Thurles Information

The ancient concrete seams of Thurles courthouse were bursting yesterday, as unemployed locals packed in to watch the trial of recent resident Mr Pakie Redmond.

Following intense Garda investigations, Mr Redmond had been arrested in the early hours of New Years Day, questioned and later charged with a double-homicide in the town.

Thurles Gardaí had been called out last month, following the gruesome discovery by Mrs Mary Ryan (Dick) while chasing an itinerant nanny goat. The goat, she testified during the hearing yesterday had decided to trespass unto her property, possibly desiring a change in diet. From her kitchen window she had observed the goat had set about chewing the legs of her only remaining pair of red flannelette drawers, which it had located dangling on her clothesline.

In the chase that followed Mrs Ryan had fallen, disturbing a thin layer of freshly dug earth, and finding herself face to face with one of two bodies later found by Gardaí, buried in a shallow grave, close to the Yellow Lough area of Thurles town.

Having been charged before a special court in Nenagh, the judge had remanded Mr Pakie Redmond in custody; to appear before Thurles District Court on the 18th January 2016.

From a local perspective, very few people were acquainted with Mr Pakie Redmond, but it was often whispered by local gossips that were he ever to purchase a residents in Elm Street, the antagonist Fred “Freddy” Krueger would have immediately sold up and moved elsewhere; whatever that implied.

Those lucky enough to gain access to the interior of the Courtroom all rose to their feet, as the Judge entered. Settling herself in on the judges cushioned bench, she stared at the  defendant in the dock.

“Mr Pakie Redmond, you currently reside at Mill Road, Thurles, Co. Tipperary, is that correct?”, asked the Judge. Pakie nodded. “Mr Redmond, you stand here today charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer or other blunt instrument”, she continued in stern tones.

An excited voice from the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You feckin bastard!”.  The presiding Judge glared at the packed courtroom for a few moments, then following a return to silence amongst those gathered, she turned her attention once again to the defendant.

The Judge continued; “Mr Redmond you also stand charged that on the same day or on a date close to that date you did carry out the similar heinous crime of beating your mother-in-law to death, also using a hammer or other blunt instrument. How do you plead?”

Before Pakie could answer either ‘Guilty’ or ‘Innocent’, the voice in the back of the courtroom rang out again, “You rotten feckin bastard!”

The presiding Judge stopped abruptly and pointing to one individual, who later identified himself as Mr Mick McDonald, who was seated in the back of the courtroom. She demanded that he immediately stand up.

“Sir,” said the Judge, “I can understand your anger and frustration at these outrageous criminal charges, but I must insist that there be no further outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt for this Court. Is that fully understood?”

Mick, head bent and now in a standing position apologised; “I’m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that asshole, and every time I asked to borrow his lousy hammer, he said he didn’t own one.”

The case against Mr Pakie Redmond continues in Thurles District Courthouse tomorrow.

Central Thurles

The proprietor of a local licensed hostelry here in Thurles was so sure that his bartender was the strongest man in the county, that he offered a standing €5,000 bet to anyone who could defeat him.

His wager featured around his bartender being able to squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass. He would then hand the squeezed lemon to any challenging patron, defying them to squeeze even one single drop of juice out of the same lemon. Many people had tried to win the bet over the years: Weight Lifters, Truck Drivers, Hell’s Angels, Cavan Men, latter known to keep a fork in their sugar bowl, even WWE Professional Wrestlers, who all tried their luck, but all to no avail.

Then last week a scrawny little excuse for a man arrived into the bar, wearing black rimmed, thick glasses; a polyester suit and carrying a polished, black briefcase. In a commanding squeaky voice he challenged the busy bar man, stating, “Sir, I’d like to take on your €5,000 challenge, please.”

After the expected bout of boisterous laughter from local patrons had died down, a grinning bartender said “OK”.  Grabbing a lemon, he squeezed it in his monster fist, before handing the dried out, crumpled, remains of pith and rind to his scrawny challenger.

The laughter of assembled lunch time patrons suddenly turned to a deafening silence, when, to their amazement, the scrawny man clenched his fist around the squashed lemon, forcing six drops of lemon juice to splatter unto the well polished, shiny bar counter.

The crowds mood turned to cheering as the bartender, somewhat reluctantly paid across the €5,000 in cash. Anxious now to find out more about this little man the defeated and somewhat embarrassed bartender asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or something?”

“Neither”, the scrawny, bespectacled little man replied, “I work in the VAT Section of the Irish Revenue Commissioners. I’m really here to examine your accounts.”