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Thurles Studies Show Seagulls Only Follow Job Creation

“Well I got a job and tried to put my money away, but I got debts that no honest man can pay.
So I drew what I had from the Central Trust and I bought us two tickets on that Coast City bus”.

Lyrics by Bruce Springsteen – ‘Atlantic City’

The crucial issue of marauding Dublin seagulls has been rightfully raised, yet again, by politicians in Seanad Éireann (Senate of Ireland), with this protected species of bird life being now described as “endangering society”.

Calling for a cull, Senator Ned O’Sullivan demanded action against the birds last year, demanding that Seagull Protection Species Status be immediately scrapped, after attacks on the lollipops of young children. These same children are those whose welfare has been so mightily protected by the present Irish government from all abuse and neglect during the past five years of austerity.

seagull

Yesterday afternoon Cork Senator Denis O’Donovan also called for immediate action against these vicious seafaring creatures, whom he claims are now invading our vanishing rural towns and slowly evaporating villages. His emergency call comes after an unsuspecting Dublin woman reported that her mobile phone had been stolen by a Seagull. When she demanded that the vicious intruder leave it back, the marauder instead flew away dropping it into the middle of a nearby pond in the National Botanic Gardens, demonstrating total disregard for up-to-date foreign technology and unsuspecting underwater fish life.

Those tasked, in recent weeks, with the job of tracking down dispatchers of abusive text messages and intimidating death threats, latter conveyed using hand held cellular devices against well meaning and as yet unchallenged politicians, (some from Tipperary), are now investigating whether deranged members of our Seagulls population could be amongst those involved. To this end security sweeps of Seagull nests along the Dublin coastline have now been undertaken.

A Civil Servant from the Department of Justice was recently overheard to state that a known active ‘Seagull Terror Cell’ could be involved here in an elaborate plot to bring about the further downfall of this Irish nation. Those involved in investigations into who threw a water balloon at a leading Labour Party politician in Dublin, during an Anti-Water charge protest, have not yet ruled out the possible involvement of an unknown ‘Kamikaze Seagull’. Latter, he leaked, was observed acting rather suspiciously in that immediate area at the exact time of this vicious and unwarranted assault.

Meanwhile here in Thurles, Co. Tipperary our investigations into the actions of our visiting seagull population indicate that same only attack in areas of greatest job creation. Therefore since, under this present Fine Gael /Labour coalition government, no jobs of any kind have been created in the past five years; the now rapidly dwindling native inhabitants of our fair town can feel wholly safe in their cots.

Well I suppose that is if the 835 people, who lost their jobs in the last two months here in Tipperary can still afford to pay their Property Tax and Water Tax.

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