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Warning – House Phones Can Cause Severe Injuries

As I edged my way through the crowd, towards the counter of the Arch Bar in Liberty Square, Thurles, last Saturday night, the existing low romantic lighting, led my eyes to believe that I was actually seeing a visiting Indian gentleman wearing a Sikh turban leaning against the counter. Sure, as you all know, you are likely to run into everyone and anyone in ‘The Arch’ any Saturday night, especially around the Christmas time.

As I approached Pat, behind the bar, in the hope of hinting that a free Xmas Drink or two might be in order; this head, wearing the turban, turned revealing none other than Mikey Ryan; both his ears heavily and individually bandaged.

“What in the name of jasus happened you Mikey”, says I.

“I’ve just come in from the doctor”, said a rather downbeat Mikey, “I had a bit of an accident this evening, well to be more accurate I actually had two accidents”.

“Mikey”, said I, “if I might regurgitate words akin to those once reeled off by that great Irish poet and playwright Mr Oscar Wilde, “To have one accident may be regarded as a misfortune; to have two, looks to me like downright carelessness”.

“You know I blame that feckin Fine Gael crowd”, replied Mikey, “sure it was that lot that started all this equality for women’s’ lark; mark my words, soon they will be taking seats from men in Dáil Éireann. There was a time not so long ago, in this late to evolve, glorious, green republic, when a married man, having passed over the most of his weekly wage packet on a Friday night, could expect to find at least one ironed shirt hanging in the wardrobe”.

“So, stop changing the subject and tell me what happened your ears”, said I, rather impatiently.

“Well”, said Mikey, “there I was lining up the collar of my wrinkled shirt, when the phone rang, and without thinking didn’t I accidentally pick up the electric iron instead of the phone”.

“And what happened the other ear” said I.

“Didn’t the feckin bastard ring back”, replied Mikey.

“Right”, says I, trying to keep the straight face, “Oh Pat what night are you handing out the free Christmas drink”.

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