“The rotation of earth really makes my day.”(Think about this quote. Get It? OK continue on anyway.)
Captain’s Log, Star-date December 6th 2017:-
Tourism Ireland’s senior delegates, envoys and ambassadors, today were described as being somewhat deflated, having launched a failed stratospheric advertising campaign to highlight Sceilg Mhichíl, latter a rapidly decaying rocky outcrop, west of the Iveragh Peninsula in County Kerry, and which played a small role in the latest Star Wars saga, ‘The Last Jedi’.
The Force Awakens
Tourism Ireland’s billboard rose skyward just 33km (20.5 miles) above planet Earth, launched with the help of a weather balloon, while a similar Thurles billboard jetted to an amazing altitude of some 435 km (just over 270 miles) propelled by means of reboost manoeuvres, using a Briggs & Stratton rocket boosted lawn mower engine, one day previous.
One of the many images captured during the launched Thurles Stratospheric Advertising Campaign, as it headed for the “Dark Side”. One “Black Hole” was located during the campaign, found in a black sock, worn by a launchpad crew member.
A spokesperson for the Templemore – Thurles Municipal District stated that Tourism Ireland’s attempt to be the first to advertise in space had failed miserably, firstly; since it was launched the day after the Thurles space departure, and secondly; no single human or alien had actually viewed the image on the billboard, while it remained in space. This project therefore must be perceived as the greatest waste of taxpayers money (to use the words of Rowan Atkinson in Black Adder) since, “Olaf the Hairy, King of all the Vikings, ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside”.
The Thurles launch however had been viewed, as it flew past, by the crew of Expedition 53, all arsing around on board the International Space Station (ISS). Expedition 53, made up namely by Mr Joe Acaba, Mr Alexander Misurkin, Mr Mark Vande Hei, Mr Sergey Ryanzansky and Mr Paolo Nespoli, were all ordered by Commander Randy Bresnik, to scramble and man their laser weapons, fearing, understandably that they were about to be interfered with by an alien craft from outside our galaxy.
A grinning spokesperson for the Templemore – Thurles Municipal District stated, “The Thurles picture advert, which was launched skyward earlier, featured an image of the Christmas lights in Liberty Square, Thurles, Co Tipperary, and fully demonstrated the fullest commitment yet, that Tipperary Councillors and Politicians from all political parties were fully behind efforts to continue our growth in tourism in the area”. “Demands for access to visit Thurles have been unprecedented since the lights were switched on”, he continued.
The Thurles Stratospheric Advertising Campaign was launched from beside the Stone Man here in Liberty Square, in the town at 3.07 hrs GMT and returned from orbit safely, to exactly the same precise area, at 14.00 hrs; thus landing before our daily traffic-jam of parents had emerged to collect their offspring’s from schools and collages.
God help us and those who manage our public finances, if not “May The Force Be With Us”.
“When money’s tight and hard to get,
and your horse is also ran,
When all you have is a heap of debt,
a pint of plain is your only man” (Myles na Gopaleen)
Cork Independent TD Mr Michael Collins has called for all Dáil bars to be shut down, in order to set a good example. Back on September 19th, 2010 we at thurles.info called for all Dáil bars to be shut down in order to set a good example.
There are two bars in Dáil Éireann where politicians constantly generate tabs /slates, or, if press reports are correct, in the case of some of our elected representatives ‘the never-never’ system is in operation in relation to non payment, despite same TD’s bounteous salaries and inflated expenses.
Nobody back in 2010 listened to the views of Thurles.Info and sorry Mr Collins, alas, respectfully it is not likely that anyone will hearken to you either.
Mr Collins quite rightly feels that with the important work going on in the Dáil, a bar serving alcohol should not be allowed on the premises. He especially feels that the proposed current amendments to the Road Traffic Bill by our Transport Minister Shane Ross, will force rural pubs out of business, and the Dáil bar should therefore now close, in order to set a strong example and a precedence in relation to alcohol consumption while in the workplace. Imagine if a TD slipped on the tiles and fractured his ankle in the Dáil, after consuming 5 pints of beer; no, the pain doesn’t bear thinking about.
Mr Collins stated: “Shane Ross wants to shut bars in rural Ireland with his new Bill, but he wants to keep the two Dáil bars open. We hear about thousands and thousands of Euro’s being spent there, with bills left unpaid by politicians. This sends out a very, very bad message to the public, and I feel too much business is being carried on there and it sends the wrong message out to our electorate.”
Sláinte mhaith, Mr Collins, and may you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience, and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint.
“To quote William Shakespeare, from that play of his called Hamlet”, said Mikey Ryan, “there are more things in heaven and earth, George, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”
“You know,” stated Mikey, who was getting close to having consumed ‘just the one too many’, “I often wonder why ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’ seems to translate as being the same thing? Similarly, why do sky divers and kamikaze pilots actually bother their arse to wear crash helmets?”, he continued.
“Ah sure why is a pear called a pear when it is only one?” said I, “maybe sky divers and kamikaze pilots want to ensure their hair remains properly parted when they are eventually scraped up of the ground.”
“Yeah”, said Mikey, “maybe you are right, but when you think about it, isn’t the world a peculiar place all the same. As my mother used to say, “wearing an antenna on your head to a wedding, won’t make it a better Reception!”.
“True for you Mikey”, said I in a low voice, “one thing that confuses me, but of course you can’t discuss it publicly any more, (due to our ‘new shift’ in Irish culture) and that begs the question, why do women wear a ‘pair of panties’, yet only one bra?”. (Incidentally back in the 70’s the word ‘shift’ had a whole different meaning.)
“I was down in Cashel last week”, said Mikey, “and pulled into that 24 hours, 365 day a year petrol station, and you wouldn’t believe it but someone has gone and wasted money installing locks on all the doors. Actually now that I think of it maybe you can enlighten me as to how have Tipperary County Council managed to train wild deer to cross the road at that yellow triangular road sign, on the Dundrum Road?
“Ah sure if it’s Tipperary County Council are involved, forget it”, said I, sure elected Councillors and Council Management only last year raised the cost of cemetery burials, blaming it on the cost of living.”
“Mystery and more mystery,” said Mikey, “look, if nothing ever supposedly sticks to Teflon, how the feck do they make Teflon stick to the frying pan? And if the black box on a plane is so indestructible, why can’t they make the whole feckin plane out of the same material?
“I have no answer to that”, said I, “but I tell you this Mikey, I was up in Stakelums Home & Hardware on Racecourse Road last Black Friday to buy a television set; to discover that a set is now apparently only one. It’s true for Sinn Féin, this has been brought about solely by the election of a series of Fianna Fáil governments.
“True for you”, said Mikey “and when you were transporting it in your car it was called a ‘shipment’, but had you been transporting it by ship, would it not have been called a ‘cargo’?”
“Sure call Pat there and we’ll have one last one for the road,” said I, “remembering of course we can’t drink and drive, yet we will probably need our driver’s license to prove we are old enough to buy liquor.”
No lads, all joking aside, a General Election has to be on the cards.
Himself a golfing enthusiast, Fr. Paddy Delaney was on duty hearing confessions in Thurles Cathedral, last week, when a tall, slim, middle aged man entered the confessional.
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned”, began the individual seeking atonement. “What is your sin, my son?” the kindly priest enquires. “Well,” the man begins, “First I used some unrepeatable language recently in front of work colleagues, while out golfing at Thurles Golf Club. Prior to my inappropriate behaviour, I had hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to travel over 250 yards, but, alas, it struck a power line that was crossing the fairway and rebounded, landing only about 100 yards away.”
“Is that when you swore?” asked an understanding Fr. Delaney. “Not at all Father.” said the sinner, “After the ball came to a standstill, a dirty great grey squirrel ran down out of a nearby tree and grabbed my ball in his mouth, mistaking it for a nut, before beginning his run for cover.”
“Is that when you swore?” asked the kindly Fr. Delaney. “Well, not as I recall.” said the man, “Because as the squirrel was fleeing the scene, a hawk dived down out of the sky and grabbed the grey squirrel in his talons, before beginning to fly away in the general direction of Littleton village!”
“Is that when you swore?” asked the golfers confessor. “No, not yet”, the man replied. “Father, as the hawk carried the grey squirrel away in his claws, it flew up towards the green, and as it passed over a group of beech trees near that same green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear then?” asked the Priest now getting somewhat impatient. “No Father, because as the ball fell it struck a tree trunk, before bouncing through some undergrowth. It then bounced off a big rock, and rolled right through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”
“You missed the fu**king putt, didn’t you?” said Fr. Delaney, shaking his head.
A study into homelessness, funded by the present minority, coalition, Irish government, has found that homeless people are more likely to believe in God, than non-homeless people, which a member of the Independent Alliance today claimed; “This beggars belief”.
The study also reveals for the first time that long periods spent living outdoors leads to better quality eyesight, which Ophtalmologists now believe is the reason why you never see homeless people queuing up to buy spectacles at Specsavers.
The study goes on to strongly recommend that homeless people, when given ‘change for a cuppa’ should apportion a percentage of this ‘granted loose coinage’ towards the cost of purchasing a kettle and teabags, as such a speculation could be beneficial to a longer term economical investment, in their futures.
With 81% of all accidents happening in the home, the report fully recognises that this is welcome news for all those, almost 9,000 persons, currently found to be in a homeless situation.
A new scheme for helping the homeless will be commenced by the Irish government starting on Monday night next.
Politicians and local councillors will be authorised to invite homeless people to take part in a simple quiz. If they answer the single question correctly, they will be in with a chance of receiving one million pounds. According to the Irish Minister for Hardship and Homeless Persons an example of the type of questions to be asked are, “What is €2.50 + €2.50?”
If the homeless person answers €5.00, they will immediately be given a €5.00 note with which to buy a National Lottery Ticket. This scheme is now expected to be watched closely by other countries, also experiencing even greater homelessness on their streets.
Meanwhile, people with houses are being encouraged strongly to assist those less fortunate homeless people this Christmas, to find the nearest shelters. The study / report recommends that the unfortunate latter should be directed to follow the first bus that they observe driving past.
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