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General Election Is On The Cards

Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles.

“To quote William Shakespeare, from that play of his called Hamlet”, said Mikey Ryan, “there are more things in heaven and earth, George, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” 

We were above in the Arch Bar, in Liberty Square, Thurles and this answer was hardly what I was expecting, when I queried as to Mikey current marital set up, since I last related their problems last week.

“You know,” stated Mikey, who was getting close to having consumed ‘just the one too many’, “I often wonder why ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’ seems to translate as being the same thing?  Similarly, why do sky divers and kamikaze pilots actually bother their arse to wear crash helmets?”, he continued.

“Ah sure why is a pear called a pear when it is only one?” said I, “maybe sky divers and kamikaze pilots want to ensure their hair remains properly parted when they are eventually scraped up of the ground.”

“Yeah”, said Mikey, “maybe you are right, but when you think about it, isn’t the world a peculiar place all the same. As my mother used to say, “wearing an antenna on your head to a wedding, won’t make it a better Reception!”.

“True for you Mikey”, said I in a low voice, “one thing that confuses me, but of course you can’t discuss it publicly any more, (due to our ‘new shift’ in Irish culture) and that begs the question, why do women wear a ‘pair of panties’, yet only one bra?”. (Incidentally back in the 70’s the word ‘shift’ had a whole different meaning.)

“I was down in Cashel last week”, said Mikey, “and pulled into that 24 hours, 365 day a year petrol station, and you wouldn’t believe it but someone has gone and wasted money installing locks on all the doors. Actually now that I think of it maybe you can enlighten me as to how have Tipperary County Council managed to train wild deer to cross the road at that yellow triangular road sign, on the Dundrum Road?

“Ah sure if it’s Tipperary County Council are involved, forget it”, said I, sure elected Councillors and Council Management only last year raised the cost of cemetery burials, blaming it on the cost of living.”

“Mystery and more mystery,” said Mikey, “look, if nothing ever supposedly sticks to Teflon, how the feck do they make Teflon stick to the frying pan? And if the black box on a plane is so indestructible, why can’t they make the whole feckin plane out of the same material?

“I have no answer to that”, said I, “but I tell you this Mikey, I was up in Stakelums Home & Hardware on Racecourse Road last Black Friday to buy a television set; to discover that a set is now apparently only one. It’s true for Sinn Féin, this has been brought about solely by the election of a series of Fianna Fáil governments.

“True for you”, said Mikey “and when you were transporting it in your car it was called a ‘shipment’, but had you been transporting it by ship, would it not have been called a ‘cargo’?”

“Sure call Pat there and we’ll have one last one for the road,” said I, “remembering of course we can’t drink and drive, yet we will probably need our driver’s license to prove we are old enough to buy liquor.”

No lads, all joking aside, a General Election has to be on the cards.


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