Thurles Information

If you find yourself having difficulty understanding the language of the woman in your life, perhaps the text hereunder may in some way assist.

“Five Minutes”
If she is getting dressed up, this means approximately 60 minutes. Five minutes should only be interpreted as “five minutes” if you have just been given five minutes more to watch the Tipperary v Kilkenny All Ireland Hurling Final, before taking out the refuse bins.

“Loud Sigh”
This is usually a nonverbal declaration of “what in Gods name am I doing with this idiot“. A loud sigh means a woman thinks you are an imbecile and wonders why she is wasting her precious time standing there, arguing with you about what she considers irrelevant.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it”
This is another misunderstood and sometimes dangerous statement, which literally means that there is something that this woman has told her man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?‘ to which the woman’s response is usually “nothing“.

“Nothing”
This is generally the calm before a force 10 hurricane. Nothing really means “something“, and you should now be on full weather alert. Snappy retorts that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine“ followed by an unscheduled trip to the nearest Accident and Emergency unit.

“Fine”
This is the word that women usually use to end a squabble when they are right and our best advice is for you to remain silent after such a remark.

“Go Ahead”
This is a dare and in no way should this remark be interpreted as some form of permission being granted.
Warning: Do not act on this instruction under any circumstance without first checking that your health insurance is fully paid up.

“That’s Okay”:
This is also of the most dangerous statements a women can ever make to a man.  “That’s okay” really means that the woman requires further time for deeper reflection before deciding how and when she will make you pay dearly for the error of your ways.

“Thanks”
If a woman is thanking you, do not question or indeed collapse. Just say “you’re welcome honey”. This is not to be confused with a similar phrase used by women “Thanks a lot“. Latter is simply pure sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. Avoid retorting  “you’re welcome” in this instance as this will receive the reply “whatever”.

“Whatever”
This is a women’s way of saying a now much quoted four letter word. Clue: It begins with F and is closely followed by the word YOU!

It is mid-day and an Aer Lingus Airbus A380 is on its way from Heathrow to Shannon Airport when a  blonde “Teachta Dála” (Deputy to the Irish Parliament) seated in Economy Class (not representing Thurles I hasten to add) gets up and moves her seat to the First Class section.
A flight attendant catches her making the move and immediately asks to see her ticket.
She then informs her blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seating.
The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m a TD and I should not be asked to sit with the ordinary commoners in Economy Class. I’m going to Shannon and I’m refusing to move!”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo TD type sitting in First Class who properly belongs seated in Economy Class and who is refusing to move back to her correct and allotted seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the TD and tries to explain that, because she has only paid for Economy, she is only entitled to travel in Economy and she will have to return to her original seat immediately.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m a TD, I’m going to Shannon, I deserve to sit here and I’m not moving to sit with ordinary commoners!”
Exasperated, the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest the blonde TD, who refuses to listen to basic reason.
“You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde, so I speak blonde fluently!”
The pilot goes back to the blonde TD and smiling he whispers into her ear, and she says, “Oh I’m so terribly sorry – I had no idea thank you so much”, then gets up rather embarrassed and quickly moves back to her seat in Economy Class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and questioned him as to what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, ‘I just told her that First Class isn’t landing in Shannon until next week’.

HQ Nightclub Thurles

A man goes to Molly’s Bar in HQ Nightclub with his Labrador dog last Friday night.
The barman says “You can’t bring that dog in here!”
The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
“Oh god,” the barman says, “I’m sorry, here, your first drinks’s on me.”
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks into Molly’s with a Chihuahua on a lead.
The first guys sees him, stops him and whispers “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell the bar man it’s a seeing-eye dog.”
The second man graciously thanks him and continues to the bar.
The barman says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”
The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The barman says, “No, I don’t think so. They don’t usually use Chihuahua as seeing-eye dogs.”
The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?!, the National Council for the Blind gave me a Chihuahua!”

Later that night:

Another customer drinking in Molly’s Bar sees a friend at a table, drinking all alone.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My poor mother died in August and I’m depressed” he said, “She left me €50,000.”
“That’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died suddenly, leaving me the house and €150,000.”
“Wow, two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“Then last month my favourite aunt died, and left me €15,000.”
“That’s three close family members lost in three months, now that is so sad.”
“And this month,” continued the friend, “Not one solitary miserable penny!”

The Government has announced plans for the National Asset Management Agency (NAMA), which will operate as an independent commercial entity under the aegis of the National Treasury Management Agency.
This initiative will require new legislation and the Government intends to enact, God willing, the National Asset Management Agency Act by October 2009, if still in power.

But how will NAMA work I hear you say?

How NAMA Will Work Explained

Well just follow carefully this simple case study, which we present in an uncomplicated form hereunder and all will be immediately revealed.

First close your eyes and imagine it is September, the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness. In Thurles the town shops are deserted and yes it’s raining again. Times are tough and every business owner is lying with one shoulder propped against the paint chipped door post of his ‘Best Value’ establishment. He desperately scans the grey horizon eagerly searching his inward eye to find some form of leadership. He, or she indeed, has so far survived this recession living by juggling VISA, Next Millennium Mastercard, American Express, and Chase Freedom credit cards.

Suddenly weary hearts are lifted by the rare sight of a tourist parking his Mercedes Benz (E Class Coupe) in Liberty Square. All heads watch in eager anticipation as the occupant enters the local hostelry (that’s a hotel to you and me).  Now peering discreetly (as one often does) through the rain splattered windows, they observe this tourist place a €100 note on the Hotel reception counter, asserting his right to go upstairs and inspect the bedrooms currently on offer, before finally booking his accommodation.

Once the Tourist is out of sight, a determined hotel proprietor quickly grabs the €100 Euro note in sweaty hands and races out to pay the local butcher for a consignment of streaky rashers, long since digested.

The butcher, in turn, tightly grasping this €100 note, runs to pay his debt to the local pig farmer who has been threatening him with legal action.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note, and runs to pay his debt to the local Co-Op for animal feed and diesel fuel (not mixed).

The Co-Operative owner takes the €100 note and rushes out to pay his crack cocaine supplier thus avoiding the awaited visit from a couple of “the boys” hell bent on breaking both his legs.

The cocaine supplier sends one of “his boys” back to the hotel to pay a final demand received in respect of unpaid conferencing facilities which he had been goaded into sponsoring, by some out of the way branch of Ográ FF.

The hotel proprietor then quickly straightens the crinkles out of the €100 note and lays it back on the reception counter, eagerly awaiting the foreign tourist’s return with his receptionist (latter also his valued Wedding Cordinator) from upstairs.

The tourist now comes back and picks up his €100 note and placing it firmly, once again, back in his wallet, stating that since the broadband is so slow, he is forced to seek alternative lodgings and drives off, heading in the general direction of Baile Átha Cliath (that’s Dublin).  He was heard muttering something about the Derrynaflan Chalice not on show to the public, where it ought to be, together with further inaudible noises which appeared to insinuate, according to Paddy Ryan, that the local water supply could be contaminated. John swears he overheard something about ‘toxic assets’.

So to further analyse this case study, note no business had made a profit, however, these Thurles business people are now without debt for another month, and will continue to look to the future with hope, self-confidence and their chance to vote on the Lisbon Treaty.

Well hopefully, at least the brightest of you readers can now sleep in the knowledge that you fully understand how the present Irish Government intends to carry on its day to day business over the coming months and years.

Me, well I’m off to finish reading a script relating to Article 6(2) of the Treaty On European Union, on the Accession of the Union to the European Convention on the Protection of Human Rights and Fundamental Freedoms.

I have a feeling that it could come in handy soon.

As people in Tipperary are by now aware, www.thurles.info is always on hand to help out in any emergency. For many months now we have waited for our Government Ministers at Cabinet to seek our help regarding this countries severe economic difficulties. But I suppose to be fair their time has been taken up with the Lisbon Treaty, Local and European Elections, election of local Town Mayors, not to mention those Green Party types in coalition etc,etc. We in Thurles are a forgiving race and fully understand their inactivity,dare I say slowness,  in contacting us regarding a solution to this country’s economic difficulties and excuse them fully on the grounds of severe time constraints.

This put aside, and to show there is absolutely no ill-feeling, I now dare to provide our over worked politicians with our simple solution to these economic problems, which when implemented, will immediately put Ireland and all EU states on a more sound/secure footing, for at least another ten years.

Now please follow carefully what future history books will refer too as the “Thurles Accord”.

The Thurles Accord:  (Better known as “A Plan To Wrestle The Irish Economy From The Tight Fists of Bankers, Property Speculators and Other Cute Hoers”.)

1. Immediately cancel the gift of seven billion euros of tax payers money to Anglo Irish Bank who will only, no doubt, squander same on unearned bonuses, as done in previous years.
2. There are about 1 million people employed, aged between 45 and 50 years of age, currently at work in this State. Pay each of them 7 million Euro of this money as severance pay, to take compulsory early retirement without pensions and medical cards for the over 70’s, with the following proviso. Upon receiving their seven million euros, each retired person is legally bound to comply with the following rules:-

• They MUST fully retire (No nixers or part-time occupations). Their departure from the work place will now create 1,000,000 new job openings and promotions. Unemployment problems will be wiped out over night.
• With this pay-off they MUST buy one house. This will generate further job creation within our State and solve all problems within the Building & Construction Industry.
• They MUST send their all their children to college/university, for further education. Drug and other related crime will now be halved. The market place will be over populated with Medical Consultants and Lawyers, who will in turn buy BMW’s and begin working for the HSE and the Court system, accepting more realistic fees in order to earn the right to work.
• They MUST buy at least one new car. One million cars will now go into immediate production. Current problems within the Irish Automobile sector and the European Car manufacturing industry will be solved over night.
• They MUST buy alcohol/tobacco to the value of €100 each week. Revenue generated will ensure the Government will now get their seven billion euros back through various duty/tax etc and life expectancy will be reduced bringing down the cost to the State of contributory old age pensions.
• TD’s  and Senators should (to be fair and show full respect due to those who have given their lives in the service of our country) be given first priority when implementing any such severance package.

Note: I herewith renounce all /any rights to claim any consultancy fee’s in respect of the adoption of this very simple solution by the Government , to our current problem.

Should the  Government find they still have a small shortfall and more finance is needed, simply request that all Ministers, TD’s and Senators immediately pay back all immorally claimed allowances and expenses obtained no doubt through error.