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Thurles – I Have Been To Hell & Back

A Warm Coal FireI woke up just as the flickering red flames began to gently lick at my scalding toes. Perspiration was flooding from every sweat pore in my body, brought on by the intense heat.

On awakening, it took me several minutes to fully realise that I had only been the subject of an involuntarily sensation associated with sleep; a nightmare to use the common term. But this frightening event wasn’t my usual strong emotional response emanating from the mind and typically experienced after a late night’s over indulgence on goats cheese.   No sir, this dream contained situations of great danger, discomfort, psychological and physical terror, to which today my weekly visit to local practising and counselling psychologist, failed us both to identify.

Let me further elaborate on the situation in which I found myself in the very early hours of this morning.

The Nightmare

Myself, Phil Hogan TD (Him of Property Tax and Irish Water Fame), Bashar Assad, (President of Syria) and Vladimir Putin (President of Russia) had all died the same day and gone straight to that place of eternal torment in the afterlife, known plainly to everyone, (with the exception of used car sales persons), as “Hell.”

On arrival and while beginning to experience the intense and increasing temperature, not to mention having to listen to the screams of the multitude who had arrived earlier; all four of us were attracted to a single bright red phone; same the only piece of office equipment to be seen. It lay sitting on the reception desk occupied by that supernatural entity that is the personification of evil, namely the Devil himself, “Lucifer.”

Having been fully processed by Lucifer and now lined up bound in heavy chains arraigned according to our time of arrival, all four of us began to speculate on the need for this red phone. The Devil, overhearing our whispered conversation quickly informed us that same was for telephoning the planet Earth.

Putin immediately asked permission to call Russia and his conversation concerning matters on the Crimea just lasted for five minutes. His call completed and phone receiver replaced; the Devil then informed him that the cost of his Roaming Call Forward was one million Russian Roubles. Without hesitation, as one does when in charge of taxpayers money, the stern-faced Putin immediately pulled out his cheque book and wrote Lucifer a cheque without question.

Next Bashar Assad calls Syria and his conversation on matters pertaining to ISIS lasted some 30 minutes. Call again complete, the Devil informed him that the cost is 6 million Syrian pounds and again Assad, perhaps more reluctantly in his case, pulled out his cheque book and wrote Lucifer a cheque.

Just as I was about to phone the wife, Phil Hogan brushes me roughly aside and rings Ireland. His dictatorial style discussion was mainly about some intended legal action against Independent Dublin MEP Nessa Childers and something else about not “being unable to make an omelette without cracking eggs”, which I am afraid I didn’t fully grasp. His boring, bullish droll continued for over 4 hours; however on finishing his call the Devil informs him that the total cost is a mere €5.00 Euro.

An understandably outraged President Putin, on hearing the low-cost, goes pure ballistic; demanding from his new host an explanation on why Phil Hogan got to call Ireland so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: “Since Fine Gael and Labour took office, the whole of Ireland has gone to Hell, so his call is categorised as being only a Local Call.”

My worry of course and that of my psychologist is more selfishly complex; despite this all being just a nightmare, what was I doing in Hell with these guys, to observe this scenario in the first place?

Is it a premonition or a forewarning of some kind maybe of things yet to come – I continue to wonder?

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