- Mikey Ryan discusses the new Trolley Tax and the Great Thurles Trolley Crisis.
- Cartastrophe: How We Are Wheeling Up Food Prices.
- Cart-Flation: How Abandoned Shopping Trolleys Are Undermining Tipperary’s Economy.
- Are Abandoned Trolleys Driving Up the Cost of Your Roast Beef?
I swear all I said to Mikey Ryan was that Seamus Hanafin’s Walkway, has once again returned to being an unkempt dump, strewn with Supermarket Trolleys and after all the public money wasted, it is like the River Suir, no longer maintained by Thurles Municipal District. But my statement was enough to get local man Mikey Ryan ‘Riled Up’.
Pic G. Willoughby.
“Economists, retailers, and the good people of Thurles may all be missing the obvious culprit behind Ireland’s stubbornly high food prices, the malefactor being those feckin humble shopping trolleys”, declared Mikey Ryan.
We were above in the Arch Bar, Liberty Square, last night, supping a few pints, when Mikey Ryan announced to all and sundry that he really should have applied to local councillors to support him for the position of President of Ireland; the election due to take place on October 24th, 2025.
“Sure I would get through the Presidential election nomination process without any bother, through reinventing the global climate agenda by simply expanding planetary consciousness regarding shopping trolleys”, said Mikey confidently.
“On paper”, inflation is blamed on everything from energy costs to global supply chains. But take a closer look at our rivers, hedgerows, and half-finished Liberty Square, and you’ll spot the real drain on our wallets; it’s supermarket trolleys gone rogue”, stated Mikey, who now had the ear of everyone present.
“A single 100-litre trolley, supplied by ROLLCAGE, costs €287.20. Add VAT and it rolls out at €353.26. There were twelve such trolleys in the immediate vicinity; six of which, up until yesterday, were enjoying a leisurely soak in the River Suir and another six still gathering moss along the route of the still-mythical Thurles Inner Relief Road”.
Mikey paused to wet his whistle, before announcing that the cost of same 12 trolleys came to €4,239.12 in missing hardware.
“That’s not just metal and wheels, folks. That’s the equivalent of: 2,400 loaves of bread (pre-inflation). 1,500 litres of milk (assuming the cows agree to cooperate), or, given the latest CSO figures, perhaps just two bags of shopping if you’re fond of butter, beef, and chocolate.” he continued.
“The CSO yesterday tells us food inflation reached 5.1% in August. Butter is up 18.3%, Beef 22.7%, Milk 12.4%, Chocolate 16.3%, Coffee 12.1%. Coincidence? Is every percentage point tied to a trolley floating belly-up in the Suir and other rivers around our emerald isle?”
Mickey stopped again to gulp down another mouthful.
In a room where you could hear a pin drop, Mikey continued,
“For one minute, let’s consider the supermarket boardroom’s conversation:-
Manager: “Profits are down this quarter Sir”.
Chairperson on the Board: “Why? “.
Manager: “Well, six of our €353 Euro trolleys are living in the river Suir and another half-dozen are auditioning as urban sculptures on the Thurles inner relief road“.
Chairperson: “Feck it, right so, put 20 cents on the price of milk and double it for butter. The cows won’t complain“.
“And so”, said Mikey, “here we see, for the first time, the introduction of the ‘Great Trolley Tax’, same being quietly passed on to every struggling, underprivileged household in the land” said Mikey, now in full verbal flow to his newly acquired audience.
He continued, “Some conspiracy theorists even whisper that these trolleys aren’t stolen at all, but strategically “misplaced” to justify current inflation. After all, nothing distracts the public like a shiny bit of stainless steel glinting in the sun beside the proposed inner relief road”.
“Good Lord”, said I, “So next time we’re standing in the supermarket queue, wincing at the cost of our Sunday roast, we should spare a thought for the twelve brave trolleys dumped in Thurles. They may look abandoned, but in truth, they are hard at work, driving up inflation”.
“True for you”, said Mikey, “and if you or anyone else happen to see a trolley making a slow escape toward the riverbank, don’t just hold your nose and grab it. You might not only be helping in the saving of this polluted River Suir, but end up shaving 2% off the price of your next packet of rashers”.
Leave a Reply