Thurles Information

By the end of this year almost every resident adult and school child in Ireland will know something about our 1916 Easter Rising in our efforts to gain Irish Independence.

But down here in rural Ireland amid all the ongoing 1916 commemorations, let us not forget the bravery by Thurles native and patriot, the late Paddy O’Connell, in the face of strong English interrogation.

Paddy had won every prize imaginable in the late 1990’s, at every charity driven pub quiz, not just here in Thurles, but also in the surrounding hamlets, latter today mostly inaccessible by road to those of us severely restricted by the use of the normal BMW and Lexus motor vehicles.

Hailed back in the late 1990’s as the most intelligent man in Tipperary, Paddy’s name was the most obvious choice then to be put forward to compete in the successful TV quiz shows; namely Larry Gogan’s ‘Just a Minute Quiz’ and Bunny Carr’s ‘Quicksilver’.

Paddy had reasonable success on both these shows; missing out however on a couple of what he called himself ‘deliberate trick questions’, e.g. “Name a bird with a long neck?” Paddy had replied “Naomi Cambell”, but alas the answer, which the adjudicators were seeking was “Ostrich”.

When asked by Bunny Carr “Where is the Taj Mahal?, his reply had been; “Opposite the Dental Hospital in Dublin.”  Latter while true, this answer, alas, was also rejected in favour of a place no one here in Thurles had ever eaten in; (some other Indian curry Take-Away joint I understand), supposedly situated on the Yamuna river in the Indian city of Agra.

Regardless of these obvious less than fair  explorations delved into by R.T.E. researchers seeking correct answers; it was then suggested, by the reigning Board of Tipperary Mensa, that Paddy O’Connell should perhaps try his hand, by entering for the ‘big one’ – none other than the English general knowledge quiz known as, “Mastermind.”

Despite his two previous public embarrassments, forced on him by misinformed R.T.E., researchers, he jumped at the chance of taking part and following a ‘whip-round’ by locals to assist in his travelling expenses, and later bolstered by his success in getting through the usual selection process; Paddy found cheap lodgings and waited to be summoned for his imminent high profile TV appearance.

Glued to the TV, everyone back home here in Thurles sat with sweating fingers crossed, as the ominous Mastermind theme music played, “Approaching Menace”, (by the British composer Neil Richardson), to open the quiz show.

It was a rather nervous Paddy that emerged from the highly intellectual group of contenders that night, gathered at Granada Studios. He placed himself proudly on the large, soft, black, leather office seat and tried to look comfortable. Suddenly the lights were dimmed and a blinding spotlight shone down, firmly illuminating a pale, strained face.

Magnus Magnusson began; “Your name is Paddy O’Connell and I understand you have chosen as your specialised subject this evening; “Irish History – 1900 to 2000.”
A focused Paddy, fully intent on winning the title, responded with a clarifying nod of the head and the words, “Yes Sir” in a strong voice, broke the air of the dimmed studio silence.

Aware of his time constraints, he leaned forward, mouth slightly open and with head turned slightly to the left, Paddy focused his brain while attempting to effect the clearest possible sound in his best ear.

“Very well” said Magnus, “Your first question Mr O’Connell and your two minutes starts now; –  In what year did the Easter Rising take Place?”
Paddy responded quickly; “Pass”

“Your second Question Mr O’Connell”  said Magnus, “Who was the Leader of the 1916 Easter Rising?”
Paddy again responded like lightening, “Pass.”

“OK” said Magnus, “How many days did the Easter Rising last?”
Paddy responded again like a greyhound let loose from his race trap, “Pass.”

Suddenly a voice shouted from the rear of the darkened studio, “Good man Paddy, hang in there and give those bloody English no information.”

The ancient concrete seams of Thurles courthouse were bursting yesterday, as unemployed locals packed in to watch the trial of recent resident Mr Pakie Redmond.

Following intense Garda investigations, Mr Redmond had been arrested in the early hours of New Years Day, questioned and later charged with a double-homicide in the town.

Thurles Gardaí had been called out last month, following the gruesome discovery by Mrs Mary Ryan (Dick) while chasing an itinerant nanny goat. The goat, she testified during the hearing yesterday had decided to trespass unto her property, possibly desiring a change in diet. From her kitchen window she had observed the goat had set about chewing the legs of her only remaining pair of red flannelette drawers, which it had located dangling on her clothesline.

In the chase that followed Mrs Ryan had fallen, disturbing a thin layer of freshly dug earth, and finding herself face to face with one of two bodies later found by Gardaí, buried in a shallow grave, close to the Yellow Lough area of Thurles town.

Having been charged before a special court in Nenagh, the judge had remanded Mr Pakie Redmond in custody; to appear before Thurles District Court on the 18th January 2016.

From a local perspective, very few people were acquainted with Mr Pakie Redmond, but it was often whispered by local gossips that were he ever to purchase a residents in Elm Street, the antagonist Fred “Freddy” Krueger would have immediately sold up and moved elsewhere; whatever that implied.

Those lucky enough to gain access to the interior of the Courtroom all rose to their feet, as the Judge entered. Settling herself in on the judges cushioned bench, she stared at the  defendant in the dock.

“Mr Pakie Redmond, you currently reside at Mill Road, Thurles, Co. Tipperary, is that correct?”, asked the Judge. Pakie nodded. “Mr Redmond, you stand here today charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer or other blunt instrument”, she continued in stern tones.

An excited voice from the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You feckin bastard!”.  The presiding Judge glared at the packed courtroom for a few moments, then following a return to silence amongst those gathered, she turned her attention once again to the defendant.

The Judge continued; “Mr Redmond you also stand charged that on the same day or on a date close to that date you did carry out the similar heinous crime of beating your mother-in-law to death, also using a hammer or other blunt instrument. How do you plead?”

Before Pakie could answer either ‘Guilty’ or ‘Innocent’, the voice in the back of the courtroom rang out again, “You rotten feckin bastard!”

The presiding Judge stopped abruptly and pointing to one individual, who later identified himself as Mr Mick McDonald, who was seated in the back of the courtroom. She demanded that he immediately stand up.

“Sir,” said the Judge, “I can understand your anger and frustration at these outrageous criminal charges, but I must insist that there be no further outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt for this Court. Is that fully understood?”

Mick, head bent and now in a standing position apologised; “I’m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that asshole, and every time I asked to borrow his lousy hammer, he said he didn’t own one.”

The case against Mr Pakie Redmond continues in Thurles District Courthouse tomorrow.