Thurles Information

Tuesday to Thursday in Dáil Bar

History was made here in Co Tipperary last Monday, when over 30% of senior Rialtas na hÉireann (Government Cabinet Ministers) like refugees, converged temporarily on North Tipperary, begged the question for many; “Who the hell was minding the shop in Dublin?”

Visiting Tipperary on Monday last were An Taoiseach Mr Enda Kenny, An Tánaiste M/s Joan Burton, the Minister for Justice M/s Frances Fitzgerald, the Minister for the Environment, Community and Local Government Mr Alan Kelly (Latter who according to a picture in today’s Tipperary Star newspaper, looks like he has managed to turn water into milk), the Minister for Jobs, Enterprise and Innovation Mr Richard Bruton, Junior Minister for State for Agriculture, Food and the Marine Mr Tom Hayes and finally the Minister for Agriculture Mr Simon Coveney. All were accompanied by various back bencher’s; latter individuals recently described by Ryanair’s CEO Michael O’Leary as those “who know nothing about nothing anyway,’ but nevertheless all anxious to have their images captured for posterity at various photographic locations in the county.

Visiting here in Thurles, An Taoiseach Mr Enda Kenny and back bencher and leading anti ISIS campaigner Mr Noel Coonan, both refused to be drawn on rumours that Google, HSE and PayPal will move their offices to Thurles in the near future. Same move as you, our readers, are aware is expected shortly due to Dublin’s unprecedented influx of noisy dive bombing seagulls intent on seizing the ‘Foie Gras’ lunches of TD’s and office workers both in the Dáil Bar and in surrounding Dublin parkland areas.

Disturbance during An Taoiseach’s visit in Thurles

During An Taoiseach’s visit a small incident / disturbance did take place, which alerted immediately the extra detailed security surrounding Mr Kenny’s person, causing them to panic slightly.  The incident happened close to the new construction site of the multi-story high-rise office block, next door to the town’s local Convent School; the former under present construction, in anticipation of Google’s expected move to Thurles.

Thurles.Info has learned that an elderly nun who resides in a convent next to this Thurles construction site had previously overheard rather coarse language emanating from staff employed by the Dublin tree landscaping firm of “Root In The Hole Ltd.” Having reflected on these foul, bawdy, verbal torrents from this workforce, the nun, named locally as Sister Deloris Carmen, had decided to spend some time with this workforce, in an honest attempt to redress their continuous verbal outpourings of vulgarity, not to mention the constant wolf whistling directed at Leaving Cert female students attending all educational establishments in the town.

From as yet unconfirmed reports, we learn that following much reflection and during An Taoiseach’s visit, Sister Deloris had decided to take her own lunch and sit with these foul mouthed ‘blaggard employees’ during their lunch break. To this end, Sister Deloris, armed with a brown bag containing egg and watercress sandwiches, had jumped the convent wall which dividing both properties and walking up to the group with a big smile, asking the question; “Do you men know Jesus Christ?”.

The lunching employees had all shook their heads and looked blank faced at each other. One of the workers however, anxious to assist Sister Deloris, had looked up at grafting, sweating steelworkers overhead and yelled “Anyone of you feckers up there know Jesus Christ?”  One steelworker had yelled down asking “Why”?  To which the helpful employee of “Root In The Hole Ltd.” was heard to yell back; “Tell him his fecking wife is here with his lunch.”

Other than this small embarrassing encounter, thank God everything else appears to have run according to plan for An Taoiseach’s secret Thurles visit.

An Taoiseach, did apologise for failing to bring any welcome news to forgotten Tipperary and Thurles, despite promises made on his last visit, almost three years ago.

However he did hint that his Government had agreed a new range of measures designed to reduce alcohol consumption. To this end the only workplace currently in Ireland, serving alcoholic beverage to its employees; latter employed on a three day part-time working week, (Namely Leinster House & the Dáil Bar), would now close as a further example to Irish youth, latter soon to be protected from the sales of low cost alcohol in Supermarkets and Off Licences. Indeed Mr Kenny was heard to quote from a recent statement made by the Youth Wing of his partners in government, the Irish Labour Party, stating; “This opportunity should not be lost to send out a strong, uplifting message about empowering young people in our democracy.”

Then the alarm clock on my bedside table went off.