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Marital Relations Restored In Ryan Household

 

“I hear that you and the wife have patched things up, said I to Mikey Ryan, when he approached me quietly for the ‘loan of a score until pay day’, when we met above in the Arch Bar, in Thurles, last night.

I slipped him the €20 Euro note out of public view, under the table and he immediately signalled barman Pat for a small brandy, before informing me that marriage overall was an institution made up of three rings. “Firstly”, said he, “there is the engagement ring, followed by the wedding ring and finally the unexpected suffering”.

“So, what made you change your mind and go back into the bosom of the family home”, I asked, not that I really wanted to know.
“Well”, said Mikey, “I suppose it was my young lad who started me thinking. I was picking him up from the Christian Brothers last Friday, when he informed me that his teacher had stated that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.   “Son”, Mikey supposedly replied, “Sure that happens in every country”.

Mikey stopped to take a sip from his brandy before remarking on the early morning snowfall and how cold the weather had become.
“Begod, I see you have lost the beard”, said I, “when did you get rid of it?”
“I had it removed by ‘Pat the Barbers’, down beside Barry’s Bridge”, said Mikey “and to be honest that’s another reason for getting back with the wife.”

“You decided to go back to the wife because you shaved off your beard!”, said I scoffing at the very idea.
“No, No, No”
, said Mikey, “you’ve got it all wrong.  What happened was that I originally walked into that new barber’s shop that just opened, further up the town, and asked, for a shave and a shoe shine.  The barber applied the hot towel to my hairy face, and gripped his strop, before honing his cut-throat razor.  Meanwhile a very attractive woman knelt down to begin shining my shoes”.

Mikey continued; “You and I should spend some party time together” I said to her with a nod and a wink, to which she replied, “My husband wouldn’t like that.” 
“Ah sure tell him you’re working overtime”, said Mikey, “and I’ll make up the few extra quid”, to which she supposedly replied, “You tell him. He’s the one sharpening the straight blade razor.”  Having quickly excused himself under some pretext or other, Mikey fled down to “Pat the Barbers”.

“Now with beard cleanly removed”, said Mikey, “I decided that the single life was no longer for me, so home I went. We have since come to an amiable agreement to save our marriage. We take time to go to the Mitchel House Restaurant, Mitchel Street, Thurles, two evenings every week. You can’t beat soft music, a little candlelight dinner, washed down by a couple of glasses of that Mateus Rosé wine. Mind you, she goes on a Tuesday and I go on a Friday.”

“Last Tuesday night” said Mikey, “before she headed out she said to me, ‘look darling, you gifted this to me some 20 years ago on our honeymoon, and it still fits!’  I decided to let it pass, as she was referring to a scarf.

“God help me but I don’t ever envisage getting a divorce; committing murder yes, but divorce, nah”, concluded Mikey.

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