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Thurles
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wind speed: 3 m/s WSW
sunrise: 7:02 am
sunset: 8:08 pm
 

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Mikey Ryan Answers A Question On Covid-19 Virus

“You know”, said Mikey Ryan, “I heard that a job seeking Cavan man, recently having migrated to Thurles, was watching morning Mass being livestreamed on Thurles.Info yesterday morning. Halfway through the Mass didn’t he spot the collection plate. They claim that the speed at which he hit the ‘Shut Down’ button of his PC, will most certainly be entered in next year’s Guinness Book of Records.”

Normally, we would be above taking advantage of ‘the slate’ in The Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles, but this particular Thursday we were sitting among the tall reeds, beside the river Suir, close to Lady’s Well, as local Gardaí searched for an unidentified individual, wearing a baseball cap and a Covid-19 mask, who had short changed and absconded with two bottles of a full-bodied white Chardonnay from Thurles Shopping Centre.

With one eye on the ‘River Walk’ and the other attempting to observe the crude removal of a cork from one of two wine bottles, I raised what I believe was a very pertinent question.

“Tell me Mikey”, said I, “What’s the story with this Covid-19 virus; is it going to get worse or is it going to fizzle out before the end of next week.”

Never having been a fully paid up member of the Irish Guild of Sommeliers; Mikey checked the River Walk once more, before handing me my bottle of white Chardonnay, complete with the bits of floating cork, before settling back in the shelter of the tall, damp reeds.

“I will explain it this way”, said Mikey. “I think it was the Autumn of 2018, that a group of Red American Indians, living on a reservation, asked their tribe’s young Witch Doctor if the winter was going to be very cold or would it be mild. Now living in a modern society this young tribal Witch Doctor had never truly learned the old secrets of prophesying long-range weather systems.

Looking at the sky, he admitted quietly to himself that he could not foretell the weather, but nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he informed his tribal council that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that all members, both braves and squaws, should go out collecting dry firewood, so as to be fully prepared.

After several days, the Witch Doctor had a brain wave, and whipping out his Samsung Galaxy A10 mobile phone, he rang Ms Evelyn Cusack at Met Éireann – the Irish Meteorological Service.

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” meteorologist Ms Cusack replied. So the Witch Doctor called his tribe’s council and informed them to collect even more dry timber.

A week later, the anxious Witch Doctor called Met Éireann again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?” he inquired.

“Yes,” Ms Josephine Prendergast at Met Éireann replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.” The Witch Doctor again called his tribe’s council, before ordering them to collect every scrap of dry timber they could find.

Two weeks later, worried about his job, he called Met Éireann again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” Assistant Director Dr. Sarah O’Reilly replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Witch Doctor enquired.
“You can be very sure”, the Assistant Director replied, “We here at Met Éireann know for a fact that this Autumn, tribal American Indians are accumulating the largest stockpile of dry fire wood ever collected.”

“Now does that answer your question” said Mikey.

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Men Take Exceptional Care Tomorrow

What could be worse than Storm Jorge or catching the Coronavirus, tomorrow. In years gone by, tomorrow, February‌ 29th‌ ‌was‌ ‌one‌ ‌day when men could find themselves in very great danger, spending their remaining days on this earth in that realm where slavery truly exists‌. ‌

Here in‌ ‌Ireland‌, ‌we‌ ‌have‌ ‌a ‌long held ‌tradition‌ on ‌February‌ 29th‌, better known as Leap‌ ‌Day‌; for it is on‌ this ‌one and only day; that ‌women‌ ‌become elevated and hold the right to ‌propose‌ marriage ‌to‌ ‌a man.

So‌ ‌when ‌did‌ ‌this‌ ‌most dangerous of Irish tradition‌s ‌materialise?‌ ‌

Here in Ireland, legend‌ ‌has‌ ‌it‌ ‌that‌ ‌St‌. ‌Brigid‌ ‌bitterly complained‌ ‌to‌ ‌St.‌ ‌Patrick‌ ‌that‌ ‌Irish ‌women‌ had‌ ‌to‌ ‌hang around‌ ‌far‌ ‌too‌ ‌long‌ ‌for‌ ‌their‌ male ‌partners‌ ‌to‌ ‌propose marriage.‌ ‌Following long and careful consideration ‌St. Patrick‌ finally agreed, thus yielding to her complaint and agreeing that ‌women‌ ‌could‌ ‌have‌ ‌one‌ ‌day‌ ‌every‌ ‌four‌ ‌year‌s ‌to‌ ‌’pop‌ ‌the‌ ‌question‌’.‌ ‌

However,‌ ‌as we know when you allow women, particularly the high maintenance variety, such high level normally male authority, nothing can be regarded as ‘simple plain‌ ‌sailing’, especially‌ ‌for‌ ‌any ‌man‌ ‌who‌ ‌would dare to politely refuse ‌the request of their ‌lady‌ friend.‌ ‌

Tradition‌ ‌has‌ ‌it‌ ‌that‌ ‌if‌ ‌a‌ ‌man‌ ‌refused ‌the‌ ‌proposal‌ ‌of‌ ‌his‌ ‌female lover‌ ‌on‌ ‌a‌ ‌Leap‌ ‌Day‌ ‌then‌ ‌he‌ ‌has to ‌buy‌ ‌her‌ ‌either‌ ‌a‌ silk ‌dress‌ ‌or‌ ‌a‌ ‌pair‌ ‌of‌ ‌silk gloves‌.‌ [‌Now you know why Thurles retailers of female clothing remove “Sale on Here” signs from their shop windows, during the first fortnight in March. And, with the prices charged for a dress, sure maybe agreeing to marriage could end up cheaper than any refusal].

Of course there may be a‌ ‌more‌ ‌practical‌ ‌explanation ‌on‌ ‌the‌ ‌origins‌ ‌of‌ ‌female‌ Leap‌ ‌Day‌ ‌proposals.‌ Marriages‌ ‌were‌ ‌not allowed ‌to‌ ‌take‌ ‌place‌ ‌during‌ ‌the solemn religious observance of Lent,‌ ‌(Latter beginning Wednesday, 26th February – ending on Thursday, 9th April this year, 2020) and‌ ‌since‌ ‌the‌ ‌start‌ ‌of‌ ‌Lent‌ ‌comes‌ ‌around ‌on the‌ ‌end‌ ‌of‌ ‌February,‌ ‌it‌ ‌was‌ ‌one ‌way‌ ‌to‌ ‌guarantee‌ ‌that‌ ‌woman ‌would‌ ‌not‌ ‌be‌ ‌‘left‌ completely on the shelf‌’ ‌for‌ ‌a‌ ‌further‌ ‌40‌ ‌days‌ ‌and‌ ‌nights.‌
[I am aware that Lent is a time for doing penance, and what greater act of self-abasement, mortification or devotion, I ask you, is than for a man to accept a proposal from a woman on Leap Day!]

You single men need to be careful out there tomorrow; don’t say you were not warned in advance. ‌
‌ ‌

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Beware, Accident Waiting To Happen In Thurles

More reading for elected Thurles Municipal District Councillors

It can be located in clear view on the junction of Collage Lane and Kickham Street, here in Thurles, Co Tipperary.

Collapsed drain cover at Kickham Street, Thurles, Co. Tipperary

This editor admits that he cannot be totally sure if the offending drain cover/grate; to be found at this above stated specified location, has assumed its bent posture, having been driven over once too often by heavy 18 wheeler traffic or is in fact of a special shape; same designed for the purpose of identifying cyclists who go about with no light on their bike.

One thing is for sure however, should this bent drain cover come into contact with the wheels of a bicycle and its unsuspecting rider; particularly after dark, expect the compensation claims against Thurles County Council to further increase.

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Thurles Tourist Attraction Destroyed

We first boasted about our tourist attraction [Click Here] on December 3rd, 2018, acclaiming it as Ireland’s largest pothole located here in the town of Thurles, Co. Tipperary.

On hearing about this natural phenomenon, foreign tourists, hikers and campers, flocked to the area. Rare snakes, dragonflies, leveret, common lizards and numerous other forms of rare and exotic wildlife had pulled up their roots and migrated to this area, seeking refuge from the badly polluted River Suir.

Alas, today, February 14th 2020, [only two year and 9 weeks later I might add], finding unsuspecting locals preoccupied with thoughts of St. Valentine’s Day; Tipperary Co. Council officials struck with their usual speed; moving quietly and quickly to wipe out this now existing natural ecosystem.

Newly resurfaced carpark entrance at Cathedral Street, Thurles, Tipperary.

The area normally accessed only by 4-wheel drive vehicles, due to rough terrain, has now been totally wiped out, using that odd substance rarely used on roads in Tipperary; the dreaded tarmac, and this evening no trace of our wonderful tourist attraction is currently evident.

Wait until that secret society, beter known as Tipperary Tourism, hears about this! They may be forced to have their photograph taken as they rehash or is it relaunch the Tipperary Tourism website.

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Brother Of Former Labour Party TD Alan Kelly Sleeps During US Super Bowl

Mr Declan Kelly; latter who once served as a US economic envoy to Northern Ireland and who is brother of former Tipperary Labour TD Mr Alan Kelly, has been caught sleeping with his mouth wide open, during the Super Bowl.

The video clip has now gone viral in the US.

Tipperary Team Sponsored By Teneo.

Mr Declan Kelly, an Irish-American business executive, best known for his role as Chairman & CEO of a company called Teneo; latter an international consulting company based in New York City, which sponsors the Tipperary Senior hurling team, was caught “dead to the world” at Super Bowl 54 on Sunday last.

The state of Mr Declan Kelly, with regard to his demeaner, is quite understandable to the many millionaires’ resident here in Tipperary, who are represented by his Irish Labour Party brother Mr Alan Kelly, after all the tickets to the game at Hard Rock Stadium in Miami Gardens, Florida, only cost a mere €6,335.00 each.

And Irish people complain about paying €80.00 for an All-Ireland Hurling Ticket in Croke Park, Jones’ Rd, Drumcondra, Dublin 3

Easy known Mr Declan Kelly wasn’t found languishing on Dineen Hill 16, at the Railway End of Croke Park.

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