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Mikey Ryan Seeks New Job Opportunities

Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles

“Any luck on the jobs front yet”, said I to Mikey Ryan last night. We were above in the Arch Bar in Liberty Square, Thurles, about to tackle into a Xmas pint and a whiskey chaser.

“Well, I suppose the true answer to your question is both ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to be honest”, replied Mikey.

“Well which is it, explain yourself more clearly”, says I.

“That short haired one, her that forever looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp, over in the Social Welfare office, accused me of; to use her own words, ‘failing to actively attempt to secure gainful employment’, before threatening to ‘remove my current benefits’.

So, what with Xmas on the doorstep and herself indoors making costly demands, I decided to call in to the local Sports Shop”, continued Mikey.

“Howya boss, lovely day”, said Mikey to the shop manager. “I’m wondering boss, would there be any chance of part time work going abegging during this festive season”.

“Listen here”, said the shop manager, “Don’t call me boss, in fact don’t call anyone boss. Instead go home and clean yourself up and then come back to me. May I suggest you shave; loose that paint splattered hoodie; the mud splattered runners and the grass stained shorts, and then and only then, subject to your ability to make sales, I might be able to assist”.

“So I goes home to undertake the obligatory three S’s”, said Mikey, “two of the latter being a ‘shower’ and a ‘shave’, and having donned the shirt, tie and suit, I arrives back to the shop”.

“Having conversed with herself and memorised the proper wording, necessary to impress a possible employer”, said Mikey, “I returned stating “Good afternoon sir, I was wondering would there be any employment vacancies in your shop, currently”.

The shop manager smiled, stating, “As it happens there are, but you look very familiar”.

“Why wouldn’t I”, said Mikey, “Sure wasn’t I in here looking for work only a couple of hours ago”.

“Oh, good God Almighty, yes, I remember you now”, said the shop manager, “You look better; well done. Why not start now today and let’s do a trial run. The next customer that comes in, I will serve them, you watch and I’ll show you how it’s done, then you can have a go and we’ll see how you get on.”

So, the first customer walks in, “Hi, I was looking for a quality tennis racket “, said the American.

The shop manager asked “Would that be for a grass court or a hard-court surface, Sir; you may not be aware, but there is a big difference in the type of racket you may require”.

The customer was impressed, “I didn’t know that!” he stated “It’s a Xmas present mostly for use by my daughter staying at my son’s town house, which has a grass court I believe”.

The shop manager points in the general direction of the required item now being sought, stating, “Ok then sir our grass court rackets are over there on that shelf, have a good look and make your choice”.

The customer having taken a decision, pays for it and thanking the shop manager, he exits the premises.

According to Mikey, the shop manager then looked at him stating, “Now you see how it’s done, here comes another customer, I’ll let you have a go”

” Good afternoon sir”, said Mikey, “How are you today, welcome to our shop and how can I be of service”.

A rather scruffy, muscular, sour faced, and heavily tattooed customer, with an obvious Dublin twang, eyed Mikey for a moment, before stating “How is it going, I am looking for a baseball bat”.

“No problem Sir”, said Mikey, “We have a large supply of bats. Would you be needing it for an upcoming funeral, a wedding perhaps, for drug-dealing protection or are you involved in some other related criminal activity?”.

“Now does that answer your question?” said Mikey, “Hired and fired I was within the space of 10 minutes.”

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