The whole thing kicked off in the Arch Bar in Thurles, Co. Tipperary last Friday night, when Mikey Ryan burst through the door looking like a man who’d just witnessed either a miracle or a tractor on fire.
“Lads,” he says, gasping for breath, “Tipperary County Council have given up.”
Now that got attention. Even Pat Hayes behind the bar stopped drying glasses.
“What d’ye mean given up?” says Pat.
“Gone altogether,” says Mikey. “No more speed limits.”
The pub fell silent. Jimmy Bourke slowly lowered his pint. “No…” says he in his usual languid manner of speaking turning his single syllables into multiple sounds.
“Oh yes,” says Mikey. “They’re replacing every speed sign in the county with signs saying: ‘SLOW DOWN – POTHOLES AHEAD.”
A woman at the corner table crossed herself.
Pat blinked twice. “Sure isn’t that just every road in Tipperary?”
“EXACTLY,” says Mikey, lowdly slapping the counter so hard that a bowl of peanuts nearly declared independence.
Apparently the Council realised there was no point changing from 80 km/h to 60 km/h when the average human spine couldn’t physically survive 40 km/h anyway.
Mikey claimed he saw three council workers outside Littleton removing a brand-new speed sign only four hours after initially installing it.
“One lad looked exhausted,” says Mikey. “Poor devil, a native of Co. Cork says; ‘What’s the point, bai? The road itself is enforcing the speed limit.”
And according to Mikey, the council has gone fully committed now. Outside Thurles there’s allegedly; a pothole deep enough to baptise a child; another has been classified by NASA as a “seasonal crater,” and one near Templetuohy village that is supposed to have swallowed a Nissan Micra and returned it as a Ford Focus.
“Jaysus,” says Jimmy.
“That’s nothing,” says Mikey. “A fella hit one outside Roscrea last week and it activated his airbags, windscreen wipers and Eircode and all at the same time.”
The Council, according to recent rumour, have now stopped measuring potholes in inches. They’re measuring them in sizes; “small dog,” – “washing machine,” and “possible entrance to the underworld.”
Meanwhile crews are driving around replacing all official speed signs. 80 km/h sign?Gone. 60 km/h sign? Gone. Now every road in Tipperary just has giant yellow signs reading: “SLOW DOWN – POTHOLES AHEAD”
Mikey says one poor tourist from Ukraine thought it was the county slogan, while another from Gaza asked if “Potholes Ahead” was a village near Cashel.
But the best story came from near The Ragg. Council workers arrived with cones, flashing lights, diggers, rollers and enough machinery to invade a small European nation.
Locals thought: “Grand. They’re finally fixing the road.” No, they installed six massive warning signs around a pothole before announcing that it was now “part of local Tipperary heritage.”
Another engineer apparently referred to it as, “Traffic calming infrastructure.”
At this point the pub was in ribbons laughing. Even the old lad asleep beside the fire woke up laughing and he hadn’t previously been conscious since the 2022 All-Ireland Final.
Mikey took a deep dramatic gulp of Guinness. “But wait till ye hear the newest plan.”
“Oh sweet suffering Jaysus,” muttered Pat.
“They’re thinking of renaming roads altogether,” announced Mikey
“What?” said Pat.
“Yeah. Instead of the N62 or the R498…”; He leaned in over the counter. “…they’ll just call them according to the size of the potholes.” Examples include: ‘The Shaky Mile’; ‘Axlebreaker Avenue’; ‘Suspension Lane’ and one outside Nenagh simply called, ‘Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
“And what about the speed vans?” an unknown someone asked.
“Cancelled,” says Mikey.
“Why so?”
“No car in Tipperary can physically reach speeding pace anymore,” said Mikey.
At this stage the entire pub was gone completely feral with laughter. Mikey drained the last of the pint, straightened himself proudly and delivered the final line, like a prophet descending from Slievenamon mountain itself; “Mark my words lads… within five years every road sign in Tipperary will simply say: ‘Best of Luck.”
This sign will work better than existing signs. Many drivers do not agree with the existing signs.
YOU DO NOT NEED POTHOLES FOR THE SIGN TO WORK AND SAVE LIVES