Blame It On The Grant’s

Mikey and Biddy Grant had two boys, Gerry and Joe aged 12 and 14, “proper bould mischievous brats, badly in need of a regular trimmin,” according to ‘The Widow Scanlan’, who constantly regretted the day she had ever accepted the keys from the Templemore / Thurles Municipal District Council, to find herself now in residence next door to the these neighbours from hell.

Parents Mikey and Biddy Grant would have been the first to accept that any mischief that occurred in the town of Thurles; 99% of same would and could be attributed to one, or the other, or indeed both of their sons. Indeed, Sergeant Sean Brannigan was heard to say, on more than one occasion, that those Grant boys, if only caught and locked up, same would solve 95% of all criminal acts occurring in the town.

Their mother Biddy, in particular, was embarrassingly aware and indeed sick to the teeth of every day complaints and that well worn track up her drive, worn by threatening townsfolk, and Gardaí, asking questions regarding the whereabouts of Gerry and Joe Grant.

Last week Biddy got word that a new priest in Thurles had a great proven success rate in disciplining mischievous youngsters, and setting them on the straight and narrow in avoiding criminal behaviour. After Mass in Thurles Cathedral last Sunday she called into the sacristy. Admitting her own failings as a parent; she pleaded that this priest would speak severely and “straighten out” her young lads.

A somewhat reluctant priest agreed, but insisted on seeing Gerry and Joe as individuals. On the Monday morning, Biddy sent her 12-year-old first; with the older boy scheduled to visit the priest later in the afternoon.

Fr. Jimmy Ryan, a giant of a man with a thunderous, booming voice, sat Gerry Grant down and asked him sternly “Where is God?”
A wide-eyed Gerry’s mouth dropped open, without a response.
Now sitting with his mouth hanging open, Fr. Jimmy repeated the question in an even sterner tone “Where is God!!?”.  Again the freckled, frightened and red faced boy made no attempt at reply. Fr. Jimmy raised his voice even more and shaking his finger in Gerry’s face he bellowed “I asked you a question, where is God!?”

Terrorised Gerry screamed and like a bolt of lightening, he fled from the room. Running directly home and knowing his parents were both at work, he made straight for his own room, slamming the door behind him.

A curious older brother Joe entered his room a short time later to find Gerry, red faced sitting on his bed.  “Well tell us”, said the brother “What happened down in the parochial house?”  The younger brother, still gasping for breath, replied “We’re in really big trouble this time, dude. God’s gone missing and they think we did it!”


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