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Councillors Move To Prevent Sniper Attack In Thurles

Nearly 2,000 Gardaí are being drafted in for just one day, into Doonbeg Co. Clare, to protect a 400-acre property and its two owners. This one-day-event will cost the Irish tax payer nearly €11million Euro, when Defence Forces and local authority costs are taken into account.

Irish Army Ranger snipers backed up by elite Garda units will patrol the golf course itself.

US President Mr Donald Trump, aged 72, and his 49-year-old wife Mrs Melania Trump will arrive into Shannon Airport on the morning of Wednesday June 5th next and will meet with our Irish Taoiseach Mr Leo Varadkar at Shannon Airport, before heading to his Doonbeg hotel for a game of golf.

Meanwhile, Back Here In Thurles

Meanwhile, back here in Thurles, (according to our hidden cameras), two days prior to our local election, and for the first time in 5 years; staff employed by Tipperary Co. Council, bet down the wild marsh grasses and willow saplings on the river Suir near Barry’s Bridge. We understand that same were seen to pose a “Clear and Present Danger” to some outgoing councillors; latter who feared that snipers could hide, totally unseen, in the dense undergrowth, as same councillors paraded, grinning, around Liberty Square, totally unprotected and without a Garda in sight.

Would not this same €11million Euro have been better spent on a Ring Road for Thurles? This will be the burning question, here in Thurles Town, this morning; well it probably will be when everyone eventually wakens up.


Mikey Ryan’s Nephew To Run In Local Council Election

“It’s official, I can now formally announce to all that my nephew David, the sister’s eldest lad, has decided to run in the local Templemore / Thurles Municipal district elections, next Friday”, said Mikey Ryan.

We were above in the Arch Bar in Liberty Square, last night when Mikey broke the news, causing not a few patrons to cough into their gin and tonics.

“That’s the qualified electrician”, said I, “begod I thought he had emigrated, like everyone else, to America, Mikey.”

“You are indeed correct my friend” confirmed Mikey, “sure, he got ‘the start’ as an electrician with the US Prison Service over in Florida. Sad to say he got sacked during his first week. He refused to service the electrodes on their electric chair. Mind you, he would still claim that in his professional opinion that chair was a walking death trap if anyone sat on it. No, he is home again now, working the black economy, as an electrician, but hoping to fool enough people into giving him a job as a local councillor to earn that extra €17,000 plus expenses etc. for doing feck all.

“Well, you know”, said I “we the great oppressed people of Ireland are allowed, once every five years, to decide which particular county councillors we want to represent us; to suppress us even more. It’s an old tradition going back to the early 1900’s, demonstrating that democracy is alive and well in rural Ireland.

“You probably won’t believe this”, said Mikey in hushed tones,“but our David swears it’s true. He was out canvassing the other day and as he walked along the river walk at the back of Thurles Shopping Centre, didn’t he come across a lamp partially buried in the bank. He rooted the lamp out; gave it a rub to remove the slime. Then in the flash of an eye, didn’t a Genie appear, informing him that he had been granted one wish”.

Mikey went on to explain; “Knowing that the local elections were coming up, David thought long and hard for a minute, as indeed one would when found in the presence of a Genie. Wondering what would best benefit the town of Thurles; he eventually made a choice. I want to live forever he informed the Genie. No way said the Genie, Union Rules, only God is allowed to grant eternal life”.

Mikey continued, “OK, says our David, I’ll rephrase the text of that wish, I don’t want to die until after Thurles gets funding for that long-promised Ring Road and certainly not before Liberty Square gets its upgrade.

“Damn it, you’re a crafty little fecker“, said the Genie to David, before granting him his wish. Now surely that same shrewdness and cute-whorish activity is what’s needed in Tipperary politics today. I reckon he deserves my No.1″, continued Mikey.

” Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.”
Robert Frost

“Well it’s as I see it”, said I, “Thurles voters next Friday morning will stand like the poet Robert Frost did in his Yellow Wood; with one path leading to downright despair and utter hopelessness and the other path leading to total extinction. So, let’s hope we have the foresight to make the correct decision between the only two choices on offer.


Mikey Ryan Nearly Met Golfer Rory McIlroy

“You won’t believe it”, said Mikey Ryan, “but as true as Santa Clause, didn’t I run into Beyoncé Murphy over in Templemore about an hour ago. She swore she was crossing the local petrol station forecourt, just before I pulled in, and you will never guess who she met”.

“Give me a hint”, said I, “or better still surprise me”.

Now, to be quite honest and not wanting to be unkind, but had I realised Mikey Ryan would end up sitting in the next chair, having his hair and eyebrows cut in “Pat The Barber”; you know the place I mean, there beside the Suir, on Emmett Street, close to Barry’s Bridge and the bridge Castle; I would have cancelled that badly needed personal haircut until slightly later in the day.

“He came in driving this state-of-the-art Mercedes-Benz, into the petrol station she told me, and furthermore she confessed to nearly wetting her last pair of Calvin Klein thongs with the pure excitement of this encounter”, said Mikey, “Now go on, guess who it was?”.

“Well was it the Minister for Transport Shane Ross”, said I, “I heard he was down here closing shop on rural publicans”.

“No”, said Mikey “sure the Irish transport minister knows nothing about motor vehicles and even less about publicans, and according to what I hear, he never sat his driving test. No, you’ll never guess, it was the great Rory McIlroy, the golfer, heading for Thurles Golf Club“, said Mikey.

“Oh, you’re very welcome to Tipperary Mr McIlroy, says Beyoncé Murphy, in an excited squeaky voice, having recognised his fizzog from her flat screen television”, Mikey continued.

Now according to Beyoncé, Rory gave her the ‘twice over’, if you know what I mean, as he bent forward to grab his petrol nozzle. In doing so, two golf tees fell out of his shirt’s top pocket, onto the tarmac.” continued Mikey.

Now from what I knew myself about Miss Murphy, while she was well known in some ball playing circles, however her knowledge of sport could be best described as non-existent. But enough said and personally I wasn’t surprised when Mikey informed me that Beyoncé had asked “What are those two things for?”, as she quickly moved closer to assist with their recovery.

Mikey Continued, “They’re called tees” replies Rory McIlroy with a smile.

A curious and somewhat confused Beyoncé now asks, “Well, what on the God’s green earth would you be using them for Mr McIlroy?

“They’re for resting my balls on before I drive on the golf course,” replies Rory.

“Feckin Jaysus,”, says an enthralled Beyoncé, “Doesn’t Mercedes-Benz think of everything.”


Only A Storm In A Teacup

Tipperary County Council hopeful M/s Ciara McCormack, representing the Party of Protest (Sinn Fein) last Saturday, complained bitterly about individuals tearing down election posters. M/s McCormack claimed on TippFM this morning and wrote on her Facebook, quote; “Up to 60 of my election posters were deliberately torn down since we put them up. Somebody must be afraid of my message. Thanks for all the support and information I have received over the past few days, it has been overwhelming. The Gardaí and Tipperary County Council have been informed. If anyone else seen (The word is ‘SAW’ M/s McCormack, “If anyone else saw..” )anyone tampering with my posters please let me know.”

As a website administrator, totally supportive of hard working local Councillors, I immediately called in ‘The Boys’. Pulling down election posters is I believe grossly insouciant; even insensible for someone trying to obtain a five year contract, earning a mere crust of €16.500 (at least, plus travel and subsistance) per annum.

‘The Boys’ moved quickly to report back. It seems that those responsible for erecting M/s McCormack’s posters were somewhat inexperienced and naive in such matters; punching holes too close together, before inserting their sharp little white cable ties.

Look at it this way, as Mikey Ryan said to me today, “It could happen to a Bishop, and I have no doubt M/s McCormack will be as red faced as her new jacket, when she reads this; issuing sincere apologies left, right and centre to her electorate in Thurles and surrounding hamlets”.

Meanwhile, following M/s McCormack’s complaint to Gardaí, same are anxious to interview a lady named Hannah Storm, latter whom they believe is responsible for felling two trees near Barry’s Bridge, here in Thurles. To date no one has been arrested.

No, before you start sending me those emails and Facebook PM’s; M/s Hannah Storm is not the sister of that renowned singing star M/s Rebecca Storm. You know the lady, she sings that song, “The Winner Takes It All”.

Now get on about your business, in the certain knowledge that this sorry episode was itself only a mere “storm in a teacup”.

P.S. One of these posters can be located for inspection at the rear of Spaview Veterinary Office on Ikerrin Road, Thurles.


An Post & The Dead Horse Theory

So, it’s a certainty; An Post is moving to the shopping centre for definite; that’s despite the intervention from the most powerful in our community; namely the politicians, local councillors, those who would like to be local councillors and politicians and a disorientated, dying, Chamber of Commerce, all intent on riding a dead horse.

Together, however, they did have some success; mainly driving home a wedge; dividing Thurles town into two sections, instead of working to improve Liberty Square and Thurles Town as a single unit.

One wonders if the current 127 workers plus business proprietors / owners in the Thurles Shopping Centre, will now be rushing out to an upcoming local election, to vote for party’s like Fianna Fáil or the ‘Party of Protest’ (The Bully Party) and certain Independent representatives, all who attempted to directly affect very limited, local, yet available employment.

The Dead Horse Theory

The efforts undertaken by the “Save Our Square” [S.O.S.] committee had all the hallmarks of the “Dead Horse Theory”, so often attempted by Government TD’s and Local Councillors. Indeed, the tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, which has been passed down from generation to generation, clearly states, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse the best strategy is to immediately dismount”.

Ignoring the fact that Tipperary County Council, of which many of the S.O.S. committee are card carriers; same are solely responsible for the decline of Thurles town centre and other towns in Co. Tipperary, through the introduction of Parking Charges. Again, ignoring this logical, simple fact the “Save Our Square” committee choose to attempt a new strategy in their dealings with An Post, the now dead horse:-

(1) They bought a stronger whip. (2) Changed Riders. (3) Threatened the dead horse with termination. (4) Appointed a committee to study the horse. (5) Discussed the feasibility of sending councillors to foreign countries to see how other riders rode their dead horses. (6) Provided further additional funding to improve the dead horse’s performance through the introduction of a dodgy “Dead Horse acquisition and refurbishment fund”.

Now, with election votes dangerously reduced, this dead horse is most likely to be promoted to a supervisory post, enabling it to hire a replacement horse.

The solution to the Thurles town centre decline, which will correct this imbalance, is simple; call a halt to the payment of parking charges, before yet more businesses are forced out of our town centre.

Tipperary Co. Council built six social houses at Cabragh, Thurles, at a cost of some €370 thousand Euro each. We saw recently the Peter McVerry Trust acquiring 25 social houses for €5million through a generous donation made by the Dublin Capuchin Day Centre. Do your arithmetic folks; €5 million divided by 25 = €2 hundred thousand Euro. These units were purchased in Dublin and Kildare (the most expensive accommodation areas in Ireland). It is my opinion that Tipperary Co. Council are simply burning taxpayer’s money and frankly do not need parking charges to fund local government.

“Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”St. Mark Chapter 4. Verse 9.

More advice for ailing Local Councillors and Politicians in our next news bulletin.