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Guaranteed Cure For The Winter Flu Bug

cut-glass-bowlMiss Biddy O’Houlihan, the retired church organist, was now in her eightieth year and despite several offers of marriage, had never succumbed to the need of selecting a husband. Throughout the community of Thurles, down through the years, she was much revered for her genuine kindness and generosity.  Indeed her excellent flower arrangements for weddings were most highly regarded for being either very reasonably priced or, in the majority of cases, not priced at all, thus further enhancing her popularity from a local perspective.

One afternoon a member of the local clergy came to pay her a courtesy visit and was shown into her quaint, tidy, sitting room. As was her normal courtesy shown to visitors, Biddy invited the Priest to ‘take a seat’, while she would leave him for a moment to ‘put on the kettle’.

As Biddy set about buttering a couple of her much sought after fresh ‘Sultana Scones’, the Priest sunk his rear end into the bright tapestry covered armchair to which he had been directed, sitting facing the old, well polished Hammond organ. His gaze was immediately drawn to a Waterford cut-glass bowl half filled with water, which sat top centre on this shiny musical instrument. Well, to be honest it was not the cut-glass bowl which first caught his attention; rather it was the object which floated on the water which this bowl contained.

The Priest, not surprisingly became immediately perplexed, after all what would a single lady her eightieth year be doing with a condom, (yes a real condom), in plain sight of the public’s view, floating in a bowl of water on Miss Biddy’s favoured musical contraption.

His thoughts were soon interrupted by the soft short steps of Miss Biddy returning; balancing a tray, laden with tea and steaming hot buttered scones. Miss Biddy began to chat, while the Priest struggled to stifle his curiosity regarding this bowl of water and its rather strange ‘floating object’.

He tried his very best to concentrate on the current conversation and to contain his bursting curiosity, but soon his inquisitive nature got the better of him and he could no longer resist the question; “Miss Biddy”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”, he, pointing to the bowl and its as yet unexplained floating subject matter.

“Oh, yes,” Biddy replied smiling, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking my dog, ‘Horatio’, through the new Thurles Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. From what I could decipher from the somewhat worn directions on the package; it stated I was to place the contents on the organ, keep it damp and it would prevent the spread of disease. Could you credit this Father, I haven’t had the flu so far this winter.”

Thurles Studies Show Seagulls Only Follow Job Creation

“Well I got a job and tried to put my money away, but I got debts that no honest man can pay.
So I drew what I had from the Central Trust and I bought us two tickets on that Coast City bus”.

Lyrics by Bruce Springsteen – ‘Atlantic City’

The crucial issue of marauding Dublin seagulls has been rightfully raised, yet again, by politicians in Seanad Éireann (Senate of Ireland), with this protected species of bird life being now described as “endangering society”.

Calling for a cull, Senator Ned O’Sullivan demanded action against the birds last year, demanding that Seagull Protection Species Status be immediately scrapped, after attacks on the lollipops of young children. These same children are those whose welfare has been so mightily protected by the present Irish government from all abuse and neglect during the past five years of austerity.

seagull

Yesterday afternoon Cork Senator Denis O’Donovan also called for immediate action against these vicious seafaring creatures, whom he claims are now invading our vanishing rural towns and slowly evaporating villages. His emergency call comes after an unsuspecting Dublin woman reported that her mobile phone had been stolen by a Seagull. When she demanded that the vicious intruder leave it back, the marauder instead flew away dropping it into the middle of a nearby pond in the National Botanic Gardens, demonstrating total disregard for up-to-date foreign technology and unsuspecting underwater fish life.

Those tasked, in recent weeks, with the job of tracking down dispatchers of abusive text messages and intimidating death threats, latter conveyed using hand held cellular devices against well meaning and as yet unchallenged politicians, (some from Tipperary), are now investigating whether deranged members of our Seagulls population could be amongst those involved. To this end security sweeps of Seagull nests along the Dublin coastline have now been undertaken.

A Civil Servant from the Department of Justice was recently overheard to state that a known active ‘Seagull Terror Cell’ could be involved here in an elaborate plot to bring about the further downfall of this Irish nation. Those involved in investigations into who threw a water balloon at a leading Labour Party politician in Dublin, during an Anti-Water charge protest, have not yet ruled out the possible involvement of an unknown ‘Kamikaze Seagull’. Latter, he leaked, was observed acting rather suspiciously in that immediate area at the exact time of this vicious and unwarranted assault.

Meanwhile here in Thurles, Co. Tipperary our investigations into the actions of our visiting seagull population indicate that same only attack in areas of greatest job creation. Therefore since, under this present Fine Gael /Labour coalition government, no jobs of any kind have been created in the past five years; the now rapidly dwindling native inhabitants of our fair town can feel wholly safe in their cots.

Well I suppose that is if the 835 people, who lost their jobs in the last two months here in Tipperary can still afford to pay their Property Tax and Water Tax.

New Eircodes For Tipperary Start With The Letter E

EircodeIreland’s newly generated national postcode service will launch today.

First proposed more than a decade ago, Ireland’s 2.2 million homes and businesses are expected to be assigned individual seven-digit ‘Eircodes’, latter which they will receive through the post in the weeks ahead.

This new Eircode system will be optional and homes do not have to use their codes if they don’t want to and the system will not eliminate any existing lines in addresses. To date this optional service has cost the tax payer €27m to devise and is aimed at reducing the confusion surrounding non-unique addresses.

Those opposed to this new Eircode system claim that it will lead to encouraging further crime; by identifying individual houses online which are known to be vacant, due to normal inhabitants being on holiday, attending funerals, weddings etc. [ See https://finder.eircode.ie/#/ to find your house and check your personal Eircode.]. Other critics state that same is just part of the present governments intended future strategy in relation to Property Tax and Water Charge collection and is once again money poorly spent during recessionary times.

Tipperary’s codes will start with the letter E while Clare will start with V and Wexford Y.

Consultancy firm Capita won the tender to produce the code, outbidding our own An Post and Satnav firms state that their devices can’t use the new system. Couriers are refusing to have anything to do with it because the numbers defining individual properties are random and not consecutive like they are in every other country that uses post codes. Some areas are reported to be positioned in the wrong county, but no doubt same will be changed for another €27m.

Will it turn out to be another ‘Irish Water’ making us the laughing stock of Europe? Who knows, but all 2.2 million Irish properties are expected to be mailed their individual codes during the coming weeks.

Meanwhile this may now explains the latest Fine Gael joke:
Q: Have you heard about Supermacs new “Enda Kenny Value Meal”?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Tipperary Tourism – A Definition Of Total Incompetence

Please do take the time to watch the video uploaded once again below (First uploaded back in April 20th, 2013) and do read this current article in full.

June 1st to September 30th marks the annual summer vacation period for the vast majority of tourists visiting Tipperary; visiting both from here at home or abroad.

Since “The Gathering”, a tourism-led initiative which first began in 2012 in Ireland; same aimed at mobilising the Irish Diaspora; attempts at attracting tourism and creating much needed employment in Tipperary have taken a severe downward plunge. Lack of political support for tourism has most certainly impacted on our current catastrophic unemployment figures, which over the past two months alone have seen 835 Tipperary people lose their jobs. Prior to the most recent local county and general elections, selected TD’s and Co. Councillors gave ‘firm lip service’ only to supporting and encouraging tourism here in Tipperary, none more so than Fine Gael’s Mr Noel Coonan TD and Labour Party Deputy Leader and Minister Mr Alan Kelly, back then also given responsibility through the post of Junior Minister for Transport, Tourism and Sport.

In an effort to boost Tipperary tourism and having met with both of the above named politicians, both in Thurles and Dublin, all efforts to return the Derrynaflan Hoard to Thurles, just briefly for just 3 months, were met by total silence and a refusal to even communicate via email.

Allow Me to Demonstrate the True Definition of Local and National Political Incompetence and Money Wasting.

Please click HERE to locate the website titled ‘Tipperary Tourism’. Next, scroll down to bottom of page one.

Note: This Tipperary Tourism website was designed in 2014 and confirms it was funded, no doubt handsomely, by European Regional Structural Funding, South Tipperary Development Company, Minister Alan Kelly’s Department of Environment, Community and Local Government, 28 European countries, better known by the abbreviation EU and finally through Tipperary County Council.

Having confirmed to yourself this undeniable fact, move your cursor indicator up slightly to the heading marked ‘Discover(Positioned to the left on same page).  Next click on ‘Attractions In Tipperary’.  See all preferred attractions listed and available by striking the down arrow to the right in the box provided (marked ‘Angling‘), and then choose from the list of other popular attractions on offer.  Once you highlight your chosen attraction; move across to choose your preferred Co. Tipperary town, by hitting the down arrow right of the box marked ‘Clonmel‘.  Next click on Thurles.

What do you mean, you can’t find Thurles?

Seriously, is this prevailing situation not the most perfect definition of ‘Total Local and National Political Incompetence‘, at a time when our Live Register Unemployment Figures for Co Tipperary today are almost double the national average?

More ‘Definitions of Incompetence’ to follow.

Big Bird Meets A Ninja Babe In Thurles

Thurles born Kristofferson Murphy (Well as you can gather from the name, his mother had a hankering for a well known seventies ‘Country and Western’ singer.) and his wife Victoria were invited to a swanky ‘Fancy Dress Masked Ball’.

Unfortunately, Kristofferson’s wife, at the very last minute, came down with one of her summer bouts of Hay Fever. It was somewhere between continuous fits of sneezing, nose blowing and seven o’clock, that Victoria informed her husband that he should go on to this party on his own. He, being always the devoted husband, protested most strongly, but Victoria argued (as all women are wont to do) that there was no need for her absence to spoil his eagerly anticipated outing; stating that her own best cure was to take a couple of Antihistamine tablets and retire to the comfort of her bed.

Fancy-DressFinally Kristofferson, having been reassured by his wife that she would be O.K. in his absence, placed his costume into a large plastic bag and headed for the Masked Ball. He would change clothing for this Fancy Dress event on his arrival; after all he did not want to draw unwanted attention to the absence of an up-to-date NCT (National Car Testing) disk, were he to be pulled over by a member of Tipperary’s Garda Traffic Corps, when spotted driving his vehicle dressed as ‘Big Bird’.

Meanwhile back home here in Thurles his wife Victoria, having sleep soundly for about an hour, awakened feeling somewhat more refreshed and, as it was still quite early, she decided to join her husband at the party.

Since her husband had never discussed with her what choice of costume she had intended wearing, Victoria thought she would have some fun by watching her husband from behind her chosen and rather revealing ‘Deadly Ninja’ outfit. She would be that ‘fly on the wall’ observing at first hand the type of shenanigans her Kristofferson got up to when believing that his wife was at home and apparently indisposed.

The lights were low in the hotel as Victoria joined the party, but she soon spotted her husband; alias one bright yellow ‘Big Bird’. Victoria observed Kristofferson over the next hour with various pint bottles in hand, cavorting with several young ladies new to his acquaintance; occasionally making inappropriate body contact, while proffering the odd whispered immoral suggestion, in the hope that his unknown female companion would grant even the slightest of encouragement.

Wondering how far her husband Kristofferson was actually prepared to go, on this his first solo night outing since wedlock, Victoria sidled up to him and being a lady very capable of seduction in her own right, ‘Big Bird’ was quickly induced into devoting time to this unknown ‘Deadly Ninja Babe’.

Victoria, (well since he was her husband anyway), appeared to permit ‘Big Bird’s’ immediate rather cheeky, flirty advances.  Chancing his arm, ‘Big Bird’ slowly began taking apparently unhindered advantage of his unknown, slender perfumed ‘Deadly Ninja’. It wasn’t long before he was whispering rather suggestive propositions in her ear, to which the Ninja appeared to readily accept.

They both soon slipped off to find the relative comfort of an open topped sports vehicle, parked in the shadows of the poorly lit hotel lawn. Both were soon involved in what the locals around these parts often refer to as ‘a heated quickie’.

Later, on returning to the noisy party and just before the compulsory unmasking at midnight, Victoria, like the Italian folk female character ‘Cinderella’, slipped quietly away to her home and put her Ninja costume away.  Slipping back into her bed, feeling totally cheated and threatening a bloody vengeance, she wondered what kind of explanation husband Kristofferson would come up with, for what she saw as his deceitful and unforgivable immoral behaviour.

Victoria was sitting up, pretending to read, when Kristofferson eventually creped in home. With all the appearance of a woman holding an innocent conversation, she asked “Well what kind of a night did you have, was the event well attended?”.
“Oh, the same old ding dong. You know I never have a good time when you’re not by my side.” Kristofferson replied.
“Did you dance much ?” Victoria now began her knowing detailed interrogation.
“You know, I never even danced one solitary dance. When I got there, sure I met Tom Browne, and some of his visiting Dublin cousins. A few of us went into the hotel lounge, where we had a few drinks and played poker up to just before I left. But hey, wait for this, you’re not going to believe what happened to one of Willie’s cousins, the guy I loaned my ‘Big Bird’ costume to…………”

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