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Thurles
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sunrise: 5:53 am
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Broadband Problems In Thurles.

Water

Hope you filled your Census correctly. Water comes uncontrolled from the Sky, thank God.

We were gathered in the Arch Bar in Liberty Square celebrating, having completed filling-up the Census form last weekend. There was myself and Mick; all two of us supping pints to beat the band, while discussing, reasonably I hasten to add, the all important political issues currently pertaining to our local Tipperary economy.

Discussions centred mainly around former Minister Alan Kelly and the unpaid €3 a week Irish Water invoices; the 1,432 pre-election jobs he promised to North & South Tipperary, which never appeared to actually materialise; the sudden jolt to people’s pockets as a €3.50 a week flat tax was seized in the Budget, through the implementation of an increase in tobacco costs; and the more than generous Labour Party donation of €3 per week, granted to old aged pensioners.  It was not surprising then that the sticky issue of Kelly’s failure to provide that new era of faster Broadband to rural Tipperary; (promised in 2014), would raise its ugly head.

In relation to the latter topic, Paddy more than illustrated the overall devastating consequences to family life of this Alan Kelly broadband failure. In graphic detail he told me the heart breaking story of the local family, whose mother-in-law arrived home from Lidl, to find her son-in-law David rushing around in a steaming rage, hurriedly packing his few belongings.

“What’s happening David ?”  she asks anxiously.

“What’s happening?, What’s happening?  I’ll tell you what’s happened”, the obviously enraged David ranted. “I sent an email to my wife; yes your daughter Victoria, this very morning informing her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home here and guess what I find?  Yes, your daughter, my wife Victoria, naked with Francie Murphy in our marital bed!  This behaviour is unforgivable; it’s the end of our marriage; I’m done with her – done with you – and I’m out of here forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down David!” says his mother-in-law. “Sure there’s something very odd going on here. My daughter would never behave in such a manner!  There must be a very simple explanation. I’ll phone her immediately and find out the truth of what really happened.”

Moments later, his mother-in-law comes back with a big, wide smile. “David” said she, “Didn’t I tell you there was a very simple explanation ….. sure she never got your feckin E-mail!”

I ask you is it any wonder that Alan Kelly’s Labour Constituency Office has closed suddenly on Slievenamon Road, as our much loved rural Tipperary is allowed to sinks further into deep decline.

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Borrisoleigh Drama Group Present ‘The Chastitute’

Borrisoleigh

Borrisoleigh Drama Group present ‘The Chastitute’ for one extra night only, by popular demand.

Borrisoleigh Drama Group will stage ‘The Chastitute’; a play by John B. Keane; that much loved Irish playwright, novelist and essayist, in The Marian Hall, Borrisoleigh, Thurles Co. Tipperary on tomorrow evening, Monday May 2nd, beginning at 7.45pm sharp.

Define a ‘Chastitute’, I hear you say?  He, according to the late, great John B. Keane, is a person, without holy orders, who has never lain down with a woman, or a rustic celibate abandoned by the forces of his own circumstances.

The play itself centres around a character, one John Bosco, (The Chastitute); a man who ‘hasn’t the makings of a decent sin in him’. He is a bachelor farmer and all he is searching for is a ‘plain, dacent woman to share his life’. He nearly found her a thousand times, but to use the well known rural phrase, “nearly never bulled a cow”.

Without giving too much of the script away to those not familiar with this wonderful tale and current stage production, the play goes on to tell of this Chastitute’s many endeavours to find a suitable mate and the tragic end results. (Perhaps some viewer may even recognise privately a little hint of their own character and circumstances, as staged events progress.)

The production, tomorrow evening, by Borrisoleigh Drama Group comes highly recommended.

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Unfair Dismissal Hearing In Case Of Thurles Nurse

HospitalAn Employment Appeals Tribunal (EAT) have begun a hearing today in the case taken for ‘Unfair Dismissal’ by a Thurles resident nurse, previously employed at a Thurles Hospital.

The State Registered Nurse, named as Mrs Patrica Ó’Caoláin, formerly with an address in Tralee, Co. Kerry, who was dismissed last January, was present at the Tribunal hearing today.  During cross examination, the nurse strongly denied that she was suffering from a rare form of Cognitive Confusion (A brain confusion disorder found normally only affecting elected members of the Labour Party).

Also giving evidence at the tribunal’s hearing today were two current and highly respected local medical practitioners employed at the hospital; namely Dr. Sean Bradshaw (M.D.) and Dr. Mary Creighton (D.O.).

Medical practitioner Dr. Sean Bradshaw informed the Tribunal today that he believed nurse Ó’Caoláin was indeed suffering from a rare, and as yet, a little understood form of Cognitive Confusion. “She at all times appears incredibly confused,” he stated. “She carries out her written instructions totally the opposite to what was initially recommended for patients in her care. One week prior to her dismissal by the HSE, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours, resulting in the near demise of her patient.”

Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine, Dr. Mary Creighton, also giving her evidence, stated, “Earlier that same week, I told Nurse Ó’Caoláin to give a patient one enema every 24 hours. Nurse Ó’Caoláin later tries to give the patient 24 enemas in one hour. The patient in question could have actually exploded were it not for the timely intervention of a ‘Jobbridge’ plumber, undertaking pipe leaking repairs, nearby in the same ward.”

Dr. Creighton went on to state that the decision to suspend and eventually dismiss Nurse Ó’Caoláin, came about following a blood-curdling scream from a passageway near Ward A2, on the second floor. Nurse Ó’Caoláin had earlier that day been given a written instruction by Dr. Creighton to “Prick the boil” of a patient.

The patient in question, aged 91 and a fully paid up member of the VHI, had been lying contentedly in the corridor, ignored on a trolley for over a week, prior to this intervention by Nurse Ó’Caoláin.

Solicitors acting for the HSE confirmed that the patient, identified at the Employment Appeals Tribunal as being Mr. John McAleese, a native of Littleton, Thurles, Co. Tipperary, now walks with a pronounced stoop; having totally lost the use of his vocal cords. A Solicitor acting on behalf of the 91 year old’s current wife; named as thirty seven year old Mrs Angela McAleese (nee Dwane), stated that presently a case was before the High Court, seeking compensation for ‘Sexual Aversion Disorder,’ (Persistent or recurrent extreme aversion to, and avoidance of, all or almost all, genital sexual contact with a sexual partner), brought about by Nurse Ó’Caoláin’s treatment of Mr. John McAleese, her husband.

Apologising to Mr McAleese, a spokesperson for the HSE agreed, during the hearing, that the present condition experienced by Mr McAleese was most likely brought about as a direct result of the boiling water administered to the patient’s lower abdomen by Nurse Ó’Caoláin.

The case before the Employment Appeals Tribunal is expected to continue for at least another week. Same is also expected to add even further problems in current talks on health issues by Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil and is most likely to further effect efforts to form the next government.

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Tipperary’s Rural Tourism Trade Threatened

Ministers

Charles Flanagan, TD, & Paschal Donohoe T.D.

Efforts to attract Australian tourists for the year ahead here to Co. Tipperary, would appear bleak, following a serious unwarranted travel warning currently being issued to Australian tourists, who maybe planning to visit Ireland this Summer

A website claiming to represent the Australian Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade [Read by clicking here for yourselves.] has issued a warning to Australian tourists intent on visiting Ireland; stating tensions are high between Unionists and Republicans because of the Centenary Celebrations being held and relating to the 1916 Easter Rising.

The Australian website states;  “Tensions between Dissident Republicans and Unionists have increased in the lead up to the centenary of the Easter Rising (24-29 April – Proclamation of Irish independence). You should avoid all protests and demonstrations, including those associated with Northern Ireland, as they may turn violent. Instances of civil disorder can rapidly escalate into violence and you should avoid them wherever possible, including through careful monitoring of the media and following the advice of local authorities”.

The website warns that;  “Be aware that Ireland is not a party to the Schengen Agreement and therefore does not accept Schengen visas. Visa and other entry and exit requirements can change at short notice, you (visitors) should contact the Irish Naturalisation and Immigration Service, or the nearest Irish Embassy or Consulate for the latest visa information and advice”.

Thankfully there is one very noticeable omission from the supplied, defamatory and libellous data however. Same is that Ireland, despite a general election having been held on February 26th to elect 157 Teachtaí Dála (TDs) across 40 constituencies to our Irish Parliament, Dáil Éireann; to date no government has been agreed, despite some €1.6 million in wages having been earned by those then deemed democratically elected.

Perhaps the current ‘Squatting’ Fine Gael government Minister’s for Transport, Tourism and Sport, Mr Paschal Donohoe T.D. and the Minister for Foreign Affairs and Trade, Mr Charles Flanagan, TD, could both come into the office some day this week to drop a note to the Australian Department of Foreign Affairs, pointing out the inaccuracies of the information in their supplied data.

Meanwhile; “Attention all you Australian Tourists planning a visit to Ireland”. Please come to Co. Tipperary; enjoy the undemanding wooded trails and pilgrimage walks; appreciate and soak in our sylvan beauty; rid yourself of the stresses and strains of modern life; feel free, in complete safety, to view our historical artefacts and castles and more importantly stay in our Hotel and Guest-houses, all of which cost half the price of similar accommodation to be found in our major cities.

Understand the true meaning of “Céad Míle Fáilte Romhat” [English Translation – One hundred thousand welcomes to you.]  Do so with the secure feeling that you will meet the friendliest and most lovable of local people and with the knowledge that even Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II moved amongst us freely back in 2011.

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The British Interrogation of Paddy O’Connell

By the end of this year almost every resident adult and school child in Ireland will know something about our 1916 Easter Rising in our efforts to gain Irish Independence.

But down here in rural Ireland amid all the ongoing 1916 commemorations, let us not forget the bravery by Thurles native and patriot, the late Paddy O’Connell, in the face of strong English interrogation.

Paddy had won every prize imaginable in the late 1990’s, at every charity driven pub quiz, not just here in Thurles, but also in the surrounding hamlets, latter today mostly inaccessible by road to those of us severely restricted by the use of the normal BMW and Lexus motor vehicles.

Hailed back in the late 1990’s as the most intelligent man in Tipperary, Paddy’s name was the most obvious choice then to be put forward to compete in the successful TV quiz shows; namely Larry Gogan’s ‘Just a Minute Quiz’ and Bunny Carr’s ‘Quicksilver’.

Paddy had reasonable success on both these shows; missing out however on a couple of what he called himself ‘deliberate trick questions’, e.g. “Name a bird with a long neck?” Paddy had replied “Naomi Cambell”, but alas the answer, which the adjudicators were seeking was “Ostrich”.

When asked by Bunny Carr “Where is the Taj Mahal?, his reply had been; “Opposite the Dental Hospital in Dublin.”  Latter while true, this answer, alas, was also rejected in favour of a place no one here in Thurles had ever eaten in; (some other Indian curry Take-Away joint I understand), supposedly situated on the Yamuna river in the MastermindIndian city of Agra.

Regardless of these obvious less than fair  explorations delved into by R.T.E. researchers seeking correct answers; it was then suggested, by the reigning Board of Tipperary Mensa, that Paddy O’Connell should perhaps try his hand, by entering for the ‘big one’ – none other than the English general knowledge quiz known as, “Mastermind.”

Despite his two previous public embarrassments, forced on him by misinformed R.T.E., researchers, he jumped at the chance of taking part and following a ‘whip-round’ by locals to assist in his travelling expenses, and later bolstered by his success in getting through the usual selection process; Paddy found cheap lodgings and waited to be summoned for his imminent high profile TV appearance.

Glued to the TV, everyone back home here in Thurles sat with sweating fingers crossed, as the ominous Mastermind theme music played, “Approaching Menace”, (by the British composer Neil Richardson), to open the quiz show.

It was a rather nervous Paddy that emerged from the highly intellectual group of contenders that night, gathered at Granada Studios. He placed himself proudly on the large, soft, black, leather office seat and tried to look comfortable. Suddenly the lights were dimmed and a blinding spotlight shone down, firmly illuminating a pale, strained face.

Magnus Magnusson began; “Your name is Paddy O’Connell and I understand you have chosen as your specialised subject this evening; “Irish History – 1900 to 2000.”
A focused Paddy, fully intent on winning the title, responded with a clarifying nod of the head and the words, “Yes Sir” in a strong voice, broke the air of the dimmed studio silence.

Aware of his time constraints, he leaned forward, mouth slightly open and with head turned slightly to the left, Paddy focused his brain while attempting to effect the clearest possible sound in his best ear.

“Very well” said Magnus, “Your first question Mr O’Connell and your two minutes starts now; –  In what year did the Easter Rising take Place?”
Paddy responded quickly; “Pass”

“Your second Question Mr O’Connell”  said Magnus, “Who was the Leader of the 1916 Easter Rising?”
Paddy again responded like lightening, “Pass.”

“OK” said Magnus, “How many days did the Easter Rising last?”
Paddy responded again like a greyhound let loose from his race trap, “Pass.”

Suddenly a voice shouted from the rear of the darkened studio, “Good man Paddy, hang in there and give those bloody English no information.”

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