I received hundreds of telephone calls today seeking an explanation as to why the doors of the Confraternity Hall, here in Thurles, Co. Tipperary, had been left wide open for the past three nights.
Following intense investigations, as always by Thurles.Info, we have learned that a serious accident occurred in the hall building at around 9.50pm on Saturday night last.
As most people locally were aware; it was ‘Karaoke Night’, for Senior Citizens on Saturday night last, in this well known venue. After a strong vocal performance by senior amateur singers, namely Alice Ryan, Micky Brennan and Pajoe Maher; latter who were all accompanied on piano by 90 year old Nancy Dowling, it became time for the much anticipated and invited guest star, ‘Ivan the Hypnotist’.
Ivan, an English speaking Russian nursing physiologist (He gave up nursing when he discovered he could make more money as an entertainer working just 3 hours each week.), much to the excitement of his doting fans, explained that he was going to put all of his audience into a deep trance. “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” promised Ivan.
It is reported that you could hear a pin drop in the Confraternity Hall, as Ivan carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a large, beautiful, Victorian, gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want each of you to keep your eyes firmly focused on this watch”, said Ivan, holding the watch high above his head for all and sundry to view. Ivan began to swing the watch gently back and forth, while quietly, in a deep hypnotic voice, chanting; “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —- Watch the watch.”
The focused Senior Citizens slowly became mesmerized as the timepiece swung from left to right. Their seventy five pairs of ‘peepers’ remaining fixed firmly on the reflected stage lighting coming clearly from the gleaming surface of the gently swaying hypnotic tool.
Then, suddenly and for no obvious or apparent reason, a link on the watch chain snapped, resulting in it falling heavily to the stage floor; before bursting into hundreds of small pieces on impact.
“SHIT,” said Ivan.
Twenty five people were later removed by road and air ambulances to Limerick University Hospital, suffering from serious gas inhalation problems; where they currently remain on blanket-less trolleys. A hospital spokesperson from the Health Service Executive (HSE), has confirmed that none of the injuries are regarded as immediately life threatening.
We understand it took nine gallons of Jeyes Fluid, 10 part-time cleaners, twenty five volunteers from Thurles Civil Defence; all working over the last two days to clean up after this accident. Doors to the Confraternity Hall are expected to close tonight following an inspection today by the Health Information & Quality Authority (HIQA).
‘Ivan the Hypnotist,’ who remained, thankfully, uninjured following the accident, is not expected to be invited back to perform in Thurles again; well not in the immediate future anyway. (Well look at our last government; are not a combination of short memories and time, surely great healers?)
Monday morning saw an elderly Thurles man, Paddy Fitzsimons, preparing for his death in his bed. Paddy had persisted and defied the prophesy of his doctor the week before; latter who had announced to Paddy’s much younger wife Bridie that he, Paddy, “wouldn’t see this world past Saturday night”.
Paddy, aged 75, had been ‘heading down hill’ rapidly for some time past and had spent most of the last 10 days drifting in and out of disturbed sleep. During episodes of wakefulness his past had often flashed before him, so it came as no surprise when his nostrils appeared to signify a presence of the smell of his favourite scones, apparently wafting around his small bedroom.
Dropping back into a mild coma, Paddy again awoke some 20 minutes later; to an even stronger, fresher scone aroma. Taking a painful gulp of air through his nasal passages, deep down into his lungs, he realised this delicious smell was in fact no hallucination; rather an actual reality. He called out for several hours to his wife Bridie, but his faint vocal sounds went unheard and unanswered.
Now gathering all his remaining strength, Paddy reached out slowly and grabbed a bar on the left side of his bed; before dragging himself into a half sitting position. Resting on one elbow he eased his legs over the side of the bed. Having briefly rested from this exertion, he reached for his aluminium Zimmer Walking Frame and after several agonising attempts later; he managed to get on his feet and into an upright stance. Leaning on the frame, he began to shuffle slowly in the general direction of the nearby kitchen, in his bare feet.
Peering through old, partially misted eyes, Paddy eventually located a tray, piled high with his favourite small, baked, quick bread scones. Could he be already in heaven he thought or were these scones perhaps one final earthly act of love from a devoted wife; seeing to it that he would “shuffle off his mortal coil” a happier man? Would she be splitting and buttering these warm rich biscuits, before serving them with jam and clotted cream, as she was often wont to do on certain special occasions in the past.
With his mouth watering and believing that he was alone; Paddy steadied himself, before mustering up one final physical effort. Throwing himself towards the table’s edge, he managed to land perfectly on his knees in a somewhat crumpled state of posture beside the table. Resting for a moment Paddy reached out his trembling, withered hand; his target a scone sitting precariously on the edge of a wire cooling tray. No sooner than he had achieved this goal; from nowhere came a chastising sharp slap across the back of his bare knuckles. Same came courtesy of his wife, who had armed herself with a long handled wooden spoon.
“Feck off and leave them bloody scones alone” Bridie yelled, “There won’t be enough for your funeral.”
His inspiration had become fully formulated after Pat Tobin had read about “Miss Jenny”.
Miss Jenny, latter a London ‘girleen’, who back in the 1820’s, had made a living selling used, hand-washed Condoms; reselling them at very affordable prices to those best described at being at the lower end of the social ladder.
In 1986 Thurles native Pat Tobin, who ran a combined Grocery and Chemist business here in Liberty Square, Thurles, was ‘feeling the pinch’, financially, like so many other small and medium-sized enterprises (SME’s). The controversial Health (Family Planning Amendment) Act, of 1985, which liberalised Irish law governing the sale of Condoms, to people over 18 years, had at this stage been fully enacted. This law meant that no longer had persons to visit ‘North of the Border’, or indeed present a Prescription, while attempting to purchase such personal and intimate unmentionables.
However Pat’s problem was that such sales were still somewhat limited to certain categories of places named in this Act. For Pat, the future ‘looked on the up’, again financially, following his visit to a certain Galway Tent, and after a chat with Charlie, he ‘got the nod’; yes his small pharmaceutical premises would, most definitely, be included as one of the places where such then very contentious products could be freely purchased.
[Note: This political promise now cancelled Pat’s already developed ‘Plan B’, which was to obtain Crocodile Droppings; to be imported into Ireland, from the Nile region of Egypt, under the cover of ‘Organic Fertiliser’, after he had learned that prior to the mass production of rubber; amorous ancient Egyptian women had successfully used crocodile pooh as a pessary, to avoid unwanted pregnancy.]
Based on this now promise from the very lips of ‘The Man who would be King’, Charlie himself; Pat set about obtaining a reliable supplier who would provide a product with outstanding elastic properties, and with same located; Pat ordered the minimum initial consignment of 5,000 packs.
Maybe it was a poor public telephone kiosk connection on the day, or was it a failure to fully understand Pat’s strong Tipperary brogue; either way, one week later Pat received 25,000 packs of three, arrayed in varying sizes. Pat, at the time of placing his order believed that such items would only be used on weekends, e.g. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night. However, due to this disastrous logistical error and aware of his existing poor finances, (not to mention the enormous cost of return postage), Pat decided it would be best to hold on to the full consignment.
To encourage massive sales, Pat set to work on a plan, deciding to boost retail trade with a careful but strong worded advert in the local Tipperary Star newspaper. Logically, Pat believed that locals known to him would be too embarrassed to purchase, so he needed to attract those less familiar customers from Tipperary’s outlying towns and villages. So, after much consideration, Pat came up with a strong wording and an enticing marketing strategy. “Condoms For Sale At Half Price – Will Be Fitted By A Blonde Female“, ran the exciting headline in the following weeks local paper.
Solitary sheep farmer and Upperchurch native, Micky Ryan, normally came down from the hills, above Thurles, once a week; usually on a Friday, to draw his State Old Age Pension entitlement and to pick up a few necessary groceries. With two Collie sheepdogs, both restrained with lengths of binder-twine and usually wearing a well patched dungarees, together with larger than required heavy Wellington boots, Micky entered the less frequented business premises of Pat Tobin & Son.
Having already read Pat’s advert in the previous weeks Tipp Star, Micky was not surprised to encounter a blonde lady in the form of Pat’s wife no less, working behind the counter; busily watering down, as was her custom, the fresh creamy milk which had been delivered a short time previously.
“Excuse me Mrs”, said Micky “Would you be the woman who fits those Condoms?”
Mrs Tobin smiled, “Indeed I am Sir, and how many will you be needing?”
“None”, replied Micky loudly, “But would you be a decent girl and give your hands a good scrub, before you slice me up a quarter pound of cooked ham.”
Judge Michael Ryan was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. All papers had been lodged and the proceedings were being held, in camera, at Thurles Courthouse.
Mary O’Brien had married Johnny Everard here in Thurles in 2011, but just a mere two weeks after their marriage, he had chosen to separate and they were since living apart. Now, five years on, Johnny had decided to seek a legal divorce.
In his efforts to fully understand the reasons leading up to this request for a termination of the couple’s marriage, Judge Ryan asked Mary, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
“About four acres and a nice three bed-roomed thatched cottage, near to a stream, which runs close-by,” replied the soon to be discarded wife.
“No”, said the Judge, “I mean what are the foundations of this case?”
“So far as I know, it is made of a mix of concrete, bricks and mortar,” she responded.
“OK”, he continued with a grin, “Can you inform me as to what your relations are like presently?”
“Myself, I have an aunt and uncle still living and about 12 cousins unemployed, but resident locally here in Thurles. And then there is my estranged husband; he has only his parents still living out in Littleton, as far as I am aware”, she replied.
The judge grinned again and taking a deep breath, he asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No garage as such your Honour “, she replied, “However I do have a carport, but I don’t need one since I don’t have a car”, she added
“Please,” the busy judge tried again, “Is there any kind of infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, my only son, which I brought up on my own; he has one of those Infidelity stereo music players”, she responded. “I, myself don’t particularly like his choice of loud, bawdy music – all that hip hop and rap racket – but sure I can’t seem to be able to do anything about it.”
Now displaying a little impatience in his voice, the judge asked, “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Most certainly”, she replied, “Before our living apart, he got up almost every morning before meself; to made the tae.”
The judge tried again, asking, “Would you say your husband was a nagger?”
“Oh, hell no”, she replied, “Sure to my knowledge he was never involved in the disposal of dead or unwanted animals flesh in his life”.
Finally, in total frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?”
“Oh good Lord, I don’t want a divorce”, Mary replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. It’s me husband that does; the idiot claims that he can’t fully communicate with me intelligently in even the simplest of conversations.”
Following a meeting of Cabinet in Leinster House, it has been decided that new first time elected members of Dáil Éireann will sign up to the Lansdowne Road Agreement, under the provisions of the Financial Emergency Measures in the Public Interest (FEMPI) acts, necessarily introduced in 2009 and imposed on public servants.
In a public statement issued by Cabinet on Thursday last, the government stated that it did not wish to be seen by the general public as acting unfairly in any future dealings, in particular with Secondary School Teachers, who share less holiday time, and the drastically reduced membership of An Garda Síochána, latter who put their lives on the line protecting Irish TD’s from death threats for a mere €23,500 per annum. Readers will be aware for the most part that both these said groups are refusing to participate in this aforementioned agreement.
To this end, as and from July 1st 2016 some 52 new Teachtaí Dála (TD’s) elected to the Lower House of the Oireachtas (Irish Parliament – Dáil Éireann), for the first time, following the General Election held on February 26th last, will now be subjected to a considerable reductions in both pay and expenses.
New first time elected TD’s will now only receive approximately €46,000 in salary during the life time of this present government, instead of their €87,258 salary as is the present case. The perk of granting new mobile phones; purchased to the maximum cost of €750 in any 18-month period, and previously allowed to all new TD’s; has also been removed.
In relation to mileage expenses, those residing 15.5 miles from Dáil Éireann will also no longer receive the customary untaxed €25,295 extra for turning up to work on their average of 3 days or less each week, regardless.
A full list of all Parliamentary Standard Allowances (PSA’s) will be published on the Houses of the Oireachtas Website later this coming week, with similar reductions expected to affect Seanad Éireann, latter the Upper House of the Oireachtas .
Meanwhile the Minister for the Environment is understood to be looking into the possibility of running an educational campaign to encourage water conservation in the home.
According to the Irish Environmental Protection Agency, flushing toilets accounts for around 25% of Irish people’s waters usage, with a standard toilet using 1.8 gallons of water or more per flush.
The Minister is now suggesting that people should take their first pee of the day, while taking their morning shower. Such practise would see around 0.880 gallons of water only leave your shower head in the 22 seconds it takes for a human being to finish peeing; unless you possibly have been ‘on the p..s’ the night previously. Regardless this practise, if encouraged in every home, would lead to considerably less water wastage than used with a standard toilet flush.
Good news also for those of you who insist on wiping after peeing in the toilet; a huge saving can also be made in the weekly purchase of toilet rolls. With an average of 400 squares of paper currently found on most toilet rolls, peeing in the shower would in fact eradicate the wastage of up to 5 squares per roll on any standard wipe.
The Health Service Executive (HSE), are also supporting this initiative, based on the proven fact that hard-working household servants in Victorian times steeped their feet in urine, to ensure relaxed, soft, flexible foot skin.
Meanwhile strong opposition is expected to these proposed regulations from Irish Supermarkets and the manufactures of foot care products, including foot orthotics and insoles; both claiming hundreds of jobs will be lost to industry if these new rules come into force.
OK – If you believe the above, you would believe anything. However the solution given to those tired, callused and toughened areas of skin on your feet is absolutely true. Try steeping your feet in your urine for 15 minutes every night and after a week note the massive difference to your ‘trotters’.