I received hundreds of telephone calls today seeking an explanation as to why the doors of the Confraternity Hall, here in Thurles, Co. Tipperary, had been left wide open for the past three nights.
Following intense investigations, as always by Thurles.Info, we have learned that a serious accident occurred in the hall building at around 9.50pm on Saturday night last.
As most people locally were aware; it was ‘Karaoke Night’, for Senior Citizens on Saturday night last, in this well known venue. After a strong vocal performance by senior amateur singers, namely Alice Ryan, Micky Brennan and Pajoe Maher; latter who were all accompanied on piano by 90 year old Nancy Dowling, it became time for the much anticipated and invited guest star, ‘Ivan the Hypnotist’.
Ivan, an English speaking Russian nursing physiologist (He gave up nursing when he discovered he could make more money as an entertainer working just 3 hours each week.), much to the excitement of his doting fans, explained that he was going to put all of his audience into a deep trance. “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” promised Ivan.
It is reported that you could hear a pin drop in the Confraternity Hall, as Ivan carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a large, beautiful, Victorian, gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want each of you to keep your eyes firmly focused on this watch”, said Ivan, holding the watch high above his head for all and sundry to view. Ivan began to swing the watch gently back and forth, while quietly, in a deep hypnotic voice, chanting; “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —- Watch the watch.”
The focused Senior Citizens slowly became mesmerized as the timepiece swung from left to right. Their seventy five pairs of ‘peepers’ remaining fixed firmly on the reflected stage lighting coming clearly from the gleaming surface of the gently swaying hypnotic tool.
Then, suddenly and for no obvious or apparent reason, a link on the watch chain snapped, resulting in it falling heavily to the stage floor; before bursting into hundreds of small pieces on impact.
“SHIT,” said Ivan.
Twenty five people were later removed by road and air ambulances to Limerick University Hospital, suffering from serious gas inhalation problems; where they currently remain on blanket-less trolleys. A hospital spokesperson from the Health Service Executive (HSE), has confirmed that none of the injuries are regarded as immediately life threatening.
We understand it took nine gallons of Jeyes Fluid, 10 part-time cleaners, twenty five volunteers from Thurles Civil Defence; all working over the last two days to clean up after this accident. Doors to the Confraternity Hall are expected to close tonight following an inspection today by the Health Information & Quality Authority (HIQA).
‘Ivan the Hypnotist,’ who remained, thankfully, uninjured following the accident, is not expected to be invited back to perform in Thurles again; well not in the immediate future anyway. (Well look at our last government; are not a combination of short memories and time, surely great healers?)