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 We were above in the Arch Bar, in Liberty Square, Thurles last night, trying to solve the world’s problems as we occasionally do. (For God’s sake don’t mention the two black eyes.)
“Give us two good pints there Pat, when you get a minute”, said I.
“Bejasus, the whole world went to the bad this week”, said Mikey Ryan, “First there was that tragic shooting in Florida. Just imagine you only have to be aged 18 to buy an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle in the USA, while you have to be aged 21 in the same country to buy a can of Coors Light, specially cooled in the Rocky Mountains, using Rocky Mountain spring water”.
“Then there were all those unfortunate film stars who came out complaining about being sexual harassed, as they climbed that rickety ladder of success”, he sympathetically stated.
Mikey ranted on, “And if that wasn’t bad enough Varadkar launches his spending splurge on infrastructure; The Dublin Development Plan – Project Dublin 2040.”
“It’s bloody peculiar all right”, said I. “Still wouldn’t it be great if President Trump came over golfing here to Co. Tipperary and recognised Thurles as Ireland’s Capital, instead of Dublin, just like he did with Tel Aviv and Jerusalem in Israel.
“Personally, I would be more worried for the farming community because of this feckin Brexit”, said I, “Sure God only knows what will happen into the future, if fears expressed by the Tipperary farming community are anyway accurate”.
“Oh, begod we needn’t worry”, said Mikey, “Sure farmers always have the ‘poor mouth’. A farmer over from Ballywinterrourkewood, in Co. Limerick was telling me, at Thurles Mart on Monday, that farmers; unlike heretofore, will be charging in future for every god dammed thing, in order to make sure that they can make ends meet and pay their overdue taxes”.
“And this claim”, confirmed Mikey, “Is further borne out by John Joe Brennan, who farms over in Holycross. He confided in me that a certain farmer over in Drombane (Actually ’twas Billy Moore, but no names – no court martial, if you know what I mean), knocked at his door just last week”.
Mikey continued; “His youngest lad, a boy aged 9, answered the half door”.
“Would your auld lad or auld one be at home?” asked our nameless dour faced, Drombane man.
“No, they went into Thurles town, there is a special 39 cent sale on milk, rhubarb and potatoes over in Aldi this week.” said the young lad.
“How about your brother, Ronaldo? Would he be around?” asked the visitor.
“No, sure he went with my auld lad and auld one, to get 10 slabs of cheap cider from Tesco”, replied the young lad.
Our now agitated Drombane visitor put the safety catch back on the Purdy ‘Over & Under’ shot gun and thought for a while, moving from one foot to the other like a cut cat; cursing under his breath.
“I know where all our farm implements are, if you want to rent something, or I can give me auld lad a message and get him to phone you”, volunteered the hardy nine-year-old.
“Well,” said the obviously annoyed Drombane farmer, “I was kinda hoping to talk to your auld lad up close and in person, like. You see it’s about that brother of yours, Ronaldo. He is after sticking my daughter, Coleen, up the proverbial”.
The nine-year-old thought for a brief moment; “Yes, you would have to talk to me auld lad about that. I know he charges €500 for the use of the Bull; €100 for the Boar, and €50 for the Billy Goat, but I don’t know how much he charges for me brother, Ronaldo.”
  
 Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles. I hear that Mikey Ryan is back in the wars again with the wife. I called into the Arch Bar, on Liberty Square in Thurles looking for him, but unusually for a Saturday, to no avail.
However, Pat the barman, with a knowing wink, said not to expect him out and about again for a few days.
I knew he had been forced to trade his building site for the Doctor’s surgery on Wednesday afternoon, two weeks ago. He was complaining of abdominal pain and bloating; symptoms rather akin to bad constipation.
On that same Wednesday night, however, he had informed me that the doctor had donned the plastic gloves and opened the lid on a new jar of Vaseline, before examining him carefully.
“Bend over the back of that desk chair”, said the Doc with a knowing nod. A somewhat embarrassed Mikey had obeyed and imagine his surprise, when the doctor hit him with 3 or 4 heavy wallops on his arse with a baseball bat, before rushing him into the bathroom.
When the relieved, (in every sense), patient eventually emerged out of the Khazi, Mikey informed his doctor that he now felt truly great and inquired as to what had caused this initial problem. The doctor then explained, (but not before folding away his €65.00 fee), that Mikey should, in future, cease wiping his arse with empty cement bags.
So that little problem surely wasn’t the reason for Mikey’s absence. Just then came a brief lull in the business and Pat called me over to explain quietly Mikey’s current predicament, making me swear to keep it under my hat and not to impart anything to a solitary soul. Well he knows I am the soul of discretion when it comes to the imparting of personal information.
Well, it seems that Thursday two weeks ago was pay day, so instead of going home, Mikey had stayed out from that Thursday until the following Sunday with a couple of his mates, which in turn resulted in the spending of his entire wage packet.
When he eventually appeared back home on the Sunday night, he was confronted by an angry wife and through a hail of saliva, he was tongue lashed, for nearly two hours with verbal condemnation truly befitting his most recent activity. Baring her teeth, she demanded to know, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
It seems Mikey had replied, “That would be fair enough with me.”
The result was that Monday had gone by and he didn’t see his wife; Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, according to Pat, the swelling had subsided just enough so that he could see her out of the corner of his left eye.
“You can give me a pint and a chaser, so”, said I
I was having a quite pint above in the Arch Bar Liberty Square, Thurles earlier this evening, contemplating my earlier visit to the Doctor. I had gone over to visited him in relation to my wife’s recent announcement that she was pregnant.
“Doctor”, said I, “there has been no intimacy of any kind between my wife and myself since St. Paddy’s Day 2014. Now she tells me she is pregnant; so how can that come about?
“Oh”, said the doctor, “your wife’s condition is what we in the medical field call a ‘Grudge Pregnancy’. It’s a quite common condition these day’s. To explain it the simplest way possible, obviously someone had it in for you.
I had left the doctor’s office now more confused than when I had entered and was quietly pondering his explanation, when suddenly there was Mikey.
“Wouldn’t you think”, said Mikey Ryan, squeezing in beside me at the bar counter.
“Think what”, said I.
“That they would have thrown a couple of shovels of tarmac in those twelve inch deep holes”, replied Mikey.
“What twelve inch deep holes are you talking about”, said I.
“Ah, you know the holes”, said Mikey annoyed at my obvious lack of civic observation, “the holes that are situated near where the raw sewerage has been flowing into the River Suir on Barry’s Bridge, for the past number of years”.
“Ah, now I have you”, said I, “those holes; but sure listen to me, those holes are on all the roads and streets around Thurles. Sure weren’t Tipperary Co. Council Councillors on TippFm Radio, last weekend saying that Transport Infrastructure Ireland were going to fix them over the next two years.”
“I wouldn’t put much faith in that”, said Mikey, “although I saw two fellows on the bridge wearing reflective jackets and crash helmets; one had an iron bar in his hand, making shapes last Monday morning.
“You know I once went for one of them engineering jobs with Tipperary County Council some years back”, continued Mikey. “There were two interviewers in suits and the one with the glasses asked me if I suffered from any allergies?” “Begod , yes sir, said I”, continued Mikey, “don’t I come out in a severe red raw rash if I drink tea or coffee”.
According to Mikey, the two suits then looked at each other strangely, before the fellow with the glasses wanted to know if I had ever travelled abroad.
Mikey swirled his last mouthful of beer around the bottom of his pint glass. “So,” he continued, “sure I proudly informed him about my sojourn in the Irish Army and my five year involvement as a UN Peace Keeper on the Syrian-Israel border.”
“Amazing”, said the guy with his top pocket full of pens, “were you ever injured?”
“Yes”, replied Mikey proudly, “Yes, a grenade exploded near my machine gun post and blew me into the air, resulting in the loss of both my testicles.”
Both interviewers looked at each other again, before announcing that the normal expected working hours, if he was to be a successful applicant, would be from 8.00am to 4.00pm, with an hour for lunch. “Now” said one of the suits, “if you are successful; in your particular case there is no need to start until 10.00am each day”.
“Sure, as you can imagine, I was confused”, said Mikey, “so I asked, if my hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why am I only starting two hours later than everyone else?” To which, according to Mikey, the one with the pens stated, that this was Tipperary County Council, and for the first two hours, every work morning, they normally stood around drinking tea and coffee and scratching their balls, so there would be no point in him coming in early to stand around idle.
“You know, I reckon that is why those feckin holes were never filled”, said Mikey with a knowing nod.
“Give us two more pints there Pat”, said I.
TV3 news made the perilous trip to the town of Tipperary in Co. Tipperary yesterday. Normally TV crews only appear occasionally in the county, to capture, digitally, and on video camera, Horse racing, GAA matches, or as Mikey Ryan interjected during our discussions in the Arch Bar Liberty Square, Thurles tonight; serious assaults carried out by those residing in quality social housing, provided by the Irish State, in our larger Irish cities.
“This scum arrives from places like Limerick and Dublin in fast, stolen cars, like the Viking hordes of old, gaining access into rural Tipperary homes, to raid, seriously assault, torture, and hold to ransom our children, our elderly pensioners, particularly those living alone.” said Mikey.
“By God, that TV3 crew were doing us a great favour today”, said I, “highlighting and hopefully demonstrating the failings by Tipperary Co. Council staff, Tipperary County Councillors and Transport Infrastructure Ireland (T.I.I.) “.
“Who the feck is this T.I.I. that elected Councillors fear so much”, queried Mikey; a look of confusion on his jaw.
“Sure, they are the Irish State agency responsible for all national road and public transport infrastructure”, says I, “wasn’t they established quietly back in 2015, by merging our former National Roads Authority and our Railway Procurement Agency. They were introduced by the former Minister for Transport, Tourism & Sport Mr Leo Varadkar; him that now runs our present Fine Gael minority government”.
“I wonder was it the T.I.I. the wife and I spotted before lunch on Thursday morning last, dodging speeding cars on the Cathedral / Kickham Street roundabout”, queried Mikey.
“I can’t confirm it was them”, said I, “but I can tell you, if it was the T.I.I., they are in serious financial difficulties, despite the 10% increase inflicted by Co. Councillors (without our permission), on our 2018 Tipperary Property Tax (T.P.T.) charges”.
“I don’t understand how you came to that feckin pecuniary conclusion”, said Mikey. “Isn’t is bloody obvious”, said I, “you go down to the Cathedral Street Car Park this Saturday morning; you know the place where people are required to fork out €1.20 per hour in order to go shopping. Now check the main entrance area, only the medium size holes are filled, obviously to simply save tar and stone chippings. Smaller holes and a very large road subsidence on the main thoroughfare itself has been totally ignored”.
“And do you think the lads undertaking last Thursdays work, will get paid for their product saving workmanship?”, asked Mikey.
“Of course, they will Mikey”, said I, “sure who is to know? County Engineers won’t be checking, local Councillors and TD’s won’t be checking, and remember tax payer’s wallets will, on demand and without question, always provide an endless supply of the old spondulux; unless of course you are an American multinational technology company called Apple Inc., head-quartered in Cupertino, California”.
“So, I wonder why did TV3 head down that perilous “Long Way to Tipperary,” asked Mikey.
That is a simple question to answer Mikey, me ‘auld segotia’, [latter vocabulary Dublin people will understand – meaning a term of endearment, good friend, mate, buddy, pal, rarely used beyond the Pale],“ said I, “sure to find a pothole you have to travel on a ‘wing and a prayer’ to Tipperary. Have you ever heard of a pothole or a gravel roadway like Barry’s Bridge, around O’Connell Street, Dublin; Donnybrook, Dublin 4, or the Westgate Business Park, Ballymount, Dublin 24.”
“Listen, I’m off Mikey”, said I, “now you be careful walking home, those bloody footpaths, heading up your way, are truly treacherous”.
So what country will you be visiting on the 17th. of March 2018, Patrick’s day?
While you are making your mind up; do be aware that just back yesterday from their 28-day Christmas holiday recess, government ministers are already planning for the ‘St. Patrick’s Day Weekend-Away’, courtesy of the ever-generous Irish taxpayer.
This year St. Patrick’s Day falls on a Saturday and a total of 35 countries will be visited as part of our annual political junket celebrations. Alas only mostly common backbenchers, yet again, to be found in the ‘place d’honneur’, seated on our parade viewing stands.
Taoiseach Mr Leo Varadkar will travel to the US where he will visit the US President Mr Donald Trump at the White House, while Tánaiste Mr Simon Coveney will lead a large delegation to China and Hong Kong. The Cathaoirleach of The Seanad, Mr Denis O’Donovan is off for a little skiing in Slovenia.
Minister for State for Housing Mr Damien English is set to view the medieval architecture of Poland, while junior Minister Mr Pat Breen is off to Bonny Wee Scotland, soon to be the next breakaway colony of GB.
Our Finance Minister Mr Paschal Donohoe is expected to travel to Argentina this year. (Check his luggage for cash boys; remember the Nazi Ratlines) with Education Minister Mr Richard Bruton taking a linguistics course in German.
Flights are booked to the USA for Attorney General Mr Seamus Wolfe, Minister Ms Heather Humphreys, Mr Michael Ring, Mr David Staunton, Mr Ciaran Cannon, Mr Michael D’Arcy, Mr Brendan Griffin, latter who is also expected to visit President D. Trumps ‘great wall’, from the Mexican side.
Communications Minister Mr Denis Naughten and Minister of State Mr Patrick O’Donovan will say hello to the thousands forced to flee from Ireland seeking a life over the past 8-10 years and now residing in Canada, while Children’s Minister Ms Katherine Zappone and Social Protection Minister Regina Doherty will savour the juice of this years ‘Vitis vinifera’ and ‘Petit Verdot’ grape, in Italy and France, respectively.
Culture Minister Ms Josepha Madigan will drop off in Norway and Sweden, parachuting along the way Junior Minister Ms Catherine Byrne into Denmark and Finland.
Housing Minister Mr Eoghan Murphy will be checking housing prices and rents in South Korea and Japan and Chief Whip Mr Joe McHugh can’t wait to examine how opposition party members end up being shot in Brazil.
Mr John Halligan, widely tipped to travel to North Korea, has instead been forced to present a bowl of Shamrock to the Queen of England.
Ms Mary Mitchell O’Connor will be tanning herself in the United Arab Emirates and Oman, and Minister Paul Kehoe will be checking out defences in Cyprus.
Minister of State for Disabilities is Mr Finian McGrath will be off to the Czech Republic, with Junior Minister for Agriculture Mr Andrew Doyle all set to examine the rice paddy field terraces of Vietnam.
Minister of State for Rural Affairs and Natural Resources Mr Sean Kyne is off to Switzerland to look at the profitability of manufacturing Cuckoo Clacks to boost rural job opportunities, with Minister of State for European Affairs Ms Helen McEntee being sent into nearby Austria and Slovakia, to dance the Vienna Waltz in the palaces of Schönbrunn and Hofburg.
Minister of State for the OPW Mr Kevin Boxer Moran, if he survives his visit to Tipperary next week, will study flooding and climate change in Kenya, and the Minister of State for Local Government and Electoral Reform Mr JP Phelan will study electoral reform in Singapore.
Minister of State for Older People Mr Jim Daly will travel to Australia and New Zealand, and the Ceann Comhairle Sean O’Fhearghail will travel to Croatia.
Who’s Minding the Shop?
So, who will be left minding the shop I hear you say? Fear not, yes once again our old stalwart Transport Minister Mr Shane Ross will remain on hand with the nuclear button on his desk, ready for use if necessary, should North Korea’s Mr Kim Jong-un get pissed off, with all this “greening of the world”.
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