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Love In The Hills

UpperchurchBilly Mulcahy, a local middle aged Thurles doctor, had just finished examining his old friend and patient Tom MacCarthy and had concluded that the latter was in remarkably good physical health for a man of his age.

Tom, an eighty nine year old sheep farmer, residing in the hills above the very scenic, rural village of Upperchurch, near Thurles, had lost his eighty year old wife some eighteen months previously; she had run off with the newly retired village postman.

Now, as you no doubt are aware, doctors are not the kind of people who get involved in village gossip, but from an overheard conversation, circulating in his local pub, it was being whispered that perhaps this same Tom MacCarthy was about to purchase her replacement, in no less a form than a Russian ‘Mail Order’ bride.

Being a good friend and wondering if this was indeed the true reason for Tom seeking this sudden physical examination of his overall health, the doctor asked Tom if there was any truth in this now rapidly circulating rumour.

Taking the time to adjust his trouser braces before pulling on his wellington boots, Tom assured the doctor that the rumour was in fact true and that plans were already at an advanced stage, with his new Russian mail order bride arriving at Thurles railway station on the following Friday afternoon.

Aware of other well founded rumours which stated that Tom hadn’t ever spent a penny of his Ewe Premium grant aided cheques from Brussels over the past ten years, Doctor Mulcahy, fearing Tom had acquired a ‘female gold digger,’ inquired as to the age of this new mail order Russian bride. With a knowing nod and a wink, Tom stated, ‘Doctor don’t worry, I’ve checked her out; the one I bought, she’ll be twenty-one this coming November’.

There was silence in the surgery for a few moments as the good doctor caught future flashes on his inner eye of the inevitable age problems which lay ahead for his elderly patient. Being a wise general practitioner, Dr. Mulcahy could see that the future sexual appetite, alone, of such a very young woman, could never be easily satisfied by this eighty nine year old hill dweller.

Now, anxious to ensure that his old friend’s remaining years continued to remain happy, Dr Mulcahy tactfully suggested that Tom should perhaps consider getting in a ‘hired hand’ to help him out on his remote sheep farm, fully realising that nature was bound to take its inevitable course some cold winters night, in this remote picturesque location in the hills.

Tom also agreed that this was a good idea and gave an undertaking that he would insert an advert in the local Tipperary Star newspaper that very same afternoon, in the hope of obtaining someone who would be happy to work on a low-hour contract basis.

Tom returned to the hills and it was some four months later before Dr Mulcahy would again encounter his patient, walking in front of his two sheep dogs, down Liberty Square, here in Thurles.
‘How’s the new partner settling in?,’  the doctor couldn’t wait to ask.
‘Begod doctor she’s feeling good – she’s pregnant,’ Tom chirped back in reply.

The doctor smiled inwardly, happy in the thought that his former sage advice had most likely worked out according to ‘expectations’.
‘And how’s your hired hand getting on?’ Dr Mulcahy continued.
‘Great doctor,’ replied a smiling Tom. Then lowering his voice he declared, ‘Between you and me doctor, all the signs at the moment indicate that she’s pregnant too.’

It may have something to do with the pure air in those hills above Upperchurch Dr Mulcahy now believes, but scientists from the Harvard Medical School are continuing to investigate.

Thurles Man Dies On Eve Of Equality Referendum

tippI must have drifted off into that fourth stage of slumber, known as ‘Rapid Eye Movement’ or REM sleep. In my dream the headline on the local newspaper I now found myself reading, stated clearly; “Thurles Man Dies on Eve of Equality Referendum“.

According to that weekly local publication, people had just cast their votes in an ‘Equality Referendum’ on a new wording, which if passed into law, would add a new section to our Irish Constitution. The new constitutional wording before the voters, read as follows; “Patients attending medical establishments seeking any/all medical intervention, in accordance with law shall be treated equally and without distinction, regardless of their ability to pay a consultant,” and was expected to be unanimously carried into law. 

In fact it was a few persons returning home from late night polling booths, who were the first to notice that the thatched roof home of Thurles native Mikey O’Connor was ablaze.

The now apparently deceased and sole occupant of No 21, the aforementioned Mikey O’Connor, had been unemployed for over ten years. Due to insufficient income, his domestic water supply had been ‘turned down to a trickle’ by the reigning Minister for the Environment, Community and Local Government. It would appears Mikey had failed to cough up for his Irish Water (Irish -Uisce Eireann) charges and to make matters worse had been spotted carrying two pints of ‘Half & Half,’ by none other than An Taoiseach Enda Kenny himself. Mikey it appears, had dared to stop Enda, with these same two pints in his hands, shouting about the cost of Irish water and how he couldn’t afford to pay, which Enda had rightly discussed in Dáil Éireann the following day. 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, according to this newspaper, despite the best efforts of local firemen, a water hydrant with sufficient pressure was eventually identified and the blaze was quickly brought under control. In the usual follow up operation and ensuing search, normally undertaken by firemen, Mikey’s badly scorched and blackened body was regrettably located.

With no known relatives locally, it now fell upon the local morgue’s resident Mortician to find someone who could with certainty, identify this located corpse. Mikey’s close connection with two regular local drinking buddies, Noel Kelly and Alan Coonan, was soon confirmed to Gardaí, by the dead occupant’s neighbours.

Both having being summoned to the morgue, Noel was the first to arrive. On entering this establishment, the Mortician pulled out the cold chamber drawer and rolled back the icy sheet. “Jasus, his face is burnt fair bad. Could you roll him over,” said Noel, to which the Mortician duly complied. Noel now surveyed the full burnt corpse briefly, before stating, “Nope, thank God, whoever this is, it sure ain’t Mikey”, he exclaimed.

While the Mortician noted that this latter requested action by Noel appeared somewhat strange, before he could further interrogate Mikey’s long time friend, he was interrupted by the arrival of the second friend, Alan, whom he immediately invited to again identify the body. Alan took a look at the badly charred remains before also stating, “Holy God, he’s burnt real bad, could you roll him over”. The Mortician frowned and again rolled the corpse over and Alan again surveyed the scene briefly before stating, “No, thank the good Lord, this definitely ain’t my dear friend Mikey”.

A somewhat mystified Mortician, believing that Mikey possibly may have had a tattoo, asked the obvious question, “How can you both be so sure?” .
“Well,” said Alan, “You see sir Mikey had two arseholes.”
“What do you mean, he had two arseholes?” said the confused Mortician.
“Jasus, sure every dog and his mother in the town of Thurles knew Mikey O’Connor had two arseholes,” concurred Noel. “Sure I know every time we walked into a pub in Liberty Square, in the company of Mikey, you could hear folks whispering, Here comes Mikey with the two arseholes’.”

Danger – Tipperary Politicians Infected By ‘Delusion’

Seamus Healy TD (IND) Tipperary: (Feb 12th, 2015) “In 2013 while 202 new jobs were created 521 IDA jobs were lost in the county (Tipperary). In 2014 only 16 new jobs were provided in North Tipp and 48 in South Tipp. There were 62 job losses giving a net gain of just 2.
Some 78% of all IDA Jobs were provided in Dublin, Cork, and Limerick.
There is no mention of any town in Tipperary or the building of advance factories or office facilities on any of the sites that are available throughout the county, in Tipperary town, Archerstown in Thurles, Lisboney in Nenagh, Benamore at Roscrea, Clonmel, Cashel or Carrick-on-Suir. It is quite obvious that there is no commitment to job creation for County Tipperary through IDA companies into the future.”

Noel Coonan TD (FG) Tipperary: (March 2nd, 2015) “I have contacted the IDA to outline that FDI (Foreign Direct Investment) must be directed to Tipperary.”

Minister Alan Kelly TD (LAB) Tipperary: (March 5th, 2015) “Tipperary Live Register dropped 9.5% in the past year. Thurles Live Register dropped 10.9%.”

Junior Agri Minister Tom Hayes TD  (FG) Tipperary: (March 6th, 2015) “Social Welfare offices recorded a decrease in those signing on last month. This is a sign of a return to job creation.”

DelusionSerious mental illness called a “psychosis” in which a person cannot tell what is real from what is imagined.

Delusion can be observed most frequently amongst the ranks of Tipperary politicians, often occurring in a year immediately prior to a General Election. The identified dangers with regard to this mental illness is that it can be spread quickly; contaminating large sections of the normal public known as “The Electorate,” via the use of Facebook and Twitter. This same unsuspecting infected electorate may now without much thought, automatically and without deliberation, rush out on Election Day and re-elect these very same deluded politicians.

Politicians suffering from delusion believe that whoever opposes them is their mortal enemy.  Their immediate defence is to become paranoiac and pay little or no attention to the opinions of normal hard-working individuals. These politicians, in the main and by their very nature, are often greedy, hypocritical and display symptoms akin to macho posturing, often failing to observe these latter frowned upon traits within themselves; instead choosing to blame others for the havoc they themselves have successfully fuelled during their previous political careers.

One of the early symptoms of ‘Delusion’ can be quickly identified in most politicians.  Most, if not all will be seen to make attractive promises prior to General Elections and then completely fail to implement them, often even denying that these promises were ever made in the first place, especially having achieved election success.


Understanding the ‘mindset’ of a ‘Delusional Politician’.

Seriously folks, take a look at the unemployment figures for Thurles only, shown above, all supplied courtesy of the Central Statistics Office, (CSO). Before you fully examine these above stated, true, unemployment statistics, refresh your memories as to when current reigning Tipperary TD’s first assumed office.

Our story begins with the Irish General Election which took place on Friday, February 25th, 2011. Its objective; to elect 166 Teachtaí Dála (TD’s) across 43 constituencies to Dáil Éireann, latter the lower house of Ireland’s parliament, also known as “The Oireachtas”. The previous Dáil had been dissolved and the 2011 General Election had been called by then President Mrs Mary McAleese on February 1st, at the request of outgoing Taoiseach Mr Brian Cowen.  The members of the 31st Dáil chosen by the electorate met on March 9th, 2011 to nominate their Taoiseach Mr Enda Kenny and ratify the Ministers regarded as suitable to let out on their own.

In 2011 unemployment at the end of March 2011, for both North Tipperary (7,466 Unemployed) and South Tipperary (9,320 Unemployed) stood at 16,786 persons, representing all ages and both sexes. During the months June, July and August of 2012, 2013 and 2014 unemployment numbers greatly increased as newly qualified third level students, their education paid for by Irish taxpayers in most cases, entered the work place for the first time, e.g. in the case of Thurles, expanding unemployment figures by some 2-4 hundred individuals each Summer.

As at February 28th, 2015 unemployment here in Co Tipperary, (again according to CSO figures), stood at 14,176 persons, representing all ages and both sexes, e.g. North Tipperary (6,312) and South Tipperary (7,864) representing a drop of 2,808 persons county wide over the previous four year period.

To understand the mindset of Tipperary’s ‘Delusional Politicians,’ all anxious to gain re-election, you must first believe the following:-
(1) No one single unemployed person ever emigrated from Co. Tipperary or that no one single person died over this four year period.
(2) No one single unemployed person entering the workforce ending up on ‘Jobbridge‘ or took unpaid employment on any form of available Internships, thus avoiding inclusion on the Live Register of Unemployed Persons.
(3) You must also believe that Tipperary reigning Government TD’s, e.g. Noel Coonan TD (FG), Alan Kelly TD (Minister of State, LAB) and Tom Hayes TD (Junior Minister, FG) publicly announced 936 jobs each for the county in the past 4 years.
(4) You must not accept that 3.31 people in every 1000 people emigrated from Ireland in 2014.  (The population of Ireland in 2014 was approx. 4.788,202 and when calculations are done this indicates that nearly 15,850 people left this country mostly from rural areas in just one year.) If  University College Cork is to be believed, some 165,300 Irish people, latter made up of employed, unemployed and part time employed persons, have emigrated from Ireland over the last four to five years, thus clarifying these calculations.

Of course if you can fully accept this aforementioned fiction, chances are that you, over the past four years have also become infected by ‘Political Delusion’ yourself, thus requiring an urgent visit to your doctor /psychiatrist.

Back in 2013, Tipperary had a Commercial Property Vacancy Rate of 11.1%, and by the end of last year this had risen to 11.9%. A new report out this week, as per the latest survey from Geo Directory, shows that over 11% of vacant commercial properties in Tipperary County still remain registered as empty.

Surely it is time for rural midland counties like Tipperary to stand up and be counted.

Labour Party Conference Weekend Away 2015

“Mr Waste lived across the street, right opposite the Slows,
And every weed that ever grew, in his front garden grows.
Bill Waste lost all his lesson books, Moll Waste on hers she scribbled,
And so between the pence and pounds away their money dribbled.
This story is a sad one; the end is as you fear.
Yes the Waste’s are in the Workhouse now, Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear.”

Allan JoanWith a General Election due before April 2016, the Labour Party (Irish: Páirtí an Lucht Oibre) held their Party Conference this weekend in the INEC Convention Centre in Killarney, Kerry.

Tánaiste Joan Burton of course was in attendance, as indeed was the self confessed Pretender to her leadership, Mr Alan Kelly, latter honoured to have been given a mandate to serve the people of Tipperary.
(Of course one wonders will there be anything left for him to lead after the next election, as Joan slips away, with her pension, into obscurity.) But then as my granny used to say, “Try not to mock the afflicted.”

In her speech the Tánaiste had no new real announcements stored up to report to the ‘great unwashed’.  She did vow to bring full employment back to Ireland in three years.  “Everyone who wants a job will have one or at least the opportunity to get one, by 2018,” she unconvincingly rattled without stating any proven methodology.

As expected Joan did launch an attack on mischievous militant elements evident during various demonstrations, accusing them of hijacking and bullying at peaceful protests. Nothing like the belt of a burst water balloon upsetting your hair style to implant forever, political memories, as any rowdy schoolboy will confirm.

Continue reading Labour Party Conference Weekend Away 2015

Political Announcements For Thurles & Tipperary

Dail Bar:

Tuesday to Thursday in Dáil Bar

History was made here in Co Tipperary last Monday, when over 30% of senior Rialtas na hÉireann (Government Cabinet Ministers) like refugees, converged temporarily on North Tipperary, begged the question for many; “Who the hell was minding the shop in Dublin?”

Visiting Tipperary on Monday last were An Taoiseach Mr Enda Kenny, An Tánaiste M/s Joan Burton, the Minister for Justice M/s Frances Fitzgerald, the Minister for the Environment, Community and Local Government Mr Alan Kelly (Latter who according to a picture in today’s Tipperary Star newspaper, looks like he has managed to turn water into milk), the Minister for Jobs, Enterprise and Innovation Mr Richard Bruton, Junior Minister for State for Agriculture, Food and the Marine Mr Tom Hayes and finally the Minister for Agriculture Mr Simon Coveney. All were accompanied by various back bencher’s; latter individuals recently described by Ryanair’s CEO Michael O’Leary as those “who know nothing about nothing anyway,’ but nevertheless all anxious to have their images captured for posterity at various photographic locations in the county.

Visiting here in Thurles, An Taoiseach Mr Enda Kenny and back bencher and leading anti ISIS campaigner Mr Noel Coonan, both refused to be drawn on rumours that Google, HSE and PayPal will move their offices to Thurles in the near future. Same move as you, our readers, are aware is expected shortly due to Dublin’s unprecedented influx of noisy dive bombing seagulls intent on seizing the ‘Foie Gras’ lunches of TD’s and office workers both in the Dáil Bar and in surrounding Dublin parkland areas.

Disturbance during An Taoiseach’s visit in Thurles

During An Taoiseach’s visit a small incident / disturbance did take place, which alerted immediately the extra detailed security surrounding Mr Kenny’s person, causing them to panic slightly.  The incident happened close to the new construction site of the multi-story high-rise office block, next door to the town’s local Convent School; the former under present construction, in anticipation of Google’s expected move to Thurles.

Thurles.Info has learned that an elderly nun who resides in a convent next to this Thurles construction site had previously overheard rather coarse language emanating from staff employed by the Dublin tree landscaping firm of “Root In The Hole Ltd.” Having reflected on these foul, bawdy, verbal torrents from this workforce, the nun, named locally as Sister Deloris Carmen, had decided to spend some time with this workforce, in an honest attempt to redress their continuous verbal outpourings of vulgarity, not to mention the constant wolf whistling directed at Leaving Cert female students attending all educational establishments in the town.

From as yet unconfirmed reports, we learn that following much reflection and during An Taoiseach’s visit, Sister Deloris had decided to take her own lunch and sit with these foul mouthed ‘blaggard employees’ during their lunch break. To this end, Sister Deloris, armed with a brown bag containing egg and watercress sandwiches, had jumped the convent wall which dividing both properties and walking up to the group with a big smile, asking the question; “Do you men know Jesus Christ?”.

The lunching employees had all shook their heads and looked blank faced at each other. One of the workers however, anxious to assist Sister Deloris, had looked up at grafting, sweating steelworkers overhead and yelled “Anyone of you feckers up there know Jesus Christ?”  One steelworker had yelled down asking “Why”?  To which the helpful employee of “Root In The Hole Ltd.” was heard to yell back; “Tell him his fecking wife is here with his lunch.”

Other than this small embarrassing encounter, thank God everything else appears to have run according to plan for An Taoiseach’s secret Thurles visit.

An Taoiseach, did apologise for failing to bring any welcome news to forgotten Tipperary and Thurles, despite promises made on his last visit, almost three years ago.

However he did hint that his Government had agreed a new range of measures designed to reduce alcohol consumption. To this end the only workplace currently in Ireland, serving alcoholic beverage to its employees; latter employed on a three day part-time working week, (Namely Leinster House & the Dáil Bar), would now close as a further example to Irish youth, latter soon to be protected from the sales of low cost alcohol in Supermarkets and Off Licences. Indeed Mr Kenny was heard to quote from a recent statement made by the Youth Wing of his partners in government, the Irish Labour Party, stating; “This opportunity should not be lost to send out a strong, uplifting message about empowering young people in our democracy.”

Then the alarm clock on my bedside table went off.

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