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 “You are going to be down to a trickle,” promises Fine Gael’s Phil Hogan. One question being asked in Thurles this evening; “Is Phil Hogan the second Fine Gael Minister to breach Irish Data Protection this week?” This question has come about following his indiscreet announcement yesterday, which exposed in advance, intimate details regarding the cost of water charges, to this countries rain-soaked and miserable water sodden taxpayers.
Same final details were agreed only officially at lunchtime today, despite same being ‘leaked’ (no pun intended) in advance by Phil who was adamant that his colleagues in Labour had a major part to play in its introduction. It had been three weeks since a Cabinet meeting had supposedly ended in disarray, with no deal what-so-ever on the shape of the water charges to be implemented, being agreed. But then maybe our Phil was just ‘testing the water,’ (again no pun intended).
Water Charge Tax for adult family of 7 people to exceed €700 annually or about €13.50 per week regardless of who is in paid employment.
Anyway, as Phil told us yesterday, it is now agreed by Fine Gael and Labour today that the threatened ‘Standing Water Charges’ are being abolished, the average bill will remain at around €240 a year and every household is getting a free allowance linked to the number of children under 18 living in each household. This latter allowance will help to make up for the cuts made by Labour in recent budgets affecting Children’s Allowances. (With 7 adults residing in my house at weekends – mainly home to get their laundry washed – all paying water charges in their own right – should I now charge them a two-day admission charge at the door, prior to entry?)
This thoughtful government outfit has also been more than generous with regard to the disabled, the pensioners, those suffering certain medical card conditions and carers who will all get an extra free allowance on top of this charge, roughly valued at €100 a year, to be assembled from the social welfare budget which they also cut in recent budgets – this gift further proof (as if it was needed) that this country is now in full-scale recovery mode.
This Fine Gael and Labour government will also give a free gift of 30,000 litres of water per household per year, in the knowledge that the average household in Ireland use 140,000 litres of water a year, based on 2.7 people living in a house.
As my headline above suggests, our Phil is no plumber. He suggests, in his usual affable way, that those who refuse to pay water charges will see their water pressure turned down to a trickle, so I’m off to my builders providers tomorrow to get a couple of extra storage tanks for the roof. Sure at night the water pressure is bound to increase due to lack of usage, filling my extra tanks without Phil’s knowledge and allowing me to waste as much water as possible the following day.
One wonders now, with only a trickle of water coming through our household water system, will we need extra Home Insurance for our electric showers or will this Fine Gael and Labour government compensate us when our electric shower element burn out?
Then again here is a perfect opportunity to create local employment. Fill up all those nice neat round holes, designed for water metres, with a shovel of ready-mix concrete; sure someone will have to dig them out again with a Kango hammer. OK, don’t all yell, it was just a thought solely in the interests of reducing unemployment and getting this country back on its feet again.
Good Lord, as a law-abiding citizen myself, far be it from me to go encouraging anyone to break Irish law, particularly causing hurt to one of the largest money wasting quangos (Irish Water) ever set up in this country, I hope you understand.
I wonder who will get my vote in the Local & European election on May 23rd next.
 My mate Paddy will never forget that St Patrick’s day, back in 1975. He was just aged 26 and I suppose if you asked me as a friend to describe his character, I would have to say; he is smart, reasonably good looking, a bit fond of the drink, but very good humoured; the sort of a guy any girl could bring home to meet the mother.
His then girlfriend Mary and himself had been dating at this time for well over a year, and indeed it was while on one of his famous drinking sessions that she had somehow cajoled him into a marriage proposal.
To be fair, it was while slightly intoxicated that Paddy had agreed in principal to this suggestion, however, on later more sober reflection he had admitted to me, privately that she might not be exactly his woman of final choice.
Now Paddy’s prospective little sister-in-law Ann was a totally different matter and he had often traded in the idea that she might be more suited to his, shall we say, active attentions.
Ann was only twenty-two, and always wore very tight seductive mini-skirts, same more suggestive of a broad belt, normally worn around the waist. Her choice of tight low-cut blouses, too, always reminded him of a trip he had taken that previous summer, to view that most scenic of areas in Tipperary, The Glen of Aherlow. Ann, so he claimed, would regularly appear and often bend down when he was near her. Images of that aforementioned picturesque valley nestling between Slievenamuck on one side and the Galtee Mountains on the other, with those sixteen miles of unspoilt countryside affording some of the most breathtaking scenery imaginable, would immediately flash upon his inner eye. Sure as Paddy stated often, with obvious regret after that forth pint on a Saturday night; “She never carried on like that when she was hanging around anyone else, only me.”
On that particular fateful St Patrick’s afternoon back in 1975, just after a feed of his mothers bacon and cabbage, Paddy got a call. Out of the blue the lovely Ann phoned him, asking would he come over to check out the new wedding invitations that Mary had purchased. Ann was alone when he arrived and he was barely in the front door when she cuddled up close to him on the sofa. Then she began whispering to him that she had been entertaining, for some time, certain feelings and uncontrolled desires, if you understand, latter which she could no longer restrain. She told him that she wanted him just once, before he got married and became more fully committed to her older sister Mary.
Well, Paddy as you could imagine was in total shock and completely tongue tied. In the now hanging, deafening silence that followed, Ann began trailing her long pointed finger nails under Paddy’s close shaven chin. She began whispering in a quiet, yet breezy voice, words to the effect; “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom to slip into something more comfortable Paddy. Now if you want one last, mad, wild and final fling, well just come up in five minutes and give me a call.”
A stunned and shocked Paddy remained frozen to the spot, as he watched her slowly and teasingly ascend the wooden staircase. He was held there for a moment, her perfume still in his nostrils. Then summing up strength he never knew he possessed, he turned and bolted, making a beeline straight for the front door. On opening the door, he headed straight towards his old Volkswagen car.
As he fumbled with his car keys, there from the corner of his eye he suddenly caught a glimpse of movements emerging from behind some evergreen Golden Privet. When he fully focused, to his surprise there stood his entire future family; the Mother and Father-in-law and his soon to be wife Mary, all standing outside, all smiling and clapping their hands.
Paddy tried to control his heavy breathing and his rosy complexion of previous seconds now began to drain to a whiter more paler colour.
With tears in his eyes, Paddy’s soon to be father-in-law came forward and hugged him stated; “We are very happy that you have passed our test of honour. Mary’s mother and I couldn’t ask for a more faithful man for our daughter. Welcome, welcome to our family Paddy.”
As Paddy said to me, over a pint in Skehan’s Pub last night, the moral of that story is: “Always store your condoms in your car.”
A very happy St Patrick’s weekend to all our readers.
 It has been confirmed that the counting of votes for the newly unified Tipperary County Council elections will be held for the first time in Thurles.
County election executives have decided to hold the count for the five electoral areas in the Presentation Convent, Cathedral Street, in Thurles. Previously the counting of votes in respect of both North Riding and South Riding Tipperary were held jointly in the towns of Nenagh and Clonmel respectively.
Ballot papers for the European elections will be checked and forwarded to the regional centre in Cork for inclusion in the Ireland South Constituency.
This venue is seen as ideal for purpose, since Thurles Town is situated centrally in this shortly to be amalgamated county authority area.
The tourism group Hidden Tipperary, under the Chairmanship of Mr Tom Noone, had recently highlighted the need for Thurles town to be viewed / identified, by both Local and National Government, as an existing central location, especially with regard to the availability of public services.
It is expected that up to 90 staff should be employed on the day to count the votes for this new 40 seat county authority, however it is expected that the ‘usual suspects’ will be rounded up to undertake this electoral task, namely retired Bank officials, Teachers, Gardaí, Civil Servants and their respective wives, latter also already in receipt of generous pensions from the Irish State.
However if you are currently unemployed, we suggest that you contact the Court Registrar, Nelson Street, Clonmel, Co Tipperary, Tel: 052-6129183, (Mr. Gerard Connolly Office Manager) and register yourself as being available to participate in this “Nice little earner.”
Note: At any possible future interview, be positive and point out that you are aware that our present Government is a “Caring Government” and devoted to “Taking care of the vulnerable and less well off in our society.”
Lament On The Absence Of The Thurles Clothesline.
(Author Unknown)
The clothesline was a news forecast to the neighbours passing bye. There were no secrets you could keep when clothes hung out to dry.
It also was a friendly link for the neighbours always knew, if company had stopped on bye, to spend the night with you.
For then they’d see those “fancy sheets,” that towel upon the line; they’d see that “special table cloth,” with its elaborate design.
This line announced a baby’s birth from the folks who lived inside, as brand new infant clothes were hung, so carefully with pride.
The ages of their children too, could so readily be known, by watching how their sizes changed; you’d know how much they’d grown.
It also told when illness struck, as extra sheets were hung; your nightclothes and a bathrobe too, when irregularly were strung.
It also said, “On holidays now,” when lines swung limp and bare. It told, “We’re back,” when full lines sagged, with not an inch to spare.
New folks in town were scorned upon, if their wash was dull and grey; as neighbours carefully raised their brows, then turned their eyes away.
But clotheslines now are of the past, for dryers make work much less. Sure now what goes on inside a house, is anybody’s guess.
Ah sure I really miss that way of life; it was a friendly sign, when neighbours knew each other best, by what hung upon their line.
Shortly after the Ryanair flight had reached its correct cruising altitude, during yesterday’s extremely high winds, the Flight Captain’s voice came calmly over the plane’s intercom system.
 Plane blown over by hurricane winds in Shannon yesterday “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome aboard Ryanair Flight 101, non-stop from Shannon to New York.
The weather ahead will be somewhat turbulent over the next hour or so, but very soon we can expect to encounter a smoother and more uneventful flight. So do sit back, relax, and………OH… MY GOD!”
A short silence followed as lives flashed in front of the eyes of all seated passengers.
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom system announcing; “Ladies and Gentlemen, I must sincerely apologise if I scared you in any way. While I was talking to you, due to the present turbulence being experienced, a flight attendant accidentally spilled burning hot coffee into my lap. You should see the front of my pants at this moment in time!”
From the back of the plane, one Thurles passenger yelled out, “For the luvva sweet Jaysus Sir …… you should see the back of mine.”
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