Thurles Information

“I suppose you have no casual unconfirmed reports about any of our local residents?” said Mikey Ryan whom I found social distancing from a thunder shower, in the foyer of Thurles Shopping Centre last Friday.

“What do you mean”, said I.

“Gossip”, said Mikey, “any local gossip.”

“Not a lot”, said I, “but I was just thinking, I bet you a pound to a penny that there will be a few more businesses closing in Liberty Square, before this covid-19 virus pandemic is sorted out”.

“Well so long as the Arch Bar stays the course, personally I couldn’t give a tinkers curse about the rest”, said Mikey.

“Well I suppose you heard”, said I, “Big Dick Roache the Thurles Town park flasher has decided to retire”.
“Ah no, he’ll probably stick it out for another year, said Mikey, “sure he’s barely gone the 65”.

“Right,” said I, “Well listen, talking about flashers; did you see the online video footage of that European Parliament Member Luke ‘Ming’ Flanagan trouserless, scratching his arse? Could that be considered as flashing and could he be arrested when he returns to his Midlands–North-West constituency, I wonder?”

“Not a chance”, said Mikey, “scratching their arses is all that Irish European Parliament Members are expected to actually do over in Brussels”.

“But to be fair, all politicians”, continued Mikey, “have been seriously affected by this Covid-19 virus cocooning lark. Most of them are suffering from panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and phobias. Look at Tipperary Labour Party leader Alan Kelly, (AK 47) suffering from delusions; convinced that he is being “listened too” by the present Fine Gael caretaker government. Now, as you yourself will be aware the chances of that scenario ever materialising is slim, having about the same chance as obtaining Kerry Gold butter from a skunks behind, using a red-hot knitting needle”.

“And then” continued Mikey, “Take a look at that Independent Senator Lynn Ruane one; another flasher, who went into a supermarket wearing only her bra and a sarong”.

“Never heard of Senator Lynn Ruane, but, if I remember correctly that word ‘Sarong’ means ‘a string’. I wonder was it binder twine or shop cord she was wearing?” said I.

“Don’t know”, said Mikey, “but it appears sarongs are some sort of attire normally worn at the seaside. To be honest Lidl Supermarket in Tallaght, Co. Dublin is a fair distance from Dublin Bay.”

“Ah yes”, said I licking my lips, “I remember well, back in the sixties every restaurant worth its salt, used to sell Dublin Bay Prawns, with Lemon and Garlic, whether they came from Dublin Bay or not. Well that was before the Ringsend wastewater treatment plant put these juicy King Prawns on a select diet of raw sewage”.

“Talking about Lidl Supermarket”, said I, “do you think that same is where all the Tipperary drug dealers are buying their digital weighing scales? You might possibly have noticed Mikey that after every drugs raid here in Tipperary, there is always a weighing scales that is seized. I often wonder what will the Minister for justice Charles Flanagan eventually do with all those seized weighing devices?

“Jasus don’t mention scales in front of ‘her in doors’ for God sake” said Mikey, “it was about 5 years ago that I forgot her Christmas present. She warned me then that on January 1st, she would expect a gift to be in the driveway that went from 0 to 200 in six seconds and that nothing less would be acceptable. On January 1st, she woke up to see a gift-wrapped box in our driveway. On rushing down she located, amid the tissue and red Xmas ribbon, a brand-new bathroom scales. I spent the next two weeks in Limerick University Hospital’s department of Neurology, being treated for a suspected skull fracture, brain damage and numerous severe lacerations to the head.“

“Listen Mikey”, said I, “That reminds me, I’d better be heading for home. Between ourselves, I have a couple of grand in black economy cash, hidden from Revenue, out in our coal shed and a full carton of black market ‘Old Holborn’ tobacco sitting in the kitchen press. Now if in conjunction with the wife’s weighing scales, same are collectively located, it could result in an embarrassing court appearance.”