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Where There Is A Will, This Could Be A New Way!

Picture courtesy O’Driscoll’s Garden Centre, Mill Road, Thurles. Tel No. (O504) 21636

A humorous photograph taken at the Guinness St. James’s Gate Brewery, back in 1942, but never published because of war-time censorship.

With licenced premises anxious to begin trading again as Covid-19 decreases in vigour and extent, could history be handing us a solution?

One wonders what Mikey Ryan’s view of this would be, if a similar structure was erected outside the Arch Bar, on Liberty Square in Thurles?

It is either the above or wait until August 10th, 2020, when pubs are again listed to open, according to our governments roadmap.

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Mikey Ryan’s Health Deteriorating From Cocooning

Mikey Ryan and myself were back again yesterday afternoon; tee-totalling; social distancing; soaking up the Thurles unprecedented spring sunshine; lying out on the banks of the river Suir; like dogs, with tongues hanging out, waiting for today’s double Covid-19 hand-out.

And speaking of canines; this had followed our vain efforts to gain access to the rear of the Arch Bar via Cormack’s Lane, which had been met by the total disapproval of licenced hostelry proprietor Mr Pat Hayes, who with the assistance of his new German Shepherd guard dog, was quick to directed us out onto a more public thoroughfare.

Again, talking of canines brought to mind yet another train of thought, leading me to ask Mikey a question, “I haven’t seen your little woman in Lidl all this week” said I, “don’t tell me she has withdrawn from enemy territory and retreated back to her mother to assist in stirring that auld ones cauldron”.

“No such damned luck” said Mikey, “but in truth she and the fruit of her loins, are driving me to utter despair. I’ll tell you this and I’ll tell you no more; I was so driven by the complete absence of hope last Wednesday, that I went into the Liberty Pharmacy there at No 34 on Liberty Square, looking for medical assistance.

“Well did Kate give you anything that worked”, said I.

“Damned a bit did I get”, said Mikey, as he attempted to remove a piece of Brennan’s bread from between two teeth, using a piece of sedge grass.

Of course I learned from Mikey later, that local pharmacist Kate Kennedy had refused to dispense his request for anti-depression drugs on the grounds that he had no proper doctor’s prescription. “Simply showing me a marriage certificate in one hand and your wife’s passport photo in the other, is far from sufficient to access any such strong dangerous medication”; was, to quote Mikey himself, her instant reply.

“So is your missus isolating completely, or have you strangled her”, said I, smiling.

“Not exactly”, said Mikey, “tempted though I was; no it was agreed in principle that I should restrain her using a short chain, padlocked to her left leg and with the other end welded to a radiator. This gives her sufficient room to access the cooker and the sink in the kitchen. The reason for this is simply to social distance her from the fridge. Sure even she agreed it was the only solution to ‘flattening her curve’, if you know what I mean”.

If Mrs Ryan wanted to lose 10 ugly pounds immediately, she could cut her head off, I thought to myself, (Well you can’t say everything out loud nowadays, as people cocooning get very tetcey).

“Maybe she is suffering from water retention”, said I, “My own wife, I know, suffers from what doctors call ‘excess fluids’ that build up inside her body”.

“In the case of my missus I’m afraid its bloody, dairy milk chocolate retention”, said Mikey.

“Maybe her problem is brought on by stress; does worry of catching this covid-19 virus affect her at all?” said I.

“Well she has never mentioned stress, but strictly between ourselves I think she may have started to show the first symptoms of Alzheimer’s”, said Mikey.

“How did you work that out”, said I, “has she been consulting with her consultant.”

“No, but again between ourselves, she did say to me, only yesterday, that she doesn’t remember what she ever saw in me”, said Mikey.

Then, out of the blue she announced that she wouldn’t mind if I re-married after she’d passed on. Well on one proviso”, Mikey elaborated, “that the new woman I would marry wouldn’t wear any of the clothes presently in her wardrobe”.

“She needn’t worry there anyway” said I, “sure her replacement is nearly 5 inches taller, even with her hair down”.

“Listen, keep your voice down, walls have ears”, said Mikey, “Listen, I’d better be heading home to open the fridge for the wife, fish fingers don’t exactly cook themselves; more’s the pity.”

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Red Haired Tawny Miner Bee Returns To Co. Tipperary

A scarce Tawny mining bee, up until 2012 believed to have been extinct in Ireland for some 80 years, has once again returned in large numbers, some to appear on Co. Tipperary soil.

The Tawny mining bee had been last observed by Arthur Stelfoxin in 1925 just outside of Kilkenny and since then was believed to have gone extinct in Ireland.
In April 2012 Roger Goodwilliere reported, confirming he had observed this species in his garden, again in Co. Kilkenny, not far from where it had been last sighted, back in 1925.

Entomologists claim that the added growth of wildflowers, in public areas due to the failure by local authorities, to use poisonous weed killers; influenced by Covid-19 pandemic problems, lending itself to this increase in the bee’s population.

[Privately, Tipperary residents on the other hand believe the Tawney mining bee is leaving Co. Kilkenny, to migrate to the real home of hurling, following Tipperary’s 2019 All Ireland win.]

The female of this solitary species has bright, deep fox red hairs on its thorax (chest), with a more orange to red coloured hair on its dorcal surface (back). Their other ventral surface (underpart), i.e. legs and overall facial area are black haired.

The smaller, thinner male of the species are much harder to identify when compared with the female; as their hair is less dense and browner in colour. They display some long white hairs on their face; a tooth on each side of their mandibles (mouthpart) and without closer examination is passed off as our common honey bee.

They mate, requiring direct contact between the male and female, in spring, after which the male dies.
On a south facing bank or lawn, the female will build, in a short foliaged ground area, a nest with the entrance surrounded by a small volcano-like mound of excavated spoil. Perhaps their solitary existance in your area can be most easily identified from this small, volcano-like, telltale mound, if you are out cutting your lawn this week. Please do not upset it, rather view it as a gift to your garden and any plants, fruit bushes it may contain.

Here her nest will contain numerous brood cells in which she will lay one egg in each cell. Here also she will independently fill each cell with a mixture of nectar and pollen to sustain her larva, who will emerge the following spring after hibernation, long after their mother has departed.

If you are out and about taking exercise in your local park or woodland, enjoying the sunshine tomorrow, (obeying social distancing I hope), do keep an eye out for this stunning red haired beauty, who likes to associate with a wide variety of flowers; including dandelions, buttercups, garlic mustard, sycamore, beech, hawthorn, fruit trees, blackthorn, maple and willow.

Get a picture on your phone if you can and send it to us.


Note: Tawny mining bees are totally harmless and will NOT sting.

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Mikey Ryan Reflects On Covid-19

“I’ll tell you something for nothing”, said Mikey Ryan, “what with all this Department of Health daily chit-chat about the Covid-19 pandemic, the only ones truly rubbing their hands together at this time are the cute whores manufacturing Soap and Sanitising Gel.

“True for you Mikey”, said I, “I swear to God, my hands have absorbed so much Sanitising Gel, Soap and Disinfectant over the last month, that when I attend to the call of nature, the wife no longer has to use any other antimicrobial agents to clean our toilet’s lime stained interior.

The Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles

Readers will understand that what with the Arch Bar in Liberty Square and every other pub in Thurles closed, Mikey and myself were cocooning amongst the tall grasses on the River Suir Walk, sharing a six pack of Mexican Corona Extra pale lager. Mickey had acquired same from the Thurles Shopping Centre using a reliable five finger discount card. [Those anti-virus face masks come in fierce handy when funds are low of a Tuesday].

As we lay back soaking up the warm Thurles April sunshine, Mikey expounded the difficulties he was experiencing cocooning.
“The worst part of restricted movement is having to listen to the ‘fruit of my loins’, jabbering away like Black Howler monkeys in the Amazon Rainforest, said Mikey, “How many wives can a man have?” Mikey screeched, imitating his youngest who had asked the initial question. His daughter had replied, “Sixteen”, qualifying her answer with the misguided marital quote, “four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer.
I cod you not, but education has taken a nosedive in this country, since McHugh took over” Mikey declared.

“Ah sure the whole world is gone to pot”, said I, “and I’m not for one minute suggesting that everyone is smoking marijuana”.

“True for you, the situation is getting dangerous alright”, said Mikey, “Do you realise that very soon and for the very first time since 1870, an estimated 8.68 million adherent Jehovah’s Witnesses are going to wake up some fine morning to the realisation that the rest of the world are actually sitting cocooned in their houses, waiting to answer the door bell”.

“My God, that could upset the current delicate balance of religious power here in Europe”, said I, rising to my feet in the secure realisation that ‘her in doors‘ would be on a knife edge, having waited for over two hours for me to bring back her 30 gram packet of Amber Leaf Blonde tobacco and her Rizla fag papers.

“Sure I have to be going myself” said Mikey, switching back on his mobile phone, “but understand this, if I am forced to quarantine for another two weeks with the wife, I can assure you there won’t be any coronavirus in her system that can be blamed on her death”.

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All Expenses Paid, World Tour, Courtesy Thurles.Info

I Think It’s Going To Rain Today

Broken windows and empty hallways,
A pale dead moon in a sky streaked with grey.
Human kindness is overflowing,
And I think it’s gonna rain today.

Bright before me the signs implore me
Help the needy and show them the way
Human kindness is overflowing
And I think it’s gonna rain today

Lyrics Randy Newman – Singer Neil Diamond.

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First it was the Donegal Sinn Féin TD Mr Padraig Mac Loughlin on April 6th, sending back his almost €9,000 wage increase, to support Irish frontline healthcare workers, or so he claims.

Next it was Ms Amy Huberman; having hammered away for hours over her cast iron shoe last; she has already or is presently, giving away, free, 20 pairs of shoes from her latest manufactured collection, to Irish healthcare workers.

Then it was the great Rock Band U2, who admit to earning around €5 million a night from its concerts, donating two nights takings, possibly from their low-tax jurisdiction, based in the Netherlands; to buy personal protective equipment (PPE) for Irish frontline health care workers.

We are unsure of the actual shoe sizes on offer, or indeed how this major generosity will be split up between the 40,000 healthcare workers who signd up to fight the Coronavirus COVID-19 in Ireland.

However, not to be outdone, and having read all this accidently leaked details of generosity on offer, we here at Thurles.Info will not now be seen to be wanting, with regards to demonstrating our extreme generosity.

This said we have decided to send our thousands of daily readers, yes, on an “all expenses paid world tour”, starting this very night.

Pack your bags, as we now invite you to go on our VIRTUAL TOUR to visit some of the most amazing attractions in the World, each one linked hereunder.

The Natural History Museum, LondonVisit HERE

The Vatican Museum, RomeVisit HERE

The Guggenheim Museum, New YorkVisit HERE

Machu Picchu, PeruVisit HERE

NASA, USAVisit HERE

“So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you”. Matthew 6:2

Enjoy Your World Tour & Stay Safe.

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