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Real Life and Death Situation In Thurles Area

Tipperary Drama Festival, Holycross, Thurles, Co Tipperary.It was Saturday morning and the old, hand-wound, alarm clock had burst into life on the dot of 7.30am, as indeed it had done for over the last 20 years, rudely awakening with its racket the seventy one year old Parish priest, Fr Tommy Ryan.

The clocks tinny clamour had suddenly returned this failing old priest from his dream-time, back into the world of reality and just as he was about to reel-in one of the biggest trout ever caught in the river Suir.

Now fully wide awake and conscious of the fact that he had a morning funeral and an afternoon wedding; both to preside over, he quickly rose from his warm single creaky divan. Through the drawn thin curtains of his east facing bedroom window, he became aware that God had bestowed on his tiny parish, yet another fine bright spring morning.

Feet on floor, he stretching himself and shuffled to the window to open it; fully intent on inhaling a few deep breaths of God’s abundant and richly oxygenated country air.

On pulling back the curtains however he became almost immediately aware of the body of a dead donkey. Same was lying on its back motionless in the middle of his front lawn, feet pointed almost skyward. He focused his dimming eyes on the scene for several moments to determine if there was any physical movement from the animal and seeing no movement he quickly turned and dressed himself, before heading downstairs to the telephone in the hallway. Picking up the receiver he promptly began to dial the telephone number which would connect him to his local rural police station.

On duty at the local police barracks was a tired Sergeant Timmy Tynan. He had just released, with a severe behaviour warning, a detained drunk from the barrack cell without charge. He knew his own personal warning to this offender as to his constant late night alcohol abuse would probably, as in the past, fall on deaf ears, but he also knew that this abuser, on being reunited with his wife, would receive a far harsher punishment than any court in the land could legally administer.

He was about to lock up his small rural barracks, having completed an otherwise uneventful night shift, when the phone rang and according to reliable local reports, the ensuing telephone conversation between both these men, went something like this:-

“Good morning Sir. This is Sergeant Tynan here. How might I be able help you?”

“Ah and the top of the morning tar yerself Sergeant,” said the priest.  “Tis Father Ryan here from the presbytery beside St. Mary’s Church. There’s a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and I’m wondering would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads over to take care of the matter, before Johnny Murphy’s funeral comes in past, at 10.00 o’clock this morning?”

The 7ft-4inch weary Kerry born Sergeant, well known and respected locally, mainly because of his quick wit which often bordered on raw sarcasm, decided, that he would try to avoid, if possible, the good Father Ryan.

“Well now Father Ryan”, said the Sergeant, “t’was always my understandin that you people up in that Presbytery is totally responsible for takin care of the last rites yourselves!”

There was deafening silence on the phone line for a moment, before Father Ryan was overheard to reply: “Aye,’ tis certainly true Sergeant; but we in the presbytery are also always obliged to notify any known next of kin first, which is the very reason for me callin ye.”

No one knows who took eventual responsibility, but the dead donkey was gone well before the body of the late Johnny Murphy arrived to St Mary’s Church, to enter for the very last time.

Google, HSE & PayPal Could Move Offices To Thurles

Dail Bar:

Dáil Bar – any day at lunch time.

Exciting news today, with the as yet unconfirmed reports that Google, HSE and PayPal offices could be on the move out of Dublin, “lock, stock and laptop,” to provide jobs here in Thurles, Co Tipperary.

The rumour is supported by reports that Dublin Authorities have now advertised for a specialist company which will hopefully rid them of a colony of seagulls circling high rise buildings in the capital, mistaking the latter as erosion landforms or vertical cliffs.

To prevent this possible stampede of recent new Dublin jobs to rural Thurles, this same Dublin Authority are now seeking, quote; “a professional pest control company to provide a suitable deterrent system, or process, to eliminate the presence of birds and seagulls.”

“The seagulls here in Dublin have lost the run of themselves” said one Dáil Éireann TD. “Dive Bombing Seagulls drive at us through the open windows of the Dáil Bar at lunch time, like ancient Pterosaurs, he continued. (Latter ‘Pterosaurs’ is a type of flying reptile from the late Triassic and Cretaceous Period, living some 228 to 66 million years prior to the birth of EU commissioner Phil Hogan).

They snatch from our hands Gourmet Burgers, Decadence D’Or Cupcakes and in the ensuing turmoil of fighting them off, overturn large glasses filled with Henri Jayer Richebourg Grand Cru and Cote de Nuits, latter to be soaked up in expensive chair and floor coverings,” said another disgusted female visiting Senator.

The hallowed corridors of our parliament building were awash yesterday, with rumours that a bag of traditional hard boiled sweets (large ‘Black & White Mint Humbugs,’ I understand), latter purchased from the cut price Dáil Tuck-Shop for use in the Dáil Chamber, had been snatched by one of these same vicious winged marauders.

The TD and Senator referred too, who both wish to remain anonymous, have now called for the Environment Minister and Tipperary native, Mr Alan Kelly to take immediate remedial action.

The raucous and anti-social behaviour caused by these seagulls may also give us a clue as to why our Irish elected representatives made such a ‘hames’ of certain policy decisions, over the past four or five years. It is not widely known, but it would appear that these noisy seagulls are keeping our politicians, senior civil servants and their vast array of consultants awake at night; latter all attempting to slumber in these same high-rise Dublin cliff-like apartments.

Is it any wonder therefore that what should have been a relatively easy solution to many of our countries problems, (e.g. the nation’s crippling bank bailout, –  the granting to Irish Water of over €424.5 million to install water metres instead of plugging leaks – and of course the latest refusal by Fine Gael and Labour TD’s to “rock off ” on the Vincent Brown / TV3 proposed late night ‘people debates’ programmes) are now observed by the Irish electorate as being unmitigated full-blown national catastrophes.

The good news for Thurles however could be that senior management and staff at the offices of Google, HSE and PayPal have all had their fill of these seagulls and are now looking for ‘gull free territory’.  If truth be known they are sick to death of these swooping cheeky birds, squawking from their nests at ‘cock crow’ every morning, from the elevation of these new man-made cliffs.

Management and staff are rightly afraid of these birds, who in scenes reminiscent of the Alfred Hitchcock movie “The Birds,”  attack their young children; dispossessing them of their lollipops and gourmet French Fries (‘Chips’ to rural dwellers), not to mention the continuous squirting of eliminated liquids and solids, falling while in flight from their digestive tracts, via their ani, before landing to splatter on new shiny metallic Mercedes-Benz auto-mobiles, during a time of great urban water shortages.

Result for Thurles however would be a massive reduction in current unemployment for the first time in over 25 years and all thanks to good old Mother Nature and Dublin’s sardine famished seagull population.

UPC Services To Increase By Twice The Charge Of Irish Water

Folks it is not even April 1st; the day people are most wont to play practical jokes on each other, but UPC appear to have brought that date slightly forward.

Most of Thurles residents returned home weary from their labours today to find the following email waiting in their Inboxes. (Actual Account Number & Name hereunder withheld.)

upcCONTRACT CHANGES
The price of your UPC Service is going up so we can keep giving you the best.
Account Number: XXXX
Dear Mr Smith,
We’re writing to inform you that the price of your UPC service will go up by €6.00 a month from 1st February 2015 and will be reflected in your next bill. While a price rise is never welcome, it means that we can bring you even more of the best value and most exciting entertainment in 2015.
Some of our Home Phone call rates will increase from 3 March 2015. You can find more details on these changes in the link below.
To find out more about these changes visit our website at http://www.upc.ie/pricechanges
We really hope you want to continue enjoying all the great value entertainment you get from us. But if you wish you can downgrade or cancel your service within 30 days of receipt of this notice without any penalty or cancellation fee.
We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your continued custom and for selecting UPC.

Kind regards
Stephen Ruschitzko
Customer Care Director

Now having read this email you will be rushing to return to the link  http://www.upc.ie/pricechanges, “To find out more about these changes.” But prepare yourself; the link is returned as ‘Timed Out’ in many areas of Thurles; at least it was as I go to print, but refresh a couple of times and you may be lucky. No doubt this €6.00 increase will assist in their efforts to “bring you even more of the best value.”

Of course you could get totally rid of their TV Service for a once off initial fee of between €99.00 (On-line) or €120.00 (Purchased Locally) by purchasing an Ariva 150 Combo Box which combines Irish Terrestrial Channels and Satellite Channels, leaving you with one less future bill to pay.

In the meanwhile do give UPC a call to their Loyalty Department on Tel: 061 272190 and thank them for increasing your monthly charges, keeping in mind that this company now charges €12.50 if you pay your account later than 10 days after an invoice has been issued.  Thank them also for leaving you without Internet access in some areas of Thurles for 6.5 days in December 2014 and after their shoddy repairs, only partial access for a further 3 days, during the same period. Don’t forget to say ‘thanks you’ also for charging €37.00 per month to their long term customers, for Sky Sports; while offering all new customers the same channel for just €1.00.

Remember this new €6.00 monthly increase or €72.00 per year (Almost the cost of an Ariva 150 Combo Box) is not to glean extra profit for the company; it is because they want to “keep giving you the best.”

No wonder Alex White TD is ‘holding off ‘ on the controversial €160.00 broadcasting charges, which were originally to be introduced this month on all eligible households, regardless of whether they owned a TV.

In the meanwhile ask your employer for an immediate increase in salary and explain why; your employer will fully understand your request.

Irish Water – Song “Five Feet High & Risin” Updated

I thought I would bring you a touch of pure nostalgia this lovely Sunday morning; a sentimentality glimpse, if you will, of the  past, which will typify some period in your life, thus returning you to a place of hopefully happy personal associations, a time before Irish Water flooded your lives, if you’ll pardon the simile.

Having listened, I thought to myself, maybe it’s time to refresh this old ballad and bring it more into line with the more modern yet difficult economic climate of today’s Ireland. Let me know if you like it and if any of you have a verse or two to add, to ‘jig it up a bit,’  if you will, sure send me a comment.

“Five Feet High & Risin.” Lyrics Updated – (or “The F.G. / Labour Coalition’s Lament 2014.”)

How high’s the water, Enda?
He said “Two feet high and risin.”
How high’s the water, Joan?
She said, “Two feet high and risin.”

We won’t make it next election when the people vote.
Pee Hogan’s rigid policies just didn’t float.
Our reign is over, watch ‘Independents’ gloat.
Two feet high and risin.

How high’s the water, Enda?
He said “Two feet high and risin.”
How high’s the water, Joan?
She said, “Two feet high and risin.”

Hey, come look through the window pane
Thurles right2water are protesting again.
Hope they catch pneumonia from the pissin rain,
Three feet high and risin.

How high’s the water, Enda?
He said “Three feet high and risin”
How high’s the water, Joan?
She said, “Three feet high and risin.

Well our jobs are gone, thanks to those protesting b‘s.
We’re stuck in Irish water up past our knees.
Best to grab our pensions and shoot the breeze.
Four feet high and risin.

How high’s the water, Enda?
He said “Four feet high and risin”
How high’s the water, Joan?
She said, “Four feet high and risin.

The R498 is gone, north of our Thurles town.
Vehicles can’t pass till the water goes down.
“Greenway” Kelly’s searchin for higher ground.
Five feet high and risin.

Well, it’s five feet high and risin.

Look at it this way, when you’re sitting on your behind all day, with no job prospects, writing poetry helps you to pass the time.

Tipperary’s Overview On Irish Water Flat Charges

waterIn his surgery, while stitching a deep cut to the hand of a 65-year-old Tipperary farmer; the latter’s injury caused by a confused cow being de-horned in his cattle crush, the local Thurles doctor struck up a casual conversation with his nervous patient.

Their conversation eventually got around to the current problems within Irish Water, politics in general and under performing Tipperary politicians. The old farmer suggested that, “Well, as I see it, most politicians in Tipperary are ‘Post Turtles’.”

As you can imagine with very few, if any, Turtles to be found naturally occurring in Tipperary and not being familiar with this descriptive title, the local doctor asked his patient to further elaborate on his ‘Post Turtle’ correlation with politicians.

The old farmer explained, “Doctor when you’re driving down Seskin Lane in Thurles for example, if you should come across a narrow fence post with a turtle balancing precariously on top, that’s a ‘Post Turtle’.”

The old farmer, observing the now even more puzzled look on his doctor’s face, continued in his explanation; “You see Doctor, you realise that the turtle didn’t climb up there of his own efforts, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to hell to do while he is up there, he’s elevated totally beyond his normal ability to properly function and one can’t help but wonder what kind of dumb arse placed him up there in the first place.”

“Irish Water” said the elderly farmer, “Sure it’s rather like what a Dublin Whorehouse Madam once told me many years ago;  “Sir”, said she politely,“If you got it, you sell it; once sold sure you’ve still got it. It’s a very lucrative and progressive business, if you can keep it of the balance sheet – water that is – if you know what I mean!”

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