Judge Michael Ryan was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. All papers had been lodged and the proceedings were being held, in camera, at Thurles Courthouse.
Mary O’Brien had married Johnny Everard here in Thurles in 2011, but just a mere two weeks after their marriage, he had chosen to separate and they were since living apart. Now, five years on, Johnny had decided to seek a legal divorce.
In his efforts to fully understand the reasons leading up to this request for a termination of the couple’s marriage, Judge Ryan asked Mary, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
“About four acres and a nice three bed-roomed thatched cottage, near to a stream, which runs close-by,” replied the soon to be discarded wife.
“No”, said the Judge, “I mean what are the foundations of this case?”
“So far as I know, it is made of a mix of concrete, bricks and mortar,” she responded.
“OK”, he continued with a grin, “Can you inform me as to what your relations are like presently?”
“Myself, I have an aunt and uncle still living and about 12 cousins unemployed, but resident locally here in Thurles. And then there is my estranged husband; he has only his parents still living out in Littleton, as far as I am aware”, she replied.
The judge grinned again and taking a deep breath, he asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No garage as such your Honour “, she replied, “However I do have a carport, but I don’t need one since I don’t have a car”, she added
“Please,” the busy judge tried again, “Is there any kind of infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, my only son, which I brought up on my own; he has one of those Infidelity stereo music players”, she responded. “I, myself don’t particularly like his choice of loud, bawdy music – all that hip hop and rap racket – but sure I can’t seem to be able to do anything about it.”
Now displaying a little impatience in his voice, the judge asked, “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Most certainly”, she replied, “Before our living apart, he got up almost every morning before meself; to made the tae.”
The judge tried again, asking, “Would you say your husband was a nagger?”
“Oh, hell no”, she replied, “Sure to my knowledge he was never involved in the disposal of dead or unwanted animals flesh in his life”.
Finally, in total frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?”
“Oh good Lord, I don’t want a divorce”, Mary replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. It’s me husband that does; the idiot claims that he can’t fully communicate with me intelligently in even the simplest of conversations.”