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.”

Have a laugh, we are all back to work tomorrow.

An elderly Irish farmer, named Johnny, had an accident with a truck and now some months later was suing the owner for damages. In court the truck owner’s hot-shot Solicitor was questioning Johnny.

Solicitor: ‘Now didn’t you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, ‘quote “I’m fine,”?

Johnny: “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Lulu, into the…”

Solicitor: “I didn’t ask for any details, just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer at the scene of the accident, quote “I’m fine!”?

Johnny: “Well, I had just got Lulu into the trailer and I was driving down the road…..”

The solicitor interrupted again and said: “Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident this man told the police that he was fine. Now several months after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Johnny’s answer and said to the solicitor: “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow Lulu.”

Johnny thanked the Judge and proceeded: “Well as I was saying, Your Honour, I had just loaded Lulu, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge truck came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Lulu was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Lulu moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident happened, a policeman in a squad car turned up. He could hear Lulu moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After he looked at her and saw her serious condition, he took a gun out of his car and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said “How badly are you hurt?”  

Now, Your Honour, all things being considered, what the hell would you have said?”