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Warning Chocolate Can Cause Unwanted Pregnancy

“Sure I suppose half of what you hear is enough to believe”, said I to Mikey Ryan, here in the Arch Bar, Liberty Square, Thurles, last Wednesday night.

Mikey had been quietly ‘clearing his chest’ to me in relation to certain domestic difficulties he was experiencing with his eldest daughter Peggy Sue and her new lazy, good-for-nothing, boyfriend Bartley Fallon. (Not my words I assure you.)

Mikey was truly enraged by the reported activities of young Bartley; “The chances of that reprobate ever taking out my daughter again are about the same as me extracting butter from a skunks hole with a red hot darning needle”, said an adamant and perhaps over protective Mikey.

As far as I could gather, it was just a matter of Mikey simply not liking the look of this young lad, and for no real, apparent reason. So it seems that when Peggy Sue stated that Bartley Fallon was taking her to see Scarlett Johansson in “Rough Night” at the IMC Thurles Shopping Centre, Mikey kind of, well, ‘lost the cool’.

“You stay away from that weir-do and all belonging to him, or you will end up with a name for yourself, my girl”, had warned Mikey.
“Dad, you are so wrong, Bartley is so nice; he’s kind and considerate, generous and always treats me like a real lady”, retorted an even more adamant Peggy Sue.

Using the strongest vocal tones that he could muster and waving his thumb and index finger, latter holding a promised five pound note, Mikey demanded “You be back here in this house at 7.30 p.m. and not a minute later.”

From what I could gather, the Movie didn’t end until 3.00 a.m.; well that was the precise time being chimed out on the Thurles Cathedral clock, as Peggy Sue attempted a silent entry to her home. Mikey was in waiting; lightly dozing on the sofa in the parlour when he heard the sharp click from the Yale lock, as she entered.

“Where were you until now”, demanded Mikey, “Surely the film wasn’t on till this hour of the morning”.

“As you already know, I was with my boy friend Bartley”, said Peggy Sue in her best defensive tone, “and you are so wrong about him, Dad; Bartley is a kind and considerate boy, generous to a fault; sure he even bought me a large bag of chocolate ‘Maltesers’ to chew during the film. We sat in the duel seats on the back row, and Bartley put his arm around me.  When the lights went down, he kissed me and began to feel my leg just above my knee and I began to laugh”. Peggy Sue closed her eyes as if trying to relive the memory.

“Then I felt his hand move to under my blouse and I laughed again. He then began to feel around under my bra, and I laughed again, much to the annoyance of the cinema usher, who shone his powerful torch directly on us”, continued Peggy Sue.

“What the feck was there to laugh about”, demanded Mikey, his anger rising.
“Couldn’t help it”,  said Peggy Sue, “Sure poor Bartley didn’t realise that my Maltesers were safely tucked away in me handbag”.

Kids these days, no respect whatsoever.

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