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Understanding Women

If you find yourself having difficulty understanding the language of the woman in your life, perhaps the text hereunder may in some way assist.

“Five Minutes”
If she is getting dressed up, this means approximately 60 minutes. Five minutes should only be interpreted as “five minutes” if you have just been given five minutes more to watch the Tipperary v Kilkenny All Ireland Hurling Final, before taking out the refuse bins.

Woman“Loud Sigh”
This is usually a nonverbal declaration of “what in Gods name am I doing with this idiot“. A loud sigh means a woman thinks you are an imbecile and wonders why she is wasting her precious time standing there, arguing with you about what she considers irrelevant.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it”
This is another misunderstood and sometimes dangerous statement, which literally means that there is something that this woman has told her man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?‘ to which the woman’s response is usually “nothing“.

“Nothing”
This is generally the calm before a force 10 hurricane. Nothing really means “something“, and you should now be on full weather alert. Snappy retorts that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine followed by an unscheduled trip to the nearest Accident and Emergency unit.

“Fine”
This is the word that women usually use to end a squabble when they are right and our best advice is for you to remain silent after such a remark.

“Go Ahead”
This is a dare and in no way should this remark be interpreted as some form of permission being granted.
Warning: Do not act on this instruction under any circumstance without first checking that your health insurance is fully paid up.

“That’s Okay”:
This is also of the most dangerous statements a women can ever make to a man.  “That’s okay” really means that the woman requires further time for deeper reflection before deciding how and when she will make you pay dearly for the error of your ways.

“Thanks”
If a woman is thanking you, do not question or indeed collapse. Just say “you’re welcome honey”. This is not to be confused with a similar phrase used by women “Thanks a lot“. Latter is simply pure sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. Avoid retorting  “you’re welcome” in this instance as this will receive the reply “whatever”.

“Whatever”
This is a women’s way of saying a now much quoted four letter word. Clue: It begins with F and is closely followed by the word YOU!

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