“I’ll tell you something for nothing”, said Mikey Ryan, “what with all this Department of Health daily chit-chat about the Covid-19 pandemic, the only ones truly rubbing their hands together at this time are the cute whores manufacturing Soap and Sanitising Gel.
“True for you Mikey”, said I, “I swear to God, my hands have absorbed so much Sanitising Gel, Soap and Disinfectant over the last month, that when I attend to the call of nature, the wife no longer has to use any other antimicrobial agents to clean our toilet’s lime stained interior.
The Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles
Readers will understand that what with the Arch Bar in Liberty Square and every other pub in Thurles closed, Mikey and myself were cocooning amongst the tall grasses on the River Suir Walk, sharing a six pack of Mexican Corona Extra pale lager. Mickey had acquired same from the Thurles Shopping Centre using a reliable five finger discount card. [Those anti-virus face masks come in fierce handy when funds are low of a Tuesday].
As we lay back soaking up the warm Thurles April sunshine, Mikey expounded the difficulties he was experiencing cocooning. “The worst part of restricted movement is having to listen to the ‘fruit of my loins’, jabbering away like Black Howler monkeys in the Amazon Rainforest, said Mikey, “How many wives can a man have?” Mikey screeched, imitating his youngest who had asked the initial question. His daughter had replied, “Sixteen”, qualifying her answer with the misguided marital quote, “four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer. I cod you not, but education has taken a nosedive in this country, since McHugh took over” Mikey declared.
“Ah sure the whole world is gone to pot”, said I, “and I’m not for one minute suggesting that everyone is smoking marijuana”.
“True for you, the situation is getting dangerous alright”, said Mikey, “Do you realise that very soon and for the very first time since 1870, an estimated 8.68 million adherent Jehovah’s Witnesses are going to wake up some fine morning to the realisation that the rest of the world are actually sitting cocooned in their houses, waiting to answer the door bell”.
“My God, that could upset the current delicate balance of religious power here in Europe”, said I, rising to my feet in the secure realisation that ‘her in doors‘ would be on a knife edge, having waited for over two hours for me to bring back her 30 gram packet of Amber Leaf Blonde tobacco and her Rizla fag papers.
“Sure I have to be going myself” said Mikey, switching back on his mobile phone, “but understand this, if I am forced to quarantine for another two weeks with the wife, I can assure you there won’t be any coronavirus in her system that can be blamed on her death”.
Broken windows and empty hallways, A pale dead moon in a sky streaked with grey. Human kindness is overflowing, And I think it’s gonna rain today. Bright before me the signs implore me Help the needy and show them the way Human kindness is overflowing And I think it’s gonna rain today
Lyrics Randy Newman – Singer Neil Diamond.
First it was the Donegal Sinn Féin TD Mr Padraig Mac Loughlin on April 6th, sending back his almost €9,000 wage increase, to support Irish frontline healthcare workers, or so he claims.
Next it was Ms Amy Huberman; having hammered away for hours over her cast iron shoe last; she has already or is presently, giving away, free, 20 pairs of shoes from her latest manufactured collection, to Irish healthcare workers.
Then it was the great Rock Band U2, who admit to earning around €5 million a night from its concerts, donating two nights takings, possibly from their low-tax jurisdiction, based in the Netherlands; to buy personal protective equipment (PPE) for Irish frontline health care workers.
We are unsure of the actual shoe sizes on offer, or indeed how this major generosity will be split up between the 40,000 healthcare workers who signd up to fight the Coronavirus COVID-19 in Ireland.
However, not to be outdone, and having read all this accidently leaked details of generosity on offer, we here at Thurles.Info will not now be seen to be wanting, with regards to demonstrating our extreme generosity.
This said we have decided to send our thousands of daily readers, yes, on an “all expenses paid world tour”, starting this very night.
Pack your bags, as we now invite you to go on our VIRTUAL TOUR to visit some of the most amazing attractions in the World, each one linked hereunder.
“So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you”. Matthew 6:2
“You know”, said Mikey Ryan, “I heard that a job seeking Cavan man, recently having migrated to Thurles, was watching morning Mass being livestreamed on Thurles.Info yesterday morning. Halfway through the Mass didn’t he spot the collection plate. They claim that the speed at which he hit the ‘Shut Down’ button of his PC, will most certainly be entered in next year’s Guinness Book of Records.”
Normally, we would be above taking advantage of ‘the slate’ in The Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles, but this particular Thursday we were sitting among the tall reeds, beside the river Suir, close to Lady’s Well, as local Gardaí searched for an unidentified individual, wearing a baseball cap and a Covid-19 mask, who had short changed and absconded with two bottles of a full-bodied white Chardonnay from Thurles Shopping Centre.
With one eye on the ‘River Walk’ and the other attempting to observe the crude removal of a cork from one of two wine bottles, I raised what I believe was a very pertinent question.
“Tell me Mikey”, said I, “What’s the story with this Covid-19 virus; is it going to get worse or is it going to fizzle out before the end of next week.”
Never having been a fully paid up member of the Irish Guild of Sommeliers; Mikey checked the River Walk once more, before handing me my bottle of white Chardonnay, complete with the bits of floating cork, before settling back in the shelter of the tall, damp reeds.
“I will explain it this way”, said Mikey. “I think it was the Autumn of 2018, that a group of Red American Indians, living on a reservation, asked their tribe’s young Witch Doctor if the winter was going to be very cold or would it be mild. Now living in a modern society this young tribal Witch Doctor had never truly learned the old secrets of prophesying long-range weather systems.
Looking at the sky, he admitted quietly to himself that he could not foretell the weather, but nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he informed his tribal council that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that all members, both braves and squaws, should go out collecting dry firewood, so as to be fully prepared.
After several days, the Witch Doctor had a brain wave, and whipping out his Samsung Galaxy A10 mobile phone, he rang Ms Evelyn Cusack at Met Éireann – the Irish Meteorological Service.
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” meteorologist Ms Cusack replied. So the Witch Doctor called his tribe’s council and informed them to collect even more dry timber.
A week later, the anxious Witch Doctor called Met Éireann again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?” he inquired.
“Yes,” Ms Josephine Prendergast at Met Éireann replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.” The Witch Doctor again called his tribe’s council, before ordering them to collect every scrap of dry timber they could find.
Two weeks later, worried about his job, he called Met Éireann again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” “Absolutely,” Assistant Director Dr. Sarah O’Reilly replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.” “How can you be so sure?” the Witch Doctor enquired. “You can be very sure”, the Assistant Director replied, “We here at Met Éireann know for a fact that this Autumn, tribal American Indians are accumulating the largest stockpile of dry fire wood ever collected.”
What could be worse than Storm Jorge or catching the Coronavirus, tomorrow. In years gone by, tomorrow, February 29th was one day when men could find themselves in very great danger, spending their remaining days on this earth in that realm where slavery truly exists.
Here in Ireland, we have a long held tradition on February 29th, better known as Leap Day; for it is on this one and only day; that women become elevated and hold the right to propose marriage to a man.
Here in Ireland, legend has it that St. Brigid bitterly complained to St. Patrick that Irish women had to hang around far too long for their male partners to propose marriage. Following long and careful consideration St. Patrick finally agreed, thus yielding to her complaint and agreeing that women could have one day every four years to ’pop the question’.
However, as we know when you allow women, particularly the high maintenance variety, such high level normally male authority, nothing can be regarded as ‘simple plain sailing’, especially for any man who would dare to politely refuse the request of their lady friend.
Tradition has it that if a man refused the proposal of his female lover on a Leap Day then he has to buy her either a silk dress or a pair of silk gloves. [Now you know why Thurles retailers of female clothing remove “Sale on Here” signs from their shop windows, during the first fortnight in March. And, with the prices charged for a dress, sure maybe agreeing to marriage could end up cheaper than any refusal].
Of course there may be a more practical explanation on the origins of female Leap Day proposals. Marriages were not allowed to take place during the solemn religious observance of Lent, (Latter beginning Wednesday, 26th February – ending on Thursday, 9th April this year, 2020) and since the start of Lent comes around on the end of February, it was one way to guarantee that woman would not be ‘left completely on the shelf’ for a further 40 days and nights. [I am aware that Lent is a time for doing penance, and what greater act of self-abasement, mortification or devotion, I ask you, is than for a man to accept a proposal from a woman on Leap Day!]
You single men need to be careful out there tomorrow; don’t say you were not warned in advance.
More reading for elected Thurles Municipal District Councillors
It can be located in clear view on the junction of Collage Lane and Kickham Street, here in Thurles, Co Tipperary.
Collapsed drain cover at Kickham Street, Thurles, Co. Tipperary
This editor admits that he cannot be totally sure if the offending drain cover/grate; to be found at this above stated specified location, has assumed its bent posture, having been driven over once too often by heavy 18 wheeler traffic or is in fact of a special shape; same designed for the purpose of identifying cyclists who go about with no light on their bike.
One thing is for sure however, should this bent drain cover come into contact with the wheels of a bicycle and its unsuspecting rider; particularly after dark, expect the compensation claims against Thurles County Council to further increase.
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