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Unpublished Fable Found In Tipperary

A ‘Fable’, as every parent is aware, is a short story which helps illustrate particular morals to younger children. These stories, tales or parables are often humorous and entertaining for children of all ages, but also bear a strong message in their simple narrative.

The unpublished ‘Fable’ recently unearthed in Co. Tipperary

Dáil Éireann any given Friday.

“The weathermen at Dáil Éireann had assured our five elected Tipperary politicians that there was no chance of any rain falling over the coming weekend. So Matt, Al, Mick, Sham & Jacksie decided to take a well earned break, at the tax payers expense.  They were to stay secretly at the €52.2 million Irish government purchased & refurbished, 78 acre, Irish State guest house, situated at Farmleigh, near Castleknock, Co Dublin.,

Although vulture fund free, it had been rumoured that the Anti-Austerity Alliance (AAA or Triple A) could quickly hand over this building to Dublin’s homeless, should they get their way, so this once in a lifetime weekend away opportunity was not to be missed.

Working their 3 day Dáil week, with no large funeral attendances expected in Co. Tipperary, which they needed to be spotted at; their intention was to go fly fishing on the estates boat lake, from Friday evening to Monday evening inclusive.

While checking their suit cases into the Steward’s Lodge, located in the grounds of Farmleigh, they met the chief gardener with his donkey. Upon seeing the Tipperary elected reps, the gardener, with bowed head and cap in hand, warned, “Distinguished Gentlemen, you should return to the guest house at once, for in just a short time I expect a huge deluge of rain to fall, mainly in this area”.

The politicians immediately shook hands with the simple gardener, but having considered his advice replied, “We hold the Dáil Éireann meteorologist service in high regard. Basically, unlike ourselves, they are extensively educated and an experienced group of true professionals. Besides, we pay them very high wages, and therefore it is only right that we place our trust in them and continue on to our fishing location”.

Ignoring the gardener, the politicians continued on their way, but alas sure enough within a short time later, torrential rain fell from the heavens, soaking our five elected representatives to the skin.  Furious, the Tipp politicians returned to Dáil Éireann the following Tuesday morning and following a full independent enquiry, by the head of RTE, they ruled that all professional weathermen in the Lower House and principal chamber of the the Oireachtas (The Irish Legislature) be immediately fired with full pension entitlements.

Then they summoned the Farmleigh gardener and offered him the prestigious and high paying post of ‘Dáil Éireann Forecaster’. The simple gardener said “Sirs, you who wield such magnificent power over our country,  I do not know anything about weather forecasting. I simply obtain my information from my dumb old donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that torrential rain will fall within the hour”.

So following the passing of a Clerical Officer Public Jobs assessment by the gardener and his donkey, the Tipperary politicians went on to hire both, on high pensionable wages.
So thus began the continuing practice of hiring unsackable ‘Dumb Asses and Consultants’ to work in Dáil Éireann; and the further practise of paying outrageous salaries to those who occupy the highest and most influential positions in that esteemed pile of stones which houses our countries elected reps.”

Hopefully this practice will continue to remain unbroken well into our countries immediate future.

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World Such A Small Place When Holidaying Abroad

Two Tipperary clergy decided to visit the Canary Islands and targeted the easternmost Spanish island of Lanzarote as their ultimate destination, during a proposed upcoming and well deserved summer vacation.

Remembering past vacations, where they had accidentally bumped into drunken members of their respective parishes from back home; this year they had decided to not wear any item of clothing that could identify them, firstly as priests and secondly as natives of Tipperary.  With parish church attendance numbers down greatly, they were determined to have no embarrassing encounters which could lead to their parishioners being ashamed to attend any future church services on arrival back home. (e.g. reminiscences of the local newly married Ryan couple back in 1999, whom both men had unexpectedly encountered ‘honeymooning prematurely’ on the floor of the hotel lift, still sent chills down both men’s spines.  This Ryan couple despite increasing their family size to 7 in just 5 years, had not seen sight nor sound of a sermon insides their local churches during that same 5 year period, despite having first make each others acquaintance at a Christian Solidarity gathering in Thurles, the year before their decision to marry.)

As soon as the jet plane had landed at Arrecife Airport; both devout priests headed for a clothing store to purchase some, shall we say, rather out of character trouser shorts, flowery shirts, open toed sandals and giant sunglasses.

The next morning, dressed in their ‘tourist clobber’ and carrying a couple of hotel deck chairs, they headed to the sandy beach to enjoy the local, over priced tipple and take in the glorious sunshine; to which, back home, they were unaccustomed. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a gorgeous blonde dressed in a topless bikini and wearing sun glasses, came walking in their direction. As she passed them, she smiled, nodded and greeted them both with the salutation, “Good Morning Fathers, enjoy the sun!”  Both priests were stuck speechless; how in God’s name did she know they were members of the priesthood?

Next day, feeling their last mode of dress was perhaps somewhat outdated, they went back to the clothing store and purchased even more outrageous casual outfits; determined not to be identified again during their remaining 10 day stay. Now dressed in this new attire, they settled down again in their chairs, confident they could enjoy their well deserved holiday without fear of being further recognised, interrupted and even embarrassed.

A short time later the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini and sunglasses, came walking toward them.  She again nodded at each of them reciting a similar salutation; ‘Reverend Fathers good morning!  Has not the Almighty blessed us with lovely sunshine?  Do be careful of not getting too sun burned on your second day”, she warned, before continuing to walk past.

Unable to stand it any longer, one of the priests called out after her, “Excuse me, young lady, I must know, how in God’s name did you recognise us as priests, particularly dressed as we are currently?”

Raising her sunglasses on her forehead, the woman replied, “Fathers, it’s me, Sister Kathleen from your local convent.”

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Death Of Britain’s Greatest Soap Star Jean Alexander

Former much loved ‘Coronation Street’ actress Jean Alexander (Hilda Ogden); once voted Britain’s greatest soap star, has died three days after her 90th birthday.

Ms Alexander died yesterday, having been re-admitted to hospital on her birthday, after feeling unwell. Stars of Coronation Street have paid tribute to the actress, describing her as a “legend”.

Born in Liverpool; Ms Alexander won the hearts of TV viewers here in Ireland as the sharp-tongued cleaning lady. Rarely viewed without a set of tightly-wound plastic hair curlers hidden under a headscarf; saw vast numbers of her fans tuned in daily to watch her interaction to get her ineffectual spouse, Stan Ogden [Played by Bernard Youens (born Bernard Arthur Popley)], out of the pub and into work.

An estimated 30 million viewers watched her farewell episode, when she made her decision to leave Weatherfield in 1987.

Following her exit from ‘Coronation Street’ she became a mainstay of BBC sitcom ‘Last Of The Summer Wine’; playing the part of a somewhat eccentric bric-a-brac shop proprietor known as  ‘Auntie Wainwright’.

In 2005 Ms Alexander was voted ‘the greatest soap opera star of all time’. Offers to  memorialise her in a statue, Ms Alexander was reported as stating, “I just couldn’t see myself stood on a pedestal cast in bronze and knowing my luck, the Southport seagulls would find me and do their worst, as they have done before – usually when I have just washed my hair.”

It is understood that Ms Alexander suffered a stroke in 2014 and had been living in a nursing home prior to her death.

Ar dheis Dé go raibh a h-anam dílis.

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How Clean Is Your Toilet?

wet-cat

Meagher’s Cat

“Begorrah, you’re starting early this morning Mickey”, said John, as he opened the front door of his well known licensed premises in Liberty Square, Thurles.
Mickey, darted through the open doorway, having first checked there was no one who had been watching his earlier period of loitering.

“What’s news today Mickey”, asked John, as he climbed to the far side of the bar counter.
“Give us a pint of lager and a half one in a hurry”, said Mikey.  “Jasus I landed on me feet yesterday, didn’t I get a job as me incapacitated father-in-law’s Carer. Sure you remember Noel Meagher, he used to drink here all the time.
“Great stuff”, said John, believing that just maybe a solution to Mickey’s worrying ‘Bar Slate’ problem might be reaching a positive conclusion.

“Yea”, said Mickey, “Eight hours a day, seven days a week”, before gulping down his first pint, like a man close to critical dehydration.
“So what are you doing out of work here so early, at this hour of 11.00 bells”, asked John. “Put me up another pint there”, said Mickey, positioning himself behind the wide wooden bar pillar; placing him at least out of main view of the open bar window.

“Thank God I’m finished for the day”, said Mickey, “I’m off early because unlike other people I understand that work is all about time and motion; short time and even less motion, which can be easily achieved through the performance of careful planning. If the truth was known I should be planning Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil’s budget, for next Tuesday.”

“Explain”, said John.  Mickey took another drink from his second pint, followed by a sip from his half one. “Better still, I’ll give you an example”, said Mickey adding more water to his Paddy Power.

“Me father-in-law Noel’s visiting District Nurse told me this morning that it might be a good idea if I found time to wash the toilet bowl and groom Noel’s dirty tom cat. So what did I do to speed things up?  said Mickey

Well”, continued Mickey,  “Firstly I opened the front door of Noel’s house, ensuring that there were no humans between the bathroom and that outgoing exit. Then I lifted the lid of Noel’s toilet, before adding about a 1/8th of a cup of hair shampoo to the water in the bowl. Next I picked up Noel’s tom cat and carrying him towards the bathroom; making sure of course to soothe and gently talk to him. Next with one unexpected smooth movement, I put the tom cat into the toilet and closed down the lid with lightening speed. 

“Now”, said Mickey, “Here’s is a good tip well worth remembering; you may need to stand on the toilet lid”.

The cat of course, in attempting to further play, will gently self agitate the water, making ample suds; Oh and never mind the noises that come from the toilet; because from my own personal and previous experience, the cat is actually enjoying itself. Next flush the toilet at least twice. This provides for a kind of ‘power-wash and rinse effect’.”

“That accomplished”, said Mickey, “Stand well behind the toilet, as far as you can, before quickly lifting the lid. Sure the cat will rocket, screaming as cats do most nights, out of the toilet; streak through the bathroom and head for the front door; like a primary student when the school bell rings at 3.00pm; where it will quickly dry itself off.”

“Two jobs done in half the time”, said Mickey “Both the commode and Noel Meagher’s tom cat will both be sparkling clean for at least another day or two. Now that’s real planning worthy of any government Minister for Finance.”

“By the way”, said Mikey, “Would you be interested in buying half a dozen 1 litre bottles of Harpic at half price, which, as far as the Health Service Executive are aware, have found themselves shall we say, ‘Surplus to Actual Requirements’; if you know what I mean.”

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Serious Accident Reported In Confraternity Hall, Thurles

I received hundreds of telephone calls today seeking an explanation as to why the doors of the Confraternity Hall, here in Thurles, Co. Tipperary, had been left wide open for the past three nights.

Following intense investigations, as always by Thurles.Info, we have learned that a serious accident occurred in the hall building at around 9.50pm on Saturday night last.

hypnosisAs most people locally were aware; it was ‘Karaoke Night’, for Senior Citizens on Saturday night last, in this well known venue. After a strong vocal performance by senior amateur singers, namely Alice Ryan, Micky Brennan and Pajoe Maher; latter who were all accompanied on piano by 90 year old Nancy Dowling, it became time for the much anticipated and invited guest star, ‘Ivan the Hypnotist’.

Ivan, an English speaking Russian nursing physiologist (He gave up nursing when he discovered he could make more money as an entertainer working just 3 hours each week.), much to the excitement of his doting fans, explained that he was going to put all of his audience into a deep trance. “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” promised Ivan.

It is reported that you could hear a pin drop in the Confraternity Hall, as Ivan carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a large, beautiful, Victorian, gold pocket watch and chain.

“I want each of you to keep your eyes firmly focused on this watch”, said Ivan, holding the watch high above his head for all and sundry to view. Ivan began to swing the watch gently back and forth, while quietly, in a deep hypnotic voice, chanting; “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —- Watch the watch.”

The focused Senior Citizens slowly became mesmerized as the timepiece swung from left to right. Their seventy five pairs of ‘peepers’ remaining fixed firmly on the reflected stage lighting coming clearly from the gleaming surface of the gently swaying hypnotic tool.

Then, suddenly and for no obvious or apparent reason, a link on the watch chain snapped, resulting in it falling heavily to the stage floor; before bursting into hundreds of small pieces on impact.

“SHIT,”  said Ivan.

Twenty five people were later removed by road and air ambulances to Limerick University Hospital, suffering from serious gas inhalation problems; where they currently remain on blanket-less trolleys.  A hospital spokesperson from the Health Service Executive (HSE), has confirmed that none of the injuries are regarded as immediately life threatening.

We understand it took nine gallons of Jeyes Fluid, 10 part-time cleaners, twenty five volunteers from Thurles Civil Defence; all working over the last two days to clean up after this accident. Doors to the Confraternity Hall are expected to close tonight following an inspection today by the Health Information & Quality Authority (HIQA).

‘Ivan the Hypnotist,’ who remained, thankfully, uninjured following the accident, is not expected to be invited back to perform in Thurles again; well not in the immediate future anyway. (Well look at our last government; are not a combination of short memories and time, surely great healers?)

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